Do you find yourself giving in to others or letting go of your boundaries just to feel loved, included, or accepted? If this sounds familiar, take heart; it’s an extremely common issue. Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, but it’s often tough to create and enforce strong boundaries –especially if they weren’t modeled in your early years.

In today’s episode, I’m joined by a powerful relationship expert, Dr. Margaret Cochran, who will help us navigate the connection between boundaries, cognitive distortions, and getting unstuck from patterns that hold you back. Topics discussed include healthy boundaries, porous boundaries, family dynamics, holiday gatherings, negative patterns, intergenerational patterns, neurobiology, cognitive distortions, psychological boundaries, getting unstuck, marriage, children, personal transformation, individuation, and family issues.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert in this (or any episode) is offering medical or psychological direction; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

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Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

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Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

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Amazon

Connect with Dr. Margaret Cochran:

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Creating Healthy Boundaries to Navigate Family Issues AND Improve Your Well-Being!

Creating Strong Boundaries to Improve Your Well-Being and Relationships!

Do you find yourself giving in to others or letting go of boundaries to feel loved, accepted, or included? If that sounds familiar, take heart. It’s an extremely common issue. Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. It’s often tough to create and enforce strong boundaries, especially if you didn’t grow up in a situation where healthy boundaries were modeled. In this episode, I’m joined by a powerful relationship expert who will help us navigate the connection between boundaries, cognitive distortions, and getting unstuck from patterns that hold you back.

We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I’m a people pleaser who wants everything to be peaceful. I grew up in a chaotic family. I dread any celebrations because my buttons get pushed by my siblings, parents, and extended family. Now that I’m married and have a kiddo, I’m even more afraid to rock the boat. If I stand up for myself, everything will go sideways.

My husband is shy, so he gets uncomfortable when things get sticky. This stresses our relationship. Can you give me some tips for navigating the holidays and other family celebrations?” With that question as the focus of this episode, this is the show. Please note that as this episode may contain sensitive information, reader discretion is advised.

I am joined by an amazing, top-notch relationship expert, Dr. Margaret Cochran. Dr. Cochran is known as the Relationship Doctor. Welcome to the show, Dr. Cochran. How are you?

Thank you so much for having me. I am fantastic and so excited to be here.

Dr. Cochran’s Mission As A Relationship Doctor

It’s such a joy to have you with us. Before we launch into this very interesting and not uncommon question or issue, I would like to ask you a little bit about what makes you you.

There’s something to unpack. The thing that makes me me is that I, like you, get tremendous joy out of watching people become their best selves. That is the fuel that makes me go. That’s what gives me joy. That’s what makes me able to put up with all the goofy nonsense that happens out in the world. Watching that process, whether it’s with a child, a couple, or an individual, is my joy point.

What Are Healthy Boundaries And How To Create Them

Thank you for sharing that. I’m with you. There is such joy in watching that transformation. It takes work. It takes dedication. It’s an ever-evolving practice. Thank you for sharing that piece of yourself with us. When we look at the question of the day, it is so multifaceted. You are an expert in the realm of well, relationship doctoring, and all of the things that go with that.

In the introduction, I was talking about the importance of boundaries and cognitive distortions. There are so many elements to getting unstuck. Those are two pieces that can work behind the scenes to keep us stuck in life and relationship dynamics. I feel for the individual who wrote in with this question. Growing up, I was the 9th kid in a family of 10.

You lost track. There are so many.

I did lose track. I lost track of so much, including who I was. Boundaries weren’t a thing in my family. It was, “Be good. Say yes. Be small. Stay quiet.” For people out there, regardless of how their family operated, even if it was a healthy family dynamic, still, sometimes, boundaries are more implicit than explicit. Could you describe for our readers what a boundary is? We can then talk about how to create them.

A boundary is a place that, if you cross, you lose yourself. You lose your integrity. You lose your voice. It feels almost soul-sucking. You lose your soul. Being able to stay on the healthy side of that line is imperative to live a happy life.

That was so beautifully said. It’s so important. Would you say that for our readers who might want to read it again? It doesn’t have to be verbatim. Say that again because it is a beautiful way to look at a line, where once you cross it, you’re giving up yourself or who you are. Please state it again.

It’s a line that once crossed, you enter a place where you begin to give up your integrity, yourself, your soul, and your voice. It’s so important to be able to stay on the healthy side of that line in order to live a happy life.

You can’t improve on that definition. That was brilliant. When we look at how simple it sounds, it sounds like, “Let’s stay on this side. Let’s stay on this side where we have our sense of self-respect, self-esteem, integrity, and sense of who we are.” What about situations like the person who wrote in where that wasn’t modeled?

