Have you experienced a traumatic event in the past–whether in your childhood or adult life? If the answer is “yes,” you’re surely not alone. Research shows that about 60% of men and 50% of women experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. However, women are actually more likely to develop PTSD. And as a clinical psychologist who has worked with thousands of traumatized individuals, I’ve found that trauma often reveals itself in unusual or confusing ways. And despite the belief that trauma goes away or heals itself, unaddressed trauma tends to fester and worsen over time. Today we’ll dive into trauma–and how to heal it–with a wonderful, renowned trauma expert. Topics discussed include trauma, PTSD, rape, assault, domestic violence, victims, survivors, healing, grief, loss, betrayal, fight or flight response, freeze response, fawn response, safety, security, empowerment, support, psychotherapy, and attachment.

Please note that this episode may contain sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911” or “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline). Support/informational links are in the show notes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert in this (or any episode) is offering medical or psychological direction; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:
Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/
Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:
Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond
The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Oracle decks by Dr. Carla Manly:
Etsy
Amazon

Connect with Dr. La Keita Carter:
Website: https://www.lakeitadcarter.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drlakeita/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrLaKeita/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-la-keita-carter-002262203/
iHeal Website: https://www.myiheal.com/

Other Resources:
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
https://mentalhealthhotline.org/ptsd-hotline/
https://www.nami.org/stigma/ptsd-is-more-likely-in-women-than-men/

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Suffering from Trauma or PTSD? Discover How to Heal and Move Forward! With Expert Dr. La Keita Carter

How to Identify and Heal from Trauma and PTSD

Have you experienced a traumatic event in the past, whether in your childhood or adult life? If the answer is yes, you’re surely not alone. Research shows that about 60% of men and 50% of women experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. Women are actually more likely to develop PTSD. As a clinical psychologist who has worked with thousands of traumatized individuals, I have found that trauma often reveals itself in unusual or confusing ways. Despite the belief that trauma goes away on its own or heals itself, unaddressed trauma tends to fester and worsen over time. In this episode, we’ll dive into trauma and how to heal it with a wonderful, renowned trauma expert.

We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question. “I was attacked a few years ago on my way home from work at night. My partner was really supportive at first, but now he tells me I shouldn’t be over my fear of being alone or in dark spaces. I tell him I think I have PTSD, but he says I should just push forward because I wasn’t raped. The person just pushed me down, kicked me, and took my backpack. He says it’s all in my head and that I should toughen up. Do you think I’m being weak? How can I get stronger?” With that question as the focus of this episode, I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly. This is Imperfect Love.

I’m joined by a tremendous special guest, Dr. La Keita Carter. Dr. Carter is a clinical psychologist and international speaker. She will be sharing her expertise on trauma, relationships, and healing. Welcome to the show, Dr. La Keita. It’s such a pleasure to have you with us.

It is so wonderful to be here. I’m excited to have this conversation with you. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for gracing us with your presence. Before we launch into the topic of the day, could you tell our audience a little bit about what makes you, you?

The Human Brain: A Psychologist’s Fascination

I think what makes me, me is that I am fascinated by the human brain. I always have been, even as a child. I’ve been fascinated by how people respond, why we choose the words that we choose, how we behave the way that we behave, and what makes us feel connected to things in life and to people in life. That’s why I got into psychology, because I wanted to know answers to questions that are pretty hard questions that I’m still looking for answers to.

I love that perspective. We’re in the same club. The human mind, everything about us, every person is so unique. We’re all alike in many ways, but so very different in very special ways as well. Thank you for that lovely start to this episode. You’re a trauma expert. I really appreciate your platform, which is all about healing, empowering, and restoring. With that as our foundation, I appreciate it slowing it down, healing, empowering, and restoring. When we look at the healing piece and then add that empowerment to it, where we find our internal strength, we live in our internal strength. We live in that place of courage, which is amazing to me. It’s not a one-and-done.

I know there are times when you take a little dip in your sense of empowerment. You’ve got to get it back and find out what happened to make it start fizzling away. Your piece about restoring trauma, definitely, life in many ways can empower us and help us grow, but can also erode that sense of who we are, if we ever knew who we were. Sometimes, we lose that early on in life because of external forces. I love that sense of restoring the self, which would maybe lead us into a bit of self-care as well. I’m going to hand this over to you. When you heard the listener’s question of the day, what were some of your initial thoughts?

