Many people – whether married or in other long-term love relationships – begin to feel that they don’t want to settle for a romantic partnership that lacks sparkle, connection, and joy. And this makes sense, especially if destructive dynamics are at work behind the scenes. Although many love relationships lose their luster over time, I’ve found that a bit of polishing and loving attention can help them shine more brightly than ever before. Today, I’m joined by a renowned relationship expert, researcher, and author, Dr. Terri Orbuch, who will walk us through the five simple steps that can help your romantic relationship go from dull and merely tolerable to great. Topics discussed include connection, emotional connection, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy, attachment style, healthy disagreements, conflict, 10-minute rule, novelty, mystery, companionship, friendship, divorce, marriage, long-term relationship, happiness, and stability.

Topics discussed include connection, emotional connection, intimacy, sex, sexual intimacy, attachment style, healthy disagreements, conflict, 10-minute rule, novelty, mystery, companionship, friendship, divorce, marriage, long-term relationship, happiness, and stability.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with Dr. Terri Orbuch:

Website: https://drterrithelovedoctor.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/terriorbuch/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrTerriLoveDr/#

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Listen to the podcast here

LOVE BOOST: 5 Simple Steps to Make Your Relationship GREAT!

5 Simple Steps to Take Your Romantic Relationship from Dull to Great!

Many people, whether married or in other long-term love relationships, begin to feel that they don’t want to settle for a romantic partnership that lacks sparkle, connection, and joy. This makes sense, especially if destructive dynamics are at work behind the scenes. Yet, I’ve found that many love relationships lose their luster over time, but with a bit of polishing and loving attention, they can shine more brightly than ever before. I am joined by a renowned relationship expert who will walk us through the five simple steps that can help you take your romantic relationship from dull and merely tolerable to great. We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question.

“My husband and I have been married for seventeen years. Things have been pretty stale. There’s no more passion between us. We’re more like tolerant friends than lovers, and I want more. I don’t know how or if we can create something new or if it’s time to call it quits. Our daughter is leaving for college in a few months. It seems like this is a good time for a change. Do you think we can salvage things or should I just get on with my life?”That question as the focus of this episode. Please note as this episode may contain sensitive information, reader discretion is advised. If you’d like further information, please see the links.

I’m joined by a delightful special guest, Dr. Terri Orbuch. Dr. Terri is known as the Love Doctor. She is a Relationship Coach, Researcher, and Author. Welcome to the show, Dr. Terri. It’s such a joy to have with us.

Thank you, Dr. Carla. It is wonderful to be here with you.

Before we launch into this very yummy topic and not an uncommon one, could you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you you?

I grew up in a very psychology, therapy, and relationship home and family in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I’m definitely a Midwestern gal, and I used to sit with my family at the dinner table, and my father’s a psychiatrist, my mother’s a therapist, my sister’s a therapist, and my brother’s in healthcare. We would get asked questions all about our relationships.

From a very young age, I asked whys, I was interested in relationships, and I knew from a very young age, Dr. Carla, that I wanted to study relationships and be a psychologist. Now, I have two adult children, and they are also therapists. There’s something in the water, something in my genes, or something as you asked that makes me me that’s curious about why people value and crave connection.

Why science or research can help us find out why that’s so important in our lives. In fact, we know studies show that our relationships are vital to our health and wellbeing, whether we’re talking about physical wellbeing or psychological wellbeing. I’m all about how to find and keep relationships from a science-based perspective.

Thank you for sharing your background with us. It sounds actually very enviable, very lovely to grow up. That would be a dinner table I would love to be at, one with a psychiatrist, a therapist as a mom, a bunch of psychologists at the table. Might be a little intense, but it would certainly never get boring.

What Makes Or Breaks A Marriage

I have a question for you. I know that you’ve done a lot of research around relationships. What was your research focused on, and what were your findings?

I’ve been studying the same 373 couples, all who got married in 1986, for the last 30-plus years. Half of those couples divorced, and we continued to follow the individuals to look at effects of divorce, who repartners, but also looking at what keeps couples together and happy and what breaks them apart. Let’s start with the married couples first, and I think the findings apply to all couples, whether you’re married or not.