It doesn’t sound like that was modeled growing up. This person, for whatever reason, grew up believing that they had to be the people pleaser in this chaotic family. I can only imagine showing up to these family gatherings. Maybe they live in the same town or maybe they don’t, but each time, they’re having to be small, not rock the boat, and not do anything that is sticky. That takes a lot of energy, as well as makes the person lose who they truly are.

In situations such as your reader described in her or his question, the first thing you have to decide is how many family gatherings you need to go to. It’s all seriousness. You only have so much energy. If you’re walking into a chaotic situation where you’re going to have to assert boundaries, you need psychological energy to do that. There’s one.

Two, if you have a kiddo and you’re taking your kiddo, you must protect them. You have to put them first. They’re a developing being. They have no power and no agency. Even though your family may have beaten the stuffing out of you, literally or figuratively, you have to be able to stand up for that child. We’ll get into that a little more later on.

Sometimes, when you come from a family that’s chaotic, you don’t know where your boundaries are. You have no idea. The first thing to think about is, “What’s my bottom line? What is not okay with me?” Write it down. Don’t keep it in your head. Commit it to paper. Don’t put it in your phone. Write it on paper. Why? The act of writing makes your brain release a hormone called GABA, which is calming. It’s important when you’re writing about painful stuff to do it longhand. You’re writing those things down. You’re like, “What are my bottom lines? What does that look like?” Initially, it may be uncomfortable or challenging for you because you’re not used to that, but sit with that. Look at those things.

Can we pause for a second? You’re giving us so much rich material already. I’d love to restate it. First, look at the number of family gatherings that you’re attending, if it’s every weekend, every once a month, or three times a year. For some families, even one time a year is an awful lot. It is looking at that and saying, “What can I, my partner, and my kiddo manage in a healthy way?” That is an excellent first place to start, so thank you.

The second one was to keep the kiddo safe. You, the reader, have the chance to model for your kiddo what healthy boundaries look like. In modeling healthy boundaries for your kiddo, you are breaking that intergenerational transmission of poor family patterns and relational dynamics that were not healthy. Look at your kiddo and say, “This kiddo deserves to sleep when they want to sleep, play in a healthy situation, not be hugged if they don’t want to be hugged,” and all of these things. Thank you.

For many people who can’t, at first, set boundaries for themselves, being able to set them with a child in mind is a wonderful place to start. Thank you for that. I can’t believe we already have so much to work with. The third thing that you mentioned was the importance, as you are filling it out, of being able to look at the situation. Say more about that.

If you come from a family where there are not a lot of boundaries, no permission to have a sense of self is what it comes down to. When you try to figure out, “What does the boundary look like? Where do I stop? Where do I start? Where’s me and where’s them?” This is super important. When you come from a chaotic family, the rule is that you are responsible for anything I feel. I being the family member.

If I’m mad, it’s your fault. If I’m sad, it’s your fault. If I’m happy, it’s probably not your fault. That’s probably me because I’m wonderful. I did that. Anything that is negative, uncomfortable, or challenges me in any way, I’m going to start pointing fingers at you and telling you you’re a bad person for making me feel that.

When you were a little person and didn’t have any power, the best thing you could do was hide. You keep your head down, don’t make too much noise, try to stay out of the way, or simply disappear. Sometimes, children do that, don’t they? They disappear into corners of the house, or they leave for a while. They figure out how powerful timeouts can be. You didn’t have a chance to figure all that out. During the developmental phase of your life, which is mid to later adolescence when your job is to individuate or separate from the family, they said, “Absolutely not. You belong to me, and my feelings belong to you.”

That’s very powerful. Thank you for bringing up the piece about individuation. Readers, that means that you become a separate individual. You feel separate. You can still be a part of a family system, but you’re able to leave the nest, grow your wings, have your autonomy, and have that respected by your family of origin. That’s the idea of you being an individual and your choices being respected and honored, especially if they’re healthy choices.

Unless you’re using drugs or something like that, your family might not honor and respect that choice, which is understandable. When you’re making healthy choices, even if it’s not in line with what the family might have expected of you, let’s say you want to be a ballet dancer and not an attorney, if that’s your choice, then in a healthy family, that individuation would be supported. Thank you for that. That’s so powerful, remembering that in a healthy family, you are allowed to be an individual. Your family respects that and honors it.

The other piece that you said was powerful is the importance of being in healthy family dynamics where others don’t blame you for their feelings. They own them. They can use iMessages and say, “I feel hurt that you are not coming to Thanksgiving. I respect that you’re not able to come and that you need a timeout. Maybe you want a quiet Thanksgiving this year.”