Validating Trauma: Understanding the Experience

My first thought is that I’m sorry that this happened. Trauma is a major part of the world we live in, unfortunately. You’re right about the statistics that the majority of people will experience at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime. When we look at specific traumas, we find that those numbers fluctuate. For example, one out of every four women will experience rape in their life. That’s 25%. Trauma is something that is difficult to manage because we never know when it’s coming. For many other life disappointments and life circumstances, a lot of times we can predict when they’re coming. If things are not going well at work, you can sometimes predict that you may be terminated.

If things are not going well in your marriage, you can predict that there may be an end to this relationship at some point. Even with older aging parents and aging loved ones, we can predict that they might transition at a certain point. It might not be exactly what we think, but we know that there’s a transitioning process underway. Many times, with trauma, it comes out of nowhere. That could be any type of trauma. That could be rape trauma, a natural disaster trauma, or a house fire. To the person who wrote in, I’m sorry that you experienced this. I want to first validate what you experienced as trauma.

Whether you are kicked and punched or anything more than that, or even less than that, to be attacked in your personal space and body violated is, in fact, a trauma. One of the things that I want to make sure our audience gets is that the medical, technical definition of trauma is a real or perceived threat to your life that includes some physical violence or sexual attack. That is the technical definition of trauma. You have an actual or threatened death, serious injury, or, secondly, you experienced sexual violence.

In your case, the person who attacked you, you didn’t know what they were thinking. You don’t have access to a person’s thoughts. Therefore, you don’t have access to their future behavior. You can’t easily predict their behavior. You also couldn’t easily predict their behavior because he was a stranger to you. This is not something that you experienced multiple times with this person, where you could say, “This person, when they typically hit me, they usually stop after I start crying.” You had no idea when this attack was going to end. That in and of itself makes sense for you to predict that you could have lost your life in that moment. That’s where your mind was in that moment. “How do I preserve my life?” That is a trauma. You did experience it.

That means that there are going to be effects from that in part, because one of the things that this person did when they attacked you was that they violated a worldview that most Americans experience. Not all, but most first-world people, first-world citizens, walk around with the belief that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. They walk around with the belief that “I am safe in my own body.” Most people in first-world countries think that way. Not all. There are definitely marginalized groups that do not walk around thinking, “I am safe being here.” I want to be clear about that. The vast majority of first-world citizens walk around thinking, “I’m generally safe.” For your audience, where you’re sitting or standing right now, there is an assumed, “I’m safe right here.”

In other words, you won’t experience an attack out of nowhere. A bomb won’t come out of nowhere. A car won’t hit you on purpose. There’s a general sense of safety. This person’s behavior violated that worldview. What the research shows is that when our worldviews are violated, it has a lasting effect on us. It is not the same thing as a friend who gets mad at you and curses at you. That’s not a worldview violation. A worldview violation is a big value that we hold more often than not as we walk through life. The idea that you’re safe where you stand and that no one is going to violate your personal space was violated. Therefore, there are effects for that violation. Does that make sense?

The Broad Scope of Trauma: Beyond the Medical Definition

Absolutely, Dr. La Keita. Let’s pause here for a minute because I appreciate that you validated this woman’s experience. I’m assuming it’s a woman. It could be any individual, but this individual’s experience. I also noted the verbiage that “I was just pushed down, and my backpack was taken,” which minimizes it. I have a sense that someone or something is contributing to that belief that it’s a ‘just.’ It’s only this, whereas having somebody steal your backpack alone is a violation that can be terrifying.

Another piece, I appreciate your definition of trauma. When we look at the definition of trauma in today’s world, what causes trauma, it tends to be tighter in that many people experience a little bit more rigidly. It is because, from the very strict definition, a child who is hit by their parents wouldn’t necessarily have experienced a traumatic event. In many cases, no matter the person’s age, that is still a deeply traumatic event. When someone who says they love us is harming us in whatever way, that can be deeply traumatic. I do want to notice that and how we clinicians tend to have a broader definition.

When we see people who are traumatized, we see where childhood issues, such as being bullied, maybe not being threatened, every day at school, thinking you’re going to lose your life, but threatened as your sense of self and being safe in the schoolyard, safe in the hallways, or wherever you are. It goes back to that need for all of us to feel safe, as you said. Safe, where you stand, that you’re not going to be violated in some way.

