As parents, we often expect ourselves to be completely calm – and even perfect – no matter what comes our way. Yet, in real life, it’s all too easy to get stressed and reactive when parenting gets challenging. Internal and external demands can become overwhelming and knock us off center–and this can raise big feelings such as disappointment, anger, and self-doubt. So what are the secrets to creating the inner peace that lets us (more often than not) respond to parenting and other life demands with wisdom, calm, and grace?

Today, I’m joined by parenting expert and MamaZen co-founder, Irin Rubin, who will help us explore this deeply important topic. Topics discussed include maternal depression, post-partum depression, perinatal depression, co-regulation, mindset, flooding, motherhood, parenting, support, hypnotherapy, CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, mom rage, self-care, self-awareness, mindfulness, baby showers, community, well-being, and mental health.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert in this (or any episode) is offering medical or psychological direction; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

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Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

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Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

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Connect with Irin Rubin:

Website: www.mamazen.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mamazenapp/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mamazenapp

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From Chaos to Calm: The Secret to Healthy, Confident Parenting at Every Age

The Secrets to Calm, Non-Reactive Parenting at Every Age

As parents, we often expect ourselves to be completely, calm and even perfect no matter what comes our way. Yet in real life, it’s all too easy to get stressed and reactive when life gets challenging. Internal and external demands can become overwhelming and knock us off our center and this can create big feelings, such as disappointment, anger, and self-doubt. What are the secrets to creating the inner peace that lets us more often than not, respond to parenting and other life demands with wisdom, grace, and cool? I’m joined by a top parenting expert and cofounder of MamaZen who will help us explore this deeply important topic. No matter your age, stay tuned for a fabulous dive into the tips that can help you create your best calm self.

We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I’m a mom of two with one on the way and I struggle every day trying to stay on top of everything. Lately, I’ve been losing my cool with both my kids and partner. I think I’m afraid of how I’m going to handle the extra load. I want this child but I think my plate is going to be too full to do a good job. My parents managed five kids with no problem. I wonder if I’m just not cut out to have a big family. Can you give me some tips and coping skills?” With that issue as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly, and this is Imperfect Love. Please note as this episode contains sensitive information. Reader discretion is advised.

I am so delighted to bring to the show Irin Rubin. Irin is a parenting expert and the creator of MamaZen. Welcome to the show, Irin. It’s so lovely to have you with us.

Thank you so much. I’m very excited to talk about motherhood and how imperfect it is.

That is a great start. Motherhood and any parenting is certainly imperfect and we expect ourselves and sometimes other people seem to expect us to handle it perfectly. That adds a layer of stress of its own.

I agree with that. If we take ourselves out of that magnifying glass and wake up in the morning and just tell ourselves, “It doesn’t matter who is on social media. It doesn’t matter who expects me to be what. I’m just going to be who I am.” That takes off a lot of that pressure.

Thank you for starting us with that simple idea of letting go of that external pressure that we might see things on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or wherever it is, where we see these perfect lives other people seem to have created. We hold ourselves up to them and compare ourselves to whoever they might be. Yet that’s an illusion. In most cases, it’s a big illusion. Before we launch into this important topic, as I was reading the reader’s question and matching it with you as the expert.

Doing Your Best Without Chasing Perfection

It brought up a lot for me as a parent where often, we’re trying hard to do our best and it’s a journey. Somedays, we do very great and other days, maybe not so well. Anyway, you’re a great expert and perfect for this very important universal question. Before we launch into that, could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

What makes me, me is I wake up in the morning with the intention of doing my best and without the pressure of being perfect and knowing that whatever happens, I’m okay with because things are not going to go my way. I’m very much honest to my values of just enjoying the day and have zero expectations. Good things will happen. Some things that I didn’t expect will happen. It just flows. I’m very much like a flowing person and that’s part of why I started MamaZen then because when I became a mom, I lost that. I wasn’t in touch with how easy going I was and I became like a stress case. I found my way back, so I’m very happy about that. That’s what makes me, me.

Experiencing PTSD As A Mother

Thank you. I’m fascinated by what you just said because it seems like you experienced a flip of a switch where you were a fairly calm person. You told me you have two children. Was it the first child where you felt that flip of a switch?

