Feeling Excluded? How to Shine as Your Authentic Self!

Tired of shrinking to fit in? Feeling like a square peg in a round hole? These common issues can make us feel as if we’ll never truly belong. We crave inclusion for many reasons. On an evolutionary level, instinct drives us to be part of a pack because we’re more likely to survive. And belonging to a group of like-minded people can foster self-esteem while also reducing loneliness and anxiety. Yet, in real life, many people–from childhood forward–struggle with finding or fitting into a group that offers a reassuring sense of inclusion. And this can foster feelings of being unwanted, unworthy, and unloved. So today, we’re joined by a highly skilled guest, Dr. JJ Kelly, who has a knack for helping others embrace their lovable inner misfit, grow strong, and shine.

Topics discussed include emotional intelligence, emotions, feelings, DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, self-love, self-like, inclusion, bullying, outsider, misfit, neurolinguistics, genuine self, authenticity, internal validation, external validation, parenting contracts, consequences, projection, values, pride, self-growth, personal evolution, parenting, children, emotional bullying, unresolved trauma, and transformation.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

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Feeling Excluded? How to Shine as Your Authentic Self!

The Struggle To Fit In

Have you ever felt like a square peg in a round hole, not quite fitting into life? This common issue makes us feel as if we never will truly belong. We crave inclusion for many reasons. On an evolutionary level, instinct drives us to be part of a pack because we’re more likely to be safe and survive. Belonging to a group of like-minded people can foster self-esteem while also reducing stress and anxiety.

Yet in real life, many people from childhood forward struggle with finding or fitting into a group that offers a reassuring sense of inclusion. This can foster feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In this episode, we are joined by a highly skilled guest who has a knack for helping others grow strong, embrace their lovable inner misfit, and shine.

In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “My eleven-year-old son is very different from his peers. He’s a good kid who is gifted and kind, but he doesn’t fit in with any particular group at school. There’s no bullying, but he’s excluded. He’s not invited to birthdays. I feel like he’s left out and unwanted, and he feels that way too. I can’t make other kids see the wonderful, gifted kid I see. It’s painful because I know what it’s like to be an outsider. I’d appreciate any tips you can offer that will help me help him.” With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly, and this is Imperfect Love.

We are joined by a delightful special guest, Dr. JJ Kelly. Dr. Kelly is a Clinical Psychologist, Author, and the CEO and Founder of UnorthoDocs, Inc. Dr. Kelly focuses on the healing power of peer-coaching, mentorship, group process, and community outreach. Welcome to the show, Dr. Kelly. It is such a delight to have you with us.

Thank you. I’m happy to be here.

Before we launch into this wonderful topic, it’s a painful topic and sadly one that’s all too common. Can you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

The acceptance of both light and dark within. We teach and we live at UnorthoDocs, Inc. We do the real thing. We don’t try to hide all the weirdness, so we just let that weirdness go out into the world. It takes some training to build the self-confidence and self-esteem that allows you to be rejected when you’re an authentic presenting person.

I have a question on that front. Is this something that resonates with you on a personal level, where maybe in childhood you didn’t feel like you were included or belong to a particular group? Were you always capable of just being who you are?

It’s a funny thing because dialectics involve light, dark, right, and wrong, and where they overlap. It’s like that gray area. Funnily enough, I was in many extracurriculars and floated between groups, but I always felt a sense of not belonging to any one group and having people not get me. I went to Catholic school K-12. That already tells you. I’m going to feel like an outsider there. Nothing like Catholic school to either make you embrace your weirdness or just become like everyone else. It always seemed to me like everyone else was more like each other than any of them were like me.

Thank you for sharing. It’s interesting because we do have some similarities, including Catholic school. It’s not that it’s bad or good, but it can have a certain influence. It’s interesting that you’re using the word weird because it tells us the power of words. Many of us, me certainly, get triggered by certain words because they were used in childhood or adulthood as ways to hurt us.

I remember a particular sibling much older than me, who delighted in calling me weird all the time. I grew up thinking weird was bad. I grew up thinking that being part of being myself was bad. Whatever I was or did that was weird. I still continue to work with that idea that weird can mean unique. Weird can mean wonderful.

