Get Rooted and Restored! Steps to Create Inner Calm

In today’s high-stress world, it’s easy to get stuck in chronic survival mode. We expect ourselves to be more and do more, and often don’t realize the toll this takes on our emotional, mental, and physical health. I’ve learned, from personal and professional experience, that chronic stress and strain can lead you into a state of ongoing nervous system dysregulation that-can become your norm. Today, I’m joined by a highly trained somatic expert and holistic nurse, Samalie Rivera, who will help you discover how to create a compassion-filled, successful life without sacrificing yourself and the balanced, freeing pace you deserve.

Topics discussed include healing, trauma, PTSD, chronic stress, nervous system regulation, nervous system dysregulation, stress, ADHD, stress reduction, self-compassion, self-awareness, self-care, survival mode, fight or flight, polyvagal theory, glimmers, self-judgment, inner-critic, shadow work, somatic awareness, inner peace, mindfulness, and balance.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/samalie-rivera-07254082
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/somatic.nurse.sam/

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Get Rooted and Restored! Steps to Create Inner Calm

In this high-stress world, it’s easy to get stuck in chronic survival mode. We expect ourselves to be more and do more. We often don’t realize the toll that this takes on our mental, emotional, and physical health. Yet, I’ve learned from personal and professional experience that chronic stress and strain can lead you into a state of ongoing nervous system dysregulation and this can become your norm.

In this episode, I’m joined by a highly trained expert who will help you discover how to create a compassionate filled successful life without sacrificing yourself and the balance freeing pace you deserve. For this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real life question. “I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago. My medication helps but I feel like I’m a stress ball most of the time. I’ve tried a lot of breathing and mindfulness hacks, but they aren’t that effective for me. Here’s my question. Do you have any tips that can help me get better balanced and less stress so I’m not constantly running on empty?”

With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love. Please note as this episode may contain sensitive information. Audience discretion is advised. In this episode, I am joined by a wonderful special guest Samalie Rivera. Samalie is a nervous system regulation specialist, nurse, somatic coach, and an ADHD expert who works with those who want to turn down the volume of the effects of ADHD and chronic stress.

Welcome to the show, Samalie. It’s such a joy to have you with us.

I’m happy to be here.

Thank you for joining me and our audience. Before we dive into this important question. It’s one that I hear a lot of my clients talk about and friends talk about it with me. Could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

Thank you for such a great question. What makes me, me is that I am a person that values spirituality and connecting to your internal being and letting that internal being guide you through your life to see what naturally blossoms and just letting your inner guide you. That’s why I love to teach other people to let their inner being or whatever you may call it, guide you in your life.

Thank you. What a beautiful way to start our interview because I am so with you. There was a time in my life many years ago, where if you had had this conversation with me, I’d be saying, “What internal being? What are you talking about? I’m just doing what everybody’s telling me to do.” When you talk about that internal being, we might be talking, as you say, everyone has a different definition for it.

If you don’t have the definition for it or don’t even know what it is, it doesn’t mean you’re flawed or broken. It just means we’re not speaking a language that you might not understand or have words for. Let’s start there. Even though we’re not quite with the reader’s question. If somebody is thinking, “Samalie, what are you talking about? I don’t know what this internal being is. If I do want to know what, how do I find it?”

First of all, we live in a very masculine society or masculine world, where it’s like, go, go, go, do, do, and do. That’s the mind causing us to do all these things. The mind is great. However, when we’re constantly in that masculine goal, it causes burnout. It causes stress and overwhelms. When you drop down into the feminine, that intuition, that intelligence that’s within you and you let that guide your life, then you will have different results.

Also, talking about the feminine and the body and learning the body’s language. We aren’t taught body language. We’ve been so focused on the mind. When we learn the body’s language and let our intuition lead us, guide us and listen to those subtleties within. That’s when we are able to just live a life that feels more grounded, more nourishing and more sustainable. The internal being is that inner stem within that we don’t always hear because of the noise of the world and the noise of the mind.

