You may have heard a lot about nervous system regulation and its role in helping you prevent emotional and behavioral chaos while finding inner peace. You may even have tried some tools to reduce stress and create more internal calm but didn’t find much lasting relief. In truth, it can take a lot of practice to rewire our bodies and brains in lasting ways, especially when negative patterns have been in play for years or decades. Yet because dysregulation is at the root of many issues from mood disorders to chronic anxiety, any shifts we make for the better can also benefit our partners, children, and families. Today, we’re joined by a leading expert, Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, who will guide us on the path of lasting change and healing. Dr. Roseann is a leading expert in emotional and behavioral dysregulation and creator of e CALMS Dysregulation Protocol and Regulation First Parenting.

Topics discussed include trauma, healing, mental health, anxiety, ADHD, neurotypical, neurodivergent, kinesthetic learning, nervous system, parasympathetic nervous system, autonomic nervous system, breathwork, meditation, parenting, children, family, intergenerational patterns, generational emotional wealth, and positive reinforcement.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/ and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter/X: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

Connect with Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge:

Website: www.drroseann.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drroseann/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrRoseannCapannaHodge/

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/naturalparentingsolutions

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/DrRoseann

Podcast: www.drroseann.com/podcast

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/roseanncapannahodge/

Dysregulated Kids: www.drroseann.com/dysregulatedkids

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Listen to the podcast here

The Micro-Step Method: Gently Heal Stress, Trauma, & Dysregulation

The Journey to Internal Calm

You may have heard a lot about nervous system regulation and its role in helping you prevent emotional and behavioral chaos while also helping you find inner peace. You may even have tried some tools to reduce stress and create more internal calm, but didn’t find much lasting relief. In truth, it can take a lot of practice and effort to rewire our bodies and brains in lasting ways. Especially when negative patterns have been in play for years or even decades. Yet, because dysregulation is at the root of many issues from mood disorders to chronic anxiety, any changes we make for the better can also benefit our partners, children and families.

In this episode, we’re joined by a leading expert who will guide us on the path of lasting change and healing. We’ll focus on this reader’s real-life question. “I hope you can help me with this. My son is seven and totally ADHD already. Plus, he’s anxious. I feel stupid because I only just realized that he’s so much like his dad in these ways. I don’t want to shame or blame my husband or put him on the spot. I wonder if my son is naturally anxious and inattentive or if he’s learned this from his dad. I also want to know if you have any tips that can help me with my son and maybe even my husband. Thanks.” With that issue as the focus of this episode. I’m Dr. Carla Marie Manly and this is Imperfect Love.

Please note as this episode may contain sensitive information. Audience discretion is advised. I am joined by a top-notch expert, Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge. Dr. Roseann is a leading expert in emotional and behavioral dysregulation. She is also the creator of C.A.L.M.S dysregulation protocol, and Regulation First Parenting™.

Welcome to the show, Dr. Roseann. It’s such a joy to have you with us.

I’m so grateful to be here and I’m excited for this conversation. I love the question already that your audience gave us.

I am so grateful that we have such wonderful questions to help audiences who might feel alone or as though they’re broken and realize that so many of these issues are something that we deal with every day. We might see them in our own lives, so talking about them helps us understand ourselves, our kids, if we have them, our partners and life in general. Thank you for joining us on this important issue. Now, before we launch into this wonderful topic. Can you tell our audience just a little bit about what makes you, you?

The Unwavering Belief That Everyone Can Heal

There’s so many things that make me, me but I would say I am an intuitive extrovert. I am also an Aquarian, if anybody’s in Aquarian. I am such an Aquarian, but I receive a lot of guidance from above. You don’t know my mother Philomena, she’s with Jesus now but she’s a big part of my book, The Dysregulated Kid.

I’m also very much my mother’s daughter and I’m somebody who is very empathetic and feels things very strongly. I’m also such a straight shooter. I’m very curious. That’s the Aquarian in me. For three decades, I’m no longer clinically practicing but I’ve helped thousands of people. I never believed that somebody couldn’t get better. That drove all of this work that I do. I’m just never going to take that answer, “You can’t get better.” That’s baloney and cheese. That’s a little bit about me.

