Identity Shift: Becoming Your Best Self

Are you living your best, most authentic life? When it comes to success, attractiveness, and other externalities, it’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people. But when we judge who we are by others’ appearances, achievements, or highlight reels, self-judgment intensifies and only makes things worse. Yet you can learn how to avoid judging yourself and your worth and, instead, tune into what’s truly right for you. Today’s guest, Alina Z, is a board-certified health and life coach, life stylist, and award-winning chef. As we journey through this episode, Alina will help you discover and grow the amazing self and life you’ve been craving.

Topics discussed include self-love, self-identity, personal identity, soul, archetypes, achievement, creativity, inner knowing, soul, transformation, personal change, luxury, life styles, authentic self, self-care, self-growth, eating disorders, binge eating, healthy lifestyle, self-alignment, and wellness.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

—

Listen to the podcast here

Identity Shift: Becoming Your Best Self

The Trap Of Comparison And Judgment

When it comes to success, attractiveness, and other externalities, it’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people. When we judge who we are by others’ appearances, achievements, or highlight reels, self-judgment intensifies and only makes things worse. Yet, you can learn how to avoid judging and criticizing yourself and your worth. You can learn how to lean into creating the person and the life that you’ve been dreaming of. Our guest is a Board-Certified Health and Life Coach, plus Award-Winning Chef, will help you discover and grow into the amazing self and big, beautiful life that you have been craving.

In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I’m not happy with myself on the inside or outside. The only thing I have going for me is that I have a good job and one good friend. Other than that, I have to be honest that my life is pretty crappy. I do a lot of binge eating to make myself feel better, but I want to break out of this habit. I feel like I’m wasting my life and living small. How can I get out of this rut?” With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly, and this is Imperfect Love.

I am very excited to introduce a special guest, Alina Z. Alina Z is a Board-Certified Health and Life Coach. She’s also a Detox Specialist, Lifestylist, and Award-Winning Chef. Welcome to the show, Alina. It’s such a delight to have you with us.

Thank you, Dr. Carla.

Before we launch into this wonderful topic that I’m sure resonates with many readers on some level. Can you tell our listeners just a little bit about what makes you, you?

It’s a very good question. As a chef and a lifestylist, I talk to people about what makes them. I look at it as a recipe. It’s a recipe that consists of so many different ingredients, but also the way they’re prepared and the energy that’s put in them. I feel like God, energy, whoever created me, made me, me by putting all these different ingredients and all the different energies. The combination of them is what’s unique about me. There are different characteristics and the way I am. I can go into detail if you want, but that’s how I see it. There’s no other dish like me.

I love the way that you put that. I’ve never heard that before. I like it because it helps us see. I’m into describing things through analogies and metaphors. When we look at the way you describe it, you are a unique dish. Some of the ingredients, some of the pieces, came from elsewhere. You were born. You were brought in but we are in charge of how we cook our lives, how we spice our lives, and how we create the dish we want to be.

If we get stuck, as we’re talking about the reader’s question in comparing our tostada, our salad, or our beautiful spaghetti dish or our pizza, to somebody else’s. We are not looking at our own life, our own stuff, and saying, “What ingredients could I add? What ingredients do I want to take away? What spices do I want to add?” It’s a beautiful way of looking at it. Thank you. I have a question for you. I personally have never heard of a lifestylist. I can imagine what that means, but could you say more about what you do? I understand what a health coach, life coach, detox specialist, and certainly an award-winning chef does. Can you also tell me what you do as a lifestylist?

This is one of my favorite things to do since I was a little girl. I used to love to give people advice. I would put a camera up and I would just teach them how to find a doll. I also loved clothes. I always liked to style clothes, to make my own clothes for the dolls. I hid that part away as I was going into health, helping people, and doing all these good things in the world. The part that made me so happy with fashion went to the side, then I decided to learn about styling.

I learned that how people see and understand you is 70% what you look like, 20% how you talk and act, and only 10% what you say. Styling your clothes becomes a conversation. It becomes a part of your own nonverbal story that you tell people. I decided to learn more about styling, then I decided, “I don’t want to be a stylist. I don’t want to be a chef. I don’t want to just be one thing.” None of us are just one thing. All of us need to eat and dress, unless somebody lives in the Himalayas and is a breatherian.

Defining The Lifestylist Approach

Most of us are in public, and people always, no matter what you wear, will have a story about you. I put it all together as a lifestylist. I teach how to eat for your body type, how to dress for your body type, how to dress for your color type, and how to eat and dress for your archetype. Also, how to style your whole life and how you style your whole house. Everything is always a reflection of your soul and who you are inside. You show it on the outside, then I style that so there is coherence.