Chronic stress pushes us into survival mode. True healing begins when we slow down and learn to listen to the body's natural language. Share on X

Thank you for that beautiful explanation because it’s so important. You said it so beautifully. I’ll recap it for readers who may be unfamiliar with it and even those of us who are familiar with it. It’s always good to slow down and remind ourselves that we do have this internal voice that is so easy to get drowned out by constant noise or constant distractions, social media, television, news. Everything that’s coming at us. It’s one of the reasons I like nature so much because nature invites us to turn inward and be with that part.

Now, the other piece that I want to slow down with because it’s one of my favorite topics. As we are talking about the difference between the masculine and the feminine. I remember in my first book, The Joy of Imperfect Love. I was working with the editor and she said, “We can’t have this masculine and feminine energy in here.” Even though it’s a yin and yang concept and Carl Jung wasn’t trying to be sexist about it. There is the sense in our world that if we’re talking masculine and feminine, that those binary terms have something to do with sex or gender.

In fact, the way you’re using them, is we’re talking about the energy no matter your gender. You can have loads of masculine or loads of feminine. You can have a balance between them. It’s in finding that balance, the yin and the yang, as people often say or the masculine, the feminine and the nurture and the power. It’s finding that within the self. It has nothing to do with your gender or your sex. It has everything to do with energy. As you’re saying the masculine is, “Go, go, go and do, do,” if we look at it.

It was the men who had to go out and get the meat to keep people alive, to fight the lions, the tigers and the bears. It was the women who were the nurturers, the caretakers, and the creators. We want to create that balance within the self because if we’re constantly in go, go, go mode. We’re going to get pretty stressed because we’re not meant to be fighting and chasing animals all the time. What’s your take on that please?

My take on getting out of the masculine, I have to say it’s not to abandon the masculine because we do need the masculine. However, topping into your pleasures of life and when I say pleasure, it goes beyond sexuality. It’s like a holistic pleasure. It could be a pleasure eating your food slowly and tasting the food. Noticing the texture, the smell, and even taking a walk in nature and removing all the distractions. Whether that be your phone or anything else that may distract you and doing a mindful walk. Noticing what colors, what patterns, and what animals do you see out in nature.

It’s about taking things slow and also being intentional as you move through life. That could be waking up in the morning and you have a self-care ritual. That is very nourishing for me. I love waking up looking at the sunrise and drinking a cup of tea. It was very tasty. It has a beautiful aroma. I would say slowing down. One more thing is, finding your unique medicine because something may work for me, but may not work for someone else. Doing trial and error for what is nourishing for you.

Thank you for slowing it down and this does take us to the question of the day. When we’re chronically in stress mode, which is that masculine mode that is pushing and doing. We can abandon the self, that side that needs, again, the yin and the yang, the go and the gentle. I also love how you said time in nature because I was talking with a client. She said, “I started walking in the morning on my morning walks without my Airpods in. It’s amazing how much better I feel when I don’t have the noise in my ears. I’m noticing more.” It’s a little shifts. She was so proud of herself.

You don't have to be productive every second. Sitting in the sun and restoring your energy is some of the most valuable work you can do. Share on X

I was so happy for her because she is on the younger end and the simple noticing above the quality of her walk, just being out in nature, how much more restored she felt by taking out the noise in our ears and being present. She said exactly what you’re saying, “I could hear the birds. I could hear other people from far away. I could hear my feet on the dirt and in the grass.” We don’t often have to spend money to get things to soothe us. We can learn all of these little pleasures. Again, you are saying our morning rituals, our evening rituals. Something as simple as brushing your teeth or flossing your teeth. Whatever you’re doing.

If you’re mindful of it, those rituals can be so balancing and take us away from that go, go, go energy that causes the feelings of being overwhelmed and that sense of being constantly stressed. Thank you for pointing that out. When we look at ADHD, even for those who don’t have ADHD. We can get into these patterns and I know your polyvagal expert and you are big on nervous system regulation. How can we look at using nervous system regulation? Please explain the polyvagal theory for those who are unfamiliar with it or need a refresher so that we have some working knowledge here that can help us move forward and get out of that. I call it the hamster wheel. We get on that hamster wheel of stress and we’re going. Let’s get off the hamster wheel. Please explain.