It started with my first delivery, which was very traumatic. There was a lot of intervention from doctors and at that time, you ruined the whole experience but I also felt like I got hit by a truck. It was very hard to recover from that. I felt like I had PTSD. Even my pain levels changed after that experience. There I was pregnant again and fighting those fears. I didn’t want to experience that again. I had an easier delivery, but my second baby was colic for eight hours a day. There was a new type of PTSD happening, and I would say, each experience was different and beautiful in its own way but also very challenging.

Before I was a mom, I’ve done a lot of stuff in my life. I was a six-time Judo national champion and I was in the military. I thought I was tough and here I am. I become a mom and all of a sudden, all that toughness is out the window. From being a very calm and confident person, I became a very anxious and stressed out person, then I found a solution and went back to being calm and confident. The switch flipped a few times.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m a little bit flabbergasted, so six-time Judo champion and in the military. You go through all of that, it sounds like with flying colors and then two kiddos. Who would have thought that two kiddos could bring someone to their knees in a sense? I understand it sounds and in my work with clients, that can happen. Your situation is unique with being a judo champion and in the military yet finding when it comes to kiddos, there is so much.

No matter how much we pray and hope for this beautiful family life and beautiful pregnancy and beautiful deliveries. Sometimes, that entire process, for whatever reason, whether there’s some depression in the mix whether it’s before the baby is born or after the baby is born or during that whole time. Whether there’s a difficult delivery, as in your case, you lose self-trust and faith in the process. Sometimes faith in the medical system. When we don’t feel safe, it can set us up for trouble in the short-term and long-term because, if we don’t have safe safety, life in general feels so much more challenging.

It’s a combination of a lot of things. It’s the physical aspect of delivering a baby and breastfeeding. It’s not coming easily to a lot of us. It’s having a new baby to take care of. It’s a person and there’s a lot of things you have to be watching for. It’s a very critical time and you’re exhausted. It’s exhaustion that you never felt before because you’re around the clock 24/7 for weeks and all that combined with hormonal changes. It challenges you.

If you don’t know exactly what’s happening and what to do, you feel very lonely, confused, and out of balance. All that is very overwhelming to your system and to wake up every day like that and take care of another person. It’s just very hard and society expects us to just deal with it. That was the hardest thing for me. I’m like, “What do you mean? I need some tools here. I need something.” I remember every time I was going through the packet I got from the hospital and all it had was information about my baby, the growth and went to go see the pediatrician. I’m like, “What about me? I’m losing it over here and there’s nothing in this packet that can help me?”

I was quite shocked and that’s exactly what led me to create MamaZen because I didn’t want any other month to feel so out of control, confused and so alone. It’s a big challenging period. Before becoming a mommy, you have no idea. In the movies, it looks so cute. Every moment looks so precious, but then you come home with a brand-new baby and it’s very far from that.

I know each of my kids, the delivery, especially the first one. The delivery was a little more difficult but coming home to a full-time job when I was already working and then another full-time job and the full-time job doesn’t want to sleep. It wants to scream and you can’t control it. All of a sudden, all of those parts of the self, even if you felt in control before. Being a mom can bring up so much of that internal sense of, “I can’t control my life.”

The best part about that feeling is it makes you say, “I’m letting it go.” When you let it go and you stop trying to control it, it’s almost like you free yourself from it. It’s almost like the more we try to control everything, the schedule, the crying, the household, and the mess and everything. The more we make ourselves feel crazy. I feel like as soon as you let go and you’re like, “Whatever this day brings, it brings. I’m just going to deal with it one moment at a time.” You free yourself from that.

How The Comparison Game Destroys Motherhood

I completely agree. Having expectations that are much gentler that set the stage for enjoyment rather than I must and I should because that creates a lot of internal chaos. What do you think when we look at this reader’s question where they’re saying, “Could you give me some coping skills?” It also sounds like this person’s comparing themselves to the family they grew up in and it was at least good enough parenting, if not great parenting. I don’t know if they work full-time or their parents work full-time or what the situation was, but when we start comparing ourselves whether it’s to social media or to how our parents did it. It’s a comparison. There’s no upside to it in most cases. You’re shaking your head so say more please.

The comparison game is a very negative aspect of motherhood like comparing yourself with your parents or friends. You don’t know what kids you will have. You don’t know how this baby is going to be. We’re already losing the competition because what you don’t know, you don’t know. Also, our parents dealt with a different reality. Modern motherhood is very much figured out. You’re on your own. Figure out what you need, where you need to go, and how you get help. We no longer have the village. We don’t drop our kids off at the neighbors and just go and do our thing. That’s very different.