The other interesting piece that I want to highlight, as we were talking earlier about the statistics, 60% of men will experience one traumatic event. Fifty percent of women will develop PTSD. Why do some people develop PTSD and some not? When we look at that, so much of it has to do with, as you were saying, a worldview, but also how you were raised, how much support you have around you, and how you were feeling at the time of the incident. Was there any prep?

There are so many variables. I imagine it’s the same for you. I’m going to ask you this. I’ve noticed that with some of my clients, they’ll say, “I don’t know why I’m experiencing PTSD because my husband was on the same airplane. He’s not traumatized by it,” or “I had a similar background as a friend, and she’s thriving.” It’s because we are unique individuals. Where we stand emotionally, physically, and mentally, when a trauma comes at us, the outcome largely depends on factors of who the individual is in that moment. That doesn’t make the person broken, better than, or worse than. It just means they’re a person who experienced trauma.

Two important things that you touched on. One is the idea of trauma being broader than the medical definition. I 100% agree. There is a medical definition in order to be diagnosed with PTSD. In the larger psych world, we see trauma often show up in many different ways that are not necessarily as specific as a real or perceived threat to the end of life. You gave a great example of children who have been physically abused. They may not have the thought that my mom is going to kill me at this moment. They may not, but they still may experience trauma symptoms because of the frequency of the abuse, or even the severity of the abuse, even if they don’t necessarily perceive this to be an end-of-life experience.

We also see this with people whose marriages experience infidelity. We see this betrayal trauma in a lot of trauma symptoms. We can certainly talk about trauma symptoms, but a lot of trauma symptoms are a result of one partner not being committed to the other. Yes, there is a technical medical definition of trauma, and it is very narrow. As providers, as clinicians, we do need to consider that because we have to diagnose people according to what our science says.

There’s a broader relational psychological definition of trauma. A lot of things can fit into that definition because that broader definition does speak to psychological safety. That’s very important. For this woman, what happened to her would meet the medical definition of trauma because she did not know if she was going to be killed in that moment. However, a similar experience certainly could have created trauma symptoms in her, where if her partner hit her, she might not expect to die from that situation, but still have trauma symptoms.

The second thing that you mentioned that I want to highlight is how important it is to be safe where we stand. No one else gets to decide for us what is safe. Many times, our male counterparts feel much safer in their skin and in their surroundings than women do. I say that having many conversations with patients, but also with friends. I had a girlfriend who said, “He comes in. He leaves the door unlocked.” I’m like, “Why isn’t the door locked?” For him, she’s married to a 6-foot-8, 300-pound person.

In his world, there aren’t too many things that would enter their home that he can’t address. There aren’t. In her world, nearly everything that could enter their home would be a threat to her. They come from two different spaces. That creates a different reaction in each of them around what it means to be safe in my own skin and know that I’m safe. Being safe and knowing that you’re safe are two different things.

Navigating Nuances: Individual Vulnerability and Safety

Thank you for that beautiful slowdown so we could notice that. Let’s dive into that a little bit deeper because it’s a good way to look at this from another vantage point. One person, if they’re of smaller stature, may feel more vulnerable if they have less physical training. Let’s say they’re not a police officer, a wrestler, or an athlete. If somebody has experienced a previous bodily trauma or any type of trauma, their nervous system may be wired differently. They may be more prone to anxiety.

Another thing, and I wouldn’t have thought of this until I had a coffee date with a girlfriend. She was telling me, “I’m so happy I’m getting older. There’s one part about being older that I really like. I’m not as attractive to men. I feel so much safer now.” I thought, “Interesting.” She’s older than I am. She was talking about other aspects of aging she’s not so fond of, but in her life experience, being an attractive woman made her a target.

Even though I will always think she’s beautiful, for her, some shift that she perceives is happening has made her feel less vulnerable. It’s like this individual that somebody’s going to come after. We see that there are so many of these nuances to safety, and then to have someone, whether it’s an outsider or a loved one, telling you, “You should just get over this. Man up or toughen up.” No matter what your gender is, I’m not a big fan of the phrase man up or the phrase toughen up. What do you think?

You mentioned this before. I want to make sure we point this out. Everything that happens in your life happens in a context because you’re a layered person. One of the things that’s important for us to consider is that a trauma that happened to you when you were 25, you’re not going to respond to the same way as a trauma that happened to you when you were 55. Your life is completely different. You have different layers.