With polyvagal theory, it talks about the vagus nerve that we have then ourselves. When it comes to the dorsal vagal. When it comes to the dorsal vagal, you’re in that collapse, shutdown state where you may find yourself isolating when you’re in a stressful situation. You move up the ladder to sympathetic where it’s mobilized. You’re in fight or flight, and that’s when cortisol, adrenaline is going up. You have this like forward moving motion. We then have our ventral vagal, which is where we want to be. That’s where we are in a state of safety. Being able to socialize and feeling more grounded and present.

Now, what I would say is learning to gain somatic awareness of where you are. For example, a stressful situation arises. Take a moment to pause and recognize am I in a sympathetic response where I just want to run away or even fight or am I a dorsal vagal where you could just want to isolate or even fawn? Which is the pleasing aspect. I’ve been there many times. I would suggest gaining that awareness. Take a moment to regulate yourself with something as simple as a belly breath. Which could regulate your nervous system. Three deep belly breaths.

It’s a very subtle exercise that you could do where no one would notice. You are there and it’s accessible. You’re able to regulate. I would definitely say gain awareness and give yourself some medicine. If you feel very dysregulated, you could go to the bathroom. What I recommend doing especially if you’re in a dorsal vagal state, where your collapse is dancing because we want to mobilize our body. When you’re in dorsal vagal, you tend to be ill mobilized. We want to get that energy up for us to become present in a moment again.

Thank you so much. I like where you started us with awareness because if we don’t slow down to become aware. Are we in a fight? Are we in flight? Are we in freeze? Are we appeased or fawning? We need to know. A lot of these patterns are very old in us. They come from childhood or our trauma base. I know quite a few people who without even realizing it who are in that stress mode. If you ask them, “Are you stressed?” They’re like, “No, I’m not stressed,” but you can feel the energy of the stress. It is about slowing down and saying, “No judgement at all. No judgment of myself or others. What’s going on? Is my heart racing? Am I feeling like I am ready to charge? What ‘s happening?”

It’s being able to say, “Do I need this now? Is this serving me?” I’ve been in this where I’m like, “Go, go, and go,” then, I slowed down. I go, “I don’t need to go, go, and go. I can just drink my tea. I can light my little incense or my candle, and I can be right here, right now.” The pressure to go, go, go was coming from inside. It’s not an external need. It was my brain trying to tell me I had to go. When we realized these patterns are summer from childhood, but many are societal. Where we’re told we’re valuable if we’re going and going. People don’t realize you’re still valuable if you’re sitting.

You’re still very valuable if you’re “not productive.” Sometimes sitting in the sun, being not productive is exactly what you need. Thus, it is productive. It’s restoring you. It’s recharging you. We talked about noticing when we’re in flight mode or go, go, go mode. Noticing when we’re in fight mode. For people who are accustomed to that, it often goes under the umbrella of, “I’m just being aggressive. Our society likes aggressive people.” Notice if your aggressiveness is coming out or you’re being assertive. Are you ready to go after someone? That, too. A lot of cortisol is flooding through. We’ve had the fight, the flight, and the freeze. Take the freeze and appease one for me, please.

I wanted to add nothing else that I forgot to mention, especially for ADHD but for everyone. It’s to give yourself compassion. Compassion will go so far for you, especially during tough times when our body is very dysregulated. The mind tends to have a natural negative bias. It’s gaining that awareness when you are in a negative bias on your spiraling. It’s getting you even more dysregulated. It’s to give yourself compassion. I even encourage people to get an affirmation or mantra that they could use especially during tough times. One of my favorite affirmations is,” My thoughts are real. However, they are not necessarily true.” That helps me move forward and overcome negative thoughts I may have.

Thank you for sharing your mantra. I love that because we often think our thoughts are true. If we think that a negative thought is true and the mind is some supreme King or Queen, that’s telling us the truth. It can keep us going down a rabbit hole instead of having this compassion and saying, “That thought I’m having that I’m not good enough or I’m not worthy or I need to keep going or I’ll die. I won’t survive. I won’t make the next one back.” Whatever it is. Slow down and say, “Is this thought true? Will I be okay if I just stopped for an hour?”

Of course, you’ll be okay, in most cases. If the tigers are not chasing you, you’re probably going to be just okay if you take a break, but we tend to believe our thoughts. Thank you for adding that piece in and for sharing your mantra. I know how important mantras are for stability. Being able to breathe in and breathe out and say, “I am safe. I am loved. I am okay, I am good.” Sometimes our affirmations don’t feel true at first until we learn how to feel them in the body.