It’s a mindset. You have to have a positive mindset. If you think that it’s going to be too hard or too challenging, or you’re not going to be able to do it. You’re going to experience a challenging period. There’s just no way around there because you’re almost setting yourself to it. You have to change your mindset and you have to go in with positive self-talk. Even if you don’t feel like it. If you don’t feel like it then fake it.

Start saying positive things to yourself like, “I’m going to do it. I’m stronger than I think. I’m going to get the help that I need. I’m going to communicate.” Focus on everything that you wish for yourself and start saying it out loud. By the time the baby is here, your mindset is going to be in a different place and things are going to be more positive. You’re going to be surprisingly happy with the results because the mind is powerful. What I recommend to this reader is to change the way you speak to yourself. You’re speaking out of fear and it’s not where you should be coming from. You should be coming from a place of happiness, a place of peace, a place of confidence. Say, “I can do this,” and you will be able to.

I agree with the importance of having a positive mindset and one of the pieces that you said. I do have to bracket that and say I’ve worked with people who are so deep in depression and self-doubt that even saying out loud, “I can do this,” is hard for them to verbalize a phrase like that and something you said was empowering because the part about reaching out for support. When we look at this world, which is often fragmented. We do not grow up in many cases with a community or family around us.

I know, for me, my life was saved because I had a few angels in my life when my kids were tiny who helped me manage things. Those angels whatever form they come in be it a grandparent, a sister, a brother, or a neighbor, accessing resources where you can then pause, take that deep breath in, have fifteen minutes to read or nap or whatever you need. Finding those resources is an important step in the process and not being afraid to reach out. Whether it’s to your doctor’s office, the hospital, the community center, a local counseling center or parenting center.

There are resources available, especially for people who can’t afford a private therapist or daycare twice a week. Whatever it might be. There are free resources out there that want to support you in parenting but sometimes that internal message says, “I should be able to do it all. I should be able to get through this on my own.” That message, those shoulds can set the stage for fairly even worse about yourself. What do you think?

Preparing A Birth Plan And A Postpartum Plan

I’ve always given moms this advice. You have a birth plan, have a postpartum plan. Write down all your wishes and your expectations. Share it with your partner, your parents, and your best friends. Have a plan for the postpartum period when you don’t have the time and the brain power to do it. Know in advance so those people know, “Once you give birth, you expect me to come at least once a week with a warm meal. Watch the baby for a couple of hours. No problem. I can do it.”

It’s when you’re drowning in the trenches of the postpartum period and then you’re trying to find people. Nobody’s available because nobody knew that was your expectation. We should focus more on the postpartum plan because that’s like a 3 to 6 months period and the birth plan is just one day. Write down everything that you hope and wish for your postpartum period and then communicate to those people.

I love that idea. We’re so busy and we’re so excited when the baby is coming. We’re getting the nursery ready or the bedroom ready. We’re getting maternity clothes and all of those things that come with that excitement. Even if we’re suffering from some depression or nausea or all the things that come with that period. Even turning to a partner or a best friend and saying, “Can you also help me get ready for the delivery, the days after the delivery, and then the month by month in those, as you say, ideally that first six months if at all possible?”

Sometimes there are people in a neighborhood. Even if your family’s not close by or family can come and fly in and stay for a couple of days. Ask and get it set up. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner. Even if your partner is working full-time. Whatever’s happening, this is the time. As you say, there’s so much going on like, baby’s needs, meeting this new little being who may be a calm one or a colicky one or maybe somewhere in between. Having a support staff so that you can be your gentle self, your non-reactive self, because it’s hard to not react when you’re stressed and worn very thin.

I agree with that and it’s important even with your partner to share with them, “You will do at least one feeding a night or I expect you to take the other two kids to the playground at least three times a week between 3:00 and 6:00 so I have some time to breathe. I expect you to pick them up from daycare school. I expect you to have meals ready on Monday and Friday.” Have those little conversations, but those are going to save your sanity because you can’t do it all.