A lot of times, I will hear patients say, “I’m not sure why I’m not snapping out of this. This is the third time I’ve been raped by a perfect stranger, or the second time I’ve been raped. The first time I was able to call the rape hotline. I talked with friends, and I had some support. I was able to bounce back. Now, I don’t even understand why I’m in therapy. Why do I even need this? I didn’t need this before.” The truth is that your life is layered. Exactly what you said earlier, the job that you’re currently doing has an impact on how you experience trauma.

Where are you in your family? Do you have young children, no children, or older children? Where are you in your relationship? Are you married? Are you dating? Are you single? Are you divorced? What your spiritual life is like is a layer. Are you closer to your higher power now than you were then? Are you not? All of these layers really help determine how you respond to a trauma. My dissertation is on post-traumatic growth. We call that post-traumatic growth, PTG. The idea that your post-traumatic growth can certainly change depending on your current life circumstances.

One of the things that I have found is that when a trauma happens, but the person is living in a space where they recently experienced grief or a loss, they have a very different response to that trauma than before. It is because they have experienced a loss. Trauma is a form of loss, whether it’s your loss of sense of self, safety, or your identity, or even a loss of your home, a loss of your space, if it’s a house fire or a natural disaster. Trauma, in its foundation, includes a large aspect of losing something that you considered yours.

That creates this space of, “I’ve lost two things. I lost my dog, and now I’ve lost this idea that I’m safe, or I’ve lost my psychological safety. I feel scared in the dark. That makes me feel very childlike, needy, and clingy.” Whatever it is, these are all normal responses to somebody violating your sense of safety, to our responder. It’s common for you to not want to be in the dark, not want to be alone, not want to be even alone in the daytime, not want to go places by yourself, not want to go out at all, or not want to be seen. Some women and men report they can’t look in the mirror. The mirror is reflecting a new you, a you that doesn’t feel as safe. Therefore, there’s an image that shifts when you see yourself.

Societal Judgment: Re-Traumatizing the Survivor

I want to slow it down for a minute to the piece you’ve said that trauma is a loss. Many people don’t realize that we can have an entire episode on rape because when you’re talking about somebody who’s been raped not once, horrific, twice, doubly horrific, a third time, incredibly horrific, each time horrific in its own way. You think about the loss, plus our culture’s sometimes tendency to blame the woman or the individual who was raped for whatever reason, when there’s no excuse for raping someone.

Societal messages like that, where she was asking for it or they were asking for it, whatever it is, make that loss all the harder to bear. All of the voices that are happening inside that individual are now exacerbated by the horrendous voices from outside that are blaming and judging. Whatever the issue is that causes a person, whether it’s rape or something else, to have been traumatized, having external judgment is horrific.

I see a re-traumatization.

Thank you for saying that. Some people don’t agree. I completely agree that when you have somebody, because they’re worsening the trauma instead of validating you and being there to support you, they are increasing and re-traumatizing that injury.

They are contributing to the lack of a sense of safety. We want to use the right context here. Anybody who’s lived past their trauma is a survivor, not a victim. When a survivor goes to make a report at a police station and they have to defend their behavior, their clothes, their actions, and their words, then what you are saying is, you weren’t safe then, and you aren’t safe now. You’re coming to someplace where you think I’m going to help you.

That’s the same case. It’s not making a police report. It’s going to your family and saying, “This happened to me,” and them not believing you that “I wasn’t safe then, and it’s not safe for me to tell you this now. I have lost something. I’m still at a deficit in terms of the safety that I’m seeking. I’m telling you this.” For our audience, when a friend, family member, or whoever is telling you their trauma story, what I want you to hear, no matter what they say, is, “I’m seeking safety. Please make this safe for me. I need safety. I can’t be unsafe for another second.” That’s what I want you to hear when someone is telling you their trauma story.

Thank you so much again, Dr. La Keita, for slowing it down. When we look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, for anyone who’s not aware of it, it’s this pyramid-shaped structure of this concept of what we need to be able to go out into the world and grow and thrive as human beings. At the very base of that pyramid, the foundation is having a sense of safety. If we don’t have a sense of safety in ourselves, in our home lives, or in our relationships, we can’t continue to move forward to become our fullest, highest, best selves or eventually get to self-actualization. When there’s a trauma, as you’re clearly walking us through, Dr. La Keita, it halts part of you. If you don’t feel safe and aren’t made, the people around you don’t need to be experts.