I don’t know about you, but when I work with high conflict couples and one or both are going, “I’m not safe.” It’s like, “Take a deep breath in and deep breath out. You might not feel safe and I get that but are you safe right here, right now in this room? Are you safe?” They’ll generally be able to realize they are safe. The room is safe. Their old patterns may feel very uncomfortable, but they’re generally very safe. Being able to notice that in your body when you are safe. Again, stress makes us often feel unsafe. It’s funny I learned so much from my dog when he is truly feeling safe. He’s at my feet. He came in and just sat down. I can hear his big belly breath. That deep breath in and deep breath out.

I’m like, “Freedom, you teach me so much. You remind me of the importance of belly breaths,” and he does. Also, the importance as you were saying. If you’re in a stress space, you can slow down and do something that feels very pleasurable. If you have a pet around or stuffed animal, you know the pleasure of snuggling up to somebody for a puppy dog. Let’s hope a partner’s not too furry, but maybe they are furry. Snuggling with your partner or whatever it might be. Giving somebody a hug or getting a hug. All of these are simple things that can help us self-regulate, down regulate that stressed nervous system in the moment. They can be so accessible if we learn to look for where they are.

I 100% agree. It’s about finding the glimmers as Deb Dana has mentioned in her book, The Polyvagal Theory because we have our triggers that activate us. We then have our glimmers that help to regulate us, ground us and give us comfort. As I mentioned before, taking the time to find your medicine and what your glimmer is and what makes you feel good inside your body. Even in terms of the mantras, something I highly recommend for people if they want to deepen their mantras. Bring the body into it.

That’s sound, breath, and movement because we have these thoughts in our minds and as you were mentioning, we may not believe it, initially. Especially because we have trots energy in the body. The body keeps the score. Movement is so beautiful because it moves that energy and then you’ll have a transmutation. That’s why you may cry or even feel angry because it’s about moving that stuck energy. I would definitely add movement, breath, and sound to make it more semantics. Including your body will make it a deeper, more potent experience.

'My thoughts are real, but they aren't necessarily true.' Use this gentle mantra to halt negative mental loops and stop stressful spirals. Share on X

I thought about Deb Dana’s work. She was on the show. There’s an older episode based on her work with glimmers. Reader’s, if you don’t know what we mean by glimmers, find that episode with Deb Dana. It’s about glimmers. We sometimes have the same glimmers as people around us, but sometimes ours are very unique. Yours might be listening to bird song or as Samalie was saying, cup of wonderful luscious tea.

These are the little things. We’re so used to looking for glimmers by buying things that are temporary. If we learn to look for the little glimmers, those beautiful little moments. I have a plethora of songs, where they’re my glimmer songs. I put one on and I instantly transported. I know the ones that are my energizing songs. If I am in a mood where I want to be energized to move, that stuck energy. Those are the songs, but if I’m in a mood where I want to come down, those songs don’t work for me. The upregulating songs don’t work.

When we learn to choose from a menu of glimmers and to choose mindfully and realize that these aren’t things that need to be done just in the morning or at night. You can do them sitting at your desk. You can do them with your stuck in traffic waiting in line. I was working with a client and was in this high stress situation. I said, “Did you remember to pause in that situation and do your deep belly breath?” Which you were recommending earlier.

Reader’s, a belly breath is when you do the opposite of what we’re taught in society. To hold the stomach tight and strong. We’re doing the opposite of that. We’re just letting our belly float out like a baby would and then a big inhalation filling up the belly. She had remembered to do that. She said what a subtle shift it was. No one knew that she was doing it. She just put her hand gently. It must have been at desks or something. She put her hand on her belly and said she was able to be more focused, clear headed, and more relaxed.

That’s the idea that we want to be able to notice with compassion. Notice what’s happening so we can get off the treadmill. We can get off the little hamster wheel. It can be 30 seconds or a minute. When we look at ADHD, and for those who have never experienced ADHD or we might know somebody with it or worked with a client with it. What would you say are some key pieces for those in the ADHD realm? What might be some special pieces for them?

