We often believe that great relationships–and great sex–should come naturally. After all, movies and social media feed us carefully curated versions of idealized romances, perfectly toned bodies, and deliciously steamy sex. Yet in real life, romantic relationships and the sex that comes with them can feel anything but deeply affirming and satisfying. To help us understand the secrets to fostering genuine relational and sexual connection, I’m joined by a top-notch guest, Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn. Dr. Tara is a sexologist, researcher, professor, and author who is known as “The Internet’s Resident Sexpert.”

Topics discussed include sexuality, sex, sexual intimacy, sex education, sexual wellness, sexploration, communication, play, toxic dynamics, attraction, slow burn relationships, friendships, sexual compatibility, sexual inhibitions, sexual repression, anxiety, comparison, marriage, dating, relationships, ex-relationships, long term partnerships, monogamous relationships, monogamy, exploration, confidence, blame, shame, guilt, and defensiveness.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/ and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

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Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn:

Website: http://www.luvbites.co/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/luvbites.co/

Twitter/X: https://x.com/luvbitesco

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@luvbites.co

Book by Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn:

How Do You Like It? A Guide For Getting What You Want (In Bed)

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Sex on Fire! Expert Strategies for Intimacy & Connection!

Better Love, Better Sex: Secrets for Improving Connection!

Dr. Tara’s Unapologetic Approach to Human Sexuality

We often believe that great relationships and great sex should come naturally. After all, movies and social media feed us carefully curated versions of idealized romances, perfectly toned bodies, and perfectly steamy sex. Yet, in real life, romantic relationships and the sex that comes with them can feel anything but deeply affirming and satisfying. To help us understand the keys to fostering genuine, relational and sexual connection, I’m joined by a top-notch guest whose work as a sexologist, researcher and professor has earned her the title of the Internet’s Resident Sexpert.

In this episode, we’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “My partner and I dated a lot before getting together. He is an awesome match for me on so many levels, but our sexual connection has never been great. I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he gets defensive like I’m blaming him but I’m not. This sounds bad, but I secretly compare our sex to what I’ve had in prior relationships. I don’t know what to do because I love him. Can you help?” With that question as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly, and this is Imperfect Love. Please note as this episode does contain sexual content and sensitive information. Please take care before proceeding. Now, let’s move to our fabulous guests, Dr. Tara.

Dr. Tara, it’s such a joy to have you on the show with us.

Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to jump in.

It’s a pleasure to have you with us. Before we jump into this very steamy topic. Can you tell our readers just a little bit about what makes you, you?

What makes me, me is the shame free, unapologetic, open-minded stance I have towards human sexuality. Whatever situation you’re experiencing, whatever problems you have or whatever Kings you’re into. I’m here to listen, accept and help you move towards your goal. That is what’s uniquely different about me. I have zero judgment. I have heard everything and anything about what people are into and I mean people are into very unique things.

That’s humanity, isn’t it? We are all unique. I’m curious because what you’re talking about isn’t mainstream. For many people, it can bring up anxiety, fear, blame, shame, and all of these things. I’m wondering. I know that I grew up very Catholic. I’m no longer practicing Catholicism, but that gets wired into you very early on. You have to work if you want to work for yourself in different areas.

It takes a lot of effort, patience, self-compassion and compassion from other people. Could you tell me, if you don’t mind. Did you grow up in a very sex open environment where your parents may have talked about sexuality openly? Is this something that came to you later where you realized, “I want to work on this in myself and thus, help other people?” What’s your backstory?

Developing a Healthy Perspective from a Repressive Background

I worked on it extensively. It’s very hard to get here. My background is not too different from yours. I went to an all-girls Catholic school. We always joke about, “How did that turn out?” I’m here talking about butt sex online but I grew up in Thailand. I grew up in Bangkok with my very loving family, but very sexually repressive. My parents are very religious. They’re Buddhists. They’re practicing Buddhism and they are religious Buddhist people.