Weird can mean vibrant and original and all of these things. When we lean into whatever we want to call it, and I completely understand that we all have our word triggers. I remember I have talked about this before where I was volunteering at an event. I said to a young man, “That’s goofy.” And he got very upset with me. He said, “Don’t you ever call me goofy.” I thought, “ I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any offense.”

For me, goofy is a very fun, uplifting word. It’s fun to play with. I remember Goofy from the Disney characters. I learned there that somewhere in this person’s life goofy became a trigger. It was somehow attached to being unwanted, rejected, unlovable, defective, whatever it might be. I appreciate that we’re just pausing on this. For any readers, if some of these terms are triggering for you, or even the word misfit, like, “Why are you calling people who are different misfits?”

It’s not meant in a judgmental sense, but in a sense that there are often times in life where we don’t feel. I have been there, in a group where I don’t fit in. Therefore, I’m not a good fit for that group. It’s not a good fit for me, definitely, so I become a misfit. There was a time where that would have been a triggering thing to say, “I don’t want to be a misfit.”

Now, it’s like, they’re not my soul people. They’re not my group. It’s okay. Back to you, Dr. JJ. What is your take on this? I know you work a lot with DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Could you talk to our readers and explain what DBT is? Why is it so powerful? How is neurolinguistics part of that approach?

Understanding DBT And Emotions

The power of words. Dialectics is represented by the Venn diagram. The one with two circles, not five, or whatever people have done with the Venn diagram. We try to find that middle path, that middle ground. We don’t work in binaries of good, bad, right, wrong, worthwhile, or worthless. That’s why DBT is so rad because you learn emotional intelligence skills so that when you are emotionally activated, you still have an ability to manage your emotions so that you behave according to your values.

They might not match mine. That’s why right and wrong are relative things. It’s more complex than just putting your idea of right or wrong on someone else. Things are on a spectrum. It will still work, meaning you will still learn the skills well, even if our values don’t match. It’s all based on your sense of what’s important and morality. I teach you the skills so that you can behave according to your values, even when you’re overwhelmed, furious, or terrified by any of those intense emotions. You aren’t going to behave in a reactive way that causes shame later. You can behave in a way that makes you feel proud and happy.

I love how you’re explaining this. Thank you for that synopsis, because I imagine it’s something that we can all relate to on one level. Especially if we are on a self-growth trajectory where we pay attention to our hiccups, reflect on them, and try to do better. Years ago, when I was quite young, I still think of it because it was a good hallmark. I behaved in a way when somebody snapped at me in public, and I was embarrassed, so I snapped back.

That’s not my nature. It’s not who I want to be. I talked to one of my dear friends about it, and she was older than me and able to give me sage advice. She said, “Stop beating yourself up? How would you have wanted to act?” I thought, “Oh,” and thinking back, I realized if I had the composure, I would have perhaps looked at her and just let it pass, or said, “That sounds very unkind. I’m not going to engage, whatever it might be.”

From that point, which was decades ago, I realized, “That response would have been aligned with who I want to be.” As you’re talking, we can see and we can short-circuit however we might be hardwired. We can short-circuit that instinctive response to either wilt away or become overly ferocious, neither of which might be in accord with our values. I also love how you said that it helps you look later and say, “I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud of how I behaved, how I responded.” Rather than looking back and being shame-filled.

Acceptance of light and dark within is what allows you to be an authentic person. Share on X

That shame cycle, once we get in there tends to devolve a bit. Thank you for leaning into that. I appreciate it. Now, we have an understanding of how you work with DBT. We can now look at this reader’s question, taking it in. There are so many layers to this question. I so appreciate how the mom offered us her perspective, as well as her sensitivities around it. I get how it feels to be excluded. I thought that it was pretty wonderful that she had the insight to say, “This is triggering me too. I’m sad for my son.” It sounds like there’s some part of her that also sees herself.

For sure. Those questions don’t always evoke emotion in me when I hear them read. This one, my heart just goes out to this poor kid and his mom. There’s a real tenderness to the whole thing. It’s difficult. Eleven, too. It’s not like seventeen. Poor baby. You want to scoop them up and follow them around at school. She did specify that there wasn’t bullying, which I’m relieved.