It’s Not About You – It Is About Them

In an unhealthy family, that would sound something like, “You are a bad, thoughtless daughter for not coming to Thanksgiving. You never take care of us. You never consider us. You’re always considering yourself,” which are also cognitive distortions. We’ll get to that. You gave us a great tip, which is to write them down. Writing down what you would like to see for boundaries in triggering situations and how you would like to respond to them produces GABA. On a visual level, it helps your brain say, “I can see this. Even if I can’t feel myself doing it, I can see it in writing.”

When I come into the room, let’s say I don’t want to have a drink, but my family keeps pushing food or drink at me even when I say no. You can write down that situation and say, “When somebody pushes food or an alcoholic beverage on me that I don’t want or a conversation that I don’t feel comfortable with.” Write that down. It’s so beautifully said. Also, after you write it down, you can even imagine yourself doing it. Imagine again and again saying, “No, Uncle so-and-so. I do not want a beer. Stop asking me. I would appreciate it.” Thank you. Back to you. Lead us forward.

What happens in a chaotic family, and I know you know this so well, is that the adults tell the children that they are fundamentally flawed in some way. It’s not, “You’ve done wrong.” It’s, “You are wrong now.” Done wrong would be remorse. You’ve made a mistake, and you can make amends for that. If you are wrong, we’re in the territory of shame.

Once our brain goes to shame our prefrontal cortex, a part of our brain that does the executive functioning, the logic, which is the thinking into the future and the rationalizing of what’s going on, is pretty much offline. We’re thinking with more primitive parts of our brain, around the area of the amygdala, which are two little almond-shaped cuties in the back of our brain. They’re all of a sudden running the show. You feel pretty terrible. There’s nobody to help you understand that the bad things that your family is telling you, which sometimes are direct and sometimes indirect, and it can go either way, are not about you. It’s a reflection of them.

Say more, please.

That’s my toughest sell as a therapist. It is this idea that you were told that you were fundamentally flawed. There’s no coming back from that. As a fundamentally flawed being, all you can do is stand there while people whip you with their cognitive distortions, their self-loathing, their bad feelings, their inappropriate needs, and on and on. You’ve got nowhere to go.

The healing point is when you can say, “Uncle George is trying to get me to drink with him because he is a drunk. He wants me to be drunk with him. I’m not a drunk, and I don’t want to be drunk with him, so I can say no.” What does that look like? Uncle George, Uncle Fred, or Aunt Susie gets in your face and says, “You need to do this. You must do this.” If you understand that’s about them and not about you, you will have the agency to say something like, “I appreciate you trying to take care of me, but I’m fine right now,” and walk away.

Let’s repeat that. Say, “I appreciate you trying to take care of me, but no, thank you,” and walk away.

Say, “I’m fine now.”

Keep practicing that. Say, “I appreciate you doing X, Y, or Z,” and then say, “It doesn’t work for me.” Walk away. Say, “Thank you for the offer, but it doesn’t work for me,” and walk away. Remember, readers. This can sound easy. We’re making it sound easy. It can be so tough. If it feels tough to you, it’s understandable because that is your fear based on your childhood experiences.

If you tried to get out of line, somebody likely, maybe physically but possibly psychologically, smacked you down so that you learned to be the good girl, the good boy, or the good person. When you are starting to grow these sea legs of standing up for yourself, saying the complete sentence of a no can feel so scary. With some people, you have to repeat that no for 2, 3, or 4 times until they realize, “This person’s not a doormat anymore. I can’t push them around.” That can feel deeply uncomfortable. Yet, it’s worth it in the long run. What do you think?

I agree. Here’s the thing. You know about human behavior. Mammalian behavior comes to that. When you change a system or when you start to behave differently, that system is going to push back with everything it has to try and get you to go back to what they know and understand or are uncomfortable with. That’s why when somebody wants you to have a beer you don’t want to have, the best thing to do is to confuse the socks off them by starting with something positive. Say, “I appreciate you trying to take care of me, but no thank you,” and walk away.

Do not continue to engage. Don’t argue. Don’t repeat the cycle. Don’t go through that. They will probably stand there slack-jawed for some time. They’ll be like, “Who was that? What happened? I don’t understand.” As a result of that, that person or other persons in the system may begin to poke the bear. That would be you, the bear. They’ll say, “Come on. Do this,” or, “You need to do that,” or, “You’re too thin,” or, “You’re too fat,” or, “You’re too tall,” or, “I don’t like your hair.” They come up with amazing, ridiculous things to be concerned about. A good line for that one is, “What an interesting perspective, but it’s not one I share,” and then walk away. Don’t stand there and engage.