We used to go to the temple 2-3 times a week growing up. We were praying every day and meditating every day. I had a mix of Buddhism and Catholicism in my head growing up. If you can imagine the sexual repression that I went through, as much as I am very much a faith-based person. I still pray every day and meditate. I believe in God. I do think that organized religions have limitations and tend to be sexually repressive.

When I became a sex expert or a certified sexologist, I learned to separate the idea of faith and the things that I believe in from the things that I didn’t feel like were healthy messages. From basically what are healthy messages and healthy ways to live considering your sexual well-being. I grew up with all of that as a background, but then I moved abroad. I went to high school in Europe and then I came to America to pursue a graduate degree.

When I came to America, I lived in LA. Los Angeles is one of the most sexually open places on earth. That was a big culture shock. At the same time, I was studying human communication, but particularly in relationships. What I had learned was that relationships are the most important thing in life based on the longitudinal study from Harvard. That shows social relationships are basically the predictor of life satisfaction.

By the end of life, what people wish they had was better, closer, and stronger social relationships. I studied relationships but then, after investigating deeper into relationships, I learned that one universal problem that people have regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, religion, whether from how much money they make or who they voted for is a sex problem.

I then dedicated my adult life studying sexuality, sexual satisfaction and sexual communication. I have now been a professor of Sexual Communication at Cal State University for a decade and just published my book, How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed) in 2025. Everything’s going well in terms of teaching the mass to become more sex positive.

Thank you for that wonderful background. It tells me a lot about you and your journey. It makes you very relatable. This is for readers, if this resonates with you. If you grew up in a more sexually repressive environment or maybe if you have sexual trauma in your background. This journey is not easy. It takes some effort. It takes a lot of tender loving and care. Moving forward to find your way and what’s right for you. It’s funny, Dr. Tara. I went to an all-girl school but mine was limited to high school. The forces can come down on you when you’re in a natural quest as we are. Especially when we’re young to explore, learn and grow.

When there are very clear dictates, being forced to that, this is right and this is wrong. Whatever that is right or wrong, that dichotomous thinking might be. It can take us away from learning to pay attention to our needs, our preferences, on all levels to our wants. I’m not just talking sexually here. I’m talking relational here, where we might not know because we grew up in a bubble of sorts. A black and white bubble.

God wants you to do this. I, too, believe very much in God, spirituality and divinity. All of that, but I also believe in the importance of having healthy human relationships from the inside out. Ones that feel sexually gratifying, emotionally gratifying , mentally gratifying, and psychologically gratifying. All of those pieces because if they don’t, then we live in this. It sounds like the person who wrote in is pretty much feeling this. She’s saying, “My partner checks all of these boxes over here, but this one of the sexual connections, feeling that that passion isn’t there. How can I fix it?”

That often happens as you know in intimate relationships where maybe the connection was there at first. Maybe it was in the dating or limerence stage or infatuation stage. Maybe things were hot, heavy, perfect and passionate. As my clients often say, “When things get real, it can get much more difficult to have a sex life that feels gratifying.” I’m going to lean on you as our sexpert to help us understand a little more about what’s going on behind the scenes and how people, all readers, can find ways to move forward. Especially if their partner is interested in doing that journey with them, which is a critical piece of the puzzle.

Distinguishing Between Sexual Chemistry and Sexual Compatibility

I love this question. Thank you so much for the person that wrote in because it is one of the most universal situations I have ever observed in my personal and professional career. Many people have asked me about this situation. Many people around the world have experienced this, “I’ve been with my partner for ten years. I’ve been with my partner for fifteen years. We no longer have sex or when we have sex, it’s just okay. What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with me?” I appreciate this question.

First off, let’s dissect what sexual connection means and where sexual connection comes from. When people think of sexual connection, they perhaps think of movies or the pieces of media they have consumed and what it should look like. They might think of the movie scene where you meet eyes and then you just can’t take your hands off of each other. You start making out and touching everywhere. All of a sudden, he lifts your dress and you have sex and you both orgasm at the same time. We all know what sex looks like in movies.

