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LIVE BIG: How to Supercharge Yourself and Your Life

Imperfect Love - Dr. Carla Manly | JD Tremblay | High Performance, Mental Resilience

 

Do you tend to live small because you’re afraid of not doing well or not getting things right? If a fear of failure or worries about how others might see you keep you from reaching high and becoming your best self, you’re certainly not alone. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve found that many people stay stuck because they don’t trust their ability to overcome challenges, perform well under pressure, and reach for the stars. So if you’d like to break through whatever holds you back, you’ll love today’s guest, JD Tremblay, a certified neuropath practitioner, ultra-endurance athlete, and Director of High Performance and Mental Resilience at Hungry Warrior Academy. He is also the author of “Hunger for More in Life.” In today’s episode, JD will offer key tips on how you can break free of fear and excel in all areas of your life.

Topics discussed include physical health, mental health, emotional health, fear, bullying, faith, courage, bravery, survival mode, values, priorities, challenge, special forces, Navy SEALS, triathletes, success, limitations, anxiety, emotions, criticism, healthy relationships, alignment,

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information:https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter/X: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with JD Tremblay:

Website: https://hungrywarrioracademy.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hungrywarrioracademy/

Hunger For More in Life: Conquer Mental Struggles, Defy Limitations, and Discover Purpose Through Epic Achievements: https://www.amazon.com/Hunger-More-Life-Limitations-Achievements/dp/B0BZF56ZXM

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Listen to the podcast here

 

LIVE BIG: How to Supercharge Yourself and Your Life

Breaking Out Of The Box

Do you tend to live small because you’re afraid of not doing well or not getting things right? If a fear of failure or worries about how others might perceive you, keep you from reaching high, and becoming your best self, you’re certainly not alone. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve found that many people stay stuck because they don’t trust their ability to overcome challenges, perform well under pressure, and reach for the stars. If you’d like to break free from whatever holds you back, you’ll love our guest, JD Tremblay.

JD is a Certified Naturopath Practitioner, Ultra-Endurance Triathlete, and Director of High Performance and Mental Resilience at Hungry Warrior Academy. JD will offer tips that will help you excel in all areas of your life. In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I don’t like getting outside my box because I get anxious. I get stuck and fearful when I try something new. This affects me at home, work, and even in my hobbies like soccer. Everyone I know is moving on and doing cool things. Can you help me get unstuck?” With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Manly, and this is Imperfect Love.

 

Imperfect Love - Dr. Carla Manly | JD Tremblay | High Performance, Mental Resilience

 

What Makes JD, JD

I am so excited to bring to you JD Tremblay. JD is a Certified Naturopath Practitioner, Ultra-Endurance Triathlete, and Director of High Performance and Mental Resilience at Hungry Warrior Academy. Welcome to the show, JD. It’s such a joy to have you with us.

Thanks, Carla, for having me.

It’s a pleasure. Before we launch into this reader’s very wonderful question, because probably everyone can see a bit of themselves in it at some time in life. Can you tell our readers what makes you, you?

There’s nothing special about JD. I understand that I have achieved some wonderful feats, and they are around the internet everywhere. What makes me is that I have courage. In spite of fear, I am able to perform certain tasks. I’m willing to sacrifice the comfort of not doing the things I want to do, instead choosing to lead and become the leader I was called to be.

Thank you for sharing that. You’re saying you’re not special. You’re a triathlete and not just any triathlete. You are an endurance triathlete. You have been a volunteer firefighter. You work to empower people to become their best selves and move through their fears, which is one of my favorite topics, learning to move through our fears so we can get on the other side and enjoy ourselves and our lives. You sound pretty special to me. I also like that you’re humble. Can you tell our readers a little bit about your journey?

Transforming Bullying Into A Trampoline

I grew up in the Northern part of Quebec, Canada. It’s a French province. I was bullied as a child by all the other kids. At the age of fourteen years old, my parents got divorced. That took a toll on the family unit. I would say that I had different homes. At the age seventeen, I made the difficult decision to join the military and remove myself from the family homes, as I said, and even from all of my acquaintances or even my culture, so to speak, because I am French Canadian.

When you join the military, the culture is mainly English speaking. I was not in my province. I was away from my parents and away from all of these people. Instead of seeing it as I’m a victim and staying in that mindset. I removed myself from unhealthy behaviors. My parents were simply finding their own journey. The way I can frame it is that I was able to now distance myself from loved ones. I was also able to critically examine my relationships. My relationships with family or others.