When you go into a difficult situation, especially if it’s a family thing, with your family of marriage, it’s important to negotiate with your spouse or partner how long you’re going to stay. You’re like, “We’re going to do this for an hour,” or, “We’re going to do this for two hours max. No matter what’s going on, we’re going to leave.”

Also, there’ll be a safe emergency word. Something happens, and you get flooded. Flooding is when you’re overwhelmed. It’s like a tsunami of feelings. If you get flooded or overwhelmed, or your partner or spouse gets flooded or overwhelmed, they can say the word to you, and you need to make an excuse and go. That safe word may be used as a protection for your child if they’re starting in on your child about, “You shouldn’t eat so much,” or, “You would need to eat more.” A big one at family gatherings is trying to control the resource of food because it’s a life-giving thing. That’s about as primitive as it gets.

Your child doesn’t understand what’s going on with your family of origin any more than you did when you were little. That’s why it’s so important for you to step in front, if you will, of that interaction. Let’s say your child says, “I’m going to take up the trumpet,” and Grandma says, “Trumpet? Why would you play the trumpet? That’s not a good instrument for a little girl. You should play the flute. I played the flute when I was young.”

There’s our setup. The parent comes over and says, “The trumpet is a perfect instrument for her. Isn’t it, sweetie?” You then take your child away. Go get a cookie, a drink, or whatever. Don’t leave them there. If later on they say, “How come Grandma said that about the flute?” You can say, “Sometimes, Grandma gets a little bit excited about things, but don’t worry about it. It doesn’t mean anything. You made the best choice for you, and that’s what matters.”

I really appreciate this piece. You’re giving us such good tips for many situations, whether it be within family or outside of family units. Especially if there’s a kiddo involved, we step in a gentle way, modeling healthy behavior, and simply exit the situation and remove the child. If the child has concerns, gently respond to the concerns. No shaming. No blaming, It is taking that high road. That’s perfect.

I’ve heard it so much over the years that the child has not had people food yet. Maybe they’re still on the bottle or breast milk. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, or Uncle wants to be the first one to give them food, so they try to sneak in cheese or bananas. The parent comes to me afterward and says, “That’s not how I wanted it to go down.”

It is being able to say to the people, “This is important for us as parents to be able to keep the baby on a bottle or breast,” or whatever the situation is. It is being able to say, “We have a hard boundary around this. If anybody tries to feed Baby food that is not bottle or breast, we understand your desire and your excitement, but we will have to exit the situation.”

It is giving that warning in advance if it’s a known issue, but too many times, we don’t know the issues. That’s why I appreciate you bringing up the idea of a code word or an exit plan. You can do it graciously. Maybe the code word is sunflower. You can say, “Honey, sunflower.” You know that sunflower means, “Let’s go out and take a walk around the block.” Maybe the code word rose means, “It’s time to get up, give our kind words of departure, get into the car, and leave.”

This also helps the marital relationship because the couple then feels so united. They’re not against anybody, but united within themselves as they would in any difficult situation, whether it’s family, work, or whatever. It is being united and saying, “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this. If things get a little brittle or sticky, we’ll unite. This is how we’ll exit for how long or maybe leave that gathering altogether.”

Why Your Boundaries Must Always Remain Flexible

Thank you. This is so helpful. The pieces that you’re bringing up are applicable not just to holiday gatherings, but to situations, whether it’s a wedding or a weekend barbecue. It is being able to embrace the idea of a strong boundary. Strong boundaries look different in different situations. When we’re with people who respect us, love us, honor us, and lean in toward us, our boundaries can be far more fluid and flexible. With people who tend to be disrespectful, our boundaries naturally have to get stronger and a little more rigid to have that safety. Is that your understanding?

You are so right, as always. Here’s the thing, though. The scenario that you described, I love that you brought that up because that happens a lot with the food thing, little kids, and stuff. They’ll try to give them something that maybe they have an allergy to. I’ve seen that happen, too. If you have, in a moment of calm, announced to the family, “No solid food right now,” and somebody violates that boundary, you’re out of there.

They may cajole you. They may try to shame you into staying, like, “Come on. I’m sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” Do not say. If you give an inch, they will take a mile. They will not respect you. They will not listen to you. I guarantee you that before that gathering is over, they will have done it again. When you say, “I’m out,” go. You don’t have to be angry about it. You don’t have to be nasty, mean, or any of those things they’ll probably accuse you of. You have to be clear, “It’s time for us to leave.” That’s all you say.

Say, “It’s time for us to leave. Thank you for inviting us,” and quickly go. Have your stuff staged for whatever exit you planned initially. Don’t have things all over the house where you have to run around and gather them up. Keep them in a nice little pile somewhere and get out of there. You’ll hear about it later. Remember, they are going to try and push you back into the status quo. They’ll be like, “Why did you do that? You insulted Aunt Mabel when she tried to give her strawberries.” You say, “It’s because that is our boundary for the health of our child. No one and nothing crosses that.”