If you think that sexual connection can only look like that, you are setting yourself up for failure. That is 1 out of 100 ways you can establish sexual connection or you can say there is a sexual connection between you and your partner. First off, let’s move that into the bin because that is just one of many ways you can observe a couple having sexual connection. Where does sexual connection come from? There’s two facets to think about.

The first one is sexual chemistry. The other one is sexual compatibility. Now, sexual chemistry depends on which school of thought you subscribe to. Sexual chemistry is natural. A lot of people will say that you either have it or you don’t. You meet someone and you’re intrigued by them. You’re drawn by them and you continue to feel drawn towards them. That’s chemistry. You have an attraction for someone. We’re not all attracted to everybody.

That’s why oftentimes you hear people say, “That’s not my type. I can see he’s cute but he’s not my type.” People have certain people that they’re drawn to and they are attracted to and have chemistry with. That’s the first portion of sexual connection. It’s something that you can’t necessarily control. You either have the chemistry or you don’t have the chemistry. Now, can it be buried after years and years of living logistics-base life together? Yes.

If you can look in the past into when you first met and maybe the first year of your relationship. Did you have it? You did? Okay. You do have chemistry. Maybe it’s buried into logistics-based life. Chemistry is one part. You have it or you don’t have chemistry. The other part is the part that you can build. The other part is sexual compatibility. What does it mean to be sexually compatible with someone? When we say, “You and I are so sexually compatible.” What I mean is, we are similar in terms of preferences, desires, communication style and other miscellaneous sexual exploration, expectations.

These things can be talked about. These things can be agreed upon and be evolved and can be changed but safe to assume that with this person that wrote in the question. The chemistry has been there from early on. Maybe it was buried through a lifelong journey of living together or maybe having children. The compatibility is what they need to work on in order to refuel or reignite their sexual action.

I have a question for you about the chemistry piece. I have noticed something slightly different in your take on it. I agree with you that sometimes you meet someone and the draw to them is a huge magnet. It’s like, “Oh my goodness. Wow.” That deep chemistry that just draws you each to each other. Sometimes, it’s just one way, I imagine. I have also noticed that sometimes, and I’ve seen this with some of my clients.

They’ll meet someone and I’ve experienced this before I was married. You would meet someone and they didn’t seem like your cup of tea. As you learn their quirks or their sense of humor or their touch feels special or something like that. It can create a chemistry where a person you didn’t necessarily find attractive through a picture or a first meeting. If they’re genuinely good people and you’re soul energy as matching. That creates sometimes almost like this magical soul chemistry. Not always. What do you think of that? What do you call that? What pocket does it fit under?

I think that chemistry is either you have it or you don’t, but there’s no love is blind. The example that you give is, you meet someone and you immediately have chemistry for them. That’s cool, but then you can also meet someone for 1 month, 2 months or 3 months and then realize that you do have chemistry for each other. Ultimately, it’s either you have it or you don’t. There have been people that I have helped that basically have been together 3 years or 5 years, and realize they have never had chemistry. I still think it’s either you have it or you don’t, but there’s no time as in like you could have realized it later on.

Thank you for that clarification. That aligned with my experience that it can be unearthed, which is one of the big problems with online dating or just that first date. I’m not talking about someone you meet and there are red flags. They’re disrespectful or unkind or any of those things. Dr. Tara, it sounds like we’re in a court on this. Sometimes, if someone seems just nice, but you’re missing that chemistry. If you give it a little bit of time and as you’re saying, it may not develop into chemistry.

It may develop into a friendship. Sometimes, if we allow it to unfold and that’s one of the things that social media or movies do, they don’t often show that aspect of relationships. It’s more about that, “Let’s meet in a bar. Let’s go to the room and have sex thing or let me tear your clothes off,” and it stays that way forever. Instead, I believe that if we feed it, we can find that chemistry if it’s there and I can continue to feed it.