Now, they were bullying me. I removed myself from this environment. Now the criticism of others does not affect me as much. It became a stepping stone. Instead of using it as a hole that I could have crawled into and stayed in comfort. I used it as a trampoline to propel me to another stage. The advice that I now provide the guys with our tools and our acronyms at the Hungry Warrior Academy is to live in faith and not in fear. Regardless of your religious background. You’re able to, again, make faith decisions versus fear decisions.

Beautifully said. You’re reminding me of my first book, Joy from Fear, where I talk about the importance of looking at when fear is constructive, like when it’s telling us, “There’s a lion chasing you,” and when fear is destructive. It’s giving you messages that you’re not safe. You should stay small or you should go into that hole. When we learn to lean into fear rather than running from it, we want to run if there’s truly a bully that’s going to kill us.

When we learn that so many of our fears are these limitations placed on us by other people or limitations we place on ourselves, when we learn, as you said at the beginning, you found the courage to stand up and move through those. I also love how you said you use it as a trampoline, instead of letting the bullying make you small. You decided to use it as a way to bounce into a part of yourself and your life that could allow you to grow and blossom. What a great place to start. It sounds like it takes us straight to that reader’s question, doesn’t it?

Negative To Positive

There are different ways to approach it. The way I frame it is there’s a negative stimulus in your life. You have three ways of operating within it. One of them is from a negative going to a negative. Some people choose that path where you have a negative stimulus. My parents got divorced. I could have ended up just drinking, and that’s an unhealthy behavior to a certain degree if there’s a lack of self-control. Now, you’re having a negative going to a negative.

Stop letting the fear of judgment keep you small. Choose courage and live the life you were meant to lead. Share on X

That’s the easy path. That’s a comfortable path. If I go from a negative to a positive, which a lot of people or coaches would claim, “How about you take this negative stimulus and turn it into a positive?” If we look at science, it takes a lot to change the charge of one versus the other, or it takes some form of catalyst to bring it to the positive, which is very difficult. When you’re changing a negative and transferring it to a constructive one, as you mentioned. Now you’re helping it grow gradually to become that new individual you aspire to become.

I also like the piece where you talk about faith. When we hear the word faith, many of us react based on our religious beliefs. Some might think, “I do not believe in religion or it sounds like right out my alley.” In truth, as you said, faith is not necessarily about being religious or spiritual. It is about believing in yourself. It is about believing that there may be at least one or two people out there to support you, and there are generally more than you think.

There’s also faith that there’s something beyond us. You can have that faith, whether it is religious, spiritual, or science-based. There is something like gravity in a strange way. It does support us. It keeps us on the Earth. When we think about faith as a way to foster belief, it can be such a powerful and underutilized tool to realize it’s not stupid to have faith. It is not blind. It is that belief that we are worthy. What do you think about that? I think it goes beyond worthiness.

The way faith was being presented was not necessarily in terms of metaphysical or even the spiritual aspect, but it is still within that realm. Its definition is the belief that is not seen. That is what the definition of faith is. For example, a person might say, “I will become a millionaire,” but they just went through bankruptcy. Having faith that you will overcome these challenges, that in itself, is a faith. You brought in many variables to that word faith. You brought in faith in ourselves, faith in others around us, and faith in the divine. Having faith is the belief that is not seen. That comes from hope.

Having hope is moving away from fear. You cannot have faith and fear in the same room. You must choose. It becomes a choice. At first, it is a choice, and then eventually it will become more natural. We’re not talking about someone who wakes up in the morning and constantly overthinks every step, like whether to put the left foot in front of the right. We’re talking about general ideas. Should I be working on myself for nutritional patterns, or should I be working out? What should I be focusing on? Should I have discipline in my life?

Again, that word discipline is a stigma for many people, a trigger word. We can talk about that. That’s where we will answer the question for the listener. This is how to view discipline. Those are all ways to act in faith. Should I sell my house and move to Jamaica? That’s huge in terms of faith. What is your capacity in terms of faith? What are you able to handle in terms of faith? You should not be handling that faith lightly with everyone. Not everyone is there for your success. Not everyone is there to help you, but you should understand and have a certain level of discernment to have faith.

