Do you struggle with imposter syndrome? Do you consciously or unconsciously engage in self-sabotaging behaviors? Do fear, anxiety, and negative patterns get in the way of your ability to grow and shine as your authentic self? As a clinical psychologist, I’ve found that low self-worth and self-sabotaging behaviors are often the biggest impediments to living a joyful, abundant life. If you’re yearning to get unstuck and move out of survival mode, join me and today’s tremendous expert, Linda Binns, for a powerful journey into discovering how you can truly and deeply thrive. Topics discussed include self-sabotage, comparison, negative self-talk, authenticity, conditioning, self-discovery, self-work, judgment, joy, purpose, survival, thriving, imperfection, self-awareness, and self-development.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert in this (or any episode) is offering medical or psychological direction; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

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Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

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Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

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Connect with Linda Binns:

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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LindaBinnsEnergyExpert

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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@LindaBinns

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Discover Freedom & Joy with the Superpower of Self-Awareness!

Break Free of Self-Sabotage and Low Self-Worth by Embracing Your Authentic Self

Are you struggling with imposter syndrome? Do you have a habit of engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors that are either conscious or unconscious? Do you have an inner critic whose negative thoughts bring you to a place of feeling stuck? If any of this sounds familiar, take heart. This expert Linda Binns will guide us on a wonderful journey into breaking free of the destructive habits that hold you back and creating new habits that bring you into a place of discovering your authentic self and living your best, most authentic life.

In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “Can you offer some pointers for getting out of self-defeating habits? I can be my own worst enemy. I procrastinate about everything from handling relationship chaos to getting my work projects done on time. I end up in a vicious cycle where I don’t do the things I should. I feel bad about myself and it spirals until I feel broken and powerless. Do you have any tips?” With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love. Please note as this episode contains sensitive information, reader discretion is advised.

I am joined by a fabulous expert, Linda Binns. She will help us understand how to turn survival energy into energy that helps you truly thrive. Welcome to the show, Linda. It’s such a joy to have you with us.

Thank you so much. It is my pleasure to be here. I’m happy to be doing this.

Linda’s Constant Effort To Improve Herself

You are such a wonderful expert and well aligned with the topic of now. You’re an author, a coach who helps people learn to discover their unique code for changing these old patterns that can keep us in stock and breaking these habits that perpetuate low self-worth and self-sabotage. All of those things that work against us are often operating underneath our own radar. Before we launch into all of your wealth of expertise, can you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

I functioned in survival mode for a very long time and many people just didn’t know it. What makes me, me is that I’m constantly striving to improve myself. Once I recognized that was even possible, then I wholeheartedly embraced it. Somebody said to me when I’m trying to resolve an issue, I leave no stone unturned. I won’t stop.

You could call it stubborn, but I love figuring out what works for me. With each of my clients, I love figuring out what works for them because there is no one-size-fits-all. It’s about figuring out who someone is and then what works for them and what doesn’t. That’s what I love to do. It’s like helping people understand themselves at deeper and deeper levels, because we typically don’t understand ourselves. That’s what makes me.

Thank you so much. It’s very interesting listening to you talk because it’s very much the way I operate and often we think in life that we achieve this moment of self-fulfillment or our lives are perfect or we’ve become perfect. Maybe we believe we can never achieve self-growth or we don’t need even have self-growth on our radar. Yet for people who learn to value self-development, you can call it self-development, self-exploration or self-growth, it becomes like a way of being.

It’s as important as eating right, exercising and sleeping right. We add in that component for people who value this. It becomes a daily piece of who we are. That self-reflection, seeing a psychotherapist when we feel the need to, or want to, reading self-help books. Doing that work not because we’re broken, but because we want to evolve over time and learn more about what makes us tick on a psychological level. Thank you. We are very aligned.

Often, we just go through life thinking this is just the way things have to be. That’s how I used to be, the way I was brought up. The beliefs that were programmed in me as a child. That I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy of anything and I wouldn’t amount to anything. All of those things and I completely believe those. Over time as I started to get a little glimmer of questions like, is that true?

