We often believe that our given family–the ones we are connected to by birth–should be our greatest friends and allies. And it’s normal for us to expect our family members to love us and keep us safe. Yet, in real life, many people discover that negative family dynamics affect them in the most troubling ways. If this resonates, you may have experienced the deep pain of feeling outcast or isolated by the very ones you love with all your heart. So, whether you feel as if you don’t belong in your family, your friend group, work setting, or any other area of your life, you’ll find wisdom, support, and comfort in this uplifting episode.

Join Dr. Carla and mental health expert J.F. Benoist–author of the best-selling book, Addicted to the Monkey Mind, and his newest book, Avive la Vie–An Adventure in Belonging, for a powerful journey into self-discovering, self-growth, and the art of being free. Topics discussed include relationships, family, estrangement, disconnection, anxiety, fear, love, family dynamics, gaslighting, abuse, boundaries, self-care, self-love, self-growth, addiction, suicide, alcoholism, emotional safety, self-connection, correction, criticism, parenting, attunement, secure attachment, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, self-worth, lovability, friendship, friends, connection, community, pets, interconnection, and imperfection.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material including a mention of suicide; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with J.F. Benoist:

Website: https://www.jfbenoist.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jfbenoist/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCr0zvG3DruBIWT_esqixaBg/videos

Books by J.F. Benoist:

Avive la Vie : An Adventure in Belonging

Addicted to the Monkey Mind: Change the Programming That Sabotages Your Life

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Discover the JOY of TRULY BELONGING with Renowned Expert J.F. Benoist

The Keys to Crafting a Deep Sense of Belonging and Authenticity Courageously Connecting and Belonging

We often believe that our given family, the ones we are connected to by birth, should be our greatest friends and allies. It’s normal for us to expect our family members to love us and keep us safe, but in real life, many people discover that negative family dynamics affect them in the most troubling ways. If this resonates with you, you may have experienced the deep pain of feeling outcast or isolated by the very ones you love with all your heart. Whether you feel as if you don’t belong in your family, your friend group, your work setting, or any other area of your life, you’ll find great comfort and wisdom in this very special episode.

We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I’ve been in therapy before, but it didn’t help a lot, but at least I realized that I’m mad because I’m an outcast in my own family. I was the black sheep who got in trouble a lot. I got sick of it and I disconnected from them. Now, I’m isolated because I don’t have real friends. Can you talk about this on your show?” With that question as the focus of this episode, this is the show. Please note. As this episode may contain sensitive information, reader discretion is advised.

I’m joined by a very amazing guest, J. F. Benoist, who will be sharing his experience as a mental health and addiction expert who has also authored the best-selling book, Addicted to the Monkey Mind, and his latest treasure, Avive la Vie: An Adventure in Belonging. Welcome to the show, J. F. It is such a pleasure to have you with us.

It’s wonderful to be here. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for gracing us with your presence. Before we launch into the real meat of this episode, would you tell our readers a little bit about what makes you, you?

I’ve always had an incredible desire for connection. Early on, even as a teenager, I felt like a lot of my close friends who had difficulty in their family, like their parents went and got a divorce or things like that, I’d be the one that they would come to and talk to. I was raised in a very chaotic family, and because of that, I felt like there was a lack of connection. That lit me up to make sure that I was going to live a life of connection. I feel like that’s been my path.

That is beautiful, almost like a mission of connection. A life mission, so to speak.

It can be hard. I remember at the beginning when my close friends in high school would come. I’d be confident when we were one-on-one, but then they would have a tendency to make fun of me when we were in a group setting because they were embarrassed. Early on, I couldn’t figure it out. I was at that age. I was wondering, “Am I doing something wrong? Is this me?” As I grew older, I finally figured it out. It brought a lot of insecurity around this desire for real connection, knowing that for me, it was very real, but then doubting it when these behaviors happen in group settings.