I do love that and it’s called the Slow Burn Relationship. Magazines are now starting to talk about the slow burn relationship and how desirable that can be especially for this generation because we’re always on our phones. We’re online dating. Everything is fast. The generation that I teach is Gen Z in college. They are craving that slow burn connection. Yearning and participating in courtship in a slightly different way because they are all very sick and tired of being on technology all the time and seeing people online.

That slow burn relationship is beautiful and definitely works for a lot of people who also need time. Not everyone can participate in that fast-paced dating regiment. Some people need their time. Some people don’t want to jump into something quickly that way. You can unearthed, as you said, the sexual chemistry later on in dating once you also open yourself up to receiving it.

Beautifully said. Many people are highly defended and they don’t realize they are being defended. With the reader’s question, we don’t know how long they’ve been together. She did say something maybe that the partner is defensive when she brings it up. That defensiveness often is in front of underlying fear, self-worth issues, maybe trauma, or maybe having been shamed in other relationships.

We don’t know what it is, but anytime there’s defensiveness. Can we move into that piece of this question, because this too is a common issue in relationships. At the minute, one partner, and I don’t care which one it is, feels as though they’re doing it wrong. They’re not enough or this or that. That does not stimulate any sexual energy. It makes a person turn inward and shut down. Would you agree?

Using the Sandwich Method for Effective Sexual Communication

Absolutely. Giving sexual feedback is an art. There’s art and science to giving sex related feedback because sex is so vulnerable. Talking about sex is a hard thing to do yet is necessary to do. In my study based on 5,000 individuals, I found that sexual communication is the number one predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction. If you and your partner have never ever talked about sex, it’s time to start because sexual communication is truly the most important thing in your sex life. Not even the act of having sex itself. It’s talking about your sex life, exploration, and preferences, and then, talking about how you’re feeling at the moment and where you want to go.

All of these things are extremely important. That’s why I recommend people doing sexy check-ins, which is checking in. Talking about your sex life together once a month. They have questions like, “How did you feel about our sex life? This last month, is there anything I can do to contribute to that being better next month? Is there anything we can do together? Is there anything you’d like to explore that I can help with or partake in?” These are some of the questions that you can ask. Even before we go there, let’s talk about the prerequisite because talking about sex is hard.

I’m realistic enough to understand saying to people, “You should talk about sex.” It’s never going to work because they’re like, “It’s too hard. We’re not going to do it.” The prerequisite to having this conversation is also making sure that there is levity in the context where this conversation is brought up. You can’t have conversations about sex in bed. You can’t have conversations about sex after a fight or during a fight. You can’t have conversations about sex if this relationship is, at that time, very stressful.

There has to be some playfulness or levity or relaxed nest in the situation where this topic is brought up. Let’s say you are relaxed and it’s Sunday. You’re going on a walk. Maybe going on a hike. This could be a time to bring it up. How you would bring it up is like any positive psychologists will tell you, the ship sandwich. You bring up something positive about your sex life and them first, then you give this feedback with a potential solution. Nobody likes criticism with no solution. Also, end with something positive.

Positive, feedback, and positive. Not too long ago, I talked to my partner about dirty talk. About how we can spice it up if he was to take a class under the talk because he’s great at movements and techniques. When it comes to verbal communication, a lot of men are not great with verbal communication. When it comes to verbal communication, I want it more stimulation that way like audible stimulation. How did I bring that up?

I first said, “I love our sex life. We do have a great sex life. We’ve been traveling so much, so the frequency isn’t necessarily there like before. Before, we were home all the time in LA. Now, we’ve traveled all over the world, but I do love our sex lives. Every time we finally make time to connect, it’s amazing. I just want to say that while many people may struggle with connecting sexually, you and I have amazing sex. Thank you for that.”

I’ve been talking to people. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts episodes about dirty talk and there was a dirty talk expert, Sir Marvelous. He told me, “With having sex in long-term relationships, one thing that can spice it up and it’s free. It’s something that anyone can do, is this particular dirty talk.” Particularly, I was talking about the ownership type of dirty talk. I mentioned listening to this show and I think, “I would love it if you listen to his show or maybe even take his class just to get some ideas of what you can say to me next time in bed because that would really be a turn on. I think that would be so sexy. It would be a fun thing to explore.”