Thank you for emphasizing that. It doesn’t need to be about being angry. It’s simply about being clear. I like the acronym BIFF. Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

That’s great.

Keep it brief. Give them information. Be friendly. Be firm. Work on it with your partner in advance. If you’re a reader who is not partnered, work on it with a friend or in a mirror. Do some role-playing. I’ve been here as I learned boundaries. It can be so anxiety-inducing that you back down and don’t hold your boundaries. The more practice you get in advance, the more you go through that initial hurdle. Once you do it, it’s easier.

You had mentioned something earlier. I certainly subscribe to that idea. Readers, this is critical. I’m re-emphasizing something Dr. Cochran already said. When you change, if you have always been the doormat and the people pleaser, your family, friends, or whoever you’re working on this with, will not understand what’s happening. All they know is you are no longer being the person you were, the person who was the people pleaser, the doormat, or whatever role you played.

When you start learning to stand up for yourself and learning your boundaries, as you are getting unstuck, then you will start creating some ripples in that family system that was used to you being in your role. Prepare yourself for it. It will create ripples. It’ll maybe create some waves. The more you realize they’re just ripples or waves, as things are changing, the more you’ll see that you will make it through it. They may choose not to change, in which case you may have to step back from the relationship. You don’t need to change and give up who you are to please people who don’t have your best interests at heart. What do you think?

That’s true. The dynamic that I hear expressed a lot when someone begins to change their behavior is the system that’s resistant to change, or some members of the system, or sometimes, a group of people will say, “Who have you been talking to?” As a not-so-healthy system, my belief and cognitive distortion is, “I control you. You’re mine. You do life my way.”

If, all of a sudden, you say, “No, thank you,” they’re going to be like, “Someone else must be controlling you because you don’t have a self of your own. You don’t have your own mind or your own agency. That’s my agency here. You must be talking to someone else.” They don’t like outside helpers like therapists, doctors, or whoever might bring up, “There might be another way to do this.” You may get that question, “Who have you been talking to?” The answer to that question is to look them in the eye, smile, and say, “That’s such a good question. What I’ve been doing is listening to myself.” That’s all you have to say.

How Cognitive Distortions Keep Us Stuck

That’s wonderful. You mentioned something that I promised our readers we would get to, which is cognitive distortions. One of my favorite words in cognitive behavioral therapy is cognitive distortions because they are sneaky, powerful little buggers. Would you explain what cognitive distortions are and how they’re so powerful in negative relationship dynamics and in keeping us stuck?

Yeah. Thank you for that. Cognitive distortions are fallacious, incorrect, and not true beliefs. We give them the power of fact, and then we begin to live our lives according to that fact that started out as a fallacy or not true in the beginning. All of a sudden, that’s what’s true. I worked with a woman. She was a delightful woman, but she could never get that next promotion. I said, “Did you get bad reviews?” They said, “I never got bad reviews. They’re always good, but they always say, “Maybe next year.”

I said, “Is there anything about the promotion that you don’t like the idea of, like the corner office, better lunch, or executive bathroom? What is it about it that you don’t like?” She said, “All those things would be fine.” I said, “I’m guessing you’d make more money if you were promoted, huh?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “I see.” She said, Money is the root of all evil. If I make more money and my family finds out, they’re not going to love me anymore, so I can’t.”

What she didn’t realize was that she was putting out this energy to her employer, “I want this, but don’t give it to me.” She’s stuck on the horns of this false belief. The work that she did was to come to recognize that if someone resents you because you’re doing well, then they don’t love you to start with. They may use the L word, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true. That can be hard to accept. We have this idea, which is very pervasive in our culture, that if you’re biologically related to someone, then they’re going to love you. That is not true.

Sadly, but it’s not true.

Often, your most wonderful family comes from people you have nothing to do with genetically. They are family. They love you, support you, accept you, and all that kind of stuff. Ultimately, she came to terms with the fact that money is not the root of anything bad. You can use it badly, but you can also have a whole lot of fun with it, which she proceeded to do, I might add. She did get a promotion. Some of her family was disgruntled, but because of the work she’d done, she realized, “That’s their thing. Has nothing to do with who I am.”

Thank you for that beautiful example and how important it is for us to realize that, as with the situation you illuminated, it’s not always easy to tease these things apart. That is why we can get so quickly stuck or consistently stuck. When we grow up in an unhealthy family system, the messages or the cognitive distortions of parents, caregivers, brothers, sisters, or whoever can be so entrenched, especially if it’s a very dichotomous way of thinking, where it is all or nothing.