You don’t have to apologize for who you are. People just see you and think, “I see exactly who you are. I get you.” People don’t like other people when we pretend to be somebody we’re not or when we’re trying to be a salad when you are a very spicy enchilada. If you show yourself as an enchilada outside, people will not be surprised by biting into it. They’re like, “I like it.” If you dress as a salad, but inside it’s an enchilada. People will be shocked, and they won’t like it. It’s about styling the two.

It’s an interesting perspective. Part of me is going, “I want to dress how I want to dress regardless of how other people perceive me.” Speaking on my own behalf and maybe other readers. It’s funny that my brain is going at first to, “I don’t care how others perceive me. I want to dress myself.” That is exactly it.

If I am hearing you, then we make that next step. It doesn’t mean you need to wear Chanel. It doesn’t mean you cannot wear jeans. It doesn’t mean anything. It just means finding out what your authentic style is. If that’s sweats and tennis shoes, then embrace the sweats and tennis shoes. That’s beautiful. I love dresses. It’s my thing. If you love dresses, and I love boots.

I remember a client once asked me. I always laugh thinking about it. The whole time she knew me. I wore boots every day. She finally said, “Could I ask you a question?” I said, “Sure.” She said, “Are your legs deformed?” I said, “No, my legs are in pretty good shape. Why?” She said, “You always wear boots.” I said, “Oh.” It was a funny question that from her perception, someone who wore boots all the time might have a disfigurement. It’s funny that we then realize how others perceive us is fine. They can have their perceptions, and we don’t have to be concerned about it because we are just being who we are. As you said, if you’re an enchilada, be the enchilada.

If you’re the vegetarian salad, raise your hand, that’s me. That’s who I am. No apologies. If you’re a non-drinker, so many people I know apologize. I choose not to drink. Many people working with that issue say, “I don’t feel okay with my friends when I’m not drinking because everybody wants me to drink.”

I’m thinking, “If we’re talking about this today and the reader’s question, that’s about you being in alignment with yourself. If your self is saying, “Don’t drink. You don’t like it. You don’t like the taste. You don’t like the calories. You don’t like the health. Whatever it might be.” Stay in alignment with you. Self-alignment is the win-win. What do you think?

Why Peer Pressure Is A Distraction

For those people who question the same thing, “What will my friends think?” Ask yourself, how does putting something in your body affect somebody else? Why would it affect somebody else’s enjoyment of their time or what you’re putting or not putting in your body? How does me drinking water and not vodka affect you? It’s the problem.

Stop judging who you are by someone else's highlight reel. Share on X

The thing is, what I find is when we are in alignment, we always have to ask ourselves three questions. You have to have a good time. You always have to say, “Yes, this is for me. I’m having a good time.” You’re not hurting yourself, and you’re not hurting anybody else, then you’re clear. It shouldn’t matter what you do, as long as you’re not hurting anybody, you’re not hurting yourself, and you’re having a good time.

If somebody feels that is wrong, then it’s usually on them. Again, if you want to wear pajamas and you have a board meeting. You want your board to approve your new strategy for how you’re going to invest the money that you just made or how you’re going to increase the revenue. You have to think about what you want to tell with your outfit as a nonverbal story to gain that trust. That’s why I love the work with archetypes, the twelve archetypes by Carl Jung, because archetype just means main character.

People read you as that character, and then they respond to you as that character. Subconsciously, they just see you, they read you, and they respond to you. If you need something from someone, consider how you want to be perceived but still in alignment with yourself. If you like dresses but you have to be in a board meeting.

Putting a little jacket over it will make it more aligned, but it will still keep your essence. If you have to go to a party and don’t want to drink, you just go ask the bartender, “I’m going to have a virgin margarita all night long. Refill mine. I’m not going to tell anybody if it’s virgin or not virgin. I’m going to enjoy my life without making a big deal out of it. Who cares what I’m drinking?”

You have to consider what the situation is, how your behavior is affecting somebody, and whether you care about it or not. If you don’t, do whatever you want. I love being too much. If somebody says, “You’re too much,” I’m thankful. Somebody once told me, “You’re high maintenance,” and I was like, “Thank you.” That’s great. Ferraris are high maintenance. Toyotas aren’t.

Nothing wrong with Toyota or Ferrari. I just choose to be me. If everybody allowed themselves to be themselves, then those people who are saying to you, “Why aren’t you drinking? Why are you wearing these dresses? Why are you wearing these boots?” If those people were being themselves, they wouldn’t even care about what anybody else is doing because they’re already fulfilled.