I end with, “Also, I want to thank you that the fact that we have this relationship that I can suggest something like this and you are actively listening and wanting to improve or wanting to partake in sexual exploration that I’m interested in. I think that’s awesome. You are so awesome. Thank you for listening and being open to my suggestions. I love that and I love you.” Done.

Normalizing Sexual Communication

Beautiful, Dr. Tara. Readers, if this sounds foreign to you, one of the things I do is to remind people. As you say, Dr. Tara, our ability to talk about sexuality is a predictor of sexual relationship satisfaction. It’s just like our ability to talk about money with a partner. They’re sensitive topics like child rearing with a partner. Anything that we can talk about, we’re more likely to be able to manage. That’s a paraphrase of what Mr. Rogers would say. Anything that is human is mentionable and anything that is mentionable is manageable.

If we take it down to that level of realizing that, if we don’t make sex taboo and make it something as simple as like you’re cooking. We don’t have any problems saying, “Honey, can I have some more salt or pepper or some more hot sauce or something a little more sweet here?” Of course, because that’s part of humanity. We want to eat and we want to enjoy what we eat just as part of being human. For most people, not all, is wanting sex and wanting to enjoy sex and wanting that in an intimate relationship to bring you closer together.

It’s about pleasure, but it’s also about intimacy and all of that wonderful yumminess that comes from this piece of a relationship that we tend to not share with other relationships. I’m not talking about people who are non-monogamous. I’m talking about how people get their sexual needs met. Thank you for giving us such a personal example of how you would do the sandwich. The sandwich concept is always wonderful. I use the peanut butter sandwich. My husband uses the meatloaf sandwich, but whatever you’re talking about. It is the two nice things on either side of the meat that’s in the middle and the meat.

I also love how you give a great example of how you bring up the topic in a non-blaming, nonjudgemental way. You’re using an eye statement. “I saw this. I would like more of that. What do you think about it?” As you said, so many of the fights or disagreements around sex come when people are tired, angry, and upset about something else. Feeling at a deficit for connection, so then it comes out more like they don’t mean it to come out like vomit or an assault, but it often does.

Thank you for offering that important piece. Can we pivot to the part of the reader’s question where they’re talking about it almost sounds like they are a bit blaming or shaming. She’s saying, “I’m not getting this need met in my intimate relationship, so I’m turning to my path. I’m thinking about these great lovers I had in the past of people who met my needs.” What would you say about that in a current relationship, that behavior?

The Pitfalls of Comparing Partners

Comparison is a thief of joy. Every single person that you decide to date has different strengths and different weaknesses. Only because you have communicated your sexual expectations and things you want to explore with him, doesn’t mean that he’s not down to try and improve. We all need to hold ourselves accountable in learning what we want and telling the other person. No one can read your mind. You can’t assume that if this is the right relationship for me, they should be able to have sex with me a certain way or they should be able to sexually satisfy me.

Sex is very complex in a way. People think, “Sex is so simple. Even animals do it. You just get naked and penetration,” but there’s so many different variables that go into a good sex life. If you’re not holding yourself accountable in communicating your preferences and expectations to your partner. You cannot blame them for not giving you the sex that you want. First off, it’s your job to then communicate with him first.

Thank you for that background, and I agree on all of the points. First, we tend to think that sex is easy because all the animals do it. Yet humans imbue sex with so much. We imbue it with the meaning I love you or you love me and you see me, you desire me. I’m worthy because you’re attracted to me. If you don’t perform or I’m not satisfied, that means something’s wrong with us. Other animals aren’t doing this to themselves that I know of. They’re hoping to regenerate and maybe show some affection. Monkeys tend to show some affection in general. I’m not aware of what monkeys do when they’re populating but anyway.

I’m curious now if monkeys experience erectile dysfunction.