They don’t need to be psychologists or domestic violence therapists. Nothing. They simply need to be able to say, “I’m here for you. I see you. Let me create space for you.” Even if you don’t know anything else to do, whether you offer resources or you take the person to the emergency room, if that’s where they need to go, but don’t bring judgment into the room. There’s no place for judgment, that sense of seeing the person and creating what we call a safe space, making it so they can talk, cry, or be a little frozen if that’s where they are. No judgment, pure loving empathy.

One way to know if you’re being judgmental is if your question starts with why. It probably is a judgmental question. You’re asking them to defend something. Why were you there? Why didn’t you go home sooner? Why didn’t you scream? If your question starts with why, for my students, I call it the Lucy-Desi effect. He’s always saying, “Lucy, explain yourself.” Why questions demand an explanation, even if you say them softly. Why questions are the questions that parents ask when teenagers break curfew. Why were you late? Why didn’t you call? Why are you here right now? Why didn’t you go where I said you should go? These are all questions that feel very much so interrogating. If it starts with a why, it is a question that could be construed as judgmental.

The Art of Presence: Being vs. Doing in Support

Again, another perfect point. Instead of saying, “Why did you dress that way?” or “Why didn’t you carry your backpack in front of you? Why didn’t you call for help?”, whatever it is, there are other ways to show love, support, and concern, such as a simple, “I’m here for you. How can I help?” The person might not know. They may have no idea what they need in that moment. What do you do? You give them your presence. You give them your love. You say, “I’m here. Would you like a hug? Would you like to talk?”

One of the lost arts that our culture doesn’t do a great job of, and many Eastern cultures do a much better job of, is that we tend to lean towards doing. We want to know, “What can I do?” When someone dies, we come over and we say, “What can I do? Do you need me to cook? Do you need me to send food? Do you need me to order something? Do you need me to go with you to identify the body?” We want to do.

American culture is very much committed to doing. There is nothing wrong with that. Other cultures are committed to being. Being is more prominent than doing. Anything in extreme is probably not ideal. Too much water can kill you, technically. In some ways, American culture would really benefit from leaning a little bit more into being. When someone passes or when someone has a traumatic experience, being with them and saying nothing is doing everything. Sometimes, just your presence is reassuring.

I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced this, but I have. Sometimes, just getting to a place where you know this person is soothing to you. They don’t have to cook anything. You can sit on the couch with the television on, both of you on opposite ends of the couch with your phones, and you’re scrolling, but you’re still in the same space. It can be very soothing. Just showing up and saying, “I’m here to sit with you today. We can order food if you want. You can read. We can go for a walk. We can sit here. I’m here to be. I don’t have an agenda. I just want to spend the day with you, or spend the next few hours with you, or the evening with you,” can be really loving.

Just a quiet presence. Sometimes, somebody wants to be touched. They might want to hold your hand. They might want to hug. Other times, they don’t want any contact. They’re either in a state of shock or, if they’ve been physically assaulted, often the idea of being touched is no. Not to take any of those things personally, to notice because by creating that safe space, noticing, and you’re right. Sometimes, we don’t have to do anything.

I had a friend who lost her dad. She lost him on a Saturday night. She called me and told me that he was transitioning that Saturday night. The next morning, I called her and I said, “I’m not going to church today. I’m coming over.” I came over. I packed some ingredients because she loves my peach cobbler. I packed some ingredients to make a peach cobbler at her house. I wasn’t going to make it and then bring it. It was going to be something that I did. I packed all the ingredients I needed to make a peach cobbler.

I sat there with her. There were times when we laughed and joked. There were times when she was tearful, and we didn’t say a word. Other people were scrolling in and out. I was essentially her hostess. I would offer them, “Do you want something to drink?” The dog needed to be let out. At the end of the day, she goes, “I’m surprised I’m not sick of you. This was very nice. Normally, I get sick of people. Something was soothing about your presence and the fact that I wasn’t required to entertain you or keep you company. You were just here.” That’s really important.

Also, what I want to share with our audience is that there are times when people who have been traumatized don’t want to have to make another decision. Sometimes, it’s easier for you to give them a multiple choice. “You haven’t eaten since yesterday at noon. It’s almost 3:00. Chinese, Indian, or American, which one?” There are other times when, because of the type of trauma they experienced, their choice was taken away from them. You want to give them all the choice in the world. You don’t want to give them a multiple-choice.