Cravings are not a problem. They are a gateway to your biggest dreams. Share on X

I agree with you. Many times, people end up criticizing and judging other people as a defense mechanism for not going inside and working on whatever’s ailing them, bothering them, or stuck in their own lives. It’s easy to turn the focus on what other people are doing “wrong.” They’re just being themselves.

Two of the people that we’ve talked about, who I hear it so much and I feel bad, where they go into a social situation. They feel compelled to drink because the friends are saying, “Drink. You’re not being fun.” They feel anxious. Perhaps they were already anxious because they’re more toward the introverted side. They drink to pacify their friends.

Now they’re drinking to quell their anxiety and hardwiring in this unwanted pattern of, “I need to drink to quell anxiety or I need to eat too much to quell anxiety.” You’re also giving in to friends who are used to using peer pressure. It’s one of the oldest techniques around to make you conform into someone or some way of being that you don’t want to be.

You help someone in all areas of their lives get styled so that their inner world feels aligned with who they want to be, with who their soul is calling them to be. What does soul mean to you? Going back to this piece, if the person is then aligned with themselves, and this is a journey that I’m always on. I’m always staying aligned with my inner self.

Sometimes I get out of alignment, then I work to come back. It’s that constant coming back. You’re also saying to ensure that the food you’re taking in, the diet that you eat sustains you in a way that is right for your place in life and who you are, because we don’t have the same needs when we’re fifteen as we do when we’re 45 or 85. The other piece you were saying, which I agree with, is that our environments are important.

If we like nature around us, tidiness, clutter, neutral tones, or upbeat tones. It’s about having your life around you. I left out the clothing. It’s also about being in clothes that feel good on your body. Not clothes meant for someone else to wear, but clothes that you put on and your body says, “This feels good.”

Simple Shifts To Change Your State

When you change how you dress, when you change how you eat, or if you’re not happy, that is. If you’re happy, don’t change anything. When you change how you eat, how you dress, and how your environment is, you think differently, feel differently, act differently, and create a different life. These things are so easy to change. When you go to a grocery store, for example. It’s very easy to pick this food or that food.

You don't need to apologize for who you are. Own your essence. Share on X

It’s not an extra step. You go into the grocery store and you’re just picking something. It’s the same motion as choosing how you put in the food, or how you dress yourself. You either pick a white jacket, a black jacket, or a red jacket. You pick something. It’s not a huge change in action, but it’s a huge change in the result of how you feel. It’s the quickest way to change a state because I always tell the story of Cinderella.

Cinderella changed all three. She changed her shoes, her dress, and her carriage. The environment changed. She got into a palace. The prince would not see her if her outside did not match her beauty inside. Her sisters, who weren’t beautiful inside, weren’t noticed even if they wore beautiful gowns because there was no match. She quickly changed the dress, the shoes, and her life. If people say, “Alina, I want to lose weight. I don’t want to buy new clothes.”

Shoes and accessories can also change your life. If she wore clogs with a dress, it wouldn’t have the same emotion. It’s the shoes. Usually, shoes set the outfit. It’s so easy to change your life with a pair of shoes, by changing how you eat for your body type to align your energy, and by changing a little bit in your outside environment. Life can change so quickly with that.

That makes sense. I’m thinking of Audrey Hepburn. When she started, she didn’t have a lot of money. Someone can fact-check me on this. Let me know. I believe she had a black skirt and some white tops, and did a lot with various scarves and styles. We still look at her and see her, at least I do, as an icon of class and timeless beauty. It didn’t have to cost a lot of money.

She didn’t have a lot of money. She had been through a lot in life. It worked for her. I also love the piece when we look at Cinderella. Even when the prince came back and he saw her in rags. I believe it was him or the coachman, the shoes still fit. They were still able to recognize her beautiful soul quality. The fact that she was a good, kind, wonderful human being who was beautiful in rags and beautiful in a gown.

I always think of the comment someone once made, “Pretty is as pretty does.” That is so true because you can be the world’s most gorgeous or handsome person, but if you’re acting in a horrific way, I personally won’t find that person attractive. The attractiveness, as you said, is the soul quality. It’s how you’re working on yourself, how you’re showing up then you get this beautiful package together. It’s just like that meal. Again, we’re back to talking about meals. The presentation matters.

It’s all together. If you have to have the right ingredients, you have to be the right person inside. You have to match the outside. It’s the combination of everything. That’s what makes us so juicy. Every one of us. We don’t compare ourselves to anybody else.