It’s interesting. Sometimes, in my private practice, I have certain themes in the week that seem to come up with clients. One time, it was this theme of connection, feeling like friends were talking about them, even in adults. You would think that in adult groups, we would maybe have learned to refrain from that behavior, but pushing away people who want to be included.

It is difficult enough in elementary school, grade school, and high school where there are cliques. It can be so horrible to have that sense that you’re not included, that you’re trying to belong somewhere, and you can’t quite get there. There used to be this book. It’s still out there. I bought a copy. It’s called Are You My Mother? I don’t know if you remember that one.

I do.

It’s interesting because even though it’s a children’s book, it still resonates with me as an adult. I grew up in a very big family with ten kids. Our parents didn’t have enough energy for all of us, and I was way at the tail end of it. That sense of not belonging started very early in my life. When we look at this individual, their sense of not belonging comes from acting out, maybe being targeted, or maybe acting out because he or she was targeted. We don’t know. It’s interesting. This sense of belonging is so important to us because it’s that primitive need. It’s that very primal need to feel safe, protected, and loved. Many people feel bad that they have that need, like, “I should be tougher than that and stronger than that.” What are your thoughts on that?

The Impact Of Childhood Dynamics On Adult Belonging Patterns

That’s the greatest illusion that we buy into in our society. For me, I’ve been on this path to dispel this myth. In my book, Avive la Vie, we follow a main character who is raising what we call in therapy insecure attachment. What that means is that his mother prioritizes connection over any correction of his behaviors. She always makes sure that the connection is there.

Over the years, when I ask people, “Let’s say you come home and you had bad grades. Do you ever recall the parents asking you, “Are you okay? How are you feeling?” Usually, what people report is that no matter what has happened, the parents go directly to attempt to correct the behavior. We are raised in such a way that our parents are thinking that they’re doing good by doing that, that they’re going to raise a good person.

What they don’t realize is that most of us already have a conscience by the time we’re 3 to 5 years old. We already know how the correction is in terms of survival and how to behave properly. There’s still some modification that needs to happen, but what we’re forming is our confidence as far as being lovable and being valuable.

Since there are so many corrections, we start attaching our values and our sense of love based on meeting those corrections that we’re getting along the way. Everything from, “You’re not going to wear that to school,” suddenly, I start attaching my sense of worth to what I wear, what I don’t wear, or how I present myself. It’s endless. If we looked at the way we were raised, we’d be stunned by how many corrections there were every day. What took a backseat is the connection every time.

We learn in our lives, and this is the path of this beautiful journey that I share in Avive la Vie, that we can change this dynamic to learn to prioritize connection first. There are two main ways in which I talk about connection. One is the connection to ourselves, which is a connection that’s related to how we are with our emotional body. Are we in tune with our emotions? Do we know how we feel from moment to moment? Are we comfortable with those feelings, or are we reacting to them? If we’re reacting, we’re not connecting.

Learning to deeply connect with how we feel and honor that as an experience is a form of attunement that changes everything. Once we learn to create that level of connection with ourselves, we can do the same with other people. We can become more vulnerable and open with others, and then we establish a depth of connection that is so fulfilling. It’s what we crave most. It’s as important as food and water.

Thank you for that detailed and beautiful foundation. There are many components of it that I want to explore to give our readers a deeper and richer understanding. You have such a beautiful flow and way of explaining it, yet there’s so much underneath it for us to process. Before I get into my slew of questions, I do have to say I’ve had the privilege of reading Avive la Vie, and it is such a beautiful book. It is one that adults and teenagers can surely read. It has a story form that makes it one that you could read to younger kids, and they would be processing it at their own level.

It’s also great to emphasize it as a great parent-child book, a great self book, and also a great book for relationships for partners to read with each other or to each other. When we read stories of this nature, they help us go deep on a very real level, but one that is touching the soul and the psyche gently. It’s not a sledgehammer approach. I would like to speak for myself. I love stories.