You have to feel them out and see if sharing a multiple choice would be soothing to them, like, “Thank God I don’t have to make another decision,” or whether giving them a multiple choice would be almost taking away their sense of control. Once you figure that out, ask a few questions. “How are you feeling? What would it be like if we did this?” If they say, “I have no idea. I don’t know anything,” that’s probably a sign they don’t want to make decisions. Just say, “I know you love that Indian restaurant. I ordered Indian.”

Again, really wonderfully put and highlighted because the nature of trauma is often, as we know, initially fight, flight, freeze, appease, that fawning place, and knowing where somebody is. Soon after a trauma, someone may be in such a frozen place, which is a lot of what you’re describing. If we come in and do one thing, attune to them and notice. It may be different from what you would want if you were in their situation, but if you attune and do not have an agenda, have the only thing be gently tuning in, noticing. Do they seem cold? As you said, have they not eaten?

Putting out an offering, a couple of things for them to choose from, and notice. Do, as you said, a couple of choices. If they don’t respond well to choices and seem like they’re getting overwhelmed by choice, it might be something as simple as, “Do you want to step outside on the porch and hear the birds?” Little tiny steps and not telling somebody to get over it. Whatever the ‘it’ is, it’s one of the most dangerous parts of our society where we expect people to get over a trauma, a death, or whatever it is. We all have our own timeline, and to help somebody move through it, not get over it. Either be with it until they are ready to start moving through. All of that takes attunement.

The Trauma Blizzard: Understanding Symptoms and Healing

It does. Attunement is one of my favorite words. You must have been in my head. The visual example I give works for people who are a little bit of the older generation, so older millennials, Generation X, and beyond. If you remember car radios, before we had digital radios, there were analog radios. You had to turn the dial to the station. When you hit a bump, the dial shifts a little bit, so your station would be snowy. You had to tweak it ever so slightly to get a clear sound again. That’s attunement. That’s the tuner button. You’re trying to get the sound as clear as possible. That’s what we want to do for people we love. We want to tweak ourselves ever so slightly so that we can create a clear connection for them in whatever ways they need to be connected.

I want to build on something you said because it was so beautifully put. If you take that idea of the radio dial getting nudged slightly, and if you’re the person who’s experienced a trauma, that radio dial, it’s not just a white nudge. It is a big nudge. What was a slight fuzziness in your world can now be a slight snowiness, can now be a blizzard. We’re moving into the symptoms. I’m going to turn it over to you in a second. That’s why we have some of the trauma symptoms that we do, where we don’t know. It feels like there’s a blizzard around us. Life feels foggy. We don’t know if it’s okay to go outside.

When you were talking earlier about maybe if a partner betrays you, you don’t know. Should I sleep in the same bed as them? Should I leave? Should I file for divorce? Should I ever trust them again? Is it safe to love anybody again? All of this snowstorm, this blizzard of thoughts, of sensations, and everything from hatred to anger to negative self-messages. When trauma is in force, it is like a blizzard of negativity, sadness, anger, sorrow, and all sorts of feelings.

Many people aren’t accustomed to identifying those feelings and being able to sit with those feelings. Having experienced traumas in my own life, I can absolutely say that when it happens to you, you don’t know how you’re going to respond. That’s the essence of trauma. Back to you, Dr. La Keita, to walk us through some of the common symptoms, if you’d highlight them. I realize we’re already wrapping up, so if you can highlight some of those symptoms for us.

When it comes to trauma, we have different groups of symptoms. One of them is intrusive symptoms. Intrusive symptoms are symptoms that intrude or disrupt your thought processes. It could be distressing memories. It could be flashbacks from the experience. It could be reminders or little dysregulators in your environment that create intrusive symptoms or even nightmares, nightmares about the experience, or nightmares where the experience is worse. The trauma experience was worse, or it ended differently.

There are also avoidance symptoms where you are avoiding all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the places, all the conversations, the objects, the smells, the people, the activities that are centered on this trauma. Let’s say the writer who sent in the letter was walking out of an evening class on a college campus when they were attacked. They might completely avoid the college campus. Definitely the building, but the college campus. They might even avoid going to any class, even during the day, because the present, being on campus, seeing the building, and parking in that parking lot, all create anxiety and panic inside of them.