I love that you keep saying that because that is such a key piece. Readers, you’re not like anybody else. You don’t need to be like anyone else. I say, thank goodness you’re not like anybody else because if we had all of these people who looked exactly the same, all looking like one particular supermodel. You might as well go to a factory and order.

How boring life would be. I love being able to see and appreciate the beauty. When I walk or hike, I see so many people and different body types and kiddos. They’re all beautiful, especially the ones that are smiling. They’re out there enjoying it. It’s just like, “That person is so beautiful.” It doesn’t have to do with how they fit into a magazine cover. Let’s move for a second, Alina, before we circle back to the reader’s question.

When you talk, I was trained as a Jungian psychologist. I’m a depth psychologist. I’m very familiar with archetypes and Carl Jung’s work because that’s one of my greatest loves. Can you explain to our readers what you mean when you talk about archetypes. You specifically, the twelve archetypes. Give a short course in that if you don’t mind.

Understanding Your Archetypes

The way I see it, there are two types of archetypes. We each go through the twelve archetypes in a Hero’s Journey. For example, when you start first grade, you’re the innocent archetype. You don’t know anything and you’re excited about school. You go through the journey of experiencing yourself through different ways and different lenses. At the end, you finish school and become the sage archetype, who went through everything and knows everything. In 12th grade, you’re like, “I am the jester archetype. We’re just having so much fun. Everything is great. I’m on top of the world,” then you start over again when you go to your first job. You have to start over.

We also have these archetypes that we each carry throughout our lives. For example, I also do this by your birthday, which is a fascinating system. When someone gives me their birthday, I can tell them if they’re being an innocent archetype throughout their entire life, or the caregiver archetype, or the ruler, or the magician. When we look at these archetypes, if you ask someone in your town, “Can you describe what a ruler looks like?” You ask someone across the world, “What does a ruler look like in a tribe?”

Everybody will have a similar description, as those are the constructs we create in our unconscious mind as humans. That’s how we grow and go through these stages. What I find fascinating is that every single person has two or three dominant archetypes. As I said earlier, these are the main characters you play. For example, someone can be a ruler and a lover archetype, or a lover and an innocent archetype. The ruler and the lover is a sexy woman who is taking control, like Samantha from Sex and the City.

She has a leadership role. She is also beautiful, takes care of herself, and has that vibe. Becca Bloom is the latest TikTok star who is the lover and innocent archetype. She talks so sweetly, everything is so exciting, and she is always smiling. You cannot hate her because she is like a little child archetype. That’s her character. When you see them being authentic or you see yourself being authentic, playing the character of your own life, becoming the main character of your own life. Life is so easy because Samantha never had to apologize for who she was.

She did not try to pretend she was an innocent. She did not need to pretend she was a sage and knew everything. She did not need to pretend that she was here for transformation like a magician. She was herself. “This is who I am.” When you put life in these twelve categories, so to speak, and create your own recipe for how you play with these archetypes. I wrote this book called 12 Selves. It’s a journey of a woman who is 49 and goes through all twelve archetypes in different outfits.

When you put on an archetype’s costume, so to speak, you step into the character and see if it fits. Does it fit to be like a ruler, or do you want something a little more simple and laconic like a sage? You find yourself through clothes. That’s how I see them. For me, it’s a way to dress up, to feel who I am inside by seeing if it fits. It’s not just my body or my color type, but my archetype. My character inside. The way I tell people is when you put on something that fits you. I had a client who was a marketing executive.

Your outer style is just a nonverbal story of your soul. Make it count. Share on X

She was wearing all these dresses, and I saw that it did not fit her archetype. She was trying to play a ruler when she was not a ruler. She was a magician and a jester. We worked together, and now she is wearing these fun rock star clothes. She became a rock star, literally. She started a band. She is singing. She grew her hair longer. She is so much happier.

She came to me to lose weight. I told her, “That’s not why you’re here.” We needed to go deeper. It was not about the food. It was about the longing to become who she was meant to be, and she now lost weight. She looks amazing. She lost years. She looks so much younger or she gained years. She stepped into that artist, the jester, and the magician. She is doing music that is about transformation. She is writing musicals. She is so happy because she stepped into that character, that archetype.

I appreciate what you’re saying. It takes us to the reader’s question, because as I envision the reader, I do not know the person’s gender, it sounds like the woman to whom you were referring. I know this from lived experience. We are stuck in a life that is not what we are meant to be doing. Our soul generally calls quietly. When we are being called to live another life, getting out of that stuck place is crucial, especially if you do not know the person that you were talking about.