You’re making me think of my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, where I talk about the importance of agreements. If we don’t create agreements, loving and kind agreements with the people in our lives, then we have default agreements. We get implicit agreements rather than explicit agreements, where both people have the opportunity to come to the table and say, “Here’s my plan. Here are my thoughts. Here are mine. Let’s talk about a way. Let’s collaborate, or compromise.” Create an agreement that feels good. It won’t always be perfect but it’s not about being perfect. It’s about creating a flow that can let both parents be their best selves or as close to their best selves as possible, which then generally creates happier kids and a happier household.

How To Make Baby Showers More Meaningful For The Mom

We should change the trend of the baby shower as well. The mom should come with a personal note to each person and write the note, “I would love for you to help me to do this or to come over or maybe once a month, you can come over and bring a meal or something.” Instead of just focusing on buying things for the baby. Let’s focus on the mom because she needs the help. The baby will be fine. The mom will take care of the baby. The baby is good.

They usually don’t need diapers, cakes and the clothes. They got that. They know what they want to buy. They want to buy organic cotton or special diapers. The mom needs help from those people that come to the baby shower after the baby is born. The closer people to you should get more assignments and you should share more time with them. The people who are not so close to and still come to the baby shower should still help you like once a month. I think we’re doing it wrong.

Irin, that is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time and I mean that wholeheartedly. I’m thinking of, unless you live across the country or in another state. You can send meals to someone, pick dates, or give them gift cards for meals. A little baby blanket or whatever is very cute but what I think about when I go to a baby shower, I tend to spend more time shopping for that perfect gift.

I could use that time to create a home cooked meal or to do some research on finding that person a daycare. Something where you can contribute to their quality of life after the baby comes. That’s a fabulous idea to create a baby shower that is about welcoming the baby and when we welcome the baby into a household where mama feels good and supported. What better baby gift could there be? That’s a great idea.

All those meal trains and things like that, we should definitely do it for the moment. We should plan on coming and helping because for us, it’s an hour or two. For her, if you have 10 or 20 people come to help for an hour or two, it’s like she got her life back.

How Parents Can Teach Children About Calmness

Also, that ability because if mom feels good, the partners are going to feel better. If mom is feeling underappreciated, overworked, and exhausted, I’ve seen it over and over again. It can create short-term and long-term resentment and havoc in that relationship. This is a win-win. Now I have a question for you. I love that you have MamaZen parenting tips. Your daughters are how old?

They are 9 and 11.

A question for you. What do you think about the strain of being a mom to a newborn versus the toddler years and now the teen years? Do you find that the stressors get any less? In my life, I found that the stressors were different but I got more adept at healing with them by creating better coping mechanisms, I hope. What do you think of that? Did you find one stage easier than another?

I want to go back to what you just said before the question, the coping mechanisms. MamaZen is not a tip. We created mind power sessions, which combined hypnotherapy, CBT, and mindfulness. Those sessions are what give you the coping skills. We help moms to move from being reactive to having a lot of self-regulation. It’s very important what you said. The issues and the challenges will come. They have different phases and hats. The newborn period is challenging with the endless feeding, the trouble sleeping, and the hormonal changing. The toddler period is hard with the tantrums and they are challenging the parents. They’re not listening and are always constantly being in trouble. I call it the lifeguard because I feel like I was a lifeguard, constantly saving my kid from herself.

You have the grade schools and then you have societies starting to affect them and affect their confidence. They want to do things because people do it or because people told them that if they don’t do it, they’re going to fall behind. The challenges change, but if you have your inner calm, you’re going to be able to deal with whatever comes. That’s exactly what I created with MamaZen. The period doesn’t matter. I’m giving you the skills to always find a way back to being a calm parent. That’s exactly the best tip we can give any parent out there.

It’s not about the scripts. It’s not about, “If your toddler does this, then do that.” No, it’s about your state. If you’re regulated, if you are calm or dealing with challenges without the panic and the reactiveness, your children will see you. They’re going to have the confidence to say no to their friends. They’re going to have the ability to have self-love. Their inner light is going to come through because you’ve done the work. They mirror us for years. They look at us constantly.

They check how we speak, how we talk, how we talk to each other as adults, and how we speak to our parents. They are listening and learning everything. The biggest gift I’ve given my kids is to be calm and I see them now in middle school. When things happen, not to lose that. They will find the solutions faster. They will be able to deal with the challenges and find good friends. If something bothers them, they will speak up. I see it now, so I’m very happy about that. If a mom is calm, the kids are calm also.