I wonder if the kid is picking up. She said as much, that she thinks he is feeling sad about it too and thinking he’s being rejected. I don’t know if that’s her perspective or whether that’s what he thinks, but he probably does if he’s being excluded at school and he’s probably picking up from mom what’s going on, too. Is he walking around at school trying hard? God loves him. Sometimes it repels kids.

If he’s trying too hard and trying to endear himself and play chameleon with the other kids in an attempt to be accepted by the group. The kids might unconsciously be picking up on the trying too hard or the inauthenticity of that performance. Even if it’s an honest and well-intended attempt to fit in, it often backfires. Did you want to comment on that?

I agree with you wholeheartedly that it is a natural desire to fit in. We know on some level, we are safer from the wolves if we’re a part of the pack of sheep. Yet, sometimes, as much as we try to fit into that herd of sheep, by trying so hard, especially if we’re a donkey instead of a sheep. We’re not going to fit in very well, but we’re trying and we’re investing our energy.

It made me think as you were talking of Shakespeare, “To thine own self be true.” That’s hard at eleven. It’s hard at 25 or 40. It’s hard no matter the age. Sometimes if you haven’t learned the skills that help you see yourself, love yourself, own yourself, then you’re trying. You don’t know how to be true to yourself.

Finding Your Own Tribe

That’s true. The natural response is to try to be like others then down you go. As far as solutions, if I’m not going too quickly to that. This kid obviously needs to build some self-esteem and self-confidence, and that’s easier said than done. However, I do think there are concrete ways to help him out, and it doesn’t have to be at school. I certainly think there are extracurriculars that don’t have to be group sports, too. Not everybody’s into sports. I was into other things too, but sports can be harsh.

There might be chess. Drama kids usually have been identified as misfits, and they love it. They fly that flag like we do. They’re kind and they’re emotional. Everybody’s nervous about getting on stage with acting. There’s a certain amount of empathy that goes on with theater kids. You can find different shared interests. When kids, especially younger ones like that, when their attention is focused on a task or game or something that is shared between them that’s an activity. There’s less brain space for being a jerk to another kid.

They’re just sharing an activity. They’re not multitaskers. They’re not sitting there twisting their mustaches and trying to figure out a way to hurt the kid across from them. They’re focused on what they’re doing. D&D, which would have gotten you bullied when I was in school. It’s huge now, and people love it. It doesn’t have the stigma. It has a lot of imagination attached to it, and it’s not another scream. Video games can be entertainment. They also can be self-medicated.

I love anything that is without a screen for kids. Their brains are developing. They need to be outside. They need to be using their imagination. I don’t know where his physical development is for eleven. If he’s smaller in general than other kids, or whatever’s going on there, or if nothing’s going on there. A pretty surefire confidence builder is a martial art. It has a physical component to it, and it also usually has a mindfulness piece to it.

We teach people the skills they need to like themselves. Share on X

There’s something being addressed implicitly about self-esteem, being yourself, and letting others do their thing and you do your thing. There’s a focus and a mutual respect that often goes on in a martial art. It doesn’t matter which one. Let the kid choose. Go to many open houses and see which one he likes. I have seen martial arts turn things around for kids.

I didn’t expect you to go down this path. I am so glad you did because when somebody is saying something that resonates with me, my soul goes, “Oh, yes.” I think of how much being, first, in a class, being in a group, can feel good because we’re already in an included space. Everybody else is there because they want to learn this thing as well. Whether it’s glassblowing, pottery, or martial arts.

The other part about what you’re suggesting, especially for someone who feels like, “I’m not in my body. I’m not happy in my skin.” Martial arts or any class where there’s movement and strengthening of one’s physical abilities, also has the power to sharpen your brain, your cognitive faculties. When we look at that, it brings up for me how much I’ve always wanted to take a kickboxing class and how classes like that can help us feel truly formidable people. You get the benefits of being part of the class.

You get the benefit of feeling good in your body and stronger. As you said, maybe this person is a little on the slow side developmentally, might be small developmentally. We don’t know, maybe they’re extra tall. Whatever it might be. Being able to be in the body as it’s growing and changing at that age, it’s just growing and changing so much.

You’re building self-confidence in your capacities. You’re building self-esteem. That sense of regarding yourself highly, like, “I can do this.” Also, the other benefit aside from all the ones you’ve mentioned. You then have that group of other people who are there joining with you on this same journey. The mom spoke a couple of times about him being gifted.