She didn’t know that she wanted to be a rockstar. Especially if we don’t know where we want to go. I’ve worked with people who were in one job in engineering and then decided to leap and become bakers. They did not know they wanted to be bakers at first. One person I worked with knew they wanted to be a cook, but their family had raised them for a different profession, in medicine. Leaving medicine to become a cook was like, “My family is going to hate me for that.” If your family hates you for living your best life, it doesn’t sound like they’re much of what I call a soul family.

It sounds like that’s what this listener is dealing with. The food is perhaps soothing them because they’re not in a life that they’re happy with. Before we dive into that piece, I remembered my question for you. What do you mean when you say soul? We often have different descriptions of the soul, if we believe in it. What do you see when you think of soul?

This is where I see it. Where were you ten months before you were born? Before the two little cells connected and started making that little embryo. Where were you? We cannot answer that with certainty, like, “I was here.” We can answer with certainty, whether we believe in spirituality or physics. That energy cannot be created or destroyed. I believe we have this feeling. It’s a sensation in your body.

It’s not a mind-experience. It’s not, “I think or I’m deducing this.” It’s the feeling and the calling you cannot explain. It’s the desire that lives in your chest. What I do with clients is tell them their purpose in life, like based on their birthday and archetypes. Usually, clients will say, “That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling, but I was afraid of it or this is exactly what I’ve been desiring, but my family has been saying I shouldn’t do this.” I always say, “Never “should be on yourself.”

It’s that unknown energy that isn’t tangible. You cannot quantify it. It’s something you trust, you feel, and it’s there, undeniably. It’s the sense you get from somebody when you see them and think. It’s feeling you. You’re like, “I can’t describe it, but I’m feeling something.” To me, that is your soul. I also like to ask, “Why did you decide to be born on that particular day, to this particular family, at this particular time?”

I don’t believe in random instances where we just decided to be born on this day. Everybody who’s born on the day, it’s like boarding a train that has to stop at certain destinations to experience them in order to move to the next destination. Why? I don’t know, but I’ve seen too many coincidences where I can tell somebody something, and they say, “How did that happen?” I can see it on their chart, and it’s there. I’ve done too many readings for people I don’t know.

Somebody will say, “Can you read this birthday for me?” I’ll read them and say certain things, and they’ll be like, “That’s exactly what this person says.” That to me is a soul. It’s something we cannot explain or touch, but we can feel it. It speaks to us with this sensation of either contracting when something feels wrong, or expanding when something feels right. We have to trust it. When you trust it and miracles happen in your life. That’s when you’re connected to that soul. That’s how I feel about it.

Thank you for that beautiful explanation. It’s similar to how I see souls. There are people who don’t believe in the soul. If you don’t believe in the soul, that’s fine. You can still apply the concepts we’re talking about to energy because we all have energy and we all have feelings. You can see it as you’re contracting energy, maybe contracting in fear or anxiety. Perhaps you’re feeling expansive because you feel the people you’re with are a good fit for you or a good friend.

Maybe you contract if somebody says something unkind. Whatever works for you. Find words so that you can learn to feel in your body what we’re talking about, this sense that life experiences can make you contract and they can also help you expand. If you have many life experiences that are making you contract, you might be doing things that aren’t good for you, such as binge eating or staying stuck in life.

Let’s look more at this reader’s question. I’m going to let you take it from here. Please focus on if you could offer them, and because of time, we’ll stick with three major tips that can help this person begin to make the shifts you’re talking about because there are important changes. If you have more that are easy for you to unfold, please do.

I have a saying, “Cravings are a gateway to your biggest dreams.” Cravings are not a problem. Binge eating is not a problem. It is a gateway. I’ve binged and had binge eating behaviors. I wrote a book about that. It’s called Single and Hungry. That is what I was. I was single and hungry. It’s a guide to food and self-love. I share how I used to binge eat. It was a cycle that I completely understood. I remember someone saying they could have chocolate in their house and not eat. I was like, “That’s like an alien.”

It is your social responsibility to become who you are meant to be. Share on X

Decoding Your Cravings With PLAY

Now, I throw out chocolate because it goes bad because I forgot we had it. Here is what I suggest. I call it PLAY. That’s my acronym. When you’re eating something, pause for a minute. Do not stop, but just pause. P stands for pause. L stands for listen. Listen TO what you want. What is it? Is it ice cream? Let’s say, for example, ice cream. Do you crave the sugar? Do you crave the cold? Do you crave the creamy? Do you crave the dairy? Do you crave the chocolate? What is it that you want?