I truly agree, and I have a question for you, both about hypnotherapy and the CBT and cognitive behavioral therapy. When we look at what you’re talking about, the sense of inner calm. I’m a firm believer in attachment theory and creating secure attachment. It sounds to me as if using this app, which can help the mom or any parent become more stable inside, more capable of self-soothing, emotional regulation, staying centered, and not perfect but more often than not being able to come back to that strong inner self.

This then, the child feels mom being attuned or parent being attuned, parent child sees mom being attuned and calm or whatever is happening. Mom is present, engaging with the child, not reacting and yelling at the kid or running away from the kid. Not letting the kid take over by the temper tantrum overtaking the room. When mom is marrying back calm, safety, and security. The kiddo learns to internalize over time calm, safety, and security.

Even if we get it off now and again, because there’s good enough parenting. There’s no perfect parenting. The child, as you’re saying, moves out into the world step by step, becoming a more secure little one, middle schooler then adult eventually. This is how we break those intergenerational cycles, where if we didn’t have security attachment, we can begin to earn it by being in relationship with self and others in a securely attached way.

This allows the kiddos to take that sense of security attachment with their siblings, friends and eventually their mates. This is some big work that you’re talking about. If somebody is a mom and didn’t know about this before they had kiddos, it sounds as if it’s an app that can be valuable to any parent.

Rewiring Your Subconscious Mind Through Self-Work

It is extremely valuable. Through my work, I devote between an hour to two hours of self-work a day. I know it sounds a lot. Who has time for it? The results are so amazing that if I give it up, it will affect my kids. Throughout the day, I regulate myself and keep my nervous system very calm. Through neuroplasticity, which is a very natural process for the mind, a biological process where the more positive experiences you have, the more positive neural connections and pathways you create in the mind.

If you grow up in a household where there were a lot of negative experiences like yelling, fighting, punishing, or grabbing, a lot of those behaviors that we don’t want to repeat with our children. Those pathways were created in your mind. Science figured out we can create new pathways and change those. This is exactly what MamaZen does. We help this parent go through a process in the sessions. Every session starts in an induction. We calm the nervous system down. The critical mind gets the break. It needs to have access to the subconscious mind, which if your readers don’t know, the subconscious mind controls about 85% of our mind power.

Most of the things you do throughout the day are very automatic. Let’s say you grew up in a household where yelling was very ordinary like a daily thing. You’re so used to it that now as the parent you repeat it. If you are used to having a lot of yelling when you grow up, then your subconscious mind is used to it and you bring it up now with your kids. Through MamaZen, through those sessions, we were able to change that and help you to create a different scenario for your family.

Through visualization, you are starting to rewire those newer connections with positive behavior. When you’re being triggered, you no longer react the way your parents used to react or the way you used to react in the past and you also respond. When that happened to me the first time, I was quite shocked. My kids were one and three and a half. I remember I used to get upset when they were fighting with each other.

I had a lot of traumas growing up with an older sister that was physical with me and I brought it into my kid’s relationship. Every time they would start fighting, I would get into fight or flight mode. Through doing the sessions, I began to notice that rage coming up. I was able to pause and choose, “Do I want to yell or do I want to change my reaction?” It was very empowering. The first time I noticed it, they were putting their shoes in the garage. They started with the elbows and the kicking and I felt that rage come up. I was able to stop myself and I was like, “This is amazing. I can control this?”

It’s so interesting when you’re talking about neuroplasticity. You’re likely familiar with the term, but remember it’s simply that our brains are not ever done creating themselves. As we get older, they’re less able to change but we can always change. There’s something called Hebb’s law, which is the law of neuroplasticity, which is use it or lose it. If you’re using those neural pathways that are fight or flight, then they’re going to be more hardwired.

How Hypnotherapy Can Bring You Back To Yourself

If you stop using them, you’re going to lose them over time and you’re going to be forming new neural pathways that are about calmness, gentleness, and non-reactivity. That is how we change our brains and thus then we change our lives. It’s a matter of time, effort, and mindfulness. It’s not going to change on its own. Now this takes me to that part that I was going to ask you, Irin, where we’re looking at for those who might go, “I don’t want to do hypnotherapy.”

They might be comfortable with cognitive behavioral therapy with you just changing your cognitions and your behavior. With hypnotherapy, can you give us a snippet? I know you’re talking about visualizations, so seeing things in a different light, which is often a big part of hypnotherapy. Could you describe that so that people feel maybe more comfortable with it?