It’s like, “You’re good. You’re bad. If you do this, you’re good. If you do that, you’re bad. If you color outside the lines, you’re bad. If you do exactly what we say, you’re good.” All of those things create deep shame if you end up coloring outside the lines or going on your own path. Be kind to yourself as you do the work to figure out where these cognitive distortions are. Our reader gave us a beautiful one when they wrote in and said something to the effect of, “If I stand up for myself, everything will go sideways.”

There we go. Beautifully said. In a family system such as you described, the message that you are given is, “You control my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.” That’s the fallacy. The truth is, you don’t. I can’t control you. People sometimes say, “If you do this, this person will be sad.” Not necessarily.

They could choose to laugh at it. They could choose to be sad. They could choose to be angry. They could choose to be intimidated. Feelings are choices. Here’s a big one. Please watch this one. Feelings are not facts. Having a feeling about something doesn’t mean it’s true. You have to use a system of tests to determine what your feelings are telling you and why, and then where you want to go with that.

Thank you for taking a pause around that. It’s my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, where I talk about how we have our thoughts, and from our thoughts come our feelings, our mindset, our energy, and our actions. It’s this constant interplay that’s often below the radar. For someone who’s standing up for themselves for the first time in a family system, friend system, or at work, this is a common one. Their feelings of anxiety come up and say, “Stop. Run. Hide. Don’t stand up for yourself. Don’t color outside the lines.” Those feelings are lying to you. They’re trying to keep you safe. In childhood, you learned that if you stood up, somebody would likely be nasty or mean. Maybe they hit you. All sorts of emotionally or physically abusive things may have happened.

You take their love away.

Those feelings are trying to keep you safe in a very primitive way. On the other side of those feelings of fear or anxiety is your freedom. If you can learn to do what Dr. Cochran is coaching here and talking about, if you can learn to stand up for yourself one step at a time, you will discover the real you. You are going to discover the deep, strong, gorgeously gracious, respectful, beautiful you that is going to be capable of saying, “This isn’t for me,” or, “That doesn’t feel right,” or, “No, thank you.”

Going back to the one you said that I love, you could also say, “I hear your perspective, but it’s not mine. It doesn’t comport with mine.” You’ll know that power. I want to emphasize when you said to walk away. You are not walking away to be disrespectful. You’re walking away to avoid the back-and-forth banter or that controlling energy that is not designed to honor you, but is designed to get you back in that stuck place.

A Few Techniques To Help Yourself During Stressful Situations

There are a couple of things there. You’ve probably had this, too, where someone will say, “Why would my family member do that to me? Why would they want me to feel terrible?” Like all things, it comes down to biology, doesn’t it? That person feels bad about themselves. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of the brain that allows us to feel pleasure and also to concentrate and focus. The only way they can get a squirt of that is to put somebody else down. They’re so far down that they don’t know any other way to feel a little up other than try and one-up you on something. If it’s okay, I’d like to take a second to discuss a couple of techniques that might be helpful. Is that okay to do that?

Please.

Years ago, I was a school teacher. I used to teach kids to spell the word Mississippi. Now, I use it when people are in stressful situations. Here’s why. If you get hit with a surprise attack, so to speak, your amygdala says, “Danger, danger. This is bad. We’re going to die.” Your prefrontal cortex, the reason the logic, is offline.

If somebody hits you with a bomb, say nothing and, in your mind, go, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.” That’s going to give your prefrontal cortex time to catch up with your amygdala. Often, if the family is not healthy, they’ll start to poke you. They’re like, “Say something. What is it that you have to say?” You say in your mind, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. It’s an interesting perspective, but not one I share.” Give your brain time to catch up with itself.

The second technique I’m going to offer you, and you may have talked about this before in one of your other programs, is called the 4-7-8 ‘I am enough’ Breathing. You use this prophylactically in preparation for the family gathering, or you can do it during. You can go off to the bathroom or a little quiet place. You inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and then exhale for a count of 8.

While you’re doing those things, you’re saying in your head, “I am enough,” because what the unhealthy system is trying to tell you is, “You’re not enough. You’re fundamentally flawed. You’re a bad person. You’re irresponsible,” and all that stuff we said. You’re reminding yourself, “I’m enough. I’m enough for whatever comes my way. I can do Mississippis. I can say no. I can have safe words. I can have a self.”

I appreciate that. I’m such a fan of breathing techniques. That is a great one. Remember to use it with the, “I am enough.”

It is so important.