Thank you so much. What a lovely introduction. I have so many questions already but I, first, love that you said that nobody cannot get better. I am a firm believer that even when I’m working with the people on the narcissistic spectrum, which is notoriously a difficult population to deal with. If there is a desire to get better and push through mental health issues. If there’s the desire, the willingness, and the commitment, then we might not ever be 100%. I don’t know anybody who’s 100% perfect, but we can make a lot of progress to where we don’t recognize the person that we once were. Thank you for that.

I always tell everybody that I just need 1% belief because we think you have to be 100% in. That’s not the way the brain works. You need a little opening and then that can be the kindling to make the change. Change is steps. It’s not a magic wand or a magic pill. That’s the harder part. Over the decades, people came from all over the world to see me because I worked with kids who are struggling in very complex cases.

Where I live is outside of New York City, in Connecticut. There are a lot of narcissists where I live here because this is the finance capital of the world. God bless you. I had to deal with it in a parenting situation. Most parents don’t see their kids the same. It becomes harder when one person isn’t seeing things from the other side.

Working with them to help to see the other person’s side and then to understand their kids behavior that it was happening from a nervous system perspective was great. People like science and then they like to know the path. That’s something I’ve been doing for a long time. If you’re struggling and you’re like, “I’m not even 50% in.” You only need 1% and then you need a little action behind it, right Dr. Carla Marie?

It’s true. You’ve said so many amazing things. When we want change, we live in a quick fix society. We want to take a pill and have our lives changed. We want to buy something and have our lives changed, but true self work, and I can say this from my own perspective from my own life. It takes a heck of a lot of work and a lot of perseverance because we are wired to stay the same unless we give it this concerted mindful effort. It isn’t overnight.

You change. Sometimes you’ll notice it. Sometimes you have this epiphany. We want to lean into that and say, “Good job. You’re on the right path,” but we often forget that this work is much like growing a garden. You’ve got to be out there. You’ve got to be watered. You’ve got to be feeding and pulling the weeds. If you make it a journey of love rather than a journey of, “I have to change.” Do you want to change? Do you want to find that inner calm more often than not? Do you want to make it more accessible and not blame yourself for the days where it’s a little more allusive, a little more out of reach?

You were talking about astrological science. One of my sisters has a precious soul. She passed unexpectedly, but she was an Aquarius. I don’t know about you, but she was so curious, so driven and so excitement oriented and full of life. Me, I’m a sage, truthful and honest. I need to be on the move. I’m not as rooted as I can get in many ways, but in some ways, I’m more like this horse/butterfly. The nice thing about a sage is you always know where you stand. There’s going to be much manipulation.

Sage and Aquarius are good friends because Aquariums have a sense of justice. We like that. We’re also good friends and so are Sagittarius’. We’re just a little harder. We’ll cut you off if you’re not our people. We need to be loved and accepted for who we are and not changed. When I think about the people that I have in my inner circle, they all just love and accept me for who I am. They’re also super loyal and they like to have fun.

I’m with you on that regardless of our signs that have people who get us, love us, and accept us. Not put up with our crap if we’re being awful. We want friends who can call off other stuff. Also, I love that piece that you said about justice. I was working with a client on this where she has this deep drive for justice. That’s important for us to notice those qualities, whatever our sign is or even if we don’t believe in science. Notice the qualities in you, your priorities, your values and wanting justice. Going back to the question of the day, these are things that can help us create inner calm.

Absolutely. If we’re with people where we don’t have a values alignment, it creates a dysregulation. It becomes very hard. You talked about an evolutionary process with the clients that you work with and the clients I work with. I always like to tell them, I’m highly integrative. I do a lot of functional things. I always have since the early 1990s.

Why Personal Growth Shakes Up Your Family System

As you move in whatever lane you’re moving into, but you’re in a place of change, of awakening, or your garden, people around you can shift. That’s not a bad thing. You just have to realize it could create a weird feeling in your nervous system. As you change, the people that believe in you and support you will change with you. Sometimes, there are seasons to relationships and friendships, too. It doesn’t have to be an awful feeling. We don’t talk about that enough as you grow. Sometimes, people don’t want to grow with you.

Thank you. That is a hugely important piece. I talked about that very thing. Readers, this is so important because as you change, you might feel a push from other people in your life to get back into being the same old you. I use the image of a lovely mobile above a baby’s crib with little birds on it. That little mobile is static. It’s staying in one place. The minute you pull at one of those birds, it’s going to start the whole little mobile moving.

As you change, you are that little bird that moved and everybody else is going to say, “This person is not behaving the way they used to. Our little family, our system, our click or whatever it is, is not regulated anymore.” They’re going to try and pull you back into that old pattern, which may be very dysfunctional. It’s realizing that you have the right. Sometimes, I even say the responsibility to shake things up so that you’re more aligned with yourself. If this creates a little bit of dysregulation of that sort, that’s healthy dysregulation. What do you think of Dr. Roseann?

I think that with growth comes, uncomfortableness and so much of my work is about regulation first. All regulation first is that, all these strategies and tools or learning and all treatments or whatever you’re doing to better yourself. Those things either can’t work at all or don’t work as well as they could until your nervous system is regulating. In the past, all of my work has been regulated in some way, shape, or form. I do a lot of PEMF. That’s pulsed electromagnetic field therapy. It regulates the nervous system, but that’s just a fancy way to do it. There’s all kinds of ways like breath work, prayer. All kinds of stuff that are free. We could talk about that.

You’ve got to spend time doing proactive things to regulate yourself. When you’re stretching yourself, when you’re growing in therapy as you get uncomfortable, your nervous system can say, “I’m uncomfortable but I know how to be relaxed.” Which is in the autonomic nervous system which manages your stress. It’s the parasympathetic state. You get a little uncomfortable when you’re doing something new. You’re learning something. You’re decided literally to go on a roller coaster or whatever. You’re getting married. Somebody said something awful. All these different points in life.

Introducing Neurodivergence to a Partner Without Blame

Your nervous system knows how to go back but what’s happening is we’re moving into a constant state of dysregulation. That is impacting how people are moving through the world. We’re moving to a dysregulation crisis. Not just kids, but also adults and parents. It’s hard. The question was from a parent who has a child with ADHD. She is now seeing that her husband has it. To have this conversation, she’s not sure how to make it. This is where I spent so much time working with parents and about 80% of the time, they’re not in agreement with their child’s issue or how to address it, which is hard.

When I meet couples that are like, “We agreed.” I’m like, “Can we just honor that for a minute,” because that is not typical. What I do so much is helping them to see the other side and say things like, “This is what it is.” What I always do is lead with science. What is the nervous system showing us? A great example or the case of this seven-year-old. How is she going to talk to her husband about her kid’s ADHD? She’s afraid of making him feel bad.

First of all, it might be a relief to your husband to say, “Have you ever thought you had ADD because of this, this, and this? Here’s some things that people with ADHD are good at and you do those things. You’re so good at hyper focusing or you learn by doing.” Most people with neurodivergence learn through what we call kinesthetic learning. Start with what’s good and then be like, “When it’s boring, you have a hard time focusing.” This isn’t uncommon for parents to realize they’re dyslexic or autistic or ADHD or something in the neurodivergent realm or even that they have a clinical mental health issue.

That they’ve been at a much more functional level, but it starts with a conversation without anger and saying, “We have Joey here. He’s seven and the teachers are already coming to me with concerns and I see them. I don’t disagree. Let’s get an action plan together. I found this provider to talk to, or we’re going to have a school meeting and let’s listen.” She’s probably concerned that her husband’s going to feel like, “He’s fine. We don’t need to do anything.” That’s probably what’s driving that concern.

Thank you. You’ve said so many important pieces and I appreciate what you said. As part of the conversation, when we talk with someone, whether it’s our partner or someone else. Finding those positives of something like ADHD, where it’s not a label to blame you or shame you. It’s just, “There are these pieces that are positive. Maybe there are some that work against you or work against our child and help the person see.” Even if we focus on the child at first and then later help the husband or the adult in the situation.

I’d like your input on this, Dr. Roseann. It’s realizing that so many of these patterns are intergenerational transmitted. Not because we want our kid or our parents want us to be dysregulated. I’m going to ask you for your opinion on two things. A lot of this can come from trauma, from childhood environments that have kids walking on eggshells. That have kids in the chronic state of dysregulation or fear. The kid’s going to grow up that way unless they get serious treatment. They’re going to pass it on not intentionally, but to their kiddos and their kiddos are going to pass it on to their kiddos. What do you think about both of those pieces in your work?

Passing Down Generational Emotional Wealth

I could not agree more with you. In fact, I’m doing a TED Talk on this very topic in September 2026. I’m a trademark attorney called Generational Emotional Wealth. In mental health, how we diagnose people is very much influenced by pharma, in medications. It sends this message that everything you pass on is genetic, but what we’re saying is something different. It’s your inherent behavior. To understand what trauma really is, because we always think of the big T, the big traumas.

We’re not thinking of all the little ways trauma shows up to have a narcissistic mother. How is that? What does that mean to have had medical trauma or to have different ways? We don’t decide what’s trauma. Your body decides what’s trauma. It gets held differently. You can have five people experience the same thing and have completely different reactions. Some of that as a provider for Sandy Hook in 9/11. What people brought to the table, what they came in with affect or determined how they were going to deal with these very big traumas.

I want people to know that just because you weren’t in or sexually abused or had a horrific accident. Your trauma is valid. A lot of people think, “I had these things, and so what?” They’re not understanding the trauma connection. Trauma affects us in ways. It is something that can be addressed when we regulate our nervous system and we do trauma-informed therapy. I’ve seen incredible transformations with people, so never lose hope.

When we think, “This is all genetic. Anxiety is genetic. Depression is genetic.” Sometimes it is, but more of what I see is these behaviors, these ways of doing things. I said I’m daughter Philomena. I learned a lot of ways of doing things from her. I’m like a five-star Chef. I learned it from her and ways in doing things. The number one way we learn to parent is from our parents. Good and bad. I always talk about Tony and Philomena. Those are my parents. I learned a lot of good things.

I also learned some bad things. They favored their male child because that was cultural. That did a number on us as kids and wasn’t healthy and divided us. We inherit behaviors and trauma does affect us. It does not determine us. When we have the power calm, calm can change your DNA. Calm can break the cycle, but if you don’t stop and say, “I’m not going to let this trauma and these ways of behaviors pass on.” It will pass on. You and I both see that.

Again, readers, this isn’t blaming. You might be pausing and going, “I’ve passed this on to my kids. I’ve passed this on to my grandkids.” That’s not the message here or you may hate your parents or be stuck in resenting your parents for passing on something to you. They likely didn’t do it intentionally. They likely did what they knew to do, which is what most of us do. Most of us pass things on like eating behaviors, shopping behaviors.

Also, good behaviors like being friendly and looking out for your elderly neighbor, but you’re right. When we know better, we can do better. You might have an a-ha moment, so now you know. When you know, we can do some things differently. Never shame. It’s a point of understanding and your people are listening because they want better for themselves.

That’s the key piece. Wanting better, to me, is the key to mental health. The minute we wake up and go, “I want a better life. I want better for myself, for this reader.” She reached out. It’s basically saying, “I want more. I won’t do any more for my kiddo. I want more for my husband. I’ve had this epiphany that I now see it.” That’s fabulous. I get so excited when somebody reaches out because reaching out for support is one of the wisest, most courageous things we can ever do, being stuck in dysfunction. We’re going to be stuck. I question before we move on. Could you say more about the term you coined? Was it intergenerational?

It’s Generational Emotional Wealth™. We’re leaving people the wrong things. We need to leave people a regulated nervous system. All of my work teaches people how to do that very easily in such a doable way. It doesn’t matter if you have a trauma history. It doesn’t matter if you perceive yourself as not good at these things or a bad parent or whatever you want to say to yourself. It’s as easy as easy could be. I took what worked in those three decades with thousands of people. I simplified it. I made everything free and accessible. We have to focus on teaching everybody to regulate because we’re choking on overwhelmed and dysregulation. We can change that.

Rewriting the Subconscious Through Consistent Action

In my practice, I get so many questions like, “I tried breathing, Dr. Carla. The breathing didn’t work. I tried meditation. The meditation didn’t work. I did EMDR with another therapist. The EMDR didn’t work.” When we realize that this isn’t about trying one thing. This is about trying and finding what works and then continuing the practice daily until you rewire yourself to find inner calm. I can say from myself, having had significant trauma in my life. This is where I am now. People say, “You’re so calm and so peaceful.” I don’t give my background but I’m like, “Yes,” and then I think to myself, “That’s a lot of therapy behind that. That’s a lot of self-work behind that.”

A lot of work. It’s an inside job. In my C.A.L.M.S protocol. The S is supported and reinforced. I’m the same as you. People come to me and I say, “I tried this supplement. I tried this.” There’s so many things that are behind it. The first thing is, did you do it enough? Did you do it at a high level? I want to hear you saying you did it every day, three times a day for 30 days. When I mean that, I mean are you doing breath work? Are you doing one of the somatic practices like a heart hug? You don’t like breath work because you have a trauma background. Don’t worry about it. I got other things.

Are you getting up and praying every morning? What are you doing to for sure the nervous system to regulate? People will say, “I did it. I did it for like a week and it didn’t work.” Also, recognizing the micro. We have an all or nothing mentality in the sense that if I didn’t get to the summit, it’s a failure. You have to go to the base camps on Mount Everest. What changed was intensity, frequency and duration. Seeing success not only is important for you to recognize it. It’s your subconscious. It’s your nervous system that needs to recognize it.

I don’t think people realize that your subconscious is running the show 95% to 99.5% of the time. When you teach the nervous system in the brain, you teach it, “I’m doing okay.” It says, “I should do more of that.” It will start working automatically. The whole point of being consistent, as you said. When you started these practices you, you, yourself would meditate and be like, “That sucked. I was terrible at it.” I remember going to meditation and this Monk said, “I’m terrible at meditating.” I was like, “What? You’re a monk.” He was like, “Yes, I’m so bad at it. I got to do walking meditation or I got a count when I do it.”

He was a Buddhist Monk. I was like, “Thank you for normalizing because I’m running through my grocery list when I’m doing that.” You have to find what works for you. You have to practice it multiple times a day. Why? It’s because we have to get that activated nervous system. The ANS. You’re on an anomic nervous system down from a sympathetic dominant state, fight, flight, freeze and fawn down into a parasympathetic state. The more you regulate, the more you will regulate. The more you dysregulate, the more you will just regulate because of its habits.

Building habits takes time. You didn’t just come out talking or walking or riding a bike. You had to do a lot of things to get to that. You have to be kind to yourself but you have to move your butt. You got to do the work. That’s the hard part for people. That’s okay. You have to be kind to yourself. You get you fall off, you get back up. You forget three weeks. That’s okay. Start doing it.

It’s so wonderfully said because there’s so much compassion. If you grew up in a childhood environment that was anxiety-inducing, as many of us did. Especially now where there’s anxiety permeating households, social media, television. It’s everywhere. Even video games. When I watched people play videos, I was like, “There’s so much nervousness going on. There’s so much dysregulation, in some cases.” If you’re ten years old or your kid is ten or in this case, the reader’s kid is seven. That seven years of hardwired daily 24/7 almost dysregulation. How could we expect to change that in one therapy session?

Even those messaging. The average person with ADHD gets 20,000 more negative messages before age eighteen than a neurotypical kid. Which, I don’t know who those neurotypical kids are but that’s a lot. It’s a lot of don’t do this, stop this, and have you thought of this. When we think about parenting and even her concern about telling her husband. He probably got a lot of negative messaging. She sees that and is afraid to tell him.

That’s were starting with the positive and also bringing the reality of hopefulness and how interventions help him regulate or so helpful. Also, to let him know that education demands on kids are very different than even fifteen years ago with constant device uses and an incredible amount of schoolwork, Dr. Carla Marie. I can’t believe how much work these kids have. We both have doctorates. We believe in education, but I also believe in having fun. Kids need some downtime.

To your point about the kids’ schedules. It goes from being in school to going to soccer practice, basketball practice, or ballet practice then coming home. Do your homework, eat, make sure you catch up with friends on social media and go through your free time and then maybe sleep with your phone in your hand or phone by your bed. Wake up and you do it all over again. It makes me feel a bit dysregulated saying that.

The other piece where you’re talking about how long these patterns have been at work. Let’s imagine dad is 35 or dad might be 40. We don’t know. Bless him. For him, his patterns have been at work for many decades like 35 years or 45 years. We want to give ourselves grace for whatever our chronological age is. Let’s imagine somebody is 60 and they say, “Can I do this? I’ve had these patterns for 60 years.” Of course, you can.

I had people come to me in their 80s. Trauma sufferers came to me in the 80s. What a miracle to go and seek help in your 80s. I’ll never forget her for wanting to be different.

I think of some of my older clients. No matter somebody’s age, but you’re right. When you see someone who hasn’t given up. A client I had who came with a narcissistic husband. She was in the upper levels of the age. I don’t want to give it away. Bless her for finally having had enough and wanting things to change. Readers, whether you’re 15 or 85, whether you’re a grandparent, a parent and you want to create positive change. That is what. Dr. Roseann and I are talking about that. If you have a dysregulated kid, maybe you’re dysregulated.

The same things I talked about are for adults of any age, kids of any age. I say kids, but I’ve worked with 37 year old kids that are developmentally 15. Everyone is capable of change. You just have to take the steps. What I tried to do in all of my work, whether it’s my show or my book, The Dysregulated Kid or it’s a blog. It doesn’t matter which route you’re going in, I try to break it down and make it simple because we do get overwhelmed. We also sometimes get frustrated that things aren’t happening at all or enough.

Some of the things that you have done will work once you learn to regulate your nervous system. That, to me, is always the missing ingredient in the sauce of good kinds of clinical care or not even clinical care but just interventions. Once somebody says, “I tried meditating.” What else are you doing? Are you coming off a device for three hours and trying to meditate? Maybe you should go for a quick walk outside before you transition to that. I would have a hard time meditating if I was working on my computer for three hours. Think about how you’re doing things and how frequently you’re doing things.

Two things I want to dive back into what you said. You talked about the husband or an adult, also being a dysregulated kid. That was so beautifully said, especially when there’s unhealed trauma. We don’t mean this in a disparaging way for you to call yourself a broken kid or a partner a broken kid or a child a broken kid. The point is, trauma makes us get stuck. We can chronologically age. We can be great businesswomen or businessmen, but there can be that part stuck inside that is chronically on edge. The idea is not to shame or blame that piece but to look at it with compassion and go, “I have this part of me that is stuck in this scared, terrified place. I want to help that part of me feel better.”

Dr. Roseann, thank you for bringing that up. It’s so important. The other piece that I like and again, you’re going back to the stepwise approach of what works for someone else, what you might see as a hack on Instagram or Facebook or wherever in a book. It may not work for you. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you want a personalized one. For me, I can meditate to a certain degree, but I’m also much like your Monk. I do better with a moving meditation. I do better with a mantra in my head as I meditate.

I do better doing my blessings because remember, I’m part horse because of the Sagittarius. I do better doing my blessings while I’m brushing my teeth or stretching. I do better doing these things while I’m moving. Not anxious movement. If you’re a naturally slower paced person, maybe you can sit and do a seated meditation for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 15 minutes or longer. Please don’t compare yourself or your kid or your partner to somebody else.

The idea is to work, to find out and it can be helpful to put your hands on your heart or your stomach. For me, my big place is my solar plexus. That place lists the nerve right below your rib cage and breathes. Feel when your breath is aligned with you and brings you a sense of calm. Those little micro moments, guess what? You just did it. You regulated yourself. Dr. Roseann, I’d love to keep you here all day long. Could you give our readers some basic tips that they can try that will help them find tiny little ways to move forward?

The Stress Cup and the Power of Co-Regulation

If you can visualize a cup, I will talk a lot about a stress cup. Our cup fills up all day with different things. Maybe you’re somebody who’s sensitive to light or you have to deal with a difficult co-worker. You have a stressful child. Our cup fills up. What are the little ways we’re going to take stress out of the cup? Is it a 4-7-8 breath? Meaning breathing in for 4, holding for 7 and then exhaling for 8. Is it walking outside for ten minutes? Is it ten minutes of reading? What is that ritual that you’re going to practice at least three times a day?

The reason why you need to do this multiple times a day is your nervous system needs to know what it’s like. You can’t just say, “I’m going to be calm.” It’s like when you yell at a kid and you’re like, “Calm down,” and you’re so mad. That’s not going to queue it. That is huge. If you’re a parent or a partner, how can you get the people in your world to be doing this together? In the C.A.L.M.S, the C is co-regulate. One nervous system can set the tone for the room. In my book, I talk about a true story. It was the first day of a job in an inner-city school. I had to go help in the kindergarten on the first day of school. There was a very seasoned teacher and the kids were like maniacs.

They were running and there was somebody blocking the door. These were kids that had never been in a school environment. There was a kid who was called a Loper. He was in autistic and would run and then forget it. He’d leave the building. It was very scary. This teacher became the cop. She just was like, “I’m going to become the calm.” Our body will queue into other people and react. Let yourself be the calm to reset the people around you. You don’t have to tell people you do.

What you should do is try to have people, whether you’re the parent again or partner. What can you do that’s small? Start to look for wins. Teach your brain to see the positives because from a biological perspective, from leftovers from caveman times, it’s going to see the negative. We have to train it to see the positive. Lean into what’s working. You may feel like again something didn’t work before, but I’m going to challenge you. Did you do it long enough? Are you sure there aren’t positive changes or you just annoyed that those changes were not happening fast enough? Do it for 30 days. If you could practice one thing for 30 days, you have the mental capacity to journal, to put down changes at your noticing, positive changes. You’ll be surprised what’s in that journal.

Thank you for these practical tips. I want to emphasize the piece that you are saying about how important it is to realize these little baby steps because our brains are wired for, very good reason, to notice the negative. We needed to notice the rustle in the bushes so the tiger didn’t jump out and kill us. We’re generally safe. Turning our attention to be able to say, “I am calm. I am peaceful. This feels good.” Also, those little pats on the back.

I’m a big believer when I’m working with someone and they take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. I say, “Notice that breath you took. Notice that you felt peaceful enough to be in alignment with yourself.” I often talk about my giant schnauzers. That when I give him a hug and we’re in co-regulation and he takes a deep breath in and out.

Co-regulation is so powerful. My kid was a dysregulated kid, but this is about a lot of kids, families and individuals. It’s not just about my kid, but when he dysregulates, I say in my head, “I am the wall of calm.” First of all, Italian Aquarian, you don’t want to piss me off. Outside in New York City, watch out. There’s something about being the wall of calm that is so empowering. It is contagious. As a leader in a lot of places, I can bring the room down or amplify it. That’s the power of these little things.

We weren’t born like this. This is something that happened. Regulation is built over intentional practices over time. If you didn’t have safety because of your initial environment, you can get that. You can get it. I’ve seen it. I saw it on 9/11. I saw it with Sandy Hook and a million other people who had trauma that was horrific. Be empowered by these little steps and stick with it because that’s the part.

Also, give yourself grace if you skip a little or you forget. Build in those reminders. Use your phone. Whatever you got to do. Put timers. I always tell my people, “Whatever practice you’re going to do, I want you to set it up with the word on your phone so that it goes off three times a day to force you to remember.” You won’t have to do that forever. You’re going to just do it all the time.

Until it gets hardwired and your body knows when it wants coffee or tea or breakfast and lunch. You learn to notice that your system also wants a snack. Your system wants a snack of calmness. It will thrive when you do that. There’s one more piece. When we’re looking at co-regulation because I’m such a believer in it. I remember when I learned it, I was like, “What is this?” The therapist said, “I want you to give your partner a cow hug.” I said, “A cow hug? What’s like a cow hug?”

My partner was looking at me like, “What?” We put our hearts together. He took a deep breath in and a deep breath out. I took a deep breath in and deep breath out. To this day, we still do our cow hugs. Only he’s added and he can get just regulated. He now moos. Not only are we co-regulating but he’s mooing so we get a giggle out of it.

I’m a big fan of joy. I have a whole section in my book about joy.

When we do these things with kids, if we sit and we’re in a yoga position. We do a little breath work with them and make it fun. Make it fun. Make it joyful.

We were forgetting about joy and silliness. We’re just forgetting about it. If you use silliness as a regular strategy in your life, it’s not going to feel foreign to your partner and your family. It’s just something and it’s such a great icebreaker. I could tell you stories in the Hodge household that just would have you in hysterics.

These are things that are free. These are things that don’t cost you anything just being intentional about them. As my dad Tony always says, “’It’s easy with the mouth.” It’s easy to say these things. You have to do it, but I do believe. Again, you just need that 1% belief and it just needs a little bit of action, then it will just be a positive snowball effect. You can try things around.

You have so much wisdom and I love that you have a section on joy in your book. I am a firm believer in joy. The dysregulated kid readers, remember this is something that we can all benefit from because we all have a kiddo part in ourselves.

Thankfully. I have an action plan for adults and for adults to help a kid. This is for everybody. When people buy this book whenever you’re buying it, there are incredible resources that are available for free. If you’re buying an advance of the date that it comes out, you can order it and you’re going to get things that you can start using immediately. I want to have a regulated darn world. I need everybody to regulate.

That’s so good. We can do it. No more road rage. No more people yelling at us. Only blessing and love.

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

Wouldn’t that be peace?

Wouldn’t that be like, “Let me get the door for you. Your kids are having a hard time. Can I give you a hand?” Can you imagine? That comes from a place of regulation and I believe it.

You made me think of the power of noticing things right. My husband and I were at the grocery store and there was a mom with two kiddos. Probably, 9 and 14. She was putting the cart away very carefully, and she was explaining to them, even though they were toddlers. She’s saying, “It’s important to do this because otherwise, the cart can get away and get into the parking lot and hurt somebody else’s car.” I paused and she started walking away.

I thought, “That was such a great teaching moment,” and for anyone else who happened to read even if they were adults. I said, “Excuse me.” She turned around and said, “What?” I said, “That was just such a great mothering you did right there.” The kids were all smiling like somebody noticed my mom is cool. When we know this, again, with positive reinforcement. Notice when you’re doing something well. Notice when your neighbor or stranger or your kids are doing something well. Let’s get more kudos to ourselves.

Kind words cost us nothing. They trickle through. It’s incredible. We can go on but one of the things that came out of Sandy Hook is this whole kindness movement. They do such beautiful things with it. Certainly, it’s an inspiration in a community that was hurting on such a level that it would be hard to explain. I just have very tough clinical cases.

On average, most people are seeing 12 to 15 providers with a child before they come to me. We could always turn things around if they believed and they were willing. That’s the message of empowerment. The magic comes in micro. It does not come in a big thing. That’s what the message we have to give to people because we’re all truly choking and overwhelmed. It doesn’t have to be this way.

It could be as simple as just ending it with this piece from my end. As simple as, I am not a believer in getting the dysregulated influence of television news. It’s something that my husband was big on doing. A long time ago, we made an agreement that he can listen to it anytime he wants when I’m not in the room. He now no longer listens to it at bedtime and it makes a big difference. You can expect yourself to be regulated if you are constantly immersed.

You want to look at your environment, the level of music, the amount of nature you have and the level of news and the type of news you take in. I take my news in from either paper sources or nice regulated podcasts. These are things we can do, especially if we have kids in the house. It’s leaking through to them.

There’s so many things like muting somebody on Facebook. My bestie’s changed her life. She had a narcissistic mother and trauma. She’s like, “I’m going to do this. Is this the right thing?” I’m like, “You’re setting boundaries,” but such a wonderful conversation. I know we talked about parenting but we are raising human beings as a collective. Every little thing we do adds up and people do struggle for a variety of reasons and be empowered by little things making that change. Also, I feel okay with it because it doesn’t have to happen fast. As long as you’re trending up in the stock market, you’re good.

Trending positive reinforcement. Notice what’s going right. Pat yourself on the back. Pat the people in your life on the back. That not only helps your trauma. It creates new neural pathways but it makes us feel joyful. When we feel like we’re doing a good little thing here and there, just tiny shifts. It feels good. I believe, as you do, that’s what the world needs. Thank you, Dr. Roseann. Where can our readers find you and incredible work?

Thank you for this conversation. You can just go to DrRoseann.com. You also can search Dr. Roseann anywhere or The Dysregulated Kid and you can find me there. If this resonated with you, please buy this book and also buy it for at least one other person who you think needs it. We need to create a community where people believe in regulation. There’s so many easy tools in this book to start using but it also has a book club. There’s all kinds of things that are free resources once you buy the book.

Thank you again, Dr. Roseann. It has been a joy and a pleasure. Thank you so much. To our readers, thank you so much for tuning in. It is always my joy, my privilege and my delight. This is Imperfect love.

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About Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge

Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge is a leading expert in emotional and behavioral dysregulation with more than 30 years of experience helping families transform chaos into calm. As the creator of Regulation First Parenting™ and the CALMS Dysregulation Protocol™, she bridges clinical science with everyday parenting so families can finally understand what’s really driving their child’s struggles.

Specializing in nervous system dysregulation, the root cause of challenges like ADHD, anxiety, OCD, mood disorders, and PANS/PANDAS, Dr. Roseann gives parents and professionals brain-based tools that create lasting change without blame, shame, or guesswork.

Through her bestselling books, upcoming book The Dysregulated Kid, and top 1% podcast, Dysregulated Kids, she has helped thousands of families support their child’s brain, behavior, and emotional well-being in practical, hopeful ways. Featured in The New York Times, Forbes, and Parents Magazine, Dr. Roseann is on a mission to bring Regulation First Parenting™ to every home, so children can thrive and families can finally feel calm again.