Marriage – or any long-term romantic relationship – can be one of life’s most joyful partnerships. Yet, sometimes, what was once a promising union can become more like a roommate situation or worse. If you’re in a romantic relationship that’s gone (or is going) a bit south, today’s episode promises a wealth of actionable relationship and intimacy tips to help you and your romantic life thrive. Join Dr. Carla Manly and relationship expert Monica Tanner for an uplifting journey into discovering the key elements of healthy, genuine love.

Topics discussed include marriage, relationships, compromise, collaboration, advice, intimacy, roommate syndrome, resentment, disconnection, anger, true love, and emotional intelligence.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert in this (or any episode) is offering medical or psychological direction; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with Monica Tanner:

Website: https://badmarriageadvice.com, https://monicatanner.com

Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

—

Watch the episode here

Listen to the podcast here

Has the Spark in Your Relationship Faded? Embrace These Top Tips for Connection!

Top Tips to Foster Love and Relationship Connection!

Marriage or any long-term romantic relationship can be one of life’s most joyful partnerships. Yet sometimes what was once a promising union can become more like a roommate situation or it can be even worse. If you’re in a romantic relationship that has gone or is going South, this episode promises a wealth of actionable relationship and intimacy tips to help you and your romantic life thrive.

In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “Help. I’ve known my partner for twelve years. We’ve been together for ten of them. Married for the last five. At first, we were the best of friends and when we connected romantically, it seemed like the relationship of my dreams. Over time, the sex and fun have faded. We don’t fight. We get along great but I feel like I live with a roommate. My friend says I have it good and should be grateful but I crave more. Am I asking for too much?” With that question is the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love. Please note as this episode may contain sensitive information, reader discretion is advised.

I’m joined by a tremendous special guest, Monica Tanner. Monica is an Author and Marriage and Intimacy expert. She will be talking with us about bad and good relationship advice. Welcome to the show, Monica. It’s such a delight to have you with us.

Thanks so much for having me. I’m very excited to be here.

Monica’s Obsession With Creating Happily-Ever-After Stories

It’s a joy to have you. I’m so excited because this is a great reader question that we’re going to be talking about and one that is so common in romantic relationships. Sometimes, this one sounds like there’s a nice friendship underneath. Sometimes, I get similar questions where there’s not even a friendship underneath. It’s just dissolved, so we’ll see how much progress we can make. Before we launch into that topic, can you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

I was born and raised in Texas. I went to the University of Texas at Austin. I got my degree in Sociology and Child Development. Soon after graduation with plans to get a Master’s, I met my prince charming and he swept me off my feet. We got married and started our family. We had four children. When my youngest went to all day kindergarten, I decided I was going to go back and get a Master’s degree because I wanted to work with marriage and families.

About a year into the program, I decided I no longer wanted to do that. I did not want to be a therapist. I was raised by four therapists. My parents were therapists and they divorced and remarried to other therapists. There was a lot of therapy. I knew what that was and there had been, I don’t know what the word to call it, but coaching was becoming very big. Even talking to my mom who has her PhD and has been practicing there before for several years. She was like, “Coaching is where it’s at. Most of us as therapists are now moving into more coaching.” I was like, “I don’t need a degree for that.”

I dropped out of the program and I became a coach. I am licensed or certified in Relational Life Therapy, which is the modality that I use for my couples coaching. I am getting certified in Sex Therapy and I just wrote a book called Bad Marriage Advice: Debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable and What To Do Instead. I have a show called Secrets of Happily Ever After. What makes me, me is an obsession with helping couples have intimate, passionate, fun, happily ever after love stories.

Now, do you find that it’s perfection based? Do you see that this happily ever after is geared toward having a perfect romantic relationship?

Nothing is perfect. My husband is so wise. He’s been on one episode with me and it was so funny because that host asked me, on a scale from 1 to 10, how would we rate our relationship. I gave it a ten and I was like, “Our relationship is awesome. I have so much fun. I love my husband, my kids and my life. Everything’s great.” He gave it an eight, my husband.