To anyone who’s watching on YouTube, you can see the beautiful book cover behind J of Avive la Vie, and on the other side is a little posting that says ‘Free your spirit and dance with life’. That seems to be a beautiful piece to bring into this episode, this energy of freeing our spirits and dancing with life. That is the sense that I get from your book and your way of working. It isn’t about making scary progress, or making yourself bad, your parents bad, or your family bad. It is about freeing the self from the chains of the past and creating new healthy dynamics that set your spirit free.

It’s so incredible how most of us have been so ingrained in our conditioning that it’s hard to separate ourselves from who we are if we are not subscribing to the narrative that runs its course on a daily basis. Part of what I discovered is that, even in therapy, we’re often focused so much on pathology or on the habit of, “I got to help you with this problem. I get that you’re struggling with this. I see your trauma. I see all this.” It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In research, it is shown that they were studying what makes the most difference for people in therapy. What they found is that 70% was based on the connection. It was not the method and not what the therapist was trying to accomplish, but truly the connection. What does that tell us if we listen to that? At the nervous system level, we’re busy questioning our sense of self-worth and our sense of lovability. No matter what situation we’re faced with, when we are triggered and when we have big emotions rise up, that’s underneath what’s happening.

When we have somebody who takes the time to connect, not fix the problem, not change ourselves, and not think that we have to be any different than we are, but meets us right there where we are, it’s like a miracle. I observe it every time. The nervous system at that moment experiences soothing. I see and believe that what we need most is to reestablish a connection to the nervous system to understand that we don’t need to be any different than we are. We need to connect with the pain that we live through every day and, at the same time, understand that we are not that pain.

We all receive some form of trauma. Trauma shows up in the present moment because we’re triggered by a situation. What all traumas have in common is this sense that we’re not quite okay the way we are. If we can reestablish that, it begins to solve the majority of our problems because then we can take care of the difficult situation when we have this sense of confidence about who we are.

False Belonging Habits And Their Impact On Connection

You are saying so many lovely things. I, too, am a firm believer that it’s important to have training behind you so that when you’re practicing as a clinician, you know what you are doing. As Carl Rogers said way back when, it was empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard for the client that made that big difference. Being focused, giving that individual your full presence.

Let’s take it back to the secure attachment versus insecure attachment. In secure attachment, those parents were, more often than not, present, not perfect. This is never about being perfect, but more often than not, present and attuned. How was your day? How are you feeling? How are you? The insecure attachment tends to have a much higher prevalence of the critical nature, not seeing or being too busy with other life tasks to see that other person eye to eye as you and I are seeing each other.

If I were looking away and reading a book while I’m trying to do an interview, you wouldn’t feel very seen. If I’m trying to talk to you and you’re looking at your phone, I’m not going to feel seen or engaged. If we imagine that that happens, we can’t expect our loved ones, partners, and friends to be making eye contact with us all the time and tuning into us all the time. When we are present, being present,  present with love. The other piece that you were saying that I think is so important is also being present first and foremost with yourself. Many people run from themselves.

There’s a deep fear of vulnerability. There are so many beliefs that get in the way of thinking that having emotion or feeling a sense of inadequacy is some kind of weakness. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I don’t think I’ve ever met a human being who, from time to time, doesn’t feel inadequate and doesn’t feel insecure on some level.

There’s something precious when we’re able to recognize that it’s okay, and it’s more than okay. I believe the doorway to our greatness exists in our wounding. When we access the wound, meaning not trying to change it, not trying to fix it, and not trying to make ourselves better, but noticing that this is a wound that was adopted along the way.

I’ll give you an example. In the book, I talk about the six false belonging habits. Those habits, I was able to recognize them because I ran an addiction treatment center for twelve years. I kept observing. As I worked with my therapist, I kept saying, “Are you aware this pattern keeps showing up?” Eventually, I was able to see these are patterns that exist in the fabric of our society and we inherit them.

There’s the performance habit. There’s the self-neglect habit. There’s the habit of pushing love away. There’s the habit of using anxiety as a way to be a responsible human being. There’s self-doubt, which is a form of wanting to belong. It’s like, “If I doubt myself but I listen to you more than myself, then somehow, if I get it right, then I’ll belong.” There’s this habit of rejecting our feelings.