We also have symptoms that are associated with your mood. Negative thought patterns and beliefs like shame and guilt inform some of our readers, reminding others that shame is, “I am bad,” and guilt is, “I did bad.” When we have shame around trauma, we have essentially taken on the perpetrator’s response because the perpetrator was the bad actor here. When we experience shame, when we’ve been traumatized, we are essentially identifying with the person who violated us.

We see lots of shame and guilt. Sometimes, the negative mood symptoms create a disconnection or detachment in us. We don’t want to be around people. We don’t even want to be around ourselves. Sometimes, we have trouble connecting to the things that we used to do. We have trouble seeing ourselves. Another part of this is that not only do we have an influx of negative mood symptoms, but we also have a decrease in positive mood symptoms. Even when positive things happen, our mood can’t get there because of this traumatic experience.

Lastly, the last group of symptoms is arousal or reactivity. Sometimes, there’s a startle response to anything. Somebody walks through the door, and you’re jumping, or there are angry outbursts, or difficulty concentrating and focusing. Sometimes, there is hypervigilance. Every tiny crack in the house, you’re jumping because you are now on guard for future violations. For many people, these symptoms naturally dissipate as you start the healing process, as you talk to trusted others, and as you work through your coping skills. Maybe you’re coloring, you’re drawing, or you’re exercising. For some people, these symptoms don’t abate with those home remedies.

We need to engage in treatment. It’s not just for some people. Sometimes, it’s for some people at this season in their lives. They might not have needed this intervention before, but they do now. What I want to remind our audience is that we do not want to shame ourselves for needing what we need right now. We don’t look at an infant and say, “You need formula. Why don’t you need cow’s milk?” That’s what they need right then.

When they grow, when they’re different, when they’ve developed, they’ll need a different kind of milk. In other situations, we don’t shame people for needing something at a different space than they need now. Some seasons in your marriage, you need to be loved on and coddled. There are other seasons in your marriage when you need to be independent and free to explore this new version of yourself now that your kids have gone to college. All of it’s you, all of it’s acceptable, all of it’s important, and all of it’s valuable.

Healing vs. Hardening: Embracing Support for Growth

Thank you for highlighting the truth that whatever you need is what your body, mind, and spirit need in that moment. Even those who have never experienced a trauma may think of themselves or even a kiddo. Some days, you come home from work and you want an apple. Other times, you’re not hungry. Other times, you want a chocolate chip cookie. Same with a kiddo. Sometimes, they want a hug. Sometimes, they want to run straight off to their room. It depends on the individual, the day, and in this case, how the trauma was experienced, looking at our listener’s question and her saying at the tail end of the question, “Should I get stronger? Am I weak?”

How do I get stronger? Go to treatment because this is what you need right now. It is what it is. Parents of teenagers, I have two teenage sons. I have four children, but I have two teenage sons. What I can tell you is that some days, I am Mommy. They come in, and they’re like, “Mommy, how was your day?” Other days, “Hi, Mom.” Their lips barely move. Some days, they get the excited me every day. “I’m so excited to see you. I missed you today.”

There are some days when they don’t need the excited me. There’s something on their minds. They need to go to their rooms, clear, and think or be with themselves. Other days, they need love and affection from me. They’re the same person. It’s just that they need something different today. As somebody who loves them, I’m willing to supply them with what they need today.

That is a perfect example of what we talked about before, attunement. That is the power to slow down and see what the other person is needing, is saying, and is attuning to them. I love the word from attachment theory, thinking of attunement and tuning in to the self and to other people. That is something that the person who has experienced trauma has often lost, the ability to attune to themselves, being their partner, not their judge, as they walk through that. I agree with you. The listener said, “Am I weak? Do I need to get stronger?” No, you’re not weak. Do you need to get stronger? Let’s replace the word ‘get stronger’ with ‘Do you deserve to heal?’

Yes, 100%, we all deserve to heal, but also, ‘get stronger’ doesn’t necessarily mean that there was weakness. The strongest person in the world who’s competing at strongman or strongwoman competitions would argue they need to get stronger. They’re strong. They’re competing in it. ‘Get stronger’ and ‘Am I weak’ are two different things for our readers. You can be a good cook, you could be a better cook. It doesn’t mean you were a bad cook originally. It just means you’re getting better at this craft. Get stronger, sure, but 100% of people could get stronger.