The show was trying to get to the root of the discrepancy and my husband’s like, “Nothing’s perfect. We’re always moving towards something better.” I’m like, “That’s so wise. Of course.” I would not say that anything is perfect. Nothing is completely finished. We’re always working to be better and we always can learn more. I would give our relationship a solid eight moving towards a ten now.

There we go, and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I know my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, that is the whole idea behind it. If we put effort into a relationship, the relationship with the self and others. Whether it’s romance, partner, family or friends, we can evolve and keep evolving. It’s so interesting because just when we think we hit this groove, it’s like, I am in this perfect place. Something comes along or some challenge or some hiccups, you say, “You have more to learn.”

Difference Between Fighting And Disagreeing In A Relationship

What a great response. I appreciate that. I love that your husband came up with the eight. That’s very much in line with imperfect love. Keep working at of all the changes. We look at the question of the day. In your work, what would you say to this reader who’s struggling with this friendship but it’s lost its sparkle and passion?

The part when you read that question, that stuck out to me is where she said that they don’t fight and they get along. To me, when I work with couples, it’s the ones that don’t fight that agree about everything that I worry about the most and here is why. As humans, we’re created so differently. Even if we were to marry our biological twin who was raised in the same household. Get past the point that they’re related, but even if they have the same genetic makeup and they had the same upbringing. They would still see the world in a different way because they experience it in a different way.

No two humans can ever experience everything in the same exact way. You’re going to have different perspectives, different opinions and preferences. When couples tell me that they get along well, that’s one thing, but when they say that they never fight, I always question. Why is it that you don’t fight? Is it because one of you has withdrawn? When you talk about things that you disagree about, it doesn’t go well? Maybe we need to work on some relational skills. Is it because one of you is stuffing down some feelings because you don’t want to rock the boat?

Is it because you feel like not fighting or getting along well is the goal? You’re folding into your partner. What is the reason that we’re not ever fighting or disagreeing about everything? Let’s talk about that. I do think that passion, intimacy and this fun, playful energy that can turn into some erotic energy happens when we disagree. When we both feel very comfortable to be seen, heard, have a difference of opinion, change her mind, be the messy and perfect version of ourselves that we are. Not knowing very much about this couple or their history, that stuck out to me the fact that she did say, “We never fight. We get along well.”

Excellent response. What I appreciate is how you ultimately distinguished between fighting and disagreeing. I say this a lot in my work. Neuro linguistically, fighting brings up the energy of combat war if you lose, I win. Yet if we make space in our relationship where we don’t know we have to fight because that can feel distancing. We make space to disagree, to communicate about how we disagree, why we might disagree and find a common ground, or at least be able to use I-messages, I feel hurt or I feel sad or whatever it is to create intimacy through the disagreement.

Couples who fight are not so problematic because we can teach them how to fight better, fight fair and disagree with respect and kindness. Couples who don’t fight at all or don’t disagree at all, typically, there’s some lack of passion or drive there. That is more concerning to me than couples that come in and say, “We keep having the same fight over and over again. I don’t know if we’re compatible. We’re constantly fighting.” I’m like, “I can work with this.” Couples who are like, “We agree on everything. We don’t ever fight or disagree.” I’m like, “Let’s figure out why.”

To be able to handle conflict in kind ways, in gentle ways and empathic ways rather than in a warring, I’m going to fight you and I’m going to win kind of way. Thank you. That is an important piece. As you said, there may be loads of things underneath. Are they just agreeing so that there isn’t that tension? Tension can be a little bit good. It can help us move, change and feel our own passion. Are they perhaps pressing something down underneath that’s causing resentment and heard?

Building An Intimate Relationship Through Discomfort

Perhaps, maybe they’re in such a comfortable place that they’re not pushing outside that comfort zone. Sometimes outside that comfort zone is where fun and that delight of learning. That discovery can create passion and improve intimacy in a relationship. Thank you for highlighting that. What else did you notice in that question?