What all these habits have in common is that they’re seeking a sense of belonging. We want to belong. I call them false belonging habits because they are based on a behavior. They’re not based on being ourselves. When we keep doing these behaviors, we get temporary relief. It vanishes, and then we’re back on the wheel again, trying to get to the next one. Let me give you a personal example that can illustrate that.

One of my main false belonging habits is using anxiety as a way to belong. A lot of people don’t understand this because it sounds strange. Anxiety is often about anticipating bad things to happen. It’s being scared of possibilities that might happen. I was raised with a mother who was very overwhelmed raising three kids on her own. One kid was sick all the time. My older sister had epilepsy. She was in the hospital, got a divorce, and was married to an alcoholic husband. It was messy.

My mother would blow a gasket on a regular basis. She would come at me and have an outburst. What does my nervous system learn? It learns, “I need to anticipate a blow. In order to belong, I need to anticipate something bad to happen, and then I need to manage it. If I’m successful in managing this blow, then I can belong.” That was my environment.

Later on in life, those false belonging habits are so ingrained that we don’t realize they live in our own heads. I could be receiving an email and my brain will go, “Something’s about to happen.” I’m trying to read what could be happening that’s bad in the email. It’s my attempt to belong because if I anticipate that bad thing, then I’ll get a sense that I’m okay and that the other person’s going to be okay. In reality, what does it do? It perpetuates a state of anxiety where there’s never a sense of relief. It’s exhausting and crippling to live that way.

You said earlier that my goal in writing the book was to make it so relatable. Each of these false belonging habits is explicitly shown through characters. I’ve gotten so many incredible reviews already from people who are saying, “This is me. I see myself in this. This is what I do.” It’s a relief to begin to understand, “Maybe I don’t need to be different. Meaning, there’s nothing wrong with me except that I’ve learned this habit. If I learn to pause the habit long enough to be me, then everything comes back to being okay. Now, I have a real basis for belonging, which is being me with all my flaws.”

I appreciate you sharing that personal example because it is one that comes up often in my work and with anyone who grew up with an alcoholic parent or any addiction in the family. Often, it’s a dad. Sometimes, it’s the mom. Sometimes, it’s both. They were walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though the parents may not even be in the picture, maybe they passed away, in their intimate relationships, they are waiting. Even if the other person’s not a threat, they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That false belief then becomes a dynamic where they’re trying to make it a dynamic interpersonal relationship. I agree with you that if they can recognize that this is a false way to belong to have something to cling to, some sense of belonging, if they’re able to free themselves to be and realize they’re engaging in this habit, in this case, one that is destructive physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s not a healthy habit for any part of our well-being.

It’s so important the way that your book illustrates it. We can all find pieces of ourselves in these elements that you speak about and in the characters. We are all human, and we are all imperfect. When we are able to accept that and say, “I’m imperfect, and that doesn’t mean I can’t love or be lovable,” it simply means making peace and freeing the spirit from all of these handcuffs that we took on early in life. We’ve become so handcuffed consciously sometimes, but largely unconsciously. Your work helps the unconscious come alive. That’s what I believe is the power of stories. Stories can help the unconscious do work behind the scenes and find freedom.

The Power Of Vulnerability In Relationships

That’s so true. The other thing I think is important to understand is that most people have this sense that they need to do this on their own. We go to therapy or even in our relationship and think, “You go work on your stuff.” There is a certain amount of truth in it. We do have to be willing to do our own work and look at ourselves. The piece that I know that makes the difference is that once we have more awareness about ourselves, we need to do this process with other people. Let me give you an example.

I know this false belonging habit of anxiety so well. In the book, there is a character, Rowan, who is a child who’s raised in secure attachment. He creates a connection with all these people, and they all heal because he’s himself. He’s dealing with a character who’s overwhelmed with anxiety, whose name is Tate. Tate thinks his marriage is going south. He calls his stress his mistress. Rowan says, “Your mistress is costing you a lot.” Tate goes, “What are you talking about?