The Anatomy Of Fear

You can either choose to live in faith or live in fear. If you understand fear and the six levels of fear explained in the book, Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. The six levels of fear are poverty, old age, loss of love, illness, criticism, and death. What is your fear in that instance? Many people look at fear from the perspective of a feeling. I look at it from my engineering brain and from the emotional side. In psychology, I do not know if it has been explained very well in another episode of yours. Emotion is a body reaction.

My pupils get dilated. I can calculate that. That’s quantitative. My heart rate goes higher, that’s quantitative. That’s the emotion. Now that you’re able to regulate it, that’s called emotional maturity. Many people are unable to do that, and they focus too much on the feeling’s component. The feelings component, as I can explain it, is an experience of life. If you’re numbing yourself, you’re removing these feelings and that juicy part of life’s experience, whether it’s a happy or a sad moment.

There are moments when I’m sad, even seeing my kid right there and healthy. I’m just sad. It’s an experience of life. There are other moments, which are more often than enough. I look at him, and I’m happy. Those are feelings. This is an experience of life. I love him very much. That’s part of life, but then the body reaction is what we can use to overcome our fears. Going back to my childhood, for example. Mine was the criticism of others.

People were bullying me. Now I learned how to remove that fear from myself. Now I can speak on stage, which is one of the biggest fears for people. It’s talking openly in front of people, going on shows, guest speaking, and workshops. For me, that was removed as a child. I understood how to tackle that specific fear. By learning, what your specific fear is in that particular instance, and then what your emotional reaction, or body reaction, to that fear is. The fear of critics is still there for me, but my body is able to react differently at a much faster rate because I help regulate it.

It’s beautifully said, and I love how you break it down so that readers can understand that we all have these emotions. I subscribe to the five paradigms of emotion where it’s fear, anger, sadness, joy and disgust. That’s the five-emotion model. Readers, those very basic emotions, we all have them. Fear is often one that’s working big time for us.

Faith is the belief in what isn't seen. It’s the antidote to living in fear. Share on X

As JD is saying, those emotions are there. It’s a bodily response designed on some level to keep you healthy, safe and out of danger. Each one of those has a capacity to do that. You also have experiences in life that make you have certain feelings. Whereas a situation may make one person angry, that same situation may make somebody sad.

It’s through our history and our experiences outcome these feelings emerge. When we learn to process and regulate them, without calling them good or bad, as you’re saying, if you look at your son and say, “I’m sad now. I do not necessarily need to figure this out. I just want to be with the sadness.” We’re so used to pushing away those emotions that we call negative emotions. Although, none of our emotions are negative.

It’s what we do with them that can be positive or negative. This listener is saying, “I feel stuck. I feel like everybody else is moving on with their lives and doing wonderful things.” I’m sensing that maybe there’s some sadness there. I would like your opinion, JD, on this. Maybe there is a sense of fear there, a big fear that’s keeping them stuck in what is comfortably uncomfortable instead of jumping on that trampoline and finding a new way. What are your thoughts there?

It’s by looking at your fears, and all six of those fears that I enumerated, and asking, “Why is my body reacting this way? Am I reacting this way because my life is in danger, which would be death?” Is it that I’m reacting this way? My body does not want to go on stage. It happens often where some individuals, men or women. They try to go on stage, their body freezes, and they’re trying their best, but they can’t. That is potentially a fear of the critics of others. By understanding the critics of others, then understanding what is the worst thing that can happen to me, and then dealing with the situation at an emotional level. Not at a feeling level.

That’s a body reaction. There’s your freezing part. Your body is trying to survive. The body is a beautiful machine with many systems. It’s not meant for thriving. It’s not meant for success. The body is designed for survival. If it registers any type of fearful situation, from your experience or the experience of others, based on your perception, your body will shut down or, in worst cases, shut down certain organs, at which point you can then develop certain types of illnesses.

For example, people who do not speak up in certain relationships. There’s a healthy way of communicating with your partner. We’re not here to talk about that. Putting a point across, where some people have developed certain types of physical illnesses as a result of not being able to communicate adequately with their partner, their boss, or other relationships in their life, whether with their children sometimes.

We see that very often with men who might be yelling at their children. That’s just a body reaction. They’ve learned it, like a learned behavior. They’re displaying a certain level of anger. Now, we have to cut that from their life. That’s not the type of behavior that a leader should display. These fears now cause certain types of illnesses because of body function.