It’s a good question, because they are very affectionate. They attend to each other. Now, we’ll have to go and Google it or something, but I wonder if that comes up in their sexual behavior. The point being, we humans have so much going on psychologically, both in the mental world and the emotional world that makes sex mean a lot to us. For this person, as you went back, I think it was Theodore Roosevelt who said, “Comparison is a thief of joy.”

Either way, I agree 100%. Whether we’re comparing our relationship to somebody in a movie, somebody online, our next-door neighbor, or the person in our past. We are doing ourselves and the current relationship a huge disservice. As you said, it becomes the responsibility of the people in the relationship to be accountable for the person to say, “I’m hungry for this or the other person to work on.” Putting down their defenses and coming forward and saying, “I’m willing to try this or that’s a little scary for me or whatever it is.” It’s okay to be a little scared when you’re going into new territory in whatever area of life.

It’s okay if something doesn’t feel safe or feels harmful to you. It’s okay to say, “That sounds scary to me. Maybe down the line possibly but now, it doesn’t.” Being in that place of comparing it, what do you think about this person going to the past? Not for comparison, but as a source of, “This lover I had in the past touched me in this way. That felt good. Now I have one thing I can tell my partner about. I like being touched this way.”

You don’t use the person to compare it but you use the experience as a way of self-knowledge and being able to express your needs. What do you think? It’s a very nuanced piece, but I agree with you. Going to the past and thinking about other people when you’re with your current partner is not going to take you anywhere. What do you think about using it as a reference point?

It’s great to use it as a reference point. That’s why I am a supporter of having sex before marriage because it’s difficult to discern any compatibility without experiencing first with that person. If you’re using it as a point of reference or as self-knowledge or self-development, I think it’s great. You can always go, “After I’ve had sex with two of my exes, I learned these ten things. These are my erogenous zones. This is how I love for my partner to initiate sex.”

“This is where I would go in terms of exploration or this is the path I would go because based on my previous relationship, this is what we did and it felt good.” All of those things are great and that’s the gift of dating. You learn more about yourself as you date. Not just about sex, but everything else. Your communication, expectations, and boundaries. You learn that in real-life through dating and experience.

Absolutely. I’m clarifying to anyone reading, we’re not encouraging you to tell your partner, “This guy did it this way or this person did that way and it felt very good.”

Absolutely. Never bring up your past.

Talk about your relationship on what you learned and what you did in general, but using it as a comparison or a discussion about sex will only make the other person feel less than or compared to. Nobody likes to be compared to. That’s one sure way to put a hammer on sexual compatibility. When you look at bringing this up just like going back to the cooking metaphor or restaurant metaphor.

It’s like having gone to different restaurants in your life. Maybe with other people. It helps us learn our taste. We like Thai food, Indian food or Italian. It’s like that. We don’t necessarily have to say, “So and so took me to this great Indonesian restaurant.” We don’t have to say that. We can just say, “I prefer Indian food or I prefer food that has a nice California flair to it or whatever.” We don’t have to say where we learned that preference.

Exactly. Not bringing up past lovers and what they did. It’s one of the things that you should never do. I have a funny story of one online past client bringing up in the session to her husband. She got so frustrated about other things and she went for the jugular. She said, “Here’s the thing. Brian’s penis was just so much bigger than you so it always felt good.” How do we even fix something like that?

You can never take back comments like that. I’m not shaming your client but readers, it’s not that none of us have ever said something that we wish we could take back, especially when you’re talking about sexuality. Be mindful, because as research shows, the verbal wounds are as painful. They are registered in brain imaging as physical pain. They felt that deeply. Somebody being compared by the size of their penis or their breasts or their stomach or whatever it might be.

When you’re doing that, you are putting a wound in to that person’s psyche that has the power of a punch, a broken bone, however, they perceive it. Do take care in these discussions. I want to pay that to one more piece that I’ve seen come up several times. In people’s past relationships, often, they were in a pattern of makeup sex, which we know on the reward cycle, getting in big fights and making up. Which almost can be a domestic violence cycle. Big fights and makeup. There’s this abuse of quality to it.