I’m also a woman with ADHD, so I’m going to say we. We have an interest driven mind. Our brains and our nervous system are wired differently. The ADHD person is very beautiful. We have a lot of strengths. However, at the same time, it could be a bit paradoxical because we have weaknesses as well. Those weaknesses, especially with coaching, we encourage you not to focus on the weaknesses. We encourage you to focus on your strengths and move forward with that.

As I mentioned, before we have a negative bias and then when an ADHD challenge arises, we tend to spiral and feel hopeless and have this self-judgment. We tend to be critical of ourselves. When we focus on our beautiful interests that we have where we become very passionate and hyper focused, lead with that and bring that into the world. That’s one way we could live better lives. It’s about accepting yourself. Learning your brain as a person with ADHD and knowing that your brain is not broken. It does have to be fixed.

It’s about honoring our unique minds that we have. Also, knowing that when we are in the right environment where our strengths are appreciated. We are able to thrive. The neurotypical mind doing a neurotypical job may not be for us. It’s about learning our strengths and going to places and environments and people that appreciate that. Also, loving yourself is also vital. Accepting and loving yourself will go far.

Thank you for that. It’s so important to allow compassion no matter where you are on the ADHD spectrum or if you don’t have ADHD, to realize that this work, we have become over time so divorced from our true self. When we started the show, it’s that self, that beautiful inner light that is relaxed and can be relaxed and soulful. We’ve become so externally oriented but the process of turning inward, even learning to notice how you’re feeling for people like you and me. We’re very used to it by now.

Somebody can say, “How do you feel?” We’re like, “On a scale of 0 to 10, I’m this. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m joyful. I’m a little bit tired.” Whatever it might be. I know when I first start working with someone else, I’ll say, “How are you feeling?” They’re like, “Fine or okay.” We start from this place of being fine or okay or mad. It’s another common one. We realize there are so many other feelings that we can dive into. The more we know our feelings, the more we can know what the medicine is that we need.

I get that you’re talking about medicine in a very holistic way. We’re not talking about a prescription necessarily at all or Western medicine prescription. We’re talking about a prescription that you can give to yourself based on what your needs are. That prescription may be an essential oil. It may be a walk or stretching or some yoga. As you said, it can be danced. All of these little things can be a little bit of time like watering plants. Anything that helps you slow down. For many people, it’s a hobby. I’d like your opinion on this. I noticed that many times people will lean into an activity that may feel beneficial on one end.

For somebody who revs high, they may lean into an activity that’s very high adrenaline like bungee jumping or some mountain bike riding or high intensity sports that perpetuate the fastness. Not that the exercises are good for you. It is, but they move from one very high-stress, high-intensity activity to another. Thus, they don’t have the opportunity to slow down and gain that self-reflection and somatic awareness. What do you think of that? Have you run into that?

ADHD is not a broken brain. When you step into the right environment, your unique wiring and hyper-focus become your greatest strengths. Share on X

To me, when you bring that up, what may you be running from or avoiding? A lot of people are avoidant, especially in terms of emotions. It may be avoidance towards the emotions. Speaking of emotions, I want to add that people with ADHD tend to feel emotions more intensely. A lot of the time, they may not even know how to identify their emotions. What could be very useful for people with ADHD is asking on a scale of 0 to 10, like 0 like neutral and 10 is like, this emotion is very incense. How are you feeling? Also, taking the time to be what you are and start to identify emotions and how these emotions are showing up in you. For example, anxiety. It could erase my heart. You’re feeling jittery. You have racing thoughts. How is this showing up on a mental, physical, emotional, and energetic level?

Thank you for bringing that up and I love how you took it another layer deeper. Often, if we’re on a treadmill and we’re going from one treadmill to another. We are running from something and that’s not said with judgment. It said with absolute compassion. There’s often underneath that unresolved trauma, especially from early childhood that keeps someone in constant flight mode without realizing it.

I also appreciate the part that you brought up about the increased sensitivity that many people with ADHD are highly sensitive people. Me being a highly sensitive person as well, I realize being in a world where high sensitivity is seen as a liability. Once you learn to make friends with it and you don’t demonize it or allow other people to demonize it. You realize that this sensitivity is a gift and you want to protect yourself from people and situations where that’s not respected.