My other experience is, once I left home. It started to show me that perhaps that wasn’t true. I started to question those beliefs and that conditioning that I had. Once I saw an experience, what happened as a result of that. How much better life gets when you start to dig into those things? I know there’s often a lot of fear about digging into those things but you start to progress and then there’s no way you would ever go back.

I look back at who I used to be and I cannot imagine how I even did survive as that person that I was. Once you are on this journey, it is a journey. There’s no going back. You wouldn’t want to go back. Life just gets better and better. The more you know yourself, the more you understand yourself and the more you learn to embrace who you are. Not who other people tell you, you are.

I want to validate what you said because it comes from that personal experience as well as experience with clients of watching people break free from old conditioning. Some people grew up in very healthy and expansive childhood environments and many people don’t. That journey into self-awareness, self-expansiveness, independence and individuation can all be very scary because you’re coloring outside the lines. Your coloring outside what was prescribed to you as being the correct way or the only way.

That journey as you’re saying can be so empowering and anxiety inducing at first. When you look in the rearview mirror and look at how far you’ve come and I look at my own life that way. I helped many clients who will come back and they’ll say, “I can’t believe who I was. What I have now, I would never trade. I wouldn’t want that old life back ever. I can’t believe what I put up with from other people. I can’t believe the way I talk to myself. I can’t believe the way I treated other people.” All of those things, it’s not about shaming or blaming the younger version of oneself, but having loads of empathy and appreciation for the journey that’s happened. Not by chance but because of self-work.

Often people become extremely frustrated with themselves because they’re procrastinating, they’re not achieving what they want, and they don’t feel as happy as they think they should be. Even though they may seem to have everything we all believe we should want like nice house, nice cars, nice family or plenty of money maybe. Yet there’s an emptiness inside. It can be incredibly frustrating and you can’t help but believe, “There must be something wrong with me. Why am I not happy in this situation? Why do I feel that I’m struggling?”

Once you start to learn to understand yourself, explore your energy. Who is your energetic cleaner? What beliefs and conditioning do you have? What things affect other people’s energy? Does that affect you? Do you tend to take on other people’s emotions and trauma? Do you struggle in certain environments? Do people tend to tell you you’re too much or you’re too sensitive or you take things too personally? Whenever you have those kinds of experiences it makes you question who you are. It sounds so simple and it is simple.

Somebody said to me once, the answer is, know who you are and then be that, but we don’t know who we are. I always thought because of what I was told that I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t capable of anything, and I was always supposed to be small. My family experience was about keeping me small, and it wasn’t until I started to leave that environment that I started to expand and recognize that that’s not the case. That’s not true. People come to me and they’ll say, “I need help with time management. I’m not managing my time. I’m procrastinating about everything.”

Very often, once we dig into that a little bit, we find out that what they’re doing is not in alignment with who they are at all. That’s why they’re procrastinating. It’s because it’s not what they want to be doing. They just didn’t recognize that. They thought that they should just be good at this. They should just get better at this. It’s not that there’s something wrong with you. It’s, are you living in alignment with who you are?

If you’re struggling, if you don’t wake up in the morning feeling good about yourself and feeling good about what you’re going to be doing throughout the day. You are in survival mode. There’s something about your life that you need to look at. I used to struggle with the word joy. When people would say, “You can feel the joy or whatever.” That seems so far away for me, but I honestly believe now that we are here to enjoy our lives and to feel good about ourselves. When we don’t, then that’s a sign that there’s something for us to do or something for us to look at within ourselves. It’s not about changing the external circumstances. It’s looking at ourselves and then the external circumstances change.

There are so many things you’ve brought up that are important to pay attention to, and I’ll start with joy because joy makes sense that it didn’t resonate with you. It sounds like you didn’t grow up in a very joyful environment. I know in my first book, Joy from Fear, I came to a place where I had to understand what joy was. I wanted to stand it. From a physical level, an experiential level, mental, spiritual, and all of those places. What I came to see within my own framework is that joy is something that we are born with. I liken it to a candle and it’s there burning. When we’re out in the world, it builds up. We build up on that glass because people say unkind things to us.