You make me think of my first book, Joy From Fear, where I talk about all the different breathing techniques. Customize. Find one that works for you. You mentioned the 4-7-8 one. Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 7, and breathe out to a count of 8. What it does is not only does it bring your parasympathetic nervous system online, but it also gives you space so that you’re not reacting, running, and freezing. It’s so good because it brings down cortisol, the stress hormone. It reduces them.

I appreciate the tips that you’re bringing up. You are setting boundaries and standing up to systems, people, and situations where you would normally be a doormat. I’ve been there. I get how hard it can be. It can feel like the world is going to end. Instead of going into, “The world is going to end. Nobody will like me. Everyone will hate me,” realize the people who truly love you and respect you. They may not be your DNA family, but they are out there. There is your soul family out there somewhere. It may be your friends or somebody at work.

This is where a healthy relationship is. There will be people who will respect you. Maybe in your family system, as you set up these strong boundaries, maybe there are other people in the system who want to learn and go, “That’s good. I saw my sister or my cousin say, ‘No, thank you. I’m going to go and take a walk around the block. No, thank you. I’m going to go and have a rest on the doorstep.’”

Whatever you are doing, and you don’t need to explain it to anybody, remember, breathing is one of those. Thank you for reminding us of the power of breathing to reset you from a place of fight, flight, freeze, and appease. You’re entitled to that. Even if somebody wants to invade that space, you can say, “I’m doing my breathing exercises right now. Time out.” Who cares if they think you’re a little bit bonkers? That’s on them.

I’m so glad that you’re bringing up your books. They are wonderful. I’m a big fan.

Thank you.

You’ve got a lot of wisdom in there that’s very helpful. What’s nice about a book is you can go back to it. Sometimes, if you’re working on something and you’re on the edge of growth and stuff, you’ll think, “What was that? How did that work?” It is being able to go back to your book, look again, and say, “That’s what it is.” It’s very reassuring and calming to know that I have a resource that I can always go back to. It’s my little safe space between the covers of the book. That’s a wonderful gift. You’ve done an amazing job.

Thank you. One of the reasons I write them is that so many people out there can’t afford psychotherapy. Whether someone who’s reading buys mine or somebody else’s, make sure it has exercises in it. That’s why all of my books have exercises. If we just do a read, we aren’t going to be doing that life-changing work that involves visualization, writing things down, finding the roots of old behaviors that aren’t healthy, or rewiring the brain for healthier habits.

If this seems like too big a thing to do on your own, there are support groups out there. There are individual psychotherapists. There are free groups where people are working on issues like this. There’s bibliotherapy. Meaning, pick up a book at your library. You don’t even have to buy one. Find one in the self-help book section that looks compelling to you that’s talking about boundaries. On your website, what resources are there?

Using Humor And Distractions During Chaotic Family Moments

There are various vlogs and information about relationships, and also how to connect with me if you have questions after the show, or you’d like to send me a note or something that you wanted to know. The thing I want to come back to is a very popular thing that I see in family gatherings is that you’ll have a family member who’s complaining about another family member. You’ve probably run into this one. Maybe it’s your mom complaining about your dad, your uncle complaining about his mom, or whatever it is. It’s extremely important that you don’t engage, but you can have fun with it. It’s okay to use humor.

Let’s say Mom is going on about, “Your father has this and done that.” You can say, “That’s six things, Mom. That’s pretty good. I’m going to go get a drink. Would you like me to bring you back something?” Distract. Change the subject. Do what stage magicians do. They’re like, “Look over here. We’re not going to do this anymore. We’re out of here.” It confuses the person and often shuts down that conversation. Those are little things to remember. If people have questions or, or there’s anything, they’re welcome to go to DrCochran.com.

Thank you. I have to jump back to what you were talking about with the distraction. That is another fabulous tip. I don’t mean this in an unkind way, but it’s one that we often use with little kids. They want ice cream, this, or that, and we say, “Look over here. There’s a blueboard. Look at the butterfly.” Sadly, and this is the part that I don’t mean to be unkind about, there are some adults who, as much as they are chronologically older, are very much like children inside.

Learn that art of distraction, like, “I’m going to go get a glass of water. Would you like some ice water?” or, “I’m going to run to the bathroom. I’ll be circling back later on.” Light things. I love how you said, “Mom, that’s six things. That’s a lot. That sounds pretty heavy.” It’s okay, generally, not to use sarcasm because that can feel like engagement to people. Instead, it is taking that light, higher road.

That is such a great tip, the tip of distraction. Remember, some adults are like kiddos in big people’s clothes, so distraction often works. Are there any other pieces? Thank you for offering people to contact you through your website and being able to read some of the work you’ve done, which is powerful work. Thank you. You have such great resources. When we have something to read, especially if you’re listening to a podcast, sometimes, it’s so fast and furious. You’re also available on Instagram, right?