You bring up this point. Sometimes with discomfort, people say they want intimacy, which is interesting. In order to have an intimate passionate relationship, we do have to step outside of our comfort zone, meaning we have to be willing to bring our full selves to the marriage and we have to be willing to grow and get uncomfortable in different ways. For example, something that I have started doing in the years is speaking on stages. They say that fear of public speaking is greater than the fear of death. Most people would rather die than to speak in front of a whole bunch of people.

That discomfort and me going through that discomfort and stretching myself and everything that comes with it. We’ve had speaking engagements that I’ve just basically crumbled and been like, “I can’t do it. I’m freaking out about it.” The excitement that comes when I have mastered it. You got up there and did something difficult. All of those emotions and all of that experience for me and having a partner perfectly or imperfectly support me through that has created a lot of passion, respect and excitement in our relationship.

That first engagement was talking about where I just crumbled. My husband wasn’t very supportive at all. In fact, he was like, “Pull out. This is stupid. This is consuming you. You’re not taking care of your other responsibilities.” I was bugged by that. He didn’t support me in the way I wanted support. What I learned from that is that I need to tell him how I wanted to support me because he can’t guess. The next opportunity where I practiced, I felt comfortable and I went up there even though I was scared. I accomplished something and I even got an award for it.

It’s pretty cool, but he supported me in the exact right way. We all grew through that because I did something that was difficult. I also explained how I wanted him to support me through it. I grew as a person and we grew as a couple. There’s lots of examples like that. This couple seems to me like they’ve known each other for twelve years. They’ve been together for 10 and married for 5. Maybe they’ve fallen into a routine where neither of them is growing or pushing themselves or grappling with anything or changing their mind about something. They’ve fallen into a roommate syndrome.

I think of this when I see couples at dinner and they’re not talking about anything, whether the menu. Only surface level conversations. A lot of times it’s because those couples have figured out what they can talk about without creating conflicts and what they cannot. They stay on the surface. They don’t talk about what you are learning now, how you are pushing yourself or what is challenging you, what you are excited about, what’s difficult or what questions in the universe are grappling with.

I love to ask my husband questions like that. What are you reading about? Who’s challenging to work with at work? Who do you talk to that gets your neurons firing? Those are the types of things that we talked about. A lot of times, couples get to a point where they don’t want to bring up difficult topics or challenge each other to think differently about things because they’re afraid of what might happen or they don’t feel safe to have these conversations.

I wonder if these couples have been together a long time and they’ve fallen into a routine. They’re afraid to rock the boat. They’re not sure if they can change their mind about things or how to ask questions that challenge each other. I have a fun challenge that I do for couples that gets them thinking in this direction, but I would say learn something new to get either individually and share it with each other or together. I would advise them to go on date nights. That’s so important.

There’s a lot here. Let’s pause about the part where we get into new territory in a relationship or new territory in the self where you were talking about you, being on stage and how that was uncomfortable for you and challenging you. From that, among other things, you learned, “I need to state my needs to my partner. I need to tell my partner what is happening for me and what I need from them.” That alone is such an important relationship lesson.

Often, we expect our partners to know precisely what we need. Maybe they didn’t know what we needed last year or in situation A. Since we’re always evolving, what we needed last year or now may be different. All of us are able to stay with a partner or a friend or family member, this is where I am. It would feel good to me if you could do X, Y, and Z for me. If you don’t know what you need, at least be able to say, “I need your support. I don’t know exactly what that looks like because I’m so confused and overwhelmed. Could you tell me how you might be able to be there for me?”

I love that you highlighted this as one of the good relationship advice tips, state your need to your partner then you’ve passed the ball to the partner. It is their responsibility in a way to be able to show up as best they can to meet those needs, so thank you for highlighting that piece. The next piece that I wanted to highlight that you brought up was the importance of being able to notice if you’re feeling uncomfortable in a conversation and know that’s not bad.