First, I think it’s all about focusing on the positive things, the strengths of your relationship. What we found, and by the way, I say “we” because it’s a large National Institutes of Health study, I’m the Director, but lots of people were involved from interviewers to graduate students to undergraduate students as well.

The first thing, as I mentioned, that we found is that it’s important to focus on the strengths, the things that are going well in your relationship because all relationships have challenges, no relationship is perfect, as you know. When you focus and concentrate on the positives and the strengths, it motivates you to move forward and, when you do come upon those challenges or costs or not-so-good things, they don’t seem as negative. That was really apparent not only from what the partners in our study told us but what we found looking at the data and the findings.

The second thing I think that’s really important is that it’s not the big things that tear couples apart like financial difficulties, parental loss, unemployment, but it’s the small little things that tear couples apart. The couples would talk about the toilet paper roll being on wrong or the toothpaste roll not being rolled up correctly or somebody not saying something right at one point in time.

What we found is that following these couples over time, remember 30-plus years, these things start out small and simple, but they become bigger and bigger if they’re not addressed. It may start out with the toilet paper roll or the toothpaste roll or somebody not responding correctly, but then it becomes if not addressed, bigger and bigger. While you can address it at the beginning when it’s small, when it becomes big like, “You’re not paying attention to me at all,” or “You don’t love me,” or “We never get along”, that’s much more difficult to unpack and leads to unhappiness, divorce or breakup over time. I think those are two of the really interesting, even surprising findings from the study.

I so agree, especially with point two. I often talk about that as a relationship backpack. I know that’s the metaphor I use in my fourth book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, that we start a relationship, and we have this lovely little relationship backpack on, and it’s light and everything’s wonderful, but as we move through the relationship, if we don’t tend to those little and big owies that come up, but especially those little ones, those irksome ones, they just get thrown into that backpack.

Each one is a pebble, and one pebble alone isn’t that big of a deal. Okay, fine, you put the toilet paper roll on this way, and I, but then you add more and more of this lack of attunement, a lack of seeing, lack of resolution, and that backpack gets so heavy. You’re right, unpacking it when it weighs a couple of ounces is one thing. Unpacking when it’s grown to weigh several pounds or 100 pounds, that can often feel too daunting for people to feel able or even want to make it through. Thank you.

I love that metaphor. Thank you.

You’re welcome. It just feels like that to me in relationships. If you’re the only person trying to bring out, or your partner’s the only person, if both are not doing it, those backpacks get very heavy. If both are invested in resolving it, it can be easy and light work, sometimes a little challenging but generally easy and light when you get used to it.

If one partner’s trying and the other partner is saying, “No, I’m not interested” or shutting down or escaping, then that actually becomes a boulder added on to all of those other pebbles and rocks. I really believe that there has to be that willingness from both people to want to lighten that relationship load. It’s not fun. We go back to the listener’s question when they’re saying, “It’s not fun anymore, it’s not lively, it’s dull, it’s lackluster.”

Why We Crave Validation And Affirmation

When we think of that, it’s how it feels if you’re carrying a really heavy backpack. There’s not a lot of room to dance and play if you’re weighted down with all of this. It does make sense. Another question for you, those are two really key pieces and I appreciate both of those. Do you have one more highlight of that research? I just find it so fascinating.

I think another really interesting finding that has some practical implications is that in a relationship, we all need to be seen and valued. We want to be loved and we want to be cared for, and so I call that affirmation, validation. What we found following these couples over time is that when you don’t feel valued and cared for and seen, which we all really need, even biologically need, that’s again when we become very unhappy.

There are two ways to be seen, at least what we found from our study following these couples over time. You can be seen through words like, “I love you, I care for you. I love you more now than when you first, we first met”, or “You’re my best friend, the best father, the best partner,” those are all words, and then there are actions. You turn on the coffee pot in the morning because you know your partner needs caffeine or you give your partner a hug or you write them a special note and leave it on the bed or the dresser and those are actions.