If people aren’t aware of it, they’re in their psyche. They’re looking back at this relationship and saying, “The sex was so great,” but maybe it wasn’t that the sex was so great. It’s the power of that repeating cycle. It is where the neurochemicals are just going haywire and very intense. You get these surges of adrenaline and cortisol and then the bonding afterward then the break. I’m not saying that this is the case with this person. I just hear it enough as it’s a big red flag to me. Especially if you’re comparing that in your psyche to your current partnership, if it doesn’t have.

This one sounds like it has a very gentle feel to it. I don’t know the person but it sounds like their relationship has a very gentle balance to feel. I’m not saying that because I don’t know them, but if this is one of them where they had that cycle in the past. That’s a tough comparison. What do you think about the power of that cycle?

The Toxic Cycle of Makeup Sex

It’s a terrible cycle to be in. I understand why that’s enticing. If we think of human emotions as heat and cool. Cool is like calming and it’s cool in nature. Heat is like it’s hot and passionate. Within heat, there’s positives and negatives. Within cool, this is positive and negative. Fighting, arguing, fighting and passionate sex are both in heat. The fact that people love makeup sex after a fight or even sometimes will instigate a fight in order to gain passion to translate that into good sex. That’s a very toxic cycle to be in because you are then training your brain to believe that you need this every time you need a fight in order to deeply connect with your partner sexually. It’s a terrible cycle to be in.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. Using your idea of the heat and it’s warm in the cool. It makes a warm loving connection seem boring.

It might not be as “rewarding” because the low isn’t that low. When you’re fighting, your low is so low, so then the high seems so much better. When you’re just in a warm loving relationship where it’s stable where your nervous system is not shot, it’s calm. You might not think it’s that exciting.

The other piece of that because this is often a topic that’s not talked about enough. I’m big on disagreements. They’re much better to do than have a fight. Even if you’re having a disagreement and one partner is secretly waiting for that cycle. They’re trying to almost nudge it into, “Let’s get it big. Let’s get a conflagration.” It’s happening behind the other person saying, “I’m a non-participant here.”

That person is yearning for that big boom and unconsciously then it can bring sexual connection. The other person is going, “This is the least sexy thing in the world to me.” It can create more disconnection. This is one time if, and I’m not saying this is the reader’s issue, but it’s such a common one. If this is a dynamic in your relationships or your partner’s past, it’s important to look at it as Dr. Tara was saying, being destructive. It’s not healthy. It may feel good in the moment, but your wiring your brain more to believe that human intimacy is about fighting and intensity. Not that sweet gentleness, love, passion that can make us feel really safe.

Emotional safety leads to good sex.

We’re not talking about having love again that you brought up you and your partner and used that as an example. The way you approached wanting to have some dirty talk is a perfect example of, that is very loving and very non-blaming. It’s done in a way that increases passion but also safety. It’s a win-win. You’re not getting the intensity that comes with a fight in the destructive, abusive cycle. You’re getting it through being connected in your phrasing and your energy.

That’s one of the most beautiful aspects of having an opportunity to talk about sex and sexuality, because we can see it as part of the entire relationship. When we treat the sexual relationship as yet another area just like feeding our partner or taking care of our partner. I’m not saying that you’re cooking for them. Taking care of them in whatever ways you do like massage. The tender little love notes or bringing coffee or whatever it might be.

You can see that the sexual realm doesn’t have to be different from that. It can be much the same like, “Honey, do you want some chocolate chip cookies? Do you want walnuts or not?” They say okay and now we’re in the bedroom. “Would you like some of this? Would you like some of that?” We’re at the place where you started where you were talking about the importance of playful energy.

Playful energy is key to a good sex life. Sex doesn’t have to be serious. Serious sex is boring. Serious sex all the time is boring. When you watch movies, it’s typically portrayed as good sex. When you’re serious and mysterious, there’s a lot of that. He had a mysterious energy. When you know someone so well, you might feel like, “We don’t have that. How do we go from here?” Playfulness. Have playful sex. Laugh about it. Try something new.