You want to learn to not be highly reactive because sometimes if we’re highly sensitive, we can be highly reactive. That also goes back to being very in your body, able to slow down, take a pause, take a minute here or there and realize that hypersensitivity but it’s high sensitivity. Those people are often told from childhood forward, “You’re too sensitive. You’re too much. You’re too this. You’re too that.” People who are highly sensitive are some of my favorites to work with.

Once they make friends with their sensitivity and realize those voices from the past who told them they were broken for being too sensitive. Those voices, we can do away with them and replace them with, “I want to learn to love my emotions, work with my emotions, and be friends with my emotions. They don’t run me and I don’t run them. We have this nice collaboration together.” It’s a game changer. Again, we go back to your point about the importance of self-compassion. Blame, judgment and those things are not very helpful when we’re trying to move forward in this journey of transformation. They work best. What do you think about that?

The judgment that we have, the inner critic. A lot of this is coming from childhood. A lot of people but not everyone, our whole lives, have these negative, toxic thoughts or these voices that are causing us to feel shame. Shame is very huge and something that a lot of people are experiencing. We have this inner critic. It’s a part of depression. The anxiety that never goes away because these are our parents and even teachers. Especially if you think about ADHD. You may have been seen or viewed as a child that was too talkative all over the place. You need to quiet down.

People are not seeing your gifts and making you small and try to fit like the knurled typical mold. I would just say realizing these thoughts are not your pots. I encourage people to do deep inner work like journal. Specifically shadow work to look at those parts of you that are unconscious or parts of you that may not be your favorites.

These parts of you could be good or bad. I meant to say it’s not good or bad. For example, you could have been taught that being competent or assertive was a bad thing. When you start looking at that part of you and start to work with it and you start integrating it within. That’s when you are able to feel more whole because we are whole. However, when we get told that parts of us are not good. That’s when we start feeling incomplete and feeling just dissatisfied.

True self-care isn't about buying things. It is about pouring into your own cup through tiny, consistent moments of somatic comfort. Share on X

Again, thank you for bringing the shadow work because often, people who were back to that running. The running is often trying to perform, trying to do more and to be accepted. It’s one thing to need to do to pay the bills. That makes perfect sense. Many of us have to work. We have to work hard to make sure we support the kids or whatever it is that’s on our plate. Yet, for many people, it goes into overdrive and that sense of performing to be loved, validated, and to feel whole. That’s where doing the shadow work can help us bring up again with compassion and look at how much of my life is run by not feeling worthy.

How much of my life is run by this deep shame? Shamelessness is very different from embarrassment. Shame is, “I am not good. I am not worthy. “Whereas embarrassment is, “I did something. I fell down the middle of the sidewalk or poured coffee all over me. That makes us embarrassed. We can generally get over pretty easily and laugh at ourselves a bit. Shame is that very deep, “I am not worthy. I am not valuable.” That gives rise to so many negative behaviors as a coping strategy to keep the shame away.

We don’t realize we’re doing it if we’re overusing alcohol and these substances. Overusing food or under using food. These are all things that can help us temporarily avoid shame but it’s not curative in the long run. It creates a cycle of doing the thing whatever it is to keep shame at bay. Sometimes, it’s interesting how even that inner critic is such a customary pattern of criticizing the self to keep the shame down because you’re already working with it and talking at it.

It keeps that in a voice from coming up that you look at and say, “Are these messages true? Am I really a bad human being?” That takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work to get there. How can someone use shadow work to help them regulate their nervous system and reduce stress? At first glance, anybody who’s reading who hasn’t done shadow work is like, “That sounds stressful. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to open that Pandora’s box”. What would you say to that?

Start small and take baby steps. Even if that’s one reflection of going within because shadow work is about going within and uncovering what’s in the unconscious mind. Maybe you ask yourself, what is a pattern that I’ve been repeating that’s been unpleasant for me? Taking the time, I suggest going into a quiet space. Maybe putting relaxing music on and meditating on what is driving this. What is underneath this pattern? Looking at those parts of you maybe as you were mentioning. It might be like feeling unworthy and that’s causing you to people please.