What I found is that when partners don’t get that regularly, and almost daily, by the way, Dr. Carla, couples were almost two times more likely to divorce over time. Feeling heard, feeling seen, whether through words or actions, becomes so significant to the happiness and the stability of the relationship. Even more surprising, that was more important for men than it was for women.

Why, you might ask, why is that more important for men than women? It’s because as women, Dr. Carla, we get that affirmation from a lot of other people in our lives, from our sisters and our best friends and our children, neighbors. Even when I go into the coffee shop and I have a new pair of glasses or a new haircut, the person behind the counter says, “Dr. Terri, I love your glasses, I love your hair.” Unfortunately, men don’t get that affirmation from others, so they crave it, they need it, and if they don’t get it from their romantic partner, they look for it elsewhere. Affirmation is so important to stability and happiness in relationships.

Thank you so much. I think that’s such a critical piece, and I love how you frame it. I hadn’t thought about that, quite honestly, about women getting it from girlfriends, moms, sisters, society in general. “You have on a pretty dress,” or “I like your haircut,” kind of thing, and men, I don’t know why we’re shy about telling a man that he looks good. I know my husband gets a lot of comments on the shirts I get him, but I think that’s about as far as that goes.

I agree with you that it is that part where even as children, from childhood forward, we want to be valued, we want to be seen, we want to be appreciated. As we grow up, it’s that craving still is with us because we’re human. We want someone to acknowledge us and really appreciate who we are and what we bring to the relationship.

I agree with you that having both the words, the “I love you” without actions that back it up, it just rings hollow. If we have both the “I love you” followed by an attunement to the other person’s needs, whether it’s a neck massage or a hug or a kiss or as you said, making coffee, all of those little acts of kindness that if we either don’t practice them or we become so used to them that we don’t notice them anymore.

That’s key, by the way, notice what others are doing. Perhaps people are looking for the words and the actions are coming, while other people are looking for the actions and the words are coming. I think it’s key, what you just said, Dr. Carla, that yes, we want to do both but sometimes we need to understand that our partner, our romantic partner or our friend or family member is only good at giving it one way and not dismiss that they’re trying to at least show us or tell us that they value us and care about us.

Absolutely, and to not be afraid to kindly ask a partner to say, “I really appreciate that you tell me you love me, but it would also feel really good if you would give me a hug when you came home, if you would brush my hair, if you would massage my arms,” whatever your thing might be, but first appreciating the partner for something that they are doing well and then asking for something that would also make you feel good.

How To Get Over A Relationship Rut

I think that’s so critical in all of our relationships. Sometimes, we don’t know what we need, we just know that we’re really thirsty for something more in the relationship. I think that’s a big thing as well. What do you think about that piece, about knowing what you want, which really takes us back to this listener’s question? I know there’s sometimes not a lot of time or energy or space for putting down all your concerns in an inquiry, but I’m almost getting a sense that they want more connection.

They’re not saying,”I want more sex, I want more vacations, I want more acts of loving kindness,” they’re just saying they want more. Sounds like sparkle and joy. For each person, sparkle and joy can look different and feel different and arise from different sources. What are your thoughts on that piece?

Absolutely, I think it’s so important for us to sit back and become self-aware and identify what we need.  Most of the time we want to blame the other person, “They’re not doing X, they’re always doing Y.” I really encourage everyone to sit back and say, “What do I need?” I think that’s what you’re asking, Dr. Carla. “What do I need in this relationship? How do I need support? How do I define sparkle or passion or ignite a relationship.” What do I need?

I think the person’s question is so important, and it leads almost to another finding as well, Dr. Carla. That is that all of the couples that I have been following over time, and I want to underline all, go into what I call a relationship rut. That’s what this person is describing to me, at least. “It’s the same old, same old, it’s boring, it lacks a little sparkle or joy or passion,” and we don’t know, like you said, but it just falls into a relationship rut.

Inevitably, when we look at research studies, relationships can’t hold on to that excitement. It’s not possible. In all relationships, the sparkle, the passion, the fire, joy, whatever you want to call it, inevitably declines. It doesn’t have to disappear, but it declines. I think what all of us need to recognize is that that’s part of a relationship over time.