Ask yourself how you can satisfy those needs. For example, you can say, “I like dairy ice cream because it’s sugar and I need excitement.” Sugar makes me happy. It gives me serotonin. It makes me feel excited, and I want more excitement. You can say, “I don’t want vegan ice cream. I want dairy ice cream because dairy is milk. Milk is mother’s love.” When we eat dairy products, we literally feel the purest unconditional love of a mother to a child. You’re experiencing that.

Let’s say you’re craving cold because you’re just so overworked at the job that you need to cool yourself down. Now, we’re here. We’re listening to the body saying, “We’re craving fun, love, and soothing.” A stands for answer that. Listen to yourself and answer to yourself. I want more fun, more play, more love, or whatever it is. Answer that to yourself. Y stands for say yes. Say yes to yourself and do those things. If you don’t know what fun is for you, for example, eating ice cream. You’re saying fun. I don’t know what fun is.

Remember when you were eight years old. What was fun for you then? I bet you weren’t binge eating when you were 8 or 7. When you were a little kid, food was not a substitute for play. Food wasn’t substituted for joy. What brought you joy then? Try doing something. One thing. Say yes to yourself. Go online. This is my client’s example. I made her go on Bumble and I said, “I’m going to charge you $5 every day if you don’t go on Bumble and swipe for at least five minutes.” She would do that. She met someone and went out and had a lot of fun.

Being authentic, by the way, and Bumble is the best way. You can say, “I’m a binge eater. I love ice cream. I want to go to every single ice cream shop in town.” That’s what I said on my Tinder, back in the day. “I just want to go to ice cream shops on first dates.” That’s what we did. Combine the fun and the easing out of binge eating into dating. Saying yes to yourself is the most important thing. Saying yes to what you desire. Decoding those cravings, and truly listening to that.

Geneen Roth once said, “We don’t crave chocolate fudge sundaes. We crave our lives to be chocolate fudge sundaes.” What is that like for you? What makes life juicy for you? If it’s something like going dancing, go dance. If you’re afraid people are going to judge you because you’re overweight, dance at home. Whatever it is. Make the first step by saying yes to yourself. Don’t stop binge eating to punish yourself. Allow yourself. If that’s what you want, if you’re going to do it anyway, allow it.

The minute you allow yourself, you will realize, “I was just rebelling maybe because there was a strict no binge eating, but now there’s no rebelling. I’m craving rebellion. What do I want to rebel against?” Go into an elevator of a big building, press all the buttons, and run out of the elevator. Do something fun. Do something rebellious in a fun way because maybe binge eating was a rebellion for you. When you allow yourself anything, then you start hearing that that’s not the food. That’s not going to cut the craving for fun. I’m just feeling bloated and overweight, and I still crave fun.

Food will never, nor will physical things like shopping, binge eating, binge shopping, binge watching, or other physical stuff, substitute for an emotional need. It will never do that. Settling for the crumbs of feeling a little high emotion after you eat a whole chocolate cheesecake, which I’ve done plenty of. It’s not enough. You’re cutting yourself short. Go binge dance, binge read, or binge fun. Do something that excites you. Again, healthy, that you enjoy, that doesn’t hurt you and doesn’t hurt anybody else. It’s super important to keep those standards.

That’s what I would say, PLAY, and then allow yourself. Allow yourself to be yourself. Being too much. I feel that people who binge eat are afraid of being too much. I want everybody to be too much in whatever it is that they want. Why be too little? When people say, “You want too much?” Say to them, “Why would I want less?” We’re here. We’re all going to die. I want the readers to know that 100% guarantee, we’re all going to die. Before we do, let’s live fully and not settle for just food.

I couldn’t agree with you more. That so much of what occurs in the mental and physical health spaces, which is often related to mental health issues, is the fact that people keep them stuck in some gel cell because of what they are. As you said, “If you go dancing, people will think you’re not dancing well or that you’re overweight.” It doesn’t matter.

Readers, this is for you. As long as you’re aligned with yourself, doing things in self-alignment that aren’t harmful to other people and aren’t harming yourself, then you be you. Believe that if somebody in your life is going to judge or criticize you for being you, and you’re being a good, authentic, wonderful human being, your version of you. That is their problem. They’re likely feeling envious because you are living an authentic life, and they’re afraid of doing that.

By embracing yourself, and this goes back to the question of the day, and looking, as you said so beautifully, Alina, look at what you want in life. Food will never be a substitute. All the shopping in the world won’t be a substitute. All the men, all the women, all the toys, all the whatever is not going to be a substitute for falling in love with that beautiful person that you are.