My life is so different because I expose this side of me to my wife consistently. I even have a little saying that I use with her. I’ll say, “Can I tell on myself?” She knows exactly what it means. What it means is, “Now I’m about to tell you these crazy, anxious thoughts that are running through my mind and these scenarios that I’m making out about some disastrous possibility about Joe, Susie, or whatever.” I breathe into them and say, “This is going far, isn’t it?” We can both laugh at it. Sometimes, I get reassurance and I’ll say, “Is that even possible?” She goes, “No, I don’t think so.”

Thank you for sharing that because I am 100% in agreement with you. Individual therapy, family therapy, and couples therapy are all important and all so helpful. The must is that we take it in and practice it in the world. I’ll use this example. It’s like taking on learning gymnastics. I go to gymnastics class once a week and I try to walk on that balance beam, and then I’m done. I don’t try it anywhere else. I’m not going to make much progress.

If I take an exercise and practice walking on things that look like balance beams, or I may get a balance beam and walk on one at home, walk on curbs, and maybe try standing on one leg, I’ll feel vulnerable. It will feel scary. In my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, that’s the piece I tell people. When you take this work and take it into your intimate relationships, where are you most vulnerable with your partner or your best friend? That’s where our rawness is.

When we’re able to do that work on a person-to-person basis outside the therapy room or outside of reading the book and take it and practice it with someone that we can trust, someone who, more often than not, will attune to us and look at us as your wife is doing and as I try to do in my relationships, to listen, be there, reflect back, and maybe offer a guiding light, if nothing else, light and warmth, that is where the vulnerabilities that we all have are able to come out. We realize we are not our mistakes. We are not our anxieties. We are not our past. We don’t have to be stuck in those old anxieties, fears, and stressors. That’s the beauty of learning.

As you do when you say to your wife, “Can I share this with you?” I will do that with my husband. I will say, “Honey, this is what’s going on for me. This is what I’m afraid of.” From the way I grew up, that’s very different behavior from the way I was for many years. I had to learn that behavior. I also had to learn who I could use it with. We can’t share that way with everybody. Some people will turn and hurt us with it, but people who love us and care for us will take our little weaknesses and owies and they will hold them.

There’s something that a lot of people confuse themselves around. When we are truly vulnerable, there isn’t any defensiveness in that experience. If there’s any sense that we’re pushing back, then we have to realize that’s not vulnerability. Vulnerability is when I own something about myself, whether it be a feeling or an experience. I don’t use blame language. I use facts. I can say to my wife sometimes, “You’ve asked me to do three things. I’m scared because I’m running this story that somehow I’m not enough.” That’s vulnerability. That’s exposing something about me.

What I notice is it’s difficult for another person to get mean when we are truly vulnerable unless they’re a complete narcissist, which can happen. It’s not what we think. Vulnerability creates a connection every time. We have to have discernment. Oftentimes, if you’re in a work situation, you have to read the room. It might not be the appropriate time or moment to have a moment of vulnerability. Yet, it’s essential to well-being. It’s what creates true fulfillment in life. It is when we’re able to expose our underbelly to each other, see each other, and recognize, “Isn’t that interesting?” We’re all wounded. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s nothing to run away from.

It’s the fact of being a human. It is one thing that every single one of us has in common. We are not perfect, and it’s beautiful. It’s so freeing. I do want to pivot to the question of this episode. Thank you for this gorgeous foundation that is so relatable and is very connective in nature. Before we go back to the reader’s question, I do have to say thank you for calling out that there are some people who either have narcissistic personality disorder or are on that far end of the spectrum, wherever there is a lack of empathy, which is a hallmark of NPD.

If you are being vulnerable, they might dive in and get you all the more. They might try to use those vulnerabilities if you’re crying. They might try to do more damage. That’s not the kind of person we’re talking about. We’re talking about somebody who has generally good mental health and generally good emotional intelligence.