We say unkind things to ourselves as a response to that. We engage in patterns that are meant to protect us but they harm us and keep us stuck. All of these things build up soot. We can’t see and feel our own joy because of all of the soot. When we learn to do self-work, simple noticing, whether it’s meditation, journaling or seeing a therapist. Whatever helps us notice our patterns and wipe away that soot bit by bit, all of those self-sabotaging behaviors and maybe putting people, as you are saying, we do this internal work. As a response, we may need to distance ourselves from people or situations that are healthy for us.

We all have that ability to work with our joy. Sometimes we won’t feel it. Sometimes we don’t have to stay in but it’s always there. It’s always accessible. Sometimes it can get overpowered by anger or sadness or some of the other core emotions. I love that you’re bringing up joy because if we slow down, we can generally tap into it. I know my morning exercise, when I’m out in nature. It is such a joy filled time because there are birds. If I go super early, there are owls hooting and all sorts of things that are just pure joy.

Where Does Self-Sabotage Come From

We can all access that even if we’re not in proximity to nature. We can access that through visualizations and all sorts of small bits of mindfulness that allow us to touch our joy, feel our joy and remind us that it’s there. Thank you for bringing up joy. The other piece is I’d like please for you to set out some definitions for us. The three that I like to start with, because their core not only to the reader’s question of the day but core to your work. Please define self-sabotage, explain where it comes from, and if you would also, please talk about survival energy and thrive energy.

Self-sabotage, one of the best ways I saw it described is it’s just like a thermostat. It’s like, as we grow up, we have this set point that’s based on the way we grew up, our community, what we would led to believe about ourselves and all of that. It’s like we have this set point that says, “This is how happy you can be. This is how successful you can be or how wealthy you can be.” As we start to bump up against that, especially if you’re on a behalf of personal growth and you’re looking to improve your life situation and your life experiences. You come up against that set point. There are subconscious parts of you that will then say, “You can’t do that. This is how successful you’re supposed to be. You can’t move beyond that.”

It’s designed to keep you safe. When we were children, these saboteurs, if you like, served a purpose to keep us safe. Now, if you’re trying to grow beyond what you were led to believe you could achieve, then they will kick in and say, “You can’t do that.” You’ll be pulled back in many ways. An example might be, I’ve had this several times with female clients particularly where they have their own business. They’re growing the business and they start to do well. Things start to go well and then things will happen. They will encounter patterns. By patterns, I mean something that repeatedly happens where they will be pulled away. It could be a family emergency, for example, where the family needs them so much so that they are pulled away from what they want to do with their business or with their life.

They’ll start to have accidents or different things will happen, which causes them to stop and causes them to go backwards a little bit. Once that drama is over or whatever it is, they start again. They reach up against that set point again, something else will happen. It may be a similar thing and I’m thinking of one client in particular. Every time she started to do well, there was a family drama and she was pulled into that. It’s not that you can’t be there for your family to support them, but do you have to allow it to completely derail what you’re focused on?

You can be there. You can offer your support in whatever way you can, but do you want to allow it to completely derail what you’re focused on? We all have these saboteurs and it could be as simple as the judge, for example. We all have the judge. The judge is active in all of us quite often. You might judge someone because they’re driving too fast. You might judge the person who’s driving too close behind you or the person who left their shopping cart in the parking lot and didn’t put it away. Those judgments and all of those things can get in our way. That’s designed to keep us safe.

The way I have learned to overcome them is to recognize them to say, “Recognize what that is.” I’m reaching that set point and now, I’m choosing to go beyond it. It’s like, I recognize this sabotage or this experience is coming into my life in an attempt to keep me safe and pull me back. I recognize I don’t need it and I’m going to choose to move on, anyway. That’s the approach that I take with self-sabotage, but it’s something many of us can identify with.

Very often, it seems like it’s something that’s happening outside of us. If it’s a family drama or a car accident or something like that, and those things keep happening. You might think, “How do I have control over that?” It’s something that is happening. I promise you, that once you start looking at why this is continuing to happen and what is it telling me about myself? You start to challenge that inner saboteur, then you can move beyond it. That’s how I see self-sabotage.

Beautiful explanation, Linda. It’s so important for our readers, to slow down so that you can have time to think of maybe parts in your life where you’re doing well but maybe someone in your family or friends circle says, “That’s not a good path for you or do you want to take that risk?” Maybe there’s a part of yourself that’s saying, “Can you be successful at that? Remember, dad always said everything you touched would turn to crap or whatever it is.”