Feeling uncomfortable when a partner brings up a topic or getting out of that superficiality is a sign of personal growth and relational growth when you can get out of those basic topics or basic patterns. How’s the weather? How’s the sports game? Into those core topics that propel both listener and speaker to dig a little deeper. I don’t know about you in your work, but certainly in mine, it’s one of the key relationship complaints that, “My partner stays surface. I want to go deeper.” It doesn’t just come from one gender. It comes from a variety of clients, male, female, and not specified. They’re saying, “Let me go deeper with you. Let me go into that intimate world. Let me hear you. Tell me what you see in me and I’ll tell you what I see in you. Let’s see how we’re evolving and changing.”

Again, thank you for highlighting both of those. Only because you feel anxious or uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Unless the person is being abusive, then it might simply be a sign that you’re digging into an unknown realm. That too can ignite passion, joy and fun. Thank you for highlighting that.

My pleasure. It is one of the reasons I brought up speaking on stage just because being able to do that was attractive to my husband. Even though it made me show up imperfectly in a lot of ways as I was preparing for that. Me being able to overcome that and grow in that way was attractive to my spouse. My spouse being able to support me in the way that I wanted to be supportive was attractive to me.

Step out of your comfort. If you’re feeling blah in your relationship like you want more, usually that is a sign that it’s time to get uncomfortable. It’s time to learn something new. It’s time to grow in some way. It’s time to question something that feels very stagnant. That’s a great way to stimulate some excitement and interest in your relationship.

That makes perfect sense because often, we’re drawn to partners in the beginning because we see something. We like they’re curiosity. We like their energy, charisma or whatever it might be. If that’s a facade, it’s going to evaporate fairly quickly. As you say, if we get into our patterns, we’re like, “I don’t have to try anymore. I don’t have to work and grow.” Not that you need to be doing things to be attractive to your partner. If you’re doing things that make you feel attractive to you and energize you then your partner, it’s likely that same energy that they fell in love with in the first place.

The Right Way To Handle Compromise In A Relationship

Not needing to reinvent yourself or be a different person, but being your authentic, ever learning and ever evolving self is generally attractive to not only the self, but others because it stimulates that joy that makes you radiant and glow. Again, that’s a terrific tip. A question for you. When you talk about bad marriage advice, bad relationship advice, what would you say is one of the most unhelpful types of relationship advice that you tend to see?

Thank you for this question. You’re bringing up my book, Bad Marriage Advice. It has a lot of bad marriage advice in it, but as we’ve been talking, maybe for this couple that were answering this question for. One of the worst things I feel is pieces of marriage advice that I hear all the time. When you ask an older couple, like a sweet older couple, that they’ve done a great job and are happily married after multiple decades. A lot of times they’ll say, “You have to learn to compromise.” I just want to go, you don’t have to compromise. You never ever have to compromise.

This is outdated advice because maybe at some point that was necessary but it no longer is. We have so many resources and so many options these days. No matter what topic you’re talking about, whether it’s how to educate your kids, where you’re going to live, how you’re going to work and where you’re going to eat for dinner. There are so many options, so I don’t think you’ll ever have to compromise. Compromise to me means I give a little and you give a little. We don’t give it a lot of thought. We just end up with something that neither of us wanted when the alternative is to collaborate.

What that looks like is I get curious about my position, my ideas. Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself. You’re like, “I feel strongly about this. I’m not sure why. Let me think about this. Maybe it’s because of how I was raised. Maybe it’s because of an old relationship.” I feel strongly this is my position on how this should be done. Get curious about your position and about your partner. What do they feel strongly about? Why do they feel so strongly about it? What is great about the way they’re seeing it differently than I am?

Also get curious about what are my reservations about my partner’s position and what are their reservations about mine. Once you get all of that out on the table, you get creative in resources. I bet we can come up with some cool creative way to solve this problem. That’s better. It takes the best of what you feel strongly about and the best of what I feel strongly about. We can create a solution that’s better than either of us could have come up with on our own. That’s why they say two is always better than one. If you see your partner as this annoying person who has different ideas than you do and why can’t they just think about it like I do? You’re cutting off so much of that creative energy that you could use to come up with something cool.