I ended with a cliffhanger, and people can get in touch with me to learn more but there is one fear. Marianne Williamson said it a little bit, but she said, “Our biggest fear is that we are so beautiful, so bright and so just big.” Our biggest fear is that we are more beautiful than our family, than our parents. We are bigger than our family and our parents.

We are brighter than our family and our parents. We have it easier than our parents. There’s a big fear that I find of people maybe reading and going, “If I go dancing and I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to look hot. I’ll look hotter than my mom. If I’m better than my mom, my mom is going to feel like I’m a bad girl, and I betrayed my mother. My mother will leave me, and I will be alone and a little baby.” Our reptile brain goes, “Caveman times. If my mom didn’t love me, I would die.”

You go on in this whole big story that if you are shining, your tribe will leave you, and you will die alone. You might as well be like everybody else. That’s something you have to go in and work on because that’s the biggest thing that keeps people stuck: the fear of being different, because being different felt unsafe before.

Readers, if that doesn’t resonate with you, with your family of origin. It may resonate with you, with your friend group, like, “I’m used to being the unpopular one or the broken one, or whatever it is. My friends won’t like me if I grow and shine.” They’re not your friends if they want you to be stuck in things that aren’t helping you be your best self and shine. I believe that when we’re working on our best selves, growing and learning, leaning into love, leaning into kindness, leaning into self-truth. If somebody gets offended by that, that’s definitely about them.

You let them deal with their issues. Alina, I also love how you gave these pointers. I love your PLAY acronym that reminds people that when they’re eating. I remember I first heard a similar concept with the amazing Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She talked about how we often just eat because, as you said, you go into a supermarket. Pick what resonates with you. Not what’s just easy, cheapest, or most available.

Often, you can find something that’s good for you that if money’s an issue, it’s still healthy. She talks about life being the smorgasbord. There are days that we’re going to want just carrots and celery with some hummus or peanut butter. There are days we’re going to be craving salmon. There are days we’re going to be craving meat. There are things that you want to be able to look at life, and I’m not talking just about food.

I’m talking about the buffet of life where this reader is feeling cramped and closed in. Look at the buffet of life. What is there? Do you want to be partnered? Do you want to stay single? Do you want to be married? Do you want kids? Do you want the career you have? It’s a good job, but is it the career you want? Start dreaming. Start looking. I know this is what you specialize in, Alina. Look at your dream life. What does that look like? Get real with that.

There was a time when I thought I wanted to be a speaker and move around the world doing speaking all the time. I thought about the cost that would be. Not the financial cost, but the physical cost. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my clients. I wouldn’t be able to write as much. My husband certainly wouldn’t like me being gone, nor would I like being gone from him 360 days a year.

I thought, “That’s too ungrounded for my personality type.” That depth of being gone as a full-time speaker. We want to be able to look at this. We do sometimes have dreams. Cinderella had dreams, too, but it doesn’t mean that we have to have the dream of the castle. We might have a dream of a cabin by a lake. Whatever your dreams are, but to get to your dreams, you have to dare yourself. You have to have the courage to look at them, and then the big courage to start believing in them. It sounds like that’s what you specialize in, Alina.

I didn’t want to interrupt you, but to bring it back, when you were eight years old, what was your dream? When you’re 80 years old, how would you want to look back at your life? If you’re not 80 yet, what would that 80-year-old self want you to do right now? If you are 80, what would your 90 or 100-year-old self want you to do now?

A lot of times, people say, “I don’t know what my dream is.” This book, 12 Selves starts with a line, “I woke up not knowing who I wanted to be. Not for tonight’s Halloween. Not for the rest of my life.” That’s when we dress up. This book literally walks you through twelve different days of dressing up to see which one is your dream, because not everybody wants to live in a castle. Not everybody wants to travel and be a speaker. Everybody has different dreams, and it has to be your authentic one. You will only know when you try it on. When you try it on, you do it with clothes. It’s the fastest way to try it on.

Not being afraid when we are trying on different dreams. It’s okay to experiment. You want to be a baker, but you’re now an engineer, then go volunteer and do some baking things, and see how that feels to do it. Maybe the dream of being a baker wasn’t what you wanted to do. What’s next? Maybe you want to be a fisherman. Whatever it might be. There are no limits. You become your only limit. Since life is so short, for me, I have about 80 other versions of myself I’d like to lean into. One is working with horses. Another is rescuing birds.

I probably won’t have enough time to do all of them, but I have this energy. Readers, you can find all of these things that make you excited, and you don’t have to necessarily do them full time. Instead, do them in doses so that you can figure out what that flavor of ice cream is. Alina, you have so much wonderfulness to offer. I love your many points of view because they align with my beliefs in many ways, and certainly my belief that we all have the right. I also say, the responsibility to find out what we want in life and work very hard to become our best selves so that it shines.