I love the fact that you brought this up, because there’s a misunderstanding here. We are already hypnotized. We were hypnotized from the moment we were born by our family, our peers, social media, and TV commercials. We are hypnotized all the time. Hypnotherapy removes those layers and brings you back to your true essence. It’s the opposite. We’re dehypnotizing you. We’re showing you who you are. We were all born calm people. It was just put on us, the reactivity, anxiety, yelling, and aggression. We were not born with it.

This is something that society and our families unfortunately introduced us to. We’re moving all that and making you feel your best self. Who doesn’t want that? The fact that hypnosis, which is staged and super untrue, by the way, those people are not becoming chickens. It’s just for entertainment purposes. We took an amazing modality and put a negative light on it. It’s one of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves. It’s to calm our mind from the chaos, the noise, and the endless demands. Take a moment and just connect with yourself.

We go into the meat of the session, which you’re just imagining things going differently. You’re imagining how you want to be when you’re responding to your children. You can imagine bedtime being calm, and being loving. You speak calmly and then all of a sudden, it starts to happen in your life. It’s the easiest way to change. We have to get away from, “I don’t want to be hypnotized.” We’re not doing anything that’s going to make you behave weird. We’re bringing you back to yourself. It’s an amazing and very empowering modality. I wish that more people would hear this and realize, “I have to try this. This sounds amazing,” and it is.

It’s one of the basic tenets of a lot of therapeutic modalities using your idea, calling hypnosis or that stripping away of all of the unhelpful parts that have been attached to us. Whether in childhood or adulthood, relationships, or general life chaos. I’m EMDR certified among other certifications. When I think about it, EMDR finding that safe place or learning to create an inner calm.

Meditation does this yoga can do this. All of these things can help bring us back toward our kinder and calmer true selves.What you are saying if I’m hearing you right, is that your app creates a safe space for this in targeted ways that help reprogram the mind back to its gentle and strong inner core and away from those chaotic responses or negative difficult responses that we learned from childhood forward.

MamaZen is the fastest most effective tool that’s available to parents who want to break generational cycles and want to wake up in the morning calm and happy. It works like magic. It’s amazing. We do surveys with our readers all the time. Our members are telling us that after three sessions their anxiety went down. Their stress levels went down and they are sleeping better. They’re bonding better with their kids. Show me something else that does this. It doesn’t exist.

MamaZen is the ultimate solution to any parent who is feeling like they can’t take it anymore or feel like they’re drowning or feel like they can get that oxygen or that break. We are going to help them to exhale. It’s about that. Release it. Give your nervous system a break. All of us are walking in fight or flight mode all the time and we don’t even know where it is because we’re been in it for so long. Everybody is so focused on your looks and going to the gym. You have to bounce back after delivering a baby and you need to look your best.

What about your mind? Why not devote 20 or 30 minutes a day for your mind to be at your best and feel good? I’m not just saying it. I’m experiencing it all the time. Every time, I’m like, “It’s so nice to disconnect from the fast life we have from the news, school emails and lists.” Disconnect. It’s amazing. You’re going to feel so good and so refreshed.

You’re saying something that I found important, that idea of disconnecting because we’re often worried that if I take 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes or 20 minutes out for myself that I’ll be a bad parent or I’ll miss something or I won’t do something right. Yet there is huge truth in the idea, in the manifestation of self-care, self-development, and self-work making us not only our best selves in the short-term, but in the long-term.

Whatever we invest in in life, I’m not judging but I’m saying, if we’re putting all of our time into looking good in the external world and no time into looking good and feeling good in the internal world. We might want to reevaluate that because the internal world is what keeps us going. I know you’re saying, your internal practices help keep you steady. I couldn’t live without mine. My internal practices, my meditation and all of the things I do to stay calm and center, I wouldn’t want to do life without them. I know life before them and I know life after them. I much prefer life with those tools and the daily ability to cleanse and recharge finding our calm. It’s just fantastic.

It’s very important for moms like us to share this wisdom to tell the world that, “We’re doing this. We’re taking the time to work on our inner state. We’re taking the time to work on our positive self-talk and get more confident.” We are doing it. Parents who are reading, try it. You have nothing to lose. What is it going to do? Make you feel better. Give it a try. It doesn’t matter what you try. I don’t know if you know, but I released a book a few months ago called The MamaZen Parenting Method.