You come home and you’re like, “Why am I people pleasing? What’s driving this? It’s draining me.” Sitting with those parts of you, so start small. Even if you go on Pinterest and look up shadow work. You could get one journal prompt and start there. Build your capacity to go within because that’s what it is. We have to build our capacity because this could be overwhelming for a lot of people, especially if they’re not used to doing this work. A lot of people are numb to their feelings or just themselves. Slowly building back for yourself and being gentle. Be compassionate and know that you’re doing the best that you can with what you have and what you know in this moment, time and space.

Samalie, I love that last piece that was said in such a non-judgmental way. That many of us are numb to our feelings and we are numb to ourselves. Reader, if that feels like it resonates with you. This is not at all a blame or shame, but a gentle invitation to know this notice if you are numbing yourself in some way. Protect yourself from going within. Clear out the old trauma or the old patterns. Even if there’s no trauma from the old critics. Anything that is keeping you stuck in cycles that don’t serve you.

There is no medicine for that. There’s no pill for that but using medicine the way we are, Samalie, and thank you for that. There is a self-medicine within you or within your skillset that you can learn and baby step your way. I love how you encourage that because self-work can feel daunting. It’s like, “I’ve got to go to therapy and handle all of this in three appointments.” That would scare the heck out of me if somebody had said that.

I’ve been doing self-work for decades and I plan to keep doing self-work until my last day because it’s a journey. If we look at it as baby stepping it and a joy, if we go slowly and see it as a way to get to know ourselves. We are cool people, every one of us if we slow it down. We’re sometimes so interested in what to wear, who to be in other people’s lives. What about you? What about that beautiful self that’s inside who wants to be loved and wants to be safe? How cool is that? That’s what it boils down to for most of us.

I agree. I love the journey to ourselves and it’s lifelong. It’s about making that an enjoyable journey. It’s about living the width of your life instead of the length of your life.

I love that. Did you coin that?

No. I heard that somewhere. I don’t know where.

I love that. Living that width of your life, not the length of it. That’s beautiful. The width and the depths, we can build on that. Samalie, I wish we had more time. Are there any other pieces that you’d like to highlight?

I would just tell people to make sure that they are pouring into themselves and not pouring from an empty cup. You want to pour from an overfilling, overflowing cup so you are not depleted. Make yourself a priority. It’s not selfish and you are important.

Thank you. Remember readers, if you’ve heard that piece about self-care is not selfish. Self-care is knowing what you need. It’s not about buying things. It’s about doing things in those little moments. Finding those glimmers that fill you up so that you feel like you have enough to offer the world and offer others.

Those are ongoing practices. The more stressed you are, the more you’re going to need some of those practices until you get used to having a full or nearly full cup most of the time. Even that can feel daunting. Go slowly and maybe notice a song that makes you feel good. A cup of tea or a coffee, sitting in the sun, sitting in the rain or cuddling your pet. Any of those things that fill your cup and do more of them. It’s usually a win-win. Samalie, where can listeners find you and the work you do?

The audience could find me on @Somatic.Nurse.Sam or Oubaitori Wellness. Also, I do have a show that I just released called Pep Talks for the Dysregulated Soul.

Samalie, thank you so much for sharing all of your wonderful wisdom and energy with us. It has been such a joy.

Thank you.

Thank you. To our readers, as always, I feel so grateful to be able to spend time with you. It is my joy. It’s my privilege and my honor. This is Imperfect Love.

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About Samalie Rivera

Samalie Rivera is the founder of Oubaitori Wellness, a somatic coaching and psychedelic integration practice dedicated to women with ADHD. As a Board Certified Holistic Nurse and Health and Wellness Nurse Coach, she combines her training in feminine embodiment and yoga with her extensive clinical experience at a world-renowned psychiatric hospital in New Haven, Connecticut. Samalie helps women navigate the journey from dysregulation and survival mode to a state of pleasure, purpose, peace, and power.

With specialized expertise in interventional psychiatry, including the clinical administration of Ketamine and ECT, Samalie bridges the gap between clinical science and somatic healing. Through Oubaitori Wellness, she offers monthly women’s circles and a structured 3-month coaching container designed for deep nervous system regulation. Samalie is on a five-year path to becoming a Psychedelic-Assisted Therapist and is immersed in her DNP studies. She currently serves as a vital guide for women seeking to ground their healing through embodied wisdom.

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Get Rooted and Restored! Steps to Create Inner Calm

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