A lot of these things that even coaches and teachers told us, “You’re not the smartest one in the classroom, are you?” Little quips, and our brains are designed to hold on to those little negatives. We have 1,000 compliments but if somebody gives us one negative dig, it’s the negative dig that we remember. Not because we’re broken but because again, Linda, going back to what you said. It’s about survival. We learned to pay attention to the negative because then we’re thinking, “I need to be safe,” like the house can be perfectly quiet and wonderful and we hear one creek. We pay attention to the creek because something’s in our system that says, “You must pay attention to that creek to be safe.”

When You Need To Look Into And Address Procrastination

If this resonates with you, readers. Remember you’re not broken. They’re just old hardwired patterns that at one point kept you in a so-called safe place because of your childhood or early adult years but might work against you. Linda, before we move to the thrive energy and the survive energy. I wanted to just pop into something that came out with procrastination or self-sabotage.

I found that sometimes when I’m working with clients on self-sabotage and they’ll say something like this, “I like to procrastinate. I do my best work on studying for an exam or baking cookies for the event the next day or turning out this big work product. I like to procrastinate because I get this nice surge of energy when I do that.” I personally see that as different from procrastination where somebody doesn’t have a positive outcome. Where they end up giving their worst efforts or they don’t bake the cookies at all or don’t show up for the event. What is your experience with that? How do you see that type of pattern?

I completely agree with you. I wouldn’t call that procrastination. I would call that being thoughtful or putting thoughtful energy into something as opposed to just jumping in and doing it. I don’t see that as procrastination at all. What I always look at is, if you have a behavior, is it causing you problems? The fact that you like to take that time before you do an exam or before you study or write something or perform a task, if you like to take that time and then you do the task. It works out better because you’ve taken that time. How is that a problem? That’s not a problem. As you said, if you’re procrastinating and you keep thinking about it and you never get to do it. That is procrastination then it’s causing you a problem. That’s when you need to look at it.

It’s so important for people to be because we often call that cram studying. This resonates with me because I happen to be that person, where I like to be busy and then okay, know this thing. I’m going to set aside this three hours before the event and that’s when I’m going to get it done. That’s good for my energy. It works for me. I know many clients where once they realize it’s working for you. It is in a healthy way unless it’s causing you stress.

If that’s where you get your energy from and you get a good outcome. I agree and we can call it mindful last minute scheduling because you are doing it knowing that this is where you do your best. If it’s not a problem, then you don’t have to call it procrastination. If you like that word and you want to call it mindful procrastination. Feel free, but that differentiation between patterns that keep you stuck and keep you from performing in the way that you’d like to perform. Patterns that you look at and you observe and you say, “This works for me. It doesn’t harm anyone around me. I still lead. It feels good.”

Recognizing Survival Energy Through Self-Awareness

Thank you, Linda, for that piece. That’s very helpful. Let’s move to surviving energy, how it works against us and how energy, especially looking at this reader who’s getting stuck in these traps and these cycles that make them not feel good about themselves. They feel like they’re not worth a lot and broken. Please help us sort through how we can change that energy, in this case, it sounds very much in survival mode, just go in through the steps.

Survival energy, getting through the day is driven by fear, by stress and maybe obligation and the need to prove yourself or please others. Thriving energy is just very different. It’s expensive and creative. There’s a calmness to it. There’s a connection to who you are, your purpose, and your authenticity. This is why I said self-awareness is the most important thing. As you were saying that understanding this is my energy and this is how it works best for me so that when I’m doing this work, I like to do it mindfully and take time before I start.

Not everybody is the same. This is why when there are time management things, strategies and all of these strategies where people say, “This works for everybody.” It doesn’t. It’s a case of understanding what works for you. If you are operating from survival mode, you basically feel exhausted. You overthink or you might be people pleasing and constantly feeling that there’s something wrong. Maybe you’re behind. As we said, there’s no joy in life and it can show up in so many ways. You feel it in your body. You just don’t feel good. If you want to put it simply, if you are in survival mode, you don’t feel good. If you’re in thriving mode, you feel great. You feel good about yourself and what is happening in your life.