I hear you. I can see how you can learn and grow by jumping into other people’s point of view. That’s always necessary. Think about like a home remodel or anything, where you get two heads coming in and one person’s perspective may be a bit myopic. When you bring in the other person’s perspective, they may add some fire to it, some life or some richness. Whatever it is. In that way, I’m very much in agreement.

On the other hand, I also personally see that compromise, whether it’s in politics, relationships and friendships, sometimes finding them thinking of vacation time with a girlfriend or something. They want to go to this place and I want to go to that place, until we put our heads together. We ultimately have been successful, both romantically and in friendship. Find a solution that is a compromise because it’s something that feels good.

It might not be in a trip that the other person could not afford or somebody else can’t afford, but you find something. The skills of compromise, again from my advantage point as the clinical psychologist. That’s just my experience, that helping people work that muscle of not needing it to be my way or the highway.

Sometimes coming to that middle place, that compromised space can be good, not only for the self-esteem of this individual, but also for the other individual who feels like, “I didn’t have to win or lose. I was able to find something in the middle. It felt good to give a little bit.” In certain sorts, but that’s my own take on it but I appreciate yours. What’s number two of the bad relationship advice?

Can I challenge you just a little bit on your compromise?

Absolutely.

I can see how you would say that like this idea of compromise. I give an example of this in the book in how my husband and I created this template for collaboration. It does take a little bit of extra work to collaborate versus to compromise. The example that I give was our seven year wedding anniversary. My husband planned this trip to San Francisco for our anniversary dinner and it was awesome. I grew up in a family that eats a lot of seafood. When we go to San Francisco, which is where my mom was born. I like to eat at an expensive seafood restaurant that’s on the wharf, overlooking the water. Watching the sunset set over the bay is like the coolest thing that you could ever do.

My husband doesn’t want any part of that. He doesn’t like seafood. He doesn’t like spending a lot of money on dinner. For him, my idea of the perfect anniversary dinner is horrible. He doesn’t like it at all. We could compromise. We could have compromised. To me, that would look like going to a less expensive restaurant that maybe isn’t on the wharf that may be served seafood and something that he would like to eat. That would be a compromise. When I say compromise, I mean we don’t give it a lot of thought. We just give in like he doesn’t want to spend a lot. He doesn’t like seafood. Let’s make sure that there’s an option for him.

Now, with a little bit more effort, what we came up with, I got to choose the restaurant so I got exactly what I wanted. I got to eat crab legs in a fancy restaurant overlooking the water during the sunset for my anniversary. My husband walked across the street to In-N-Out. He grabbed a burger, a shake and fries, which is exactly what he wanted to eat and he brought it into the restaurant. Now, the waitress was like, “Sir, you can’t bring that in here.” He was like, “It’s our anniversary and my wife chose this restaurant and I would like to eat with her.” She was like, “Give me one second.”

She went to the kitchen, got a plate, went to the bar and got a nice glass. Poured his milkshake into the glass, plated his burger and fries. We sat there and enjoyed the most amazing dinner that was everything that was important to me and everything that was important to him. That is an example of a collaboration. There’s no scorekeeping involved. There’s no like, “I had to give up this time so you have to give up that.” It’s just in our modern society the way that things are settled now. There’s no reason why people have to compromise. Now, that doesn’t mean always getting what you want, but it does mean what’s most important to me and how can we both get what is most important to us?

We’re in an interesting way on the same page. It’s a matter of linguistics. To me, in compromise, there is inherently collaboration.

That’s where we’re differing because when people compromise, they just meet in the middle. They’re not specifically thinking about what it is that they are giving.

I hear you. It’s not my definition of compromise. Rather than get stuck on this point, it’s probably better for the readers if we move past it and just agree that compromise in certain situations can work. It doesn’t have to be a negative collaboration. It can be terrific. It doesn’t necessarily have a positive outcome if we collaborate.

It means we’re just bringing our heads together. It may or may not create a resolution but I hear you. I hear you and I hear that it’s part of your paradigm. I love it. It’s important and bring that spirit of collaboration into any relationship where it’s two heads coming together, which again can lead to a compromise, or it cannot. Either way.