When we look at research, it’s not you, it’s not your partner, and it’s not the relationship. However, there are ways to reignite passion, there are ways to get out of a relationship rut. We may like the predictability of doing the same old, same old, but actually, there are three ways to reignite the passion. One is newness.

Before we get into the ways to reignite it, I just wanted to lean into something that you had said about this being a dynamic that affects all of the participants that you followed over, 300 of them, 50% end divorce, tried something different, and the remaining ones also experienced the relationship rut. I think it’s so important for us to notice that whether it’s a new job, a new home, a new friendship, a new love relationship, we get excited at the beginning. It’s new, it’s different. All of these wonderful neurochemicals are coursing through our bodies and our bodies, minds, and spirits cannot take that constant up and down, especially if there’s a big infatuation or a big growth phase involved.

What it can be replaced by is not boredom, and I think we often don’t focus on this piece. What we get in return is the comfort and safety of if the relationship is healthy, we get the comfort and safety of being at home with our partner and it can be easy if we’re contrasting that with the newness, which can be a bit crazy-making of an early stages of a relationship. Thank heaven for those periods of comfort and safety and stability that can permeate a really healthy relationship.

Not only do they allow us ease and joy and connection, but they also give us time to regroup because life invariably throws curveballs. Whether it’s in the relationship or with a kid or with something at work, I think we often forget the upside of those comfortable safe dynamics in a healthy couple. I think it’s again I’m reiterating it, but it’s so important not to confuse that with boredom.

Absolutely, Dr. Carla. In fact, psychologists like myself who study relationships over time talk about two different kinds of love. Passionate love, which is the love at the beginning of a relationship which is exciting and wonderful. I’ve been married 33 years and I remember vividly those beginning months or years. Inevitably, our bodies can’t take it, our relationships can’t take it, and like you said, life needs to go on.

It’s companionate love, the love of intimacy and support and friendship that really is the glue that keeps relationships together. Although we may call it a relationship rut, but it is that comfort, as you mentioned, that keeps us together, that forms the bond. In fact, in my work with Coffee Meets Bagel that looked at daters, that’s really what they’re looking for.

Over 90% of daters said, “I want that emotional closeness, I want that emotional connection, I want that long-term love that is the love of support and friendship and intimacy.” whether you’re in a relationship and looking at it through the lens of my research, or a dater, a single, looking at it through the research of Coffee Meets Bagel or other research on singles, we all want, crave, and need that emotional connection, that stability, friendship, and intimacy. I totally agree with you.

Thank you for pausing there with me. I just wanted to really highlight that for anyone because it can be really common. I’ve worked with plenty of people where they are in a true relationship rut where there are negative dynamics and one or both partners aren’t attending to the other. There are some where they start work with me and then they realize “We actually have this really good relationship, we have this wonderful intimacy and friendship, but maybe we just need to spice it up.”

That might mean travel, that might mean more acts of loving kindness, that might be infusing their sex life with something different, new or more sexual intimacy, whatever it might be, but that doesn’t mean that relationship is a throwaway, it simply might mean that it’s time to give it a refresh. I think that’s important.

The other thing before you go into the tips to help move things forward.When you spoke about relationships with these marriages, that 50% ended in divorce, and I know a lot of people quote those statistics of that ilk, 47%, 50%, 53%, and I’m not saying those findings aren’t accurate, but they compare them as if marriage is bad or marriage is not a success. What we don’t have are corresponding statistics for all of the people who are in relationships that aren’t tracked.

People who have long-term partnerships or short-term partnerships, we don’t know what percentage of those end or when they end because they aren’t documented. Marriage certificate is something you get at the county office and then it’s recorded and we can track that, but we don’t necessarily really have good stats on how many of non-documented relationships end, and from my experience, a lot of them end with a lot more frequency than marriage. I really hate to see or dislike seeing marriage seen as if it’s the culprit. I don’t believe marriage is the culprit, I think it’s our dynamics within any relationship be they healthy or unhealthy that make the big difference.