Thank you for drawing attention to that. Even though it’s not directly related to the reader’s question, I want to pause because it’s so important. In our society, I often say women are given the message that you’re allowed to feel okay and joyful and sometimes a little bit sad. Not too sad and not for too long. Men are given the message that they’re allowed to feel okay and angry, but sometimes happy, but don’t be too bubbly. Don’t be too effusive.

When you realize that for men, sadness is cut out, big joy is often cut out and reserved for sports. Not for that intimacy of a relationship where you’re just ever so excited and happy to see your partner. Now that’s for sissies. I don’t believe this. I’m just giving you the message. We forget how important it is to be able to retrain ourselves to ignore the negative societal messages that tell us that we shouldn’t feel sad, that we shouldn’t feel angry.

Anger is a good emotion. It tells us that we feel disrespected or violated. It’s how we use anger judiciously and wisely to set boundaries. As you’re saying, many people think that yelling, raising their voice, swearing, hurting people’s feelings is a healthy use of anger because that’s what they see in movies or they saw parents do.

As you’re very clearly explaining, if somebody yells at me, I don’t listen. I can’t hear them. My body immediately goes into fight-or-flight mode. It’s like, “How do I get out of here? How do I keep myself safe? How do I self-regulate while this person is doing their thing?” I don’t hear what they’re saying. I believe that it’s the same for most people, if not everyone, because anger brings up this threat response. We’re not able to be present for each other.

 

Imperfect Love - Dr. Carla Manly | JD Tremblay | High Performance, Mental Resilience

 

If, in relationships, we learn to use anger to set boundaries in clear, kind, and respectful ways, then we get away from that. Whereas you are saying, you hurt your entire bodily system, physical health, mental health, even spiritual health, and emotional health, if you are not learning to self-regulate. I know that’s an area you’re an expert in. I’m going to paraphrase what you said, because you said it in one of the most beautiful ways I’ve ever heard. That the body isn’t designed for excess. The body is designed to keep you safe.

If we look at what this reader is asking about, how to get out of this box? It sounds to me like they live in whatever this box is. Whether it’s work, prescribed relationships or prescribed duties that make them feel safe. Yet there clearly are not succeeding in ways that their heart is yearning to get out of that box but then all those thoughts probably pop in and all those feelings like, “I’m anxious. I will not do it. Other people will make fun of me.” What is the cure, JD?

What is the cure for someone whose mind is saying, “This can be?” I’m not saying the person is in a dysfunctional relationship. I work with so many people who tell me part of their stuckness is that they’re in a dysfunctional relationship. Whether it is a romantic partnership, a work relationship, or a friendship. They want to get out of it, but they’re stuck because they’re afraid that they will not have financial security or any other friends or find another job. Whatever it is. Your experience as a speaker, as an endurance triathlete, you have learned how to overcome all of these voices that tell you to be small. How did you do it?

Values Before Goals

There are two main parts which also address your question. One is values before goals. Becoming a doctor, there’s nothing inherently wrong with becoming a doctor. That is a goal. If you do not have solid moral values that you live by and that you abide by them. Your journey to becoming a doctor will eventually be more tumultuous than another individual who has their moral values and lives by them.

Anyone can use this tool, whether it’s in a personal relationship. I want as a goal to have a fruitful or successful marriage that will last X amount of years. If that is the case, or I want to have this relationship with an individual, then understanding that these are my values. What are the values of the other person? As we talked about fears, the person displaying and not being able to control their fear is creating fear in others. We can look at the partner who is saying, “I’m not financially secure if that partner leaves.”

That other person also has fears and says, “I’m the person that is putting all of the money inside of the relationship and paying for everything.” There might be some level of fear in that person, not that their fear and their love and their appreciation based on their perception is not fully received. That is why I say values before goals. Once you can understand your values, you can pick whatever goal you want, whether it’s becoming an ultra-endurance triathlete, a doctor, lawyer, engineer, a mailman or mailwoman. You can become anything you want as long as you pick your values before your goals.

I like how you set that out. I’m going to lean into your example again. We do not know what this person wants as far as living large. It might be having a dream-come-true relationship. We do not know, but I 100% agree with you. The first thing we need to know is our values. We also want to know our priorities. If we’re clear on our values, we can elucidate them, write them down, and say, “These are my values to another person. These are my priorities. This is what I can offer you. I’m good. I’m faithful. I’m honest. I’m hardworking. I love life. I value integrity.”