How do you shift from one to the other? It always comes to awareness. It’s about noticing what’s going on with you. Noticing your energy patterns, noticing what drains you, and what replenishes you. With awareness, comes the ability to change something that’s not working for you. If you get up every morning and you’re in this survival mode, it’s just, “I just got to get through the day.” Maybe at some point, you pause and you say, “What is it about my life or what is it about this day I’m going to enter into that’s making me feel this way?”

First identify, how am I feeling? I’m feeling angry, sad, or depressed. What is that? Where is that coming from? I love self-inquiry, asking ourselves these questions. Sometimes, it’s difficult for some people to answer those questions themselves, which is why they need a therapist or a coach to help them to uncover those things but it is about self-inquiry. You start to look at yourself and look at your life and say, “What is it about myself, about my life, and about what’s going on or about what just happened that’s causing me to feel this way?”

With that awareness comes the ability to change it because you start to recognize, “I’m not happy in my job. Do I need to change professions? Do I want to move to a new company? Do I want to start my own business? What is it that would energize me?” It’s that self-awareness. Once you’re aware or once you become aware of what’s not functioning well, what’s not bringing you joy or not energizing you about your life experiences at the moment, then what can change? What is something you can do that could change? What I like to say, what’s one small loving step that you can take for yourself to begin the process of change?

Thank you so much for making it easy to understand and approach because often, I know this from personal experience and vast clinical experience. I hear the same story again and again. Somebody says, “I’m not happy in my relationship. I’m not happy at work. I don’t have hobbies that feel good. I don’t have a life that feels good. Whatever that might be. I don’t have friendships that feel supportive.” Looking at all or one of those areas and seeing it as that proverbial onion that we unpeel slowly and steadily.

I love, Linda, that you use the term self-inquiry because when we turn to the self and ask the self in a very non-judgmental kind way. I’m feeling sad. Why am I feeling sad? I’m feeling angry. Why am I feeling angry? I’m not feeling fulfilled at work. What about work is unfulfilling? You just keep asking and you may not have the answers. I know years ago when I was in a very unfulfilling situation. It took a lot of self-inquiry. A lot of paying attention to my body. My body was speaking up first. My neck ached. My headache and my shoulders ached and I realized, “My life is literally a pain in my neck.” It is the way I am choosing to live. There’s, making other people happy is a pain in my neck quite literally.

Was the journey easy? No. Was it challenging? Yes. Was the time scary? Yes. Would I ever go back to that old life? You could not truly. If you can get a billion dollar check and say, “Here’s a check. Go back to that life.” I would say, “No, thank you. Here, take your check.” I’d rip it up in tiny pieces. It was that journey that allowed me and it sounds like you were on a very similar journey. It’s that type of journey where it’s a hard journey, but it is the most rewarding journey of life because you break out of those survival patterns where every day it’s like you’re paddling in shark infested waters and staying above.

How To Turn Survive Energy Into Thrive Energy

It’s very hard and as you said, it’s exhausting. Thank you for highlighting that and what survival energy. If you were constantly exhausted, readers, if you’re in this cycle where you’re calling them a vicious cycle or people pleasing or imposter syndrome or negative inner talk or constantly living with your saboteur or your judge. Those chronic patterns that are indicative of survival mode. Linda, as the expert in this. How can we shift in and out of that survival mode? Which you give us a good sense of what it looks like and feels like.

Other than mindfully paying attention and self-inquiry, what steps might someone do, their loving baby steps day by day that can help them? Readers, Linda and I agree on this one as well. It’s baby steps. We want change overnight. We want life to be better overnight, but it’s not possible and it wouldn’t be quite so rewarding if you didn’t have to work for it. Linda, to you, please.

I like to focus on simple practical things that you can do starting now. One thing might be how you start your morning. When you wake up, if you just started by saying an affirmation, for example. Recognizing that you are good enough and you are enough just as you are, because that was a big one for me. I wasn’t good enough and that’s what many people feel. “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve the best.” Affirm to yourself what you want your outcomes in life to be. Start with, I know I’m good enough. I can accomplish anything I want. Whatever that is for you, start your morning in a positive way.