With that disclaimer said, let’s move into our dear reader who is feeling, and you know, I know this person isn’t alone. There are so many people out there who feel like they don’t belong in their family, in their friend settings, and in all of these different areas of life. What are some pieces that we can share to help shed some light on possible steps?

The most important thing is to realize that it takes one person. My recommendation would be that if you take a good look at your life and take a look at even perhaps the people that you can meet in different settings, make it a point to find one person that you can be yourself with. When we experience that level of rejection or when we feel that far gone, it’s crucial for the nervous system to have an experience.

That’s another thing that’s been well-established in research. When people have suicidal tendencies, if there is one person who shows up for them, more than 85% of them will not follow through. All it takes is one person who is present and who can hear you and accept you the way you are. I know for sure that we can all make an effort to find this even in the hardest situation. Make it a point to create one good connection. The other thing that I would recommend is that an animal would do that, too.

I was going to ask your thoughts on that. I have a giant schnauzer. My neighbors have pets. People who have a horse or can touch a horse, pet a goat, adopt a neighbor’s cat for an afternoon, or take animals for a walk if you can’t have your own pet, volunteer at the Humane Society, anything like that. The other piece is if you’re walking a dog, I get more people trying to connect with me than I want because of my dog. For someone who’s looking for one connection, going for a walk, borrowing a neighbor’s dog, if you can’t have one of your own are little steps, but they’re so important.

The Importance Of Setting Boundaries For Self-Worth

The other aspect is to know that it’s extremely healthy to have your boundaries. I have many clients who, every time they’re with their parents, keep re-experiencing their sense of rejection because the parents tend to be critical and focused again on so much correction, even if the person’s an adult. It’s important to have strong boundaries.

It’s important to say to yourself, “Wait a second. I’m learning my own self-worth. In the process of learning my own self-worth, I don’t need to hang out with people who are going to criticize me. That’s not going to help me lift myself up and find a way to truly be okay with myself.” Don’t be afraid to set clear boundaries.

It’s essential. I agree with you. Especially when we’re doing healing work, sometimes distance to get a nice strong foundation. Maybe there can be an attempt to go back. Readers, I’m not talking here about anyone who is abusive. If somebody is being verbally, physically, financially, sexually, or spiritually abusive to you, a hard, strong boundary until there is real change on the other side is appropriate. For others who are doing their work, on a journey, or trying to be better, you can slowly create, if it feels right to you, points of contact to see if a connection might work again. I agree with you.

It doesn’t mean that you eliminate them from your life permanently unless they’re extremely abusive. Finding our sense of confidence is something that requires a lot of discipline initially when you’ve had a lot of rejection in your life. I’m going to tell on my age here, but do you remember the movie Rudy? Have you ever seen that movie?

No.

It’s a true story. It’s inspiring. When my son was a teenager, we went to see him speak at a college. The story was that he was short and chubby, and he wanted to play for the Notre Dame football team. His brother would beat him up and tell him that he wasn’t good enough, that he was too short, and that he’d never make it. It’s a beautiful story. He ends up playing for the team. His experience was that he had to cut off all of these relationships where he was put down. He found a connection through this pastor who helped him graduate from college.

When he was speaking at the university, he was looking at college students and saying, “Do you ever have an idea about something and you’re excited, and then your friend puts it down and tells you that it’s stupid? I have news for you. That person is not your friend.” I thought, “Wow.” It’s so simplistic, and yet there’s an aspect of it that’s so true. It doesn’t mean that all our friends who criticize our ideas mean that they’re not good friends, but at the core, when we truly have support, something happens within our nervous system where we align.

When we were kids, would any of us laugh at a kid who was playing restaurant and was presenting a plate of plastic to you, but for them, it’s a plate of spaghetti? No. We all go along with it. We all go, “Of course,” because there’s an innocence in there. There is this magic place that exists in all of us that’s still there about the ideas we have, the things we want to do in life, the things that inspire us, and the things we want to do. When you’ve been down, you have to protect that. Find that one person. Lift your spirit up and then learn to build it from there.