The reason I was steering clear of that word a bit was because the individual would use the word earlier, “He wants me to toughen up.” If this individual is thinking that tough is being strong, I am a big believer in healing what’s hurting in order to evolve, to feel empowered, and to feel safe. To do that, it sounds like we’re on the same page. Instead of focusing on the getting tougher idea, how about getting the support?

Getting healing. You’ll get stronger through your healing. You’ll get stronger through your empowerment. You’ll get stronger through your restoration, full circle. We’ll get stronger.

If this individual can’t afford individual therapy, there is group therapy available, often community resources for somebody who’s been a victim of a crime, who has survived that crime, and is able to go. There are often really wonderful resources that you can find through your community center, hospital, sometimes a police department, or different avenues. That would be a wonderful gift for this individual to be able to give themselves or have a friend, family member, or partner, or do some research, because sometimes doing that research, if you’re the one who has been traumatized, it seems like such a vast undertaking.

That’s another way that we support people. I went to Psychology Today and found a list of therapists who are in your area. They take care first. Here you go. Use them as you want to. If you want me to, I’ll reach out to them and see if they’re accepting new patients. I’ll send you the list back, and I’ll asterisk the ones that are accepting new patients. Also, for our audience, sometimes, your sheriff’s office in your area can have different support programs. Some programs go through different city or county agencies. Ask at your sheriff’s office. I know the Baltimore Sheriff’s Office has a whole domestic violence program that is not rooted in any other department in our area, but it is in the sheriff’s office.

Lastly, consider that some states have pro bono counseling agencies that will help connect you to someone who will give you a certain number of therapy sessions for free. Maryland has a pro bono counseling agency. I actually sit on the board of that agency where they will connect somebody who is underinsured or uninsured with a volunteer provider who will agree to give them a certain number of sessions free of charge. That’s another resource for you. Sometimes, you have to do a little digging to figure that out. That’s when, if somebody says, “What can I do? Can you help me find someplace to get some treatments?” It would be a great response.

Finding Support: Resources for Trauma Survivors

California also has a program like that through the government. Wonderful to highlight those things. We can’t cover every state, but you can find some little tidbits to get you on your way. If you’re supporting somebody who’s experienced trauma and ready for some resources, or even if they’re not ready, have them handy so that when they are ready, they’re there. Dr. La Keita, thank you. What a wonderful, illuminating, and empowering conversation. Where can our audience find you and learn more about your work?

I post mental health tips through Instagram and Facebook multiple times a week. You can find me on those social media channels @DrLaKeita. If you reach out to me, direct message me for support in some way. I will certainly guide you in the right direction. I’m the only one who reads my direct messages, so you will get a response from me personally. I’m happy to help.

Dr. La Keita, thanks again for sharing your time and wisdom with us.

Thank you for having me.

It’s such an honor. Thank you. To our audience, thank you for sharing your time and your energy with us. I am deeply grateful. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Dr. La Keita Carter’s Website
• Dr. La Keita Carter on Instagram
• Dr. La Keita Carter on Facebook
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• PTSD Hotline – Free 24/7 | 866-903-3787
• iHEAL
• SAMHSA | Find Help
• Traumatic Events and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
• PTSD is More Likely in Women Than Men | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
• Psychology Today
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on Twitter
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Dr. La Keita Carter

Dr. La Keita D. Carter, a licensed clinical psychologist and international speaker, specializes in trauma, sexual wellness and relationships, addictions, women’s issues, and cultural barriers to treatment. A native Baltimorean, Dr. L completed her bachelor’s degree at Temple University (magna cum laude) and master’s and doctoral degrees at Loyola University Maryland. She is the owner and CEO of the Institute for HEALing, LLC (iHEAL), an award-winning, nationally-accredited wellness agency based in Owings Mills, MD that specializes in the treatment of mental health disorders in children, teens, and adults.

Honored as Baltimore County’s 2024 Entrepreneur of the Year, American Psychological Association Fellow (2024), one of Maryland’s Most Admired CEOs (2022), Maryland’s Top 100 Women (2021, 2023, 2025), and Top 40 under 40 (2021), Dr. L is a featured interventionist on A&E’s hit show, Extreme Road Ragers, and has been a mental health expert for media outlets like The Afro, Fox45, WBAL, New York Times, Washington Post, WJZ13, and Baltimore Sun.