Absolutely, I agree with you, and we’re starting to track what I call non-married relationships, all those partnerships that don’t have a marriage certificate, a legal marriage certificate. We’re starting to track those, Dr. Carla, and in my study after the married couples divorced, we are continuing to follow those individuals into their partnerships and some remarry, but some repartner, and some don’t repartner or remarry.

We’re starting to follow individuals in these non-married and single lifestyles to see their happiness, to see what are the factors that lead to repartnership, how do people repartner, who’s staying together and who isn’t. The other thing I wanted to mention, Dr. Carla, is when people say one out of two marriages divorced, I say “It’s only 50%”, because when you think about it, first, the divorce rate in the mid-1990s was 66%.

We have seen a decline in the divorce rates in the United States. When you think about it, from my perspective, you have two people coming together from different families, different lifestyles, sometimes religion and race and culture, I’m surprised that the divorce rate is only 1 out of 2. I’m just saying I agree with everything you’ve said and there’s even more justification for saying “I’m surprised it’s only 50%.”

Thank you for all of that good data. I appreciate it and your perspective. I think that when we look at again at the listener’s question and how they’re saying, “Should I work on this or should I throw it away,” and that’s not something you can answer or I can answer, but it is something worth this individual perhaps slowing down to evaluate what she might or they might want to do differently, how invested the partner is in doing things differently.

5 Simple Steps To Make Your Relationship Great

What they might envision if they did move on. What might that look like? Are they looking for another partner, are they looking as some people are there’s more and more people in the grey divorce mode looking for singlehood, not necessarily replacing the partner. There are all sorts of possibilities. Before we give up on this person and their relationship, what are the steps forward? Give us some of the yumminess.

Give you some of the yumminess, I like that. First, I should say, like you mentioned, Dr. Carla, that I can’t tell this person whether they should stay or leave. This is really up to them. What I can say first is that as I follow these couples over time, many people are putting their relationships on the back burner while they’re attending to children and other family members, surviving in terms of income and finances and jobs.

They’re taking the relationship off of the back burner once things settle down, things are less stressful, children are leaving the home as the person was talking about, and they’re looking at the other person and saying “Who did I marry or who did I partner with? I’m different, but is this person different?” I want to first acknowledge that many people are doing that and that if you haven’t been attending to the relationship and doing some small simple things to improve or affirm or communicate with one another, you’re going to look at the other person and say, “They’ve changed and I’ve changed.”

Now, the first thing I recommend if we’re talking about adding spice or excitement, and many of these tips you already mentioned. There are three things that I talk about. First is newness. What we find is that if you add new and novel activities to a relationship that either partner, neither partner has done before, you can add a little excitement and spice and reignite the passion.

That can be a new restaurant, a new travel spot, a new way to go out. Instead of going to a movie, you go to an escape room or an activity, a thing that you do together. Second, you want to add a little mystery to the relationship. When we put our relationship on the back burner for many years or months, we forget to ask questions to the other person.

Everybody’s changing and things are going on, we just assume we know what’s in our partner’s heart and heads, but people change. Mystery is all about asking questions to get to know your partner again. What you did when the relationship was new. Mirror those questions. Maybe you never knew if they had a pet or where they traveled to or who their best friend was. Get to know your partner again, and that adds excitement and passion.

Lastly, third, I love to talk to my clients about what I call arousal-producing activities. It’s actually not sexual or sex-oriented at all. What we know is that when we look at studies and research, if you can do what I call an adrenaline-producing activity with your partner like exercise, ride a roller coaster ride in an amusement park, even though I don’t like roller coasters at all.

Go to a scary movie, right, or even go to a comedy club where you have that heartfelt big laugh. What we know, again, studies show, is that the adrenaline that’s produced through that other activity can actually get transferred to your relationship and your partner and reignite some passion and excitement. Now, those are all producing or reigniting passion, and I just want to mention one other simple tip, and that is to practice what I call the ten-minute rule.