It’s just a beautiful way to look at it energetically, let’s make this something that feels good to both people, so that the outcome feels good. Whether it’s a compromise or a collaboration, if one person is left feeling resentful, then it’s the energy. The energy we want in the end is for both partners to feel, “It doesn’t matter if I got my way. It matters that this feels good to both of us.”

It’s interesting because I was just speaking to my husband and he did something. He says, “I did this because I love you.” It wasn’t a loss to him or to me. It was just the energy behind it, which was his tiny act of love and kindness. When we bring that energy, especially if one person wants A and the other person wants B. If we bring that energy of, “I want to come in here because I love you.” That makes a big difference.

It’s being seen, heard and understood. That’s what we always want.

How To Skillfully Communicate The Things You Need And Want

Yes, rather than fighting and needing to have your own way. If you’re stuck in a place where, “I must have my own way at all costs.” That might breed resentment. What’s another tip?

We were talking earlier about knowing how to ask for the things that you want. That’s so important. Sometimes, we come into marriage with this fairytale idea that if we chose the right partner and they love us enough. They’re just going to know the things that we need or how to deal with us or talk to us. That’s the second chapter in my book. I wrote the book for my son and his wife. They just got married months ago and we were talking about the book. They appreciated the second chapter because in there, we talked about how sometimes we’re just grumpy for no reason. It doesn’t have to do with our partner or it could have to do with something totally different. How do we want our partners to respond to us when we’re grumpy?

My son told this cool story about how they were dating and she was upset about something. He felt like she was upset with her and didn’t know how to respond. Not only did he feel helpless on how to help her, but then she was upset about how he didn’t help her. She was saying, “I am working on telling him like, ‘here’s what I’m upset about. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, but if you said this or did this, it would help me.’” He was like, “It was like the ultimate cheat code. I love that she told me exactly what I could do to help her feel better. Now I have the keys to the Kingdom.”

It’s important to learn how to skillfully ask for the things that we want or need in our relationship. Not just expect that our partners are going to know. You brought up a good point because they might remember what would have helped a year ago but you could need something different at this point. Instead of leaving hints or getting disgruntled when our partner doesn’t show up the way we want them to. Why not just give them the cheat code?

I like how you’re tying it back to earlier, where being able to say to a partner, absolve the partner the responsibility. If they see something and they notice something and they know that they caused her feelings. It’s okay for them to step up and say, “I realize I took a pot shot at you or I was sarcastic. I’m sorry. What can I do for you?” If something’s happening inside of you, you’ve had a bad day. You’re worried about something. You think a partner’s flirting with somebody at work or whatever. It’s absolutely okay.

In fact, it’s vital to bring up how you’re feeling in a responsible way. Using those I-messages like, “I feel sad. I feel confused. I’m a little concerned.” Whatever it might be. When we use those I-messages, we’re coming from a place that makes the partner feel likely more relaxed rather than instigating their defense mechanisms.

Most importantly, everybody talks about you using those I-messages, but what’s important to understand about using the I-messages is what’s effective. You’re taking responsibility for your feelings, for the story you’re making up or for what’s happening. Instead of saying, “You always do this. You never do that. You don’t help.” It’s saying, “I feel like I’m doing this on my own.” You’re taking responsibility for how you’re feeling in that moment or how you’re interpreting the situation. That’s what brings down the defense of the other person. It’s taking responsibility.

How I-Messages Can Elevate Your Relationship

Readers, if you don’t know what an I-message is, you may have heard it as mirroring or reflective listening. It simply means you do your best to tune into how you’re feeling in the moment and then speak that truth to the other person. They don’t have to agree with anything you say. They simply reflect back. They are the mirror. They say, “I hear that you’re feeling sad. Did I get that right?” Not only are you tuning into yourself and taking responsibility, but accessing your feelings. You’re offering the feeling statement and if there is a reason like, “I feel sad because you forgot my birthday.” It would feel good to have a cake or whatever it might be.