The other person is able to say, “I value integrity too. I value hard work. I value nature,” whatever it is. You have that meeting of the minds. Who has more money? It doesn’t matter because as long as your priorities are showing, giving, love, gratitude and respect, money’s the non-issue. Money is the social construct, the byproduct.

It’s the construct that allows you to do X, Y, and Z. If you don’t have that meeting of the minds and those matching values and goals, you’re going to have all the money in the world. You’re not going to be happy because you’re not able to come to terms with whatever your fears are. Are you afraid that somebody loves you only for your money? Are you afraid that they want your money?

What is that fear about? Then for the other person, if they’re staying in a relationship that they don’t love the person and they’re only staying because of money. What’s that about? Why do you believe that you’re not worthy of true love? When we get into these pieces and start looking, as you said from the beginning, start looking at the fears, not just your financial fears or old age fears, or whatever it is, but being able to go deep and say, “Am I afraid of success? Am I afraid that my parents told me I would never amount to anything? Am I afraid of breaking free of that narrative I internalized? Am I afraid of proving them wrong? Am I afraid of proving myself wrong?”

When we get into all of this sticky stuff, that can be yummy to work with. You know my profession. I’m a psychologist. I love doing this. I love putting the pieces together and exploring. It’s a lot of fun. It’s not just with clients. I’ve done it to myself. I do it to myself. I want to understand so we can learn, grow, and transform. It sounds like you’re doing this with the Hungry Warrior Academy, helping people figure out what their block is. Where can they find it? I love how you also explain courage because many people use courage and bravery interchangeably.

Discipline isn't a stigma, it's a tool for freedom. Own your values to own your life. Share on X

Courage is moving forward in the face of fear. Bravery is not having fear. To tell you the truth, most of us have loads of fears. Those that we recognize, those that we don’t. We’re embarrassed. We’re ashamed because we have fears. Fear is part of life. It’s getting through the fear to the other side. That is, if we make it fun, if we make it, as you were saying earlier, discerning.

If I jump off this cliff, am I going to be safe? Do I have the right equipment? Is there a team down there to catch me? Is everything going to be okay? Do I stay back and never jump, even though I know that there is a very beautiful pool of deep water down beneath it that I can safely jump into, and I’ve been there, literally and figuratively. It can be scary to jump. It could be so scary. As we discern, is it dangerous, or am I just getting held back by discomfort? It’s hard to do, but it’s possible. Don’t you think, JD?

That’s why we have to build it and create that strong foundation based on your values. Your values should be your system, your structure. When we look at this, we deal with tier one operators. Those guys are special forces. When these guys are going off a cliff, they understand their values are based on protecting others. That’s their duty. Would they be able to jump off a cliff? Definitely, because it’s based on their value system.

At that moment, they have to protect individuals. They have the gear, they have the training, and then they jump off a cliff because they have to. It’s simply their duty. For them, it’s their duty. For them, a police officer, that’s their duty. Why is it that a police officer in a stressful situation has to do this and sees it as a life-threatening situation? You are not seeing your lack of courage as a life-threatening situation, as we spoke about, by hurting your systems, hurting yourself at a physiological level. You’re hurting yourself by living in fear rather than in faith.

You made me speechless for a minute because my heart is so happy by something you said. I never paused to think about what you gave the example of that, for me, jumping off a cliff feels ridiculous, and there’s no purpose there except to get over a fear. When you add into the equation the piece about duty, and you feel that duty. If somebody I loved were down that cliff, my husband, one of my kids, my dog, a dear friend, I’d go over without a thought. It’s part of my value. I wouldn’t even think about it. I’d be like, “Oh my God, of course.”

You just gave me the biggest epiphany. Thank you. It’s about finding that duty. I call my work both a privilege and a responsibility because I feel very deeply it’s my responsibility to help others. It’s my duty. People will often say, I remember when I worked probation and worked with sexual offenders, “Why would you ever do that?” I was like, “Because it’s my duty.” Throw whatever you want at me. It’s my duty to help people who need help. I’m not going to say, “I’ll help you, but I’m not going to help you because you scare me.” They weren’t scary people. They were just individuals who needed guidance.

For you, they weren’t scary.