I like to set an intention in the morning that I’m going to talk about joy. It’s not something that’s out there. In the morning, I set an intention and I want to feel the joy that is inside me. I want to feel the love and that’s what I want my day to be filled with. That’s not a much better way to start the day than just getting out of bed and all the things you have to do. If you get in the habit of doing something like that, setting an intention for how you want your day to be, maybe saying an affirmation or two.

Some people like to do what they call morning pages, where they just journal their thoughts and what they want the outcome for the day to be. That’s a good start. Another way is in the evening, especially if you’re an overthinker. If you tend to be anxious and worried about a lot of things, in the evening before you go to bed, one of the most helpful things is just get it all out of your head and onto paper. Get it all out. People might say, “I’m not very good at journaling.” You don’t have to have a special journal. You can just have an old notebook. This is not something you need to keep and refer back to.

It’s just something to get it out of your head, out of your body and onto paper. Sometimes, when you do that, some clarity comes to you as you’re doing it. The process of writing all that down and getting that out of your body. Those two things are helpful. Taking regular pauses throughout the day to just check in with yourself, just see how you’re feeling. It only takes a few seconds. What am I feeling? You might have started off the day feeling good and now, you pause and you say, “I don’t feel so good anymore.” You can ask yourself, “What happened?” Was it the interaction with that person just then? Was it because somebody gave me this to do and this is not something I want to do or like doing?

You start to become more aware of who you are. The more aware you are of yourself and what it is that you want in your life and you set intentions for being able to know that you can experience what you want in your life. The more you start to see things happen and it starts to shift in a more positive way. These are simple things and because they’re so simple, people offer to dismiss them. They think, “I’m looking for the answer. Once I find the answer, then my whole world’s going to change.” No. It is so those baby steps.

That’s a great starting point. It’s to start setting your intention for what you want your day to be like, what you want your energy to be and noticing what it’s like throughout the day and then doing some journaling at the end of the day. Your life will start to shift just by you doing those things. There’s a lot more you can do, but that’s a great starting point. Pick one of those and start.

That’s so beautiful and very clear steps. Readers, I agree with Linda. It may sound simple, but I often say we can never unlearn something we’ve learned. If we learn just through the power of a morning meditation, something like, “I am wonderful. I am special. I am powerful.” We need to learn to do a love and kindness meditation. My favorite one is the very ancient one. “May I be filled with love and kindness. May I be safe from inner and outer danger. May I be well in body, mind, and spirit. May be truly happy and free.”

When we say things like that to ourselves, we are building internal strength and internal positive beliefs. We are building resilience. I like to think about it this way. If you have a little kiddo and you’re telling the little kiddo, “You can’t ride that bike. It’s too big for you. You’re going to fall. That’s not a good thing. Don’t get on that bike.” The outcome may be very different if you’re telling the child, “You’re strong. You can do this. I’m right here with you. No worries. If you do a little tumble, we’ll get right up and keep on going. You can do this.”

If we know that those two-word tracks are different for a kiddo. Why would they be any different for us in adult life? The power of our speech, that inner critic, that inner voice can send us on a negative trajectory. As you wisely said, Linda, these little steps, these little shifts, neuro linguistically are very powerful and can shift us from that mode, as you call it, the survival energy. It’s getting the basics done and plotting through it to that place of vibrant.

We’re not saying that it’s going to be all roses, but it will be a much better life in time because you’re following your true voice, your core and your needs. A good example is, I was just working with someone who said, “I run every day and it’s something I pride myself on, but I’ve been sick. I’ve not been running and part of me feels badly about that. It’s like I’m letting myself down.”

Stop Being Mean To Yourself

We worked on this and she came to the conclusion that it was wise not to be running when she’s in the midst of this ferocious flu bug because that is what her body needs. It’s simple acts like that where you listen to what your body’s telling you, even if your mind is screaming, “You should.” If you’re tuning in to what your body, mind, and spirit need, you’ll go more often than not in the right direction. Do you agree, Linda?