It gets the conversation going, and then the mirroring continues until you’re heard then it’s the partners turn to speak. It helps bracket all of that messiness with I said, you said, he said, she said, and all of that stuff. I-messages allow you to drop into that feeling state, access how you’re feeling and let your partner know. It can feel clunky at first. It is a bit more laborious than regular conversation, but once you get used to it, it helps with connection and clarity. What do you think, Monica?

I love that. I teach my clients a lot of tools around this. It’s hard because it’s not how you hear people talk out in the world. It’s not how you probably heard your parents speak to one another. There’s not a lot of modeling for this type of speaking back and forth to one another. Even if you do it badly or even if you learn the skills and you mess them up a little bit. You’re still so much further ahead because you are taking responsibility. You are trying to understand your partner’s position. You are listening or understanding and not responding in a certain way.

I’ve had couples that take a lot of practice to be able to speak in this way. It’s because it’s something new. It’s more relational and more connecting. It creates more intimacy. I like to tell a story. When my husband and I first got married, he was very securely attached. He came from a family with a lot of love. He never questioned like, “Is there enough love here for me?” Everybody loves him. That’s just how that is because that’s how he grew up. I came into the relationship very anxiously attached. This will lead back to the advice in my book. We got the advice to never go to bed angry.

I remember clinging to that because a lot of older couples came through the line and said, “Don’t ever go to bed angry.” We’d be nitpicking at each other late at night and he would just be like, “I got to go to bed.” He would just turn over and be able to sleep. All of my panic responses would be like, I felt super abandoned in that moment. I’m also thinking, “The people who are good at marriage told us we should never go to bed angry and you’re just going to abandon me?” I would spiral.

It wasn’t until I realized that I was having this experience that he had never had before. He couldn’t possibly understand what was happening inside of me because it wasn’t his experience. When I finally got very vulnerable and was like, “Let me explain to you my experience, what happens to me inside of my body when you just roll over and go to sleep. All of a sudden, my whole body starts to just tingle like you’re going to leave me. You’re going to wake up in the morning and be like, ‘This is too much trouble. I’m out of here,’ because that was my experience. It doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.”

Once he understood that, he was like, “Oh.” Here’s the thing. I was using I statements. I was explaining it like, “This is my experience and I take full responsibility. I know it sounds irrational but to me, it makes so much sense.” He was like, “I can totally understand because of your experience how you would interpret my actions of going to sleep.” It wasn’t me accusing him of anything. It was just like, “This is what happens to me.” We could come up with a cool way to handle that situation, which is, “I love you. I’m not going anywhere but I’m too tired to figure this out with you, so I’m going to go to sleep. I suggest you go to sleep and we can talk about this in the morning.”

My whole nervous system was like, “This is a new experience,” and then we would talk about it. We learned to trust and it was so cool. That’s the type of having I statements and taking responsibility for your own responses and your own interpretations. The story you’re telling yourself and the experience that makes a difference.

Readers, I just want to call out. Notice how Monica said that her husband came from a place of secure attachment? If you’re coming safe from an anxious attachment and your partner is securely attached, those healthy conversations. Those repairs are much easier. For example, if you have a partner who’s avoidant, that very dismissive avoidance style, then you may run into someone who says, “Deal with it on your own. Forget it. I’m going to sleep. I don’t care how you feel. Get out of here. Whatever it is.”

Which would trigger you all the more. I just want to call attention to the healthy use of I-messages. Not that you want to get away from that. That’s always a good tool but Monica had a lovely outcome because she had a husband who was highly communicative, had a sense of deep secure attachment, and who was able to respond in a healthy way.

Am I Asking Too Much In A Relationship?

If there’s a person with less vibrant and emotional intelligence, you may find that conversations like that. Don’t have that delightful outcome because the other person doesn’t yet have this skill. Now, Monica, looking back just as we wind down to the reader’s question again. Looking at their question and they’re saying, “Am I asking for too much? Should I just be okay with this?” What would you say?