That’s true. We can use this. I’m going to embrace this concept. I love it so much because you’re right. You’re waking up my brain and heart in some ways because that’s why some people, whether it’s our readers” question about wanting a better job or better relationships, and why there’s sometimes disparity in relationships where one person is trying hard and the other person is like, “I don’t want to try hard.”

I would make a bet that the person who’s trying hard believes it’s their duty to feed that relationship. It’s one of their values to have a healthy relationship. For our reader who wrote in, the idea is, “Look at your values, dear soul. Look at what’s important to you.” I think they mentioned work, home, and hobbies. You want to be a great soccer player? Lean into it. Make it part of your duty to get whatever that looks like. You slip, you fall down. You tear your soccer shorts or whatever it is. All that stuff passes. You want someone in your relationship who’s good, kind, healthy and supportive. You deserve that. You want a job where you can shine and grow? I love this, JD, because you’re saying, go back to your values.

Go back to that moral compass, that North Star or stars that guide your life, and evaluate it from that perspective. If one of your values or duties, for me, one of my duties is to evolve until the day I die. I’m not so worried about death. I’m not even worried. I’m just interested in continuing to evolve. That is such a high value to me. It is a duty that drives me. For this individual, that may not be one of their values or duties. That too is okay. It’s about making friends with it, isn’t it?

Yes, and understanding what your personal values are and duty. Notwithstanding the noise of the world around you. For example, there is one, and it hasn’t been mentioned in any show that I’ve seen. Many people look at women in the workforce or women who go outside of the home. What about praising the women who are giving birth and being a mother who is a stay-at-home person? There is some fear attached to it.

We are designed for survival, but we are capable of thriving. Your values are your foundation. Share on X

I’m not claiming it is for everybody. I’m just saying, what if it is part of your value? The world is not pushing this out there. They’re showcasing certain things that might not fit your value system. If your duty or if you were called to be a mother and a caring individual for your children, then that’s your duty. I can tell you, I don’t know if you’ve seen it in your practice, but there are some parents out there, men and women, who would not jump off a cliff for their children.

Yet I’m hearing about Dr. Carla who would jump off a cliff for her family. For her, it’s a no-brainer. There are others for whom it’s not part, or not entirely part, but it might be at the lower stages of the pyramid in terms of their values. They’ve done many studies that show how individuals who are starting to date. They did a study where the first question was, “What are your values?”

The majority of the contestants or patients or individuals who partook in that study, were unable to answer. Going back to how we were created. We were created for survival. When you are created for survival, you are not thinking about your values. You are thinking about how to survive in this environment. How do I survive as an individual with my family, with the people around me?

Once you’re able to go back, be in a comfortable state, as you mentioned beautifully, write down your values or have this form of system. For me, I’m a Christian guy. It’s already written for me. Thank God. For other individuals, at least go back to the drawing board. Write down and understand your values are going back to its root so that before the storm comes, you are ready for it because it will. There’s not a perfect relationship that will happen with your children, your partner, or anyone in life if you’re looking for the perfect person.

I’m not apologetic about ruining all relationships for you, but if you’re waiting for the perfect individual, he or she does not exist. It does not exist. Even if we’re saying, “It’s the perfect individual,” for you. Why is it the perfect individual for you? That is because both of your values are matching to such a high degree that statistically speaking.

Both individuals would operate in a survival mode and still go on tracks and be able to function in a healthy relationship together because they’re both following their values. Both individuals are able to not even be in the same room and understand that they are even at a vibrational level or frequency. That’s because you are free to focus directly on your values, which your values will vibrate at that level and be able to be with this person in alignment with that person.

Thank you so much, because the values piece, it’s a critical part. As you said, the research shows that many people don’t know their values. They don’t know their priorities. It’s in my third book, Date Smart, I tell people, “You need to know.” We often go into relationships and be like, “What I want from the person. I want them to be this tall. I want them to have this body and make this amount of money, and I want a pet or a kid,” whatever it is.

Which is all based on survival.

That’s all survival. When we slow down and say, “What are my values?” Meaning, what guides me in life? For me, just like you, I have mine written down. At the top is integrity, respect, kindness, truth, all of these things. Down toward the bottom, there are things, and we might think everybody’s going to put financial success at the top. Financial stability to me shows hard work. We might value a person who is hard-working, even if they don’t have $8 billion, but we might value hard work as something I also value.