Sometimes gifted kids often feel like they’re called out into special classes or activities. I remember being called out into gifted activities when I was in grade school. I felt like, “What’s wrong with me? Why are they calling me out? I don’t want to leave my pod of people. I’m being called out. There’s something wrong.”

It was supposed to be a compliment, but it didn’t feel that way. We realize that what you’re suggesting here is packing a positive punch, no pun intended, on so many levels for this child. They could follow whichever martial art they like and continue to work their way up, and it can be a friend for their entire lifetime.

Something physical and something artistic. There’s a dialectic too. Those kinds of things are so enriching, whether it’s in the moment or down the road. It is just some expansion of what’s cool. It’s not dumb to kids but it’s so superficial that if you are okay with who you are, whether you’re like some kids or different from some kids, then cool is irrelevant. I try to help kids just get into themselves, where that’s just a non-issue. What does cool mean? It means that other people are validating you. I teach internal validation because that’s what builds self-esteem and self-confidence for real.

Cool is irrelevant when you are happy in your own skin. Share on X

For people who like the word cool, we can be cool at our coolest when we are ourselves. That takes practice. If you didn’t grow up in an environment where you were taught that, and I’m not saying the mom did anything wrong. The environment can also be a society around you. When you don’t learn that being yourself, your evolving, wonderful self, that is amazing inherently cool.

There’s nothing like someone who is happy in their skin. Happy being themselves. A few weeks ago, we were out to dinner and saw a bunch of kids going to prom. They were dressed very differently from how I would have dressed for a prom. My husband and I were both looking and saying, “Isn’t that so cool?” I think it was a party of three, two guys and a girl dressed. You could also see kids going along the street dressed in the regular attire, the fancy prom dresses, but they were dressed in tennis shoes and a very different style. I was just thinking, “How cool is that?”

The other ones were lovely, but this group just looked so cool because they were so different. Unaware or perhaps uncaring about not being part of that regular group. To me, that is the coolest thing of all. It’s when we can be our best selves. It can manifest in attire, but it’s more about being your best self throughout your life in a way that makes you feel cool with yourself like cleaning your skin.

Self-Like As A Foundation

That’s acceptance. That’s self-acceptance. When you can learn to internally validate instead of being dependent on external validation, then you can spend time with yourself comfortably and develop an actual like and love. People talk about self-love all the time. I think liking yourself is more real and attainable.

It’s self-love, too, but that word is thrown around so much it has become somewhat meaningless. It overwhelms people who are struggling to like themselves at all. That seems like, “Self-love, that’s so far away.” We know it isn’t. Developing self-respect, a positive regard on any level for self, is a great start and a win.

I agree with you. I’ve talked about it before on a show about the importance of self-like and how it’s different from self-love. This is just my perspective. I see self-love as the practices we do to nurture the body, mind, and spirit. Take time for reading, take time for a nap, go for a walk, and show yourself you’re going to give yourself tender, loving care.

The self-like part is like we can love someone. We can love a partner or a kid, but we might not like what they’re doing all the time. Self-like is the same thing. We can practice self-love, but if we’re not working on the self-like part, we can be doing all the things. We can be going to take a time out or get a manicure. Whatever we’re calling self-love.

If we’re not working on the self-like part, which is a lot of what you’re talking about. It’s seeing who you are and noticing the parts that, as I say, the parts you want to breathe into, our strengths we want to make stronger and more vibrant, and our weaker areas, our frailties that we want to shore up. We want to keep making those parts stronger. We all have the dark side. We all have these things. Where we’re like, “I don’t like that about me.” I don’t want to lean into that.

When we’re working on that, what’s going to happen? We’re going to like ourselves more. As you said at the beginning, which I appreciate. You said you’re going to do things that make you proud. Not full of shame. Readers, that’s a journey. I don’t know about everybody, but I’m sure I will always do something at some point in time that makes me feel like, “I could have done better there,” because I’m human and imperfect.

As long as I recognize it and say, “How could I have done it differently? Next time, when I encounter something similar to that, I can behave a little more like the woman I want to see.” I love that you brought this up. Now I want to take a different loop if you don’t mind. I’m sensing, as is often the case with this mother. She’s identifying with her child, possibly because of unhealed trauma or strong empathy or she’s dealing with it within her own life or her childhood. Which makes that empathy stronger, that protectiveness stronger, and that desire to help stronger.