When we asked all of these couples over time, “Do you communicate?” Everybody said yes. Every single couple said yes, “I communicate with my partner.” Now, we know I said about 1 out of 2 couples divorced over time because those couples that divorced were talking to one another, but they were talking about things that I call maintaining the relationship.

“Who’s going to do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, empty the dishwasher, or pick up the kids?” When I talk about communication, I’m talking about what drives you, your stressors, your goals, your aspirations, what really you are about, your authentic self. I talk a lot about practicing what I call the 10-minute rule, 10 minutes every day. You can do more, but at least ten minutes talking to your partner about something other than work, family or children, who’s going to do what around the house, or your relationship. What I found following these couples over time is that when they did that 10-minute rule and talked about those other topics, significantly more likely to stay together and be happy.

Dr. Terri, I absolutely love all of those pieces that you shared and especially, I have to say, number 4 because I think that 10-minute rule is such a critical part because if we lose, going back again as you said before, when we’re dating someone, we’re filled with questions, we’re asking. We want to know about the history, we want to know about hopes, dreams, where they grew up, how they grew up, all of these things and we’re showing all of this passionate interest.

Things become ho-hum as the relationship goes on. We talk about politics, sports, we talk about what the kids are doing, we talk about what we’re going to do on the weekend or with friends, but we don’t go into that part, and as you said earlier, we are changing. If anyone’s looking at their partner and saying, “I already know everything about my partner,” well, then they’re not paying attention.

Every moment, every day, we are changing. We’ve learned something new, we have new thoughts, we have new experiences, and we forget to be really deeply truly interested. I’m not going to blame social media here, but I do think it’s a very big factor. Partners often say, “I don’t have the time or energy to do that to really tune into my partner,” but yet, unfortunately, they’ll spend a couple of hours doom-scrolling or on social media or watching a movie or a video or little youtube clips, whatever they might be.

I don’t believe any of those actions on their own are unhealthy, but if they’re taking away from the quality of the relationship, then I think that says everything because what we invest in, where we put our time, whether it’s work, whether it’s kids, whether it’s social media, whether it’s the relationship with a loved one, where we spend our time is where we’re going to get the biggest payoff.

If we’re not investing in our relationship by really tuning in to that beautiful soul across from us, then we might want to look at why we’re not doing that because we can’t expect a relationship to maintain itself. There has to be a lot of curiosity and energy and love being poured in from both directions.

I completely 100% agree. I think one of the reasons why people don’t do that is because they think it’s hard work, that it’s going to take hours and hours. What I found following these couples is it’s not hard work to have a good relationship. Both people, like you said, need to put out effort, but it’s the small consistent things that make relationships work.

Ten minutes a day asking questions, being curious, I love that word curiosity, being curious, investing, asking a question, or waking up every single day and giving one piece of affirmation to your partner whether it’s words or actions or both, but these simple little consistent things are what make relationships great.

Absolutely, it is that glue. Sometimes I really think for certain people, especially if there is sort of an avoidant-dismissive attachment style going on, often, having a ten-minute conversation about something that’s not superficial can feel pretty scary because there, you know, might feel, “If I ask them about them, and they ask me about me, and what is this deep stuff? Why are they wanting to talk about deep things?”

We’re wanting to talk about deep things because that’s where, you know, so much of the beauty of relationships and the self is. It’s not in who my favorite sports team is. That’s interesting, but there’s a lot more going on behind the scenes and underneath the surface that I think we sometimes get afraid of diving into. As you said, some people think it’ll take too much time, some people worry it’ll take too much energy.

Disagreements Are A Part Of Every Relationship

Of course, my profession is a psychologist, but to me, one of the most fascinating things in the world is to dive into what makes somebody else tick. What their hopes are, what their dreams are, what their troubles are, what their joys are. If we take that attitude with a partner, that’s how we make them feel seen, when we take an interest in who they are. Dr. Terri, love it. It’s always such a delight to talk with you. Do you have any other pieces that you’d like to share with our readers? I know there’s a lot.