When we know these and talk to the other person, asking, “What are your values and what are your priorities?” We often see a mismatch. Somebody will say, “I value family,” but it’s fourth on my pyramid, and at the top is work. If work is your partner’s priority and your family is down at fourth or fifth, and your priority is family and work is third, that’s a pretty big misalignment. As you said, for somebody, they might not value a partner who stays at home and has that huge job, that very important job of staying home and tending to the children and the family.

I’m not saying it is the only way to do it. I say that I honor it and revere it, and that there are many upsides to it. I wish I could have had that role. I didn’t, but it would have been nice. However, I had a different role, and I was able to juggle a lot and learn a lot. It’s about knowing those values and living the values. We can write a list. We can say, “I want a partner who’s kind and respectful, has integrity, and is faith-based.”

 

Imperfect Love - Dr. Carla Manly | JD Tremblay | High Performance, Mental Resilience

 

The partner can say, “I also want someone who’s kind, has integrity, faith-based or whatever it may be.” It is another to live it day in and day out. As we’re looking at our values, we want to know that we live them or are doing our best to live them. If we want something from someone else, but we’re not doing it like, “I want a partner who’s faithful,” but we have a history of cheating on everybody and don’t plan on being faithful to our partner.

That’s a mismatch. For our listener to start here, by looking at their values and priorities, regardless of what their friends are doing. Their friends may have different priorities and values. I’m hearing you say we feel a lot better about ourselves and our lives when we know our values and are living in accord with them. Is that too simplistic?

The beauty of it is many people are talking online, which again becomes a lot of noise, about how to overcome fear. You jump in a cold bath or wake up at 4:00 in the morning or eat a certain type of food. Go back to simplicity and the basics. Our system is not built for success and thriving. We are built for survival. Go back to the basics if you don’t have that. As you mentioned amazingly, it’s about living in accordance with your values that will showcase to everybody and sticking the distance as well.

It’s understanding that there’s resilience, a certain level of discipline, and you get to radiate at a complete other level. It’s sad. The change that you will see and I have to warn you. Viewer discretion is advised. Very often when you shift, you don’t have to shift them completely, but when you live your values, I can tell you, you will be losing friends. You will be somewhat upset and a bit more lonely. That’s because other people have to adjust to your values, or they might have to leave your life.

Similarly to me, I left the family homes. I was coming back every year. The military was paying me to come back every year, and I would be coming back, visiting my family, then going back into operations and not seeing them for almost an entire year. That was an unhealthy environment. They were not in alignment with my values. That is a beautiful way of explaining that, at that moment, they were not in alignment with my values. It was unhealthy.

They had to do their own journey. I removed myself from that environment, which was stressful, and there was fear, but I viewed it as I will come back eventually if their values are in alignment with mine. I have a beautiful relationship with my dad. I saw him. He lives in a different city. I have a beautiful relationship with him. I’m just talking about my dad. We can talk about other members of my family, but let us just talk about my dad. We see each other often and call each other. We have a beautiful relationship.

Do our values match? They are in alignment. At that moment, we are able to reconcile. That’s not to say that we are forgetting about the past because there’s a difference between forgetting and forgiving. Again, forgiving them at the moment. They were unable to provide me with that level of love. I was able to say, “This is the level of love I will give myself and also to others.” Again, the way love operates is, you are not giving love to everybody around you by not being at your full potential.

That’s what you have to comprehend. If you are unable to be at the highest level of frequencies that you can or radiate at your full potential, then you are depriving all the other people of your best self and of love that you could provide them, even if you do not have to speak or perform an action. At that moment, I’m not saying I completely cut my parents out of my life entirely. What I did was remove myself for that period of time. Later in life, when our values were realigned, they did the work. I had to also do some work. I was a teenager. There was a lot to life that I was not comprehending. It’s not because they gave me a gun that suddenly I was able to comprehend life.

I had a journey. They had a journey. Our values aligned. Now we are giving the best to ourselves. That’s why I am now able to go on Dr. Carla Manly’s show and say, “This is the love we are providing to ourselves. I have a beautiful relationship with my dad,” and that’s because now our values are matching, and we are walking together. That can work for every type of relationship, whether it is a marital relationship, or filial, which is at the level of love with a friend or co-worker or it is in terms of maybe with your children. Sometimes it needs a certain distance.