Yes. I also have a podcast myself, which I’m looking forward to having you as a guest on. I’m super excited about that. It’s called The Relationship Doctor.

Team Up With Your Partner Against Family Chaos

Last piece before we wind up. I noticed in the question that the person was worried about the tax on their marriage or the burden on the marriage. I’d like you to fill this in before we wrap up. When you work on this as an individual and as a team member, partnering with your spouse, romantic partner, friend, or whomever is there with you to come out, not on top of other people, but as a better version of yourself one step at a time, that evolution, then it naturally benefits the marriage or the other relationship because you’re doing this teamwork. You’re doing your own work, but you’re also teaming up with your partner. What do you think?

You are, as always, spot on. All families have dysfunction. It’s on a continuum. You can have a little bit, a lot, and everything in between. If your family’s North of little, you’ve got a lot going on. They don’t honor your marriage. They don’t honor your new union. They will often say bad things about it or tell you, “He’s no good.” Here’s one that people say. They’re like, “He’s too good for you. That happens, too. As a result of that, you have to present that strong, unified front of, “We are a unit.”

If Grandma says, “I want you to come do this. I want you to come Thursday and do this for me,” you say, “Let me check with my wife and see what’s on the calendar, and then I’ll do what I can for you.” They’ll say, “I’m your grandma. Don’t you want to do that for me?” You can be like, “I’d be happy to help you, but I must check with my family first.” That’s how you begin to assert yourself. When you do that, what do you feel? Safe with each other. When you feel safe, you can do anything.

Thank you for bringing that up. When you are married or in a long-term relationship, that partnership has to be the bedrock. That has to be the most important thing. I always say home is where we start from. When you are in a long-term relationship, that home or that place has to be fostered first. That way, you can go out into the world, and together, you can face anything because you have that strength and unity.

Some people might read this and go, “That’s so overly dependent.” That’s called interdependent, where you can depend on each other. You can move out into the world. Both go to work or both see your friends, and then move back. It is always coming back to this strong sense of trust, safety, and security, which is ideally what we would’ve gotten in our childhood environments, and then it gets replicated in the relationship environment. In all too many cases, it isn’t what somebody had growing up, so they don’t know how to create it. What a yummy piece to end on. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Get In Touch With Dr. Cochran

Where can our readers find you?

You can find me at DrCochran.com. You can find me in The Relationship Doctor on various podcast sites, like Apple, Spotify, and that kind of thing. I’m on Instagram. I’m at LinkedIn. I’m everywhere.

Thank you so much for sharing your time, energy, wisdom, and such empowering advice with us. It’s so amazing. Thank you.

Thank you. It was a pleasure.

Thank you. I have one final note to our readers that came to me. I don’t want to leave without saying this. Remember, learn strong boundaries and break old relationship dynamics. Let’s say you’re twenty years old. Those patterns have been going on for twenty years. Let’s say you’re 30, 40, 50, 60, or 70. Those have been going for as long as you’ve been on the planet, so give yourself grace and patience. Baby step it. You may not get it right the first time. If you’re like me, you probably won’t get it right the first time, and that’s okay. Don’t shame or blame yourself. Rewire it in your head and say, “This is how I wish I could do it next time. I’ll try this next time.” Give yourself grace. Give yourself patience.

You can’t have success without failure, can you?

There you go. Thanks again, Dr. Cochran. To our readers, thank you, as always, for sharing your time, energy, and journey with us.

Important Links

• Dr. Margaret Cochran
• Dr. Margaret Cochran on Instagram
• Dr. Margaret Cochran on LinkedIn
• Dr. Cochran on Transpersonal Psychology and Wellness
• The Relationship Doctor Podcast
• NAMI HelpLine
• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• Joy From Fear
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Dr. Margaret Cochran

Dr. Cochran is a transpersonal psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, life coach, hypnotherapist, educator, social media personality and author with more than 25 years of clinical experience. A seasoned professional dedicated to the health and well-being of all her patients, Dr. Cochran takes a whole person approach to mental health and wellness. She seamlessly interweaves traditional ego psychology, transpersonal psychology and energy psychology affording her patients every tool possible to achieve their goals and make their dreams a reality.

Dr. Cochran has been featured in a range of media outlets throughout the country including BBC, ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX affiliates, CBS Radio, Healthline, Yahoo Life, Total Beauty, Media News Group, Mercury News, and many additional outlets. In addition to the Huffington Post, she has also been featured regularly on NBC Sacramento’s morning show and hosted radio programs such as, “Wisdom, Love and Magic” and “A Mental Health Moment.”