In that book, I go through the whole journey. I give a lot of tools on how to do the same thing I did. I give the seven steps of how to become a calmer parent. If you don’t want to do audio sessions. Read a book. There are tools out there. You can find ways. Listen to podcasts. Podcasts are a great way to do self-inner work. Learn from it. You have to prioritize your mental well-being. That’s the biggest tip I can give any parent. Start working on your mental health and do it. You don’t have to do two hours in a day. You don’t have to go to a therapist. Find what works for you and do it for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 20 minutes a day. That’s it. It’s going to make a huge difference.

Why Parents Should Learn The Secrets Of Co-Regulation

It does and I agree because once you’re a parent, you’re always a parent. You’re always a parent when different challenges come up. Many times, I hear from clients that they’re struggling with a child who’s returned home or a child who’s getting married or grandchildren. When we learn these internal skills, when we embrace self-regulation, self-soothing techniques, or awareness techniques that allow us to pull back from that place of reactivity or shutting down because often it’s one of those. Either shutting down or reacting and coming from that place of gentleness, mindfulness, and slowness. The journey can be a lot easier and a lot more joyful. Do you have any other final tips you’d like to share with our readers?

It’s very important to learn coregulation. Some parents think, “I’m going to tell my child now to take a few deep breaths or I’m going to hold her hand while they do it.” I want to make it very important for parents to understand. Coregulation is an amazing tool. You basically coregulate with your child. You do the breathing and the child follows. Every parent learns the skill of being calm and centered and showing the child the behavior. When the child gets flooded, you don’t get flooded with him. You don’t yell more.

When your child yells, you don’t yell louder. You don’t try to be, “I’m going to show you how to be louder or more aggressive.” Go the opposite way. Get calmer. Start breathing. Outside of your child, it’s like magic. I do it with my daughter all the time. She’s more sensitive. She’ll start crying and panicked. I start breathing deep. By the third breath, she starts with me. I don’t tell her to start breathing. I just do it and her nervous system follows and that’s amazing. Every parent should learn the secrets of coregulation.

It’s not tough. Also, I love coregulation because it not only works with kiddos. It works with clients. It can work with your partner, if you have a partner who tends to get riled up. When you hold your core and model healthy behavior, model internal stability, it doesn’t mean it’s always easy. It does mean it shifts dynamics in relationships that makes it easier over time because you’re holding steady. If you need to process things more deeply later about anything that came up for you, then you can do that. Again, creating those internal patterns of, “I’ve got this. I can breathe. I can stay steady,” and as you said, not getting higher, more reactive than the kiddo or the other person.

It fires back.

Get In Touch With Irin And Buy Her Books

Thank you. Irin, where can our readers find you?

Our app is available on IOS and Android. Type in the AppStore, MamaZen. You can also take a look at our website www.MamaZen.com and you can buy the book on Amazon. It’s called The MamaZen Parenting Method. It’s like my raw journey of how I got here and how it all started. I think parents can benefit from a real story. I’m not trying to talk down to anybody. I’m just sharing my experience and how I became the MamaZen mom.

Again, thank you so much, Irin, for joining us. It’s been such a joy and a pleasure and what a journey. What a terrific journey for moms of every age. I imagine dads can use your app too.

We do have a section there for the dads. Thank you so much for having me and for bringing this important conversation out there.

Thank you. To our readers, thank you as always for joining us. It is always a joy, a delight and a privilege to spend time with you. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Irin Rubin on LinkedIn
• Irin Rubin on X
• MamaZen
• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• The MamaZen Parenting Method
• MamaZen App on Facebook
• MamaZen App on Instagram
• MamaZen App on Pinterest
• MamaZen Support
• NAMI HelpLine
• Mental Health and Relationships
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Irin Rubin

CEO & Co-Founder, Author of The MamaZen Parenting Method: A 7-Step Method to Stop Yelling, Calm Your Stress, and Raise Confident Kids

Irin is a mom of two and the driving force behind MamaZen®. After battling postpartum anxiety, mom rage, and emotional burnout, she set out to create the tool she desperately needed but couldn’t find. Her bestselling book shares the raw truth of motherhood and the method that helped her overcome this challenges. Irin brings emotional honesty, clarity, and empowerment to MamaZen’s mission—to help moms break cycles of guilt, overwhelm, and reactivity, and instead parent with confidence and calm.