Your Social Responsibility To Blossom

I wanted to repeat what you just said, because it is our responsibility. It is our social responsibility to become who we’re meant to be. This book The Single and Hungry starts with a quote by Lao Tzu, who said, “If we want world peace, world peace starts in the countries. Peace in the countries starts in the cities. Peace in the cities starts in the families. Peace in the family starts in your heart.”

You will never be fully happy, loving, and peaceful if you’re not being your authentic self. Being authentically yourself is the hardest thing to do because no one else is like you. You have to pave your way but it’s the easiest thing to do because you already did it when you were two years old. You did it when you were three years old. You did it all the way until somebody told you something was wrong with that. You already have experience. Go back to your childhood self, remember your essence. Be yourself, because it’s our social responsibility. Heal people.

The more people give themselves permission to be themselves, they give permission to other people. People come up to me when I’m too much or wearing these big outfits. They say, “I love this.” I see that they give themselves permission to be seen as well. The more people are like that, the more chances we have to bring world peace to this planet, to help our environment. That’s our social responsibility. It all starts with us because we cannot say, “I cannot affect world peace.”

If you think that a little person cannot affect a big thing, try sleeping with a mosquito. A little something can make a big difference. It’s our responsibility to be loving to ourselves, to radiate that love. You cannot pour from an empty cup. It’s our responsibility to make this world a better place and leave it a better place than we found it.

I don’t think we could end on a better note because it is. Gandhi had his own way of saying, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Whether this reader decides that they want to start breathing into their authentic self and not living in this tight, small world they live in. The world could use somebody blossoming and growing. It can be used by all of us in our own ways. Thank you, Alina. Where can our readers find you and your work?

On social media, I am at @LifestylistAlina or my website, which is AlinaZ.com. It’s super simple to find me.

Where will they be able to find your books?

My books are all on my website. I have all three books on my website. By the way, I have this book called Lessons From My Birkin. It’s for those advanced students who are ready to be unapologetically too much and learn from the most expensive bag in the world, which does not apologize for charging so much money for a piece of leather and which shines, and people appreciate it. She just taught us so much. I want people to be authentic selves, and all the books are on the website.

I’m thinking quickly about Coco Chanel, who had such humble beginnings. By staying true to herself and working hard and allowing herself to lean into it. She became someone who was quite a life force. I see that in so many. Again, this isn’t an episode just for women, but I do see that in so many of the women that I respect who started in humble surroundings and moved, or didn’t start in humble surroundings but broke out and did what they wanted to do, needed to do in order to be their best selves.

Kudos to every reader out there. If you’re not 100% happy with where you are in life, I’m not saying that every day is 100% happy because life has challenges. If you’re at a place where you’re yearning to do something different, break out of habits, do bigger, be bigger, be more, or whatever it might be, or maybe slow down. Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe life’s calling you to slow down. Lean into it. Whatever it is. Life is short. Thanks again, Alina Z. It has been a joy and a pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me.

It has been such a joy, as I said. To our readers, thank you as always, for sharing your time, your energy, your questions, and your space with us. It is always my pleasure and my joy. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

About Alina Z

Alina Z is an award-winning, Board-Certified Health & Life Coach, Detox Specialist, and creator of the #1 Best Diet in America by Harper’s Bazaar. Alina is known for blending style, food and self-love into one transformational experience. At 15, she left her home country, and a $100,000,000 company her parents wanted her to inherit, to come to the U.S. alone and create life on her own terms. After earning her degree from Parsons School of Design, she built a thriving marketing career, eventually becoming VP of Marketing for one of Washington D.C.’s largest catering companies. Surrounded by food, glamour, and success, she realized something was missing — purpose. A life-changing trip to Alaska introduced her to Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay, whose teachings inspired her to use her creativity and discipline in service to others. From there, Alina’s journey became one of integration, uniting her love of design, nutrition, and transformation into a single mission: To help women eat beautifully, live consciously, and express their true selves, from the outside in.

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

Identity Shift: Becoming Your Best Self

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Connect with Alina Z:

Listen to the podcast here

Identity Shift: Becoming Your Best Self

The Trap Of Comparison And Judgment

Defining The Lifestylist Approach

Why Peer Pressure Is A Distraction

Simple Shifts To Change Your State

Understanding Your Archetypes

Decoding Your Cravings With PLAY

Your Social Responsibility To Blossom

Important Links

About Alina Z

Carla Marie Manly, PhD

Quick Links

Resources