None of it’s bad, but when we look at it, what would you advise for the mom so that she is not unconsciously perhaps putting some of her undone, unresolved energy onto her son? In kind and gentle ways, mom can work on healing Mom. At the same time, she’s making space for her kiddo’s healing. Am I making sense?

Is she projecting her own wounds onto her kid and making it worse? We don’t know that she’s doing that, but it does happen. There has to be that separation. There probably are legitimate similarities, and we don’t want to put gas on that fire. Managing fear and guilt. Fear and guilt are such a huge part of parenthood. Poor parents. They never get away from it. Your job is to regulate your emotions skillfully so that you don’t barf them onto your kid. That is a parent’s job. You made a kid. Now, do what is best for the kid. This sometimes includes consequences, by the way.

Validation of emotions is the backbone of DBT. Share on X

A lot of times with a kid like this, you do not want to be too hard on him. He is already having such a hard time at school. Are there chores at home? Is he doing the chores? Are there expectations with grades? Make sure that all the foundational pieces for this eleven-year-old are in place. There is in chapter ten of the Cutting Book, which is a parenting manual, whether the kid is self-harming or not.

Parenting Contracts For Safety

Parenting contracts are a big part of what I do such as expectations and privileges. The phone is a privilege, by the way. Also, consequences and how long they last. Have real clarity around these things and make sure you are enforcing very natural and healthy consequences for behavior that goes against the family’s or the kids’ values. This heart pull to never enforce consequences because the kid is already having such a hard time at school is not healthy. Your heart has to break while you do it anyway because it’s the best thing for the kid to know where the boundaries of safety are and to gently move him back into the safety zone with consequences. That’s how they learn.

Readers, if this sounds unfamiliar, there’s the old B.F. Skinner’s conditioning. All of the classical conditioning behaviors. We can reinforce a child’s behavior in positive and negative ways. If a child is acting out and we placate or give in because we feel badly, we’re reinforcing the acting out behavior. A consequence does not mean that we punish someone. It simply means that we have a clear, which is why Dr. Kelly, I like your idea of parenting contracts.

These agreements are so important. That way, the kid knows, “If I do this, this is what will happen. Do I want to choose to do this or not?” When we are tired and stressed, and I have been here. I get it. We sometimes do not want to enforce consequences because smart kids make it hard. They do whatever they’re going to do. You’re like, “I am just too tired to reinforce the consequences. It’s easier to give in or they’re crying. I do not want to reinforce or they’re already having a hard day.”

The kindest thing you can do for your kiddo, or for anyone in your life for that matter, be it your partner, your adult kids, or your friends, is if you have a consequence, if you have stated a boundary, take the time to reinforce the consequence because it ultimately provides a lot of safety in that relationship. It’s the guardrails so that we know, if you break the speed limit, you’re going to get a fine. Thank you for mentioning that because so many parents, and as I said, I raised my hand, I have done it, too. I have made many errors. It’s so easy to give in for a variety of factors. That unwanted behavior jumps up.

If we are in any position of authority such as a parent, a doctor, a leader, even a friend, we want to help people that we love see what they do not see. Often that means what we call DBT willful behaviors. The behaviors you engage in and that make your life worse instead of better. If I can see that with a kid, or a client I’m working with, it is not the kind thing to do to stay silent about repeated willful behaviors that make that kid’s life worse instead of better.

It is part of my job to help someone stop engaging in behaviors that cause them shame. If you do that enough times, it’s whittling down self-esteem. It’s eroding self-confidence. My job in a leadership role is to ask, “Are we done with that yet?” You can see A, B, and C, how this is making your life worse instead of better. Are we going to be knocking it off anytime soon? Here are a number of skills. What can you do instead of what you are currently doing that matches your values instead of goes against your values? If you had a redo in that situation, what would you have chosen to do if you were in a mindful place?

All too often, Dr. Kelly, and this is how I work with my own clients. We get stuck looking at the past. Either we shove it down and not want to talk about or look at it, or we look at the past and blame ourselves. We shame ourselves. We get stuck in that cycle. We feel guilty and bad. I’m not saying not to turn to the past, but turn to the past to learn what I could have done better. Do I need to make amends? How do I want to be in the future?