That is another byproduct of that complacency or wanting to not rock the boat or ask for too much. If you’re asking, am I asking too much? The answer is no. You’re not asking too much. Maybe asking for more is what would add some vitality into your relationships. Being willing to rock the boat a little bit, to ask for what you want, to put yourself out there is a very vulnerable request. It’s like saying, “I feel like we’re a little stagnant. I feel like I want more out of this relationship. How can we work together to make it more vibrant, more exciting and more fun for both of us?” It’s a wonderful thing to ask and a great place to start.

I am absolutely with you because once we are able to know our needs, state our needs and be willing to enter that. Sometimes muddy territory of figuring it out, then it’s up to the partner. If we’re being quiet and saying, “I want more sex. I want more passion. I want more fire.” If we’re not stating that, the other partner doesn’t know they’re in the dark. Once you’re able to state it in a kind way like, “I’d like to have sexual intimacy with you more often. Twice a week would feel good instead of once every other month or whatever is happening.”

Not doing it in a shaming way, but saying, “This would feel good to me, or I’d like more play days,” or as you said earlier, more date nights. If the other person is wanting to bring the marriage to life, they’re going to jump in and have questions like, “Let’s get on board. I’m not sure how to do this but let’s figure it out.” If they’re not into it and they just want to be complacent. That’s where seeing a marriage therapist or relationship therapist might help you see ways to come together and move forward. Rather than instantly saying, “This is never going to work. I am out of here.”

Agreed.

There Is No Shame In Asking For Help

As we wrap up, any final tips, Monica, for our readers?

There is no shame in asking for help. A lot of times we get to a point in our relationship where we just feel stuck over, “We’re not happy and we’re not sure why.” It’s very courageous to be able to reach out and say, “We need some help, some guidance.” Therapists and coaches are not necessarily that they know more. I tend to think of myself as a fellow traveler. My relationship is my laboratory for everything that I’ve learned, but it’s just that we have a perspective.

I always say, “You can’t see the label from the inside of the bottle.” If you’re caught in a dynamic that feels uncomfortable to you, ask for some outside help. There’s no shame in that. It’s very courageous and a sign of deep commitment. I would say to anyone who’s reading who feels like, “We’re not fighting, but I just want more. Is that okay?” It’s okay. Ask for some help.

Again, I agree 100%. One of the most courageous and vital parts of any relationship is knowing just like a car needs a tune-up or any appliance needs a tune-up or a house needs cleaned. We need a garden. It needs sawed intended to and weeds pulled. Why would we think that our relationships, that most important foundation of our lives, would take any less tender, love and care? Whether you’re in a relationship for a year, 10 years or 20 years, if something’s off and you can’t sort it between you.

Get In Touch With Monica

It’s great courage and strength and saying, “Let’s go and get some check-up done here and see if we can find our way out of this little lucky period with some help.” For people who can’t afford therapy, there’s so many free resources out there and books that for a cost of a couple of cups of coffee, you can get a great book to help guide you to stimulate conversation. There’s so many resources. Monica, where can our readers find you?

Thank you so much. You can find me on my website as my name, MonicaTanner.com. I have a show which is a great free resource just like this one, as well as my books. I have programs that range from very inexpensive like the cost of a cup of coffee to being working with me. I do offer a skill as well. You can find out all of those things at MonicaTanner.com.

Monica, thank you so much for joining us. What a joy and a privilege.

Thank you. This has been such a fun conversation.

Thank you. As always to our readers, thank you so much for journeying with us in this beautiful way, learning to evolve and become more who we want to be. Thanks again. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Monica Tanner’s Website
• Monica Tanner on Instagram
• Monica Tanner on Facebook
• Bad Marriage Advice: Debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable and What To Do Instead
• Secrets of Happily Ever After on Apple
• Secrets of Happily Ever After on YouTube
• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• NAMI HelpLine
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Monica Tanner

Monica Tanner, RLT trained, Relationship Coach and host of the “Secrets of Happily Ever After” podcast, transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her engaging podcast, new book, “Bad Marriage Advice,” vibrant social media community, and couple’s coaching practice, Monica’s expert guidance has impacted thousands of couples, by helping them ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily ever after love story.