As you were talking, I was thinking about the reader. They are feeling outcast from their family. They are feeling as though they were always the black sheep. My sense would be, and I don’t know any more than you know about the person, that it may be likely that they’re afraid to open their heart to friendships because their experience of love equals criticism, being cast out, or not belonging. Why would you want to love people if that’s what you learn that “love” does?

I’m a believer that the way we figure out who our friends are and a loved one is by action. Not that we want anyone to have to be perfect because we are imperfect and we will do imperfect things, but are they overarchingly supportive? Are they overarchingly attentive? If they have something to say to you that might benefit you, do they bring it to you in a constructive way, or are they doing it in a hypercritical way?

Are they trustworthy? Do they keep your confidence? These are what I call the pillars of friendship. We want friendships in our romantic partnerships, too. A key among those is things like integrity and respect. In our world, we’ve used the word friend to cover anything. Some people have 3,000 friends or 20,000 friends on Facebook or wherever.

I look at Dunbar’s numbers, and Dunbar’s research is extraordinary. He talks about how we can, at most, have five intimate connections at a time. If we have a romantic partner, it takes up 1.5 of those spaces. Depending upon whether you’re an introvert, an extrovert, or where you are in your journey, it takes one intimate connection or one person that you feel safe with, where you can say something and feel that they are interested and that you can trust them. You don’t have to be vulnerable with them right away. You can take baby steps to see if the person earns your trust. Trust is earned.

We have to see love as an action verb. That’s where a lot of the confusion comes from. If a parent’s hitting a child and saying, “I love you,” but they’re hitting them and ramming their head into the sidewalk or whatever, which I’ve seen horrible things like that, we can see, “That parent’s definition of love isn’t quite what I want to have in my life and what I want to carry forward for me and for people in my world.” That is part of the work that we can all do to create our definition of what love looks like, and then match with people who have that same belief. How does that sound?

It’s beautiful. It’s self-honoring. It’s self-love. It’s compassion towards the self. It’s so important. We can all make mistakes, but our mistakes are not the way we define who we are. When we’ve been around people who overfocus on our mistakes, we end up attaching our sense of self to those behaviors. My wife has extremely high standards, which is a wonderful thing, but sometimes, I end up taking them personally because I think that I’m not enough.

If I wash a window and then she says, “Did you wash that window?” and I say, “Yeah,” she’ll come around and show me in different lights how I didn’t. Is it possible that my sense of work can be attached to how I clean the window? That’s how the brain has been conditioned. It’s insane. We have to step away sometimes from the constant bombardment of the same conditioning that we receive in order to find the truth that we can never be a behavior. Clients tell me over and over again that they feel so relieved when they hear that. It’s like, “You’re not a behavior. It’s not a possibility.”

I love your example because it’s so easy to make the dirty window your fault, your problem, or your insufficiency instead of seeing it as, “My wife wants clean windows. Let’s go back and clean them again.” It’s not a reflection of you, but her desire to have a sparkling window. It gives us so much more ease and grace.

Back to our reader with that question, I love your advice to take baby steps to build a connection with a pet, a neighbor, or someone at work. Go out for a coffee lunch with someone or a coffee meeting. Go for a walk with someone and see if you can build your trust in yourself. Feel your feelings. Feel your anxiety. Feel whatever’s coming up and see if the other person is indeed safe that you can maybe release some of that anxiety.

I know for me, my greatest movement forward in life is when I’ve been vulnerable enough to feel my anxieties and my fears and move through to the other side. It’s painful. Sometimes, it’s dark. The rewards of knowing you are able to do that are incredible. I’m a very different kind of being now than I was decades ago. Why? Not by chance, but because of effort. It’s a perfect example and a very deeply loving example of how this journey can be done in a stepwise, non-gaming, and non-judgmental fashion. You are such a talent.