Use all that energy you would use to shame, blame, or hate yourself or someone else, then channel it into, “The only person I can control in life is this one right here. It’s my body, my mind, and myself.” When we work with that and go back to this mom and her child, it’s, “Mom, we can’t necessarily control what the other children are doing.” As you said, I like the fact that there’s no overt bullying. We don’t know, so parents, just have your radar up for this.

Sometimes, there can be emotional bullying. It’s not someone hitting or punching the child, but some children can be cruel. They can be emotionally abusive and exclusionary. How can the mom deal with this? Please add, Dr. Kelly. My suggestion to her would be to start talking to the child. Ask, “Honey, how are you feeling? How is school going?” Ask the open-ended questions. As we know with children, sometimes they don’t want to respond in the moment. If you allow silence while you’re making lunches, cooking, cleaning, or driving in the car, you ask the question, sometimes the child will pipe up with something an hour, two days, or a week later, and say, “Mom.”

Being okay with asking gentle open-ended questions. Not a yes or no question. That will shut the kids down. It will shut most of us down in many ways. What do you think of that? What can you add to this for the mom and the child to work on their relationship and make space for the child to have mom as a safe harbor to talk about what is happening?

Talk about feelings. I’m with you on the open-ended questions. I often advise parents that “How was school?” Though, it’s an open-ended question, is not that skilled. That’s overwhelming to kids. I often ask, “Tell me something funny that happened,” because they’re pretty willing to do that. We’re laughing, and the central nervous system is calming down in the laughter too. It’s just more fun to talk about. Asking about feelings is important when they do start talking to you about what’s going on at school that’s perhaps negative.

I made a feelings wheel because so many of them that I found have thoughts in them instead of emotions. Stupid and worthless isn’t a feeling. In fact, those are harsh judgments that can hurt you to do that repetitive negative self-talk. There’s the free one on the website and a parenting contract that goes on the fridge for when the kid goes, “You never said that.” If you have the contract and the wheel on the fridge, then you can get the family sharing language. We were talking about the power of language earlier.

Infinite fuel is found when you access your inner joy. Share on X

Let’s get a shared language in the family where I say, “What are you feeling?” “I feel like you’re not listening.” That’s not a feeling, by the way. That’s a thought. I feel statements are such that when the word feel is followed by like or that. You are on your way to a thought and not a feeling. I do think mental health professionals are partially to blame for this conversation’s perversion of I feel statements. A true I feel statement is I feel, and then right after the word feel is an actual emotion such as happy, sad, proud, mortified, or whatever it is.

You can start coaching each other, and they’re going to catch you doing it too, parents, which is fun. You don’t have to be defensive about it. You can say, “Nice one.” I said, “I feel like you’re not listening to me,” and you said, “Mom, that’s not a feeling.” One for you, zero for me. You can say, “What are you feeling when you pick them up from school?” “I’m feeling tired.” They’re going to say that a lot, which is more physically or emotionally tiring. What are we talking about here? Be open to whatever they say and start steering them toward stating emotions, because even the naming of it is validation.

Validation of emotions is the backbone of DBT. Everything stems from there. It’s one of the core mindfulness skills. You have to make it okay, whatever emotional experience you’re having. You can’t shame yourself for feeling fear or anything. The feelings are valid just for having them. The thoughts they generate are up for grabs. Those are not valid just because we think them. I do think a real problem is blending the thoughts and feelings and then believing everything you think when you’re emotionally activated.

That is not emotionally intelligent. If we’re creative at all and have a great imagination, we’re going to think all kinds of wacky things when we are emotionally activated. It’s okay, even if they’re dark, even if they’re very dark. They’re just thoughts. Let them go and then ask yourself, “What am I feeling that is generating all these worry thoughts? There are so many of them. They’re intense and they’re repeating.” Now you’re back in the mind-body connection. You can name your emotions, and just the naming of them will bring the intensity down closer to baseline. You want to be at baseline before you act on anything.

When we’re reacting, before we’re in that regulated space, we’re coming from the primitive brain. We’re going to do things that may cause us to later look back and say, “I’m not so very proud of how I behaved in that moment.” Many of us didn’t learn these skills as children. Many people are learning them as teenagers, young adults, adults, elders even.