Most definitely. Speaking of someone, I used to be very hard on myself. An example is I learned to play tennis when I was in my 30s. I love playing tennis and I joined some leagues. I was playing competitively. You see it and I see it with every tennis player just about. I remember one day I was playing a tennis match and I was having some challenges with my knee. I wasn’t sleeping very well at that time. I was playing this match and I was getting frustrated with myself because my timing was off. I wasn’t quite getting to the ball in time. I wasn’t hitting my shots as I know I can.

I was getting so frustrated with myself then there was just like a light bulb moment I suppose where I had the thought, “Can you just acknowledge the fact that you are out here playing tennis at all? Your knee doesn’t feel good. You didn’t sleep well last night. Can you just be kind to yourself and acknowledge what you can do rather than what you’re not able to do?” That was a real turning point for me because I just realized the way I talk to myself and how much better it is to be kind to yourself than it is to be frustrated with yourself.

This is what we do. We get frustrated with ourselves. As you said, you wouldn’t do that to a child. You would be more encouraging with a child or with a loved one. You would be more encouraging and yet to ourselves, we take on this attitude that we were not doing enough. We’ve got to push. Being mean to yourself doesn’t help you. Be kind to yourself. If you’d take away anything from this, I would say that. Be kinder to yourself. Be gentle.

As you’re changing patterns, it doesn’t mean that you can’t gently nudge yourself forward through the anxiety, the fear, the push back of procrastination patterns, or the imposter syndrome that’s telling you you’re not good enough. You can use some gentle kind force. As you look at those old beliefs, those old patterns and say, “I choose now to go beyond this. I choose to take that one loving step beyond this.” By doing that, you can gently nudge yourself forward.

There will be times, Linda, as you’re saying, where you gently nudge yourself back. Where you say, “It’s okay for me not to do this project. I’ve been given five projects. I’ve prioritized them. This one is below its value. I give myself permission not to do that particular thing so that I can give my best to project 1, 2, 3 and 4.” This probably resonates with anyone who has kids or a job or a life at all. Sometimes, you just have to look at what’s on your plate and maybe toss one or two of the things off that you thought were high value.

When you look at it through a lens of love and kindness, you realize, “To avoid a sense of overwhelm or survival mode, if I just nudge these off because they’re not that important. It’s little acts of loving-kindness and self-awareness. Often, our to-do lists, and I could speak to this from personal experience, contain some things that aren’t that important after all.

It’s important to also be aware of your expectations for yourself and for other people. Sometimes, we expect people to think the same way we do and will behave the same way we do. They don’t. The more you have those expectations, the more often you’re going to be disappointed but also become aware of the expectations you have for yourself because most people begin to find as they do that. Their expectations for themselves are often things they would not expect for someone else that they loved or are just so unrealistic.

They don’t have a chance of succeeding. It’s another opportunity to be yourself because you’ve set your expectations for yourself too high. I love what you said about giving yourself permission. Very often, we just don’t realize sometimes that’s all it takes. Giving yourself permission to do something, to not do something and to be kind to yourself. We have that ability. Give yourself permission to do what feels good for you and is right for you.

Getting Out Of The Trap Of Comparison

As a final piece, you led me to this and it’s so important to emphasize. As you may be doing, if you find yourself comparing your output or your life to someone else, your expectations of yourself or based on a, what a co-worker accomplishes or your partner accomplishes or your friend or parent. Let go of that comparison because that is not what is right for you. Plus, you don’t know what’s going on inside that person’s internal world but we all have different skills.

I have sisters. Some of them are phenomenal bakers, cooks, seamstresses, and all of these things and that’s not my thing. I look at them with admiration or for the skills but to compare myself would not be helpful because I have found a skill set. That’s what we want to do if we find ourselves stuck in comparison which could lead to imposter syndrome and self-sabotage. You find yourself comparing what you do or who you are to other people. Let go of that. If you can find a bit of motivation in something, somebody else is doing like, “That sounds good to me.” That’s different. To compare who you are, it just worsens that whole inner critic and low self-worth. What would you think of that, Linda?

I completely agree. When we compare ourselves to other people, that’s one of the biggest ways we sabotage ourselves. Be yourself. Learn who that is, and what works for you and do that. You can learn from other people. You can see something someone else is doing. If that feels right for you to incorporate, fine but we do it so much now. Especially with social media and everything.