Thank you.

Thank you for the gifts that you bring. Are there any other pieces you would like to offer, whether to the question of the day or any other piece?

Embracing Fear As A Catalyst For Growth

Avive la vie means to live life to the fullest. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there is a fear that exists in the belly for most of us, and the fear is more related to our greatness than it is to our inadequacy. For the reader, my hope, and this is what has changed my life, is that we can live in such a way, when I say live life to the fullest, where we can feel that there are certain things that we are called to do in life.

In the belly, there’ll be fear that settles, but it’s not the same as the anxiety that runs through the conditioned mind. I’m talking about a fear of, “Could I possibly do that?” When we’re talking about that one person, it might be that you walk into the coffee shop and there’s one person sitting there by themselves and you get a nudge, like, “Could I go talk to this person?” Don’t let your narrative take over.  It’s an action. Take action.

There’s an essence in us that’s calling us to be the greatest version of ourselves. It’s always there. One of the reasons that it’s difficult for most people to tap into that is because we’re not attuned to the emotional body. We haven’t developed emotional intelligence. Once we do, we’re able to separate anxiety and condition with true emotions that are helpful to help us live a healthier and more adventurous life. That’s my hope for everybody. Avive la vie means life to the fullest, so avive la vie.

That’s beautiful. In that description you gave, you described the essence of my first book, Joy From Fear, about moving through our fears, especially our unrealistic ones, to discover the joy on the other side. I closed my eyes for a minute as you were talking. I could see our reader going into the coffee shop, feeling that thing come up in the gut, and going and talking anyway. They’re making a connection, whatever it might turn out to be.

The reason I was shutting my eyes is that it reminded me of what I’ve learned to do when I first started doing speaking engagements. I had that fear like, “What’s going to happen?” I learned to channel. It was like, “I’m here. I have a gift to offer. I want to share my gift, my speech with people, and my talk with people. I’m going to channel all that energy into love. I’ll take that fear, transform it to love, and let that gift come out. It has changed my way of speaking.

Sometimes, our fear lies to us. It is making us think that the other person is the enemy. Our feelings are sometimes lying to us big-time based on old life experiences. Put that running narrative to the side from the past. You’ve got to put it over here, go with this gift of love, and see what happens. Most people want love. This was so yummy. You are such a delight. Where can our readers find you?

The main channel that I’d like to invite people to come and join is on YouTube. I have a talk show called Avive la Vie. It’s @AviveLaVie. What I do is I usually take one person at a time and help them see how we can attune to our emotional body, and how we can develop emotional intelligence. If anybody wants to learn how to do that, they can come on my show. I also have the website, AviveLaVie.com. The book is available on all platforms as well as the audiobook. Go on Amazon and type in Avive la Vie. You’ll find the book there.

It’s a beautiful book. Thank you again. It has been such a joy and a pleasure. Thank you for being with us.

It was wonderful spending this time with you.

Thank you. To our readers, thank you for sharing your time, energy, and presence with us.

Important Links

• Avive la Vie
• @AviveLaVie on YouTube
• Jean-Francois Benoist
• J.F. Benoist on LinkedIn
• Addicted to the Monkey Mind
• Avive la Vie: An Adventure in Belonging
• Dr. Carla Manly, Imperfect Love on YouTube
• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• Joy From Fear
• Are You My Mother?
• NAMI HelpLine
• Carla Marie Manly, PhD
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly on TikTok

About J.F. Benoist

JF Benoist, bestselling author of “Addicted to the Monkey Mind” and “Avive la Vie: An Adventure in Belonging,” is a pioneer in mental health and emotional well-being. With decades of experience and his innovative, trademarked Experiential Engagement Therapy (EET), JF transforms how we understand connection and self-worth. JF delivers fresh, actionable insights into overcoming anxiety, breaking free from self-sabotaging habits, and fostering genuine connection. His relatable stories and practical tools inspire audiences to embrace their true selves and create a life of belonging.