There is a lot. I think the last thing I want to share is that we all have differences between ourselves and our partners. We all have conflict and stressful times with our partner. Many people assume that conflict and differences and stress are bad. What I’ve found is that all couples have conflict. I shouldn’t say all, but mos. There were twelve couples in my study in Year 1 who said, “We never have conflict. We don’t have any differences. We never fight.” none of those couples were still together in Year 3.

What I’d like to share is that it’s okay to have conflict and differences and stress. It’s how you handle the conflict, how you manage it, those differences, that stress together, and that conflict. That’s really what we found that’s so important as well. That constructive conflict, constructive conflict management and styles, and handling stress together is also a predictor, is also an important factor in what keeps people together and what breaks them apart.

If you’re not sharing what’s really important to you or the differences, you’re not sharing you, as you said, Dr. Carla. Do that, but be constructive. That’s a whole another topic, what are constructive conflict styles and what are destructive. It’s good conflict. It’s listening, it’s being patient, it’s validating, it’s no name-calling, no yelling. Those are the things that are really important.

Thank you for that. I’ll call it our fifth piece, our fifth nugget. I couldn’t agree with you more that disagreements are a part of every relationship. It’s okay to disagree. When we disagree, it shows that somebody else has a different perspective. There’s something we can learn from. If we can learn what their point of view is, we don’t have to agree with it. We might ultimately agree with it, but we might learn something if we get curious.

When we use our disagreements to really shore up the relationship, to create more connection, ruptures will happen. As I always say, it’s how the ruptures happen, it’s how they’re healed. If it’s a big rupture, as you said, and there’s name-calling and, “You always do this, you always do that,” then that’s not going to be healthy. If the rupture happens and the people are able to come back together and say, “I see what I could have done differently,” or “I apologize for hurting your feelings. In the future, I’m going to do this instead of that,” and using the disagreements as a way to forge connection, a way to forge emotional intelligence, a way to self-regulate and even co-regulate.

We aren’t afraid of the disagreements. We more look at them like a pebble that we stepped on, and we’re like, “Okay, stepped on this pebble. Okay, let me handle this pebble and then move on.” you don’t let it ruin the entire journey. You just start noticing the pebbles and if you’re being attentive in your marriage, then you encounter less of them along the way because you’re being aware of what your partner needs, they’re being aware of what you need, what works for you, what doesn’t work for you.

Get In Touch With Dr. Terri

Dr. Terri, I completely agree. I think it’s really interesting, but not surprising, that the couples who never had conflict, all of them ended up divorced. I can see why, because being able to talk about the natural things that come up and being able to make it through them, whether they’re big or little, it’s just part of how we grow and learn in life. It’s part of what can fuse us together if we work at it. Dr. Terri, where can our readers find you?

Thank you. I have a website. It’s DrTerriTheLoveDoctor.com. That’s my website. I’m also on social media, Dr. Terri Love Dr. As well, Facebook, Instagram. LinkedIn, Dr. Terri Orbuch. I encourage people to reach out, go to my website, look at my books, and see how the advice can help them in their relationships.

Thank you again, Dr. Terri, for being with us. It has been such a joy, a privilege, and a pleasure.

Thank you, Dr. Carla. It’s been fun and such a pleasure as well.

Thank you. To our readers, as always, thank you for sharing your time, your presence, your energy with us. It’s always a delight and an honor. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Dr. Terri Orbuch
• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• Dr. Terri Orbuch on Facebook
• Dr. Terri Orbuch on Instagram
• Dr. Terri Orbuch on LinkedIn
• Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information
• Mental Health and Relationships
• 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great
• Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship
• Secrets to Surviving Your Children’s Love Relationships: A Guide for Parents
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Dr. Terri Orbuch

Dr. Terri Orbuch (PhD), also known as The Love Doctor®, is an author, speaker, therapist, relationship coach, Distinguished Professor at Oakland University, and research scientist at University of Michigan, Institute for Social Research. She is also the director of a landmark study, funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), where she has been following the same 373 couples for over 3 decades. Dr. Orbuch is widely published in scientific journals and the author of five relationship books including, “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.” Learn more about her at: DrTerriTheLoveDoctor.com.