I’ve had people say to me “Other people my age are retiring or they’ve got second homes or they’re going on all these vacations.” I say to them, “Is that what you want to do?” They said no, then that’s not an issue. You’re making it something like, “There must be something wrong with me because I’m not in the same position as these people and doing the same things as these people.”

In reality, that’s not you. That’s not your life. When you look at other people and think, “I should be doing what they’re doing or they’re more successful than me or why are they more successful than me when I know more than them?” That sabotages you in a big way. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Let them do what they’re doing. Learn from them, if you want and if it’s valuable for you. Learn who you are and give yourself permission to be that rather than comparing yourself with everyone else.

Determining The Things You Are Tolerating In Your Life

Beautifully said, and I wholeheartedly agree. If we use our energy to learn who we are and let that beautiful vibrant unique being evolved in an empowered, kind, empathic and enlightened way. What better gift could we give to ourselves and ultimately, to the world? Linda, thank you. Any other pieces that you would like to highlight as we wrap up?

The other thing I’d like to say is that when things are not going well in our lives. We often tend to make it about the person or the situation. Instead of focusing out there, turn around and go in and focus on you. Not the situation or the person, like, “That person’s being mean to me. They shouldn’t be like that.” That may be true but what is it triggering you the fact that they did this to you? Look at you, and not the other person or the situation.

Also, to be aware if you truly want to thrive. Take a look at and ask yourself what you’re tolerating in your life because we can tolerate a lot but just because you can tolerate, it doesn’t mean to say it’s the right thing for you. Sometimes, we wait until everything’s falling apart before we will make a change. You don’t have to do that. Start now just with the small steps we’ve talked about.

Get In Touch With Linda

Thank you. I agree. We can tolerate so much but that’s not a way to live. Creating that survival mode is not a way to live. Do those little steps that bring awareness and that awareness brings energy. That energy brings change and with that change, you’ll have a lovely and sometimes bumpy and imperfect but you have a lovely journey ahead. Linda, where can our readers find you?

The best one is on all the social media, but the best way is just to go to my website. It’s very simple. It’s LindaBinns.com. You can find out all about me there. There are links to my social media and everything. Reach out and let’s have a conversation. I always love learning about people and getting to know people. You just have go to my website. That’s the easiest.

Readers, all of Linda’s information will be easy to access. You will find so much information and support on her website at LindaBinns.com. Again, Linda, thank you so much for joining us. It’s been such a delight to share time with you, learn from you and explore this important topic. Thank you.

Thank you so much. My pleasure to be here.

Thank you. To our readers, as always, from my heart to yours, thank you for joining us. It’s always a joy and a privilege to share life’s journey with you. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Linda Binns’ Website
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• Linda Binns on YouTube
• Linda Binns Books
• Joy from Fear
• NAMI HelpLine
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Linda Binns

When I understood the power of energy mastery, everything about my life changed for the better. By learning to understand, release, and align my energy, I went from an insecure people-pleaser to a confident people-empowerer. I built a thriving business, wrote books, and became a speaker—something I never thought possible for someone who once was so insecure and dreaded speaking in front of others.

I know what it feels like to be insecure, exhausted, and unsure of who you really are. For years, I struggled with low confidence, people-pleasing, and the weight of trying to fit into a world that didn’t seem to have space for me. I lost a marriage, my home, and, worst of all, my sense of self.

Energy mastery gave me clarity, freedom, and joy I never imagined I could have. It helped me see that I didn’t need to follow anyone else’s blueprint—I needed to uncover my own. And that’s exactly what I help my clients do.

Because here’s the truth: what works for most people often doesn’t work for those of us who are more sensitive or empathic, who really care about others and want their work to be meaningful and fulfilling. You’ve probably come across this too—programs and coaches that promise results but push you through their process, with little regard for whether it truly works for you.

For the past 26+ years, I’ve helped heart-centered, highly sensitive, empathic professionals create breakthroughs in their lives by finding their own way—not someone else’s.

My mission is to help you come into alignment with your energy, so you experience the clarity, peace, and success that comes from living in tune with who you truly are.

If this resonates with you, let’s talk—not about me, but about you. About your challenges, your hopes, and what’s possible for you when you stop forcing yourself to fit into someone else’s mold.