I remember the first time I brought up using lube in the bedroom with my partner. He was like, “I don’t think we need it,” and then I go, “It’s not about what we need. It’s also about what’s fun. I think this is fun if you’re open to trying. You can tell me afterwards if it’s fun for you,” when I was doing manual stimulation for him. After using lube from manual stimulation, he’s not a huge fan. Now if I’m in the mood of giving him manual simulation, he goes, “Where’s that lube?” I said, “Do you remember the first time you were like, ‘I don’t think you needed?’”

Absolutely. For so many of us, something new is scary. Something as simple as lube can feel like, “I was not taught that. I’m being bad.” When you’re in the bedroom, when two mutually consenting adults choose to do it is their business. It’s not bad. It’s not good, bad, right or wrong. It’s what you are doing just like in any kitchen. Whatever you want to do in your kitchen, that’s your business. You get to do that.

Working at reducing shame, defenses, self-blame or maybe patterns that you learn that don’t feel right to you or structures that are holding you back consciously or unconsciously. Dr. Tara, you are amazing. This is so much fun and just so much openness, play and joy. Thank you for being a model in your personal life and your business life about what it looks like to be someone who’s truly comfortable being a sexual human being. We’re all sexual but being comfortable with it. Thank you. Do you have any final piece to share with us?

Embracing Playfulness and Expanding the “Menu”

I would love to say that sexual exploration is the spice of your sex life. It’s going back to using the restaurant metaphor. If you’ve been with your partner for an extended period of time and there’s only five items on the menu. You might consider adding two other items on the menu or having ten items on the menu. Whatever that is or whatever your boundaries are or whatever your Kings are or whatever your preferences are. I do want you to think about it. Take an audit. Maybe read my book to get some ideas, but I do encourage long-term partners to consider expanding their menu.

Thank you. Readers, if adding on to feels like a lot, that’s okay. You can start with one or half of one.

You can start with lube.

There you have it.

Everyone can use lube.

Something that feels simple and approachable. A little different enough that it makes you go, “This could be. I’ll try it.” Thank you again, Dr. Tara. Where can our audience find you?

My website is LuvBites.co. My book is called How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed). That’s everywhere when you get books, so you can get it at Barnes and Noble and on Amazon. My Instagram is the same, @LuvBites.co.

Thank you. Readers, if you do not have a pen handy or if you’re driving, do not worry that you’re going to miss this yummy information. You can find Dr. Tara’s links. You’ll be able to access her, her social media, and her wonderful new book with just a click and begin your journey of self-exploration and exploration with your partner in this important place of your own humanity and relationships. Thanks again, Dr. Tara. It has been a joy and a pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me. You’re amazing. I love you as a host. You’re so calming.

Thank you. To our audience, as always, thank you for your time, energy, and support. It truly means so much. You are an important human being who deserves to be happy and well-loved. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn
• Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn on Instagram
• How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed)
• Sir Marvelous
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn

Dubbed the “Internet’s Resident Sexpert” by PAPER and crowned TikTok’s “Queen of Sex,” Dr. Tara is a Kinsey-certified sexologist, tenured professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University, Fullerton, and the author of the book “How Do You Like It?: A Guide for Getting What You Want (in Bed)” (October 21, 2025). An award-winning researcher and TEDx speaker, Dr. Tara hosts the Luvbites by Dr. Tara and reaches millions as the top sex educator on TikTok. She also serves as resident sex expert and TV host on the UK’s dating show Celebs Go Dating and, more recently, stepped into the iconic role of co-host on KROQ’s Loveline radio show.

Her sexpertise has been spotlighted everywhere from Cosmopolitan and Women’s Health (where she pens the Sexplore column) to Refinery29, Well+Good, and Bustle. Whether in the classroom, on camera, or across her cult-following online, Dr. Tara is known for making sex education bold, evidence-based, and impossible to ignore.