The Battle Against Yourself

JD, as we wrap up, I just want to jump in on one final piece and get your opinion on it, because you had said how important it is for some people to jump into a cold pull or take a cold plunge or do a mountain bike adventure ride, or parachute into the desert. I do not know what they’re doing. You get the thing. They think that sometimes it is helpful psychologically to become more of your best self. Yet I have also found that many people who are high-energy or adrenaline junkies, and even people who are not, they forget that doing these little occasional adrenaline pieces are not necessarily self-growth.

A lot of self-growth comes from much more basic endeavors, such as being willing to make eye contact and have a healthy, soulful conversation, or being willing to withstand the anxiety about talking about things with a loved one or even going to a therapist that makes you feel anxious. These are not temporary tough-guy or tough-girl rewards or adventures, but they’re the more lasting reward of having the courage to do the hardest work I believe we will ever do, which is diving into the self.

The hardest work you will ever do is the work you do on yourself. It's time to break through. Share on X

Healing our wounds that hold us back, working on becoming more attuned to our values, living our values. There’s an adrenaline rush when you’re having a conversation that you’re afraid you might run out of the room. You might want to shut down. To me, there is such courage. I admire my clients so much who have the courage to look at what holds them back in life, to look at their trauma, to look at their limitations in being able to have emotionally intelligent conversations, and dare to go into that area. Is that one of the hardest areas of life to work at?

It’s the battle against ourselves. We are the creators of our own success, whether it’s in health or finances. To a certain degree, I understand that there are other variables to the equation. To the maximum extent, we are the creators of our own success. Going back to the basics, if you don’t have a solid foundation of running, why would I teach you about breath work? All of these cold plunges and nutrition are healthy and part of running.

If you don’t have a strong running foundation, if you don’t even know the basics, then why would I teach you about other parts? This is where I have noticed in my practice or at the Hungry Warrior Academy that a lot of men are failing. I’m referring to men because that’s who we primarily deal with, though in your practice it would be both genders. We tend not to have it concrete or even live by our own values. Going back to the basics is crucial. Understanding that you will have a strong foundation.

Now that you’re able to live by them, other people will adjust to it. If they’re not ready, they will either adjust eventually, or you will be lonely for some time because there are some people in the world that for you it was integrity. That was one of the first values you mentioned. This means that there are individuals out there who value integrity as their top value. You will merge in some capacity, somewhat like a domino effect.

Where one goes into the other one but it’s also all of these other numbers that might fit but not in line completely. Maybe integrity might be a number three value. It’s still part of my values. Therefore, we are still able to match, be on a beautiful show, and have a conversation. Respect is part of it. Respect is part of mine as well. Mine is at the top, yours wasn’t. Yours was third or fourth but we’re still able to merge a beautiful conversation and inspire all the readers to face their fear. It is a difficult journey, but as you talked about earlier, it’s by doing the difficult work that we get to achieve the top of our mountain.

There you go. It is doing that difficult work internally, first and foremost, that helps us be our best selves. JD, you have been a fabulous guest and so much fun. Can you tell our readers where they can find you and more about your incredible work?

We are at HungryWarriorAcademy.com. We cater only to men, but I’m sure that all the women reading have either a man in their life or know a man that might be in need of some work, clarity and discipline that we can help them physically, mentally, and also spiritually. If we are not the right fit, that’s also fine.

It sounds like it’s a place to help you work on all parts of your being, mentally, emotionally, physically, and if somebody chooses, spiritually. Regardless of your gender, this is the type of work JD is talking about. I have taken away so many gifts from this episode. Thank you, JD. It has been such a joy and a pleasure.

Thank you, Dr. Carla.

To our readers, thank you so much for being with me, with us on this journey. It is, as always, a tremendous joy and a privilege. This is Imperfect Love.

 

 

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About JD Tremblay

Imperfect Love - Dr. Carla Manly | JD Tremblay | High Performance, Mental ResilienceJD Tremblay is an integrated engineer, ultra-endurance triathlete, certified naturopath practitioner, and Director of High Performance & Mental Resilience at Hungry Warrior Academy. He applies engineering principles to human biology and behaviour to help individuals build resilience, regulate their nervous system, and perform with clarity under pressure. With over a decade of military service and experience as a volunteer firefighter, JD’s work is grounded in discipline, service, and real-world performance.

Drawing from his experience completing extreme endurance challenges like the EpicDeca, he specializes in turning complex health and performance concepts into simple, structured systems that help people prevent burnout, build consistency, and sustain high performance in both their personal and professional lives.