Kudos to you, no matter what age you’re learning them at. Readers, if this sounds unfamiliar to you, where you’re saying, “What are you talking about, stating my feelings and bringing it down to a regulated state?” One of the most common ones I hear from people is, “I’m anxious. I’m having a conversation. The conversation is making me anxious. I feel anxious. Therefore, it’s a bad conversation. Therefore, the conversation is bad. Therefore, the person talking to me is bad or evil or tormenting me.”

There went the thoughts. If you bring it back to, “I’m feeling anxious. Can I sit with the anxiety? Can I breathe?” Get breathing, self-regulating, and bringing yourself down. Having some of these conversations might make the mom a little anxious. It might make the son anxious. Being able to realize, and once you’re in that calm space, then you can say, “What’s making me anxious? Is this person across from me, are they going to call me names? Are they hurtful? Do I have a history with them that shows that they’re going to be really mean to me?”

Whatever it is. Being able, as you said, self-regulate. Notice that your emotion of anxiety is not lying to you. You are definitely feeling anxious, but the thoughts often are. Some of these core self-regulation strategies are so critical. Dr. Kelly, I could talk to you for ages. You’ve been so helpful, so kind and compassionate about this reader’s question and sharing your wisdom with us. Are there any other key pieces before we wrap up that you’d like to address?

No. If everybody just had the parenting contract and the wheel on their fridge, it would move the needle, and the world would be a better place.

This is a personal thought here. First, you offer them on your website as free resources. That’s fabulous. I have a feeling, readers, that they might help you in your other relationships because contracts can help us. Not that we’re trying to get someone into a legally binding, formal contract like we’re buying a home with them or something. The idea that when we have a contract and a feeling wheel on the fridge. Whether you might just have no kids and have a partner where you’re having issues.

Having a contract about the behaviors that are expected, the division of duties, those sorts of things. It helps. It can be a little hard to make them at first but as we were talking. Once you have the guidelines set and once you have those agreements set, it is so much easier because if somebody gets confused it’s like, “Look at the fridge. There’s our agreement right there. You do the laundry and I do the cooking.” It takes so much of the unknown, the uncertainty that can give rise to these things.

If you have a kiddo, a parenting contract, it can make it so much easier. Not just on you, but on the kiddo. If you have a partner, the same concept. Get clarity. Dr. JJ, I know that you have so many books that you’ve written that are helpful for kids and their parents. Dr. Kelly, where can our readers find you?

Everything is DrJJKelly.com. The books, the wheel, everything. I’m excited about the merch. I’m not pushing it. I just get excited about anything in toy form. Something that is playful and colorful, I love that. That’s new for us is having merch. That’s been a lot of fun.

I have to say, I have one of your stickers that your team was so kind to send me, including a book. Readers, if you are watching on YouTube, you will see it. It’s a rocket with the word joy on it. It says, “Joy is infinite fuel.” Perfect. I love the energy because when we can access our inner joy, which is part of us being comfortable in our skin and knowing who we are and feeding that joy by being more in tune with who we are and being our very cool, amazing selves.

It is infinite fuel. It is wonderful. Dr. JJ, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has been a joy and a pleasure. I’m so grateful.

Thank you, too.

To our readers, as always, I am so grateful for your time, your energy, and you sharing this beautiful journey of life with me. This is Imperfect Love.

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About Dr. J.J. Kelly

Dr. J.J. Kelly is a licensed clinical psychologist, emotional intelligence skills training expert, and bestselling author of The Holy Shit! series. J.J. is also the CEO and founder of UnorthoDocs, Inc., a punk alternative to traditional psychotherapy that centers around group process, peer-coaching, mentorship, and community outreach. Dr. Kelly and the Unortho “Docs” (former “patients”) live their lives with the belief that global healing is achieved by teaching people the skills to like themselves.

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

Feeling Excluded? How to Shine as Your Authentic Self!

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

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Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

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Listen to the podcast here

Feeling Excluded? How to Shine as Your Authentic Self!

The Struggle To Fit In

Understanding DBT And Emotions

Finding Your Own Tribe

Self-Like As A Foundation

Parenting Contracts For Safety

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About Dr. J.J. Kelly

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

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