We often ignore or blame ourselves for a decline in sexual desire. We may even chalk it up to hormones, relationship issues, or boredom. And while all of these factors can surely contribute to a reduced sex drive, anxiety, burnout, stress–and even unresolved trauma–can take a big toll. Today, I’m joined by a top-notch sex and intimacy coach, Annette Benedetti, who will help you come home to your body so that you can enjoy the pleasure and connection you deserve. Topics discussed include sex, sexual intimacy, relationships, anxiety, depression, trauma, panic attacks, libido, orgasm, sensuality, pleasure, joy, and healing.

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

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Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

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Connect with Annette Benedetti:

Website: https://talksexwithannette.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/annettebenedetti/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Talksexwithannette

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@talksexwithannette

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@talksexwithannette

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The Romance Wrecker: How Stress and Anxiety Ruin Your Sex Life

How Stress and Anxiety Ruin Your Sex Life

We often ignore or blame ourselves for a decline in sexual desire. We may even chalk it up to hormones, relationship issues, or boredom. While all of these factors can surely contribute to a reduced sex drive, it’s important to know that anxiety, burnout, and stress, and even unresolved trauma, can take a big toll. We’re joined by a top-notch sex and intimacy coach who will help you come home to your body so that you can enjoy the pleasure and connection you deserve.

We’ll focus on this listener’s real-life question. “My sex drive dropped significantly when I started taking antidepressants. I felt better, but also pretty numb. I started doing a lot of self-work around that, and it has made me feel better. I stopped taking the pills, and I’m not as depressed and anxious as I used to be. My sex drive hasn’t come back. My partner is really patient with me, but I miss our sex life. Can you talk about this?”

That question is the focus of today’s episode. Please note, as this episode does contain sensitive information, reader discretion is advised. If you’d like further information, please see the special links. I am so excited to be joined by Annette Benedetti. Annette is a Sex and Intimacy Coach. She’s also the Host of the top-rated podcast and YouTube channel Talk Sex with Annette. Welcome to the show, Annette. It’s such a delight to have you with us.

I’m really excited to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

Thank you for being with us. Before we launch into this really juicy topic, I’m really excited to explore it with you can you tell our listeners just a little bit about what makes you, you?

I think what makes me, me, is that I’m not a pencil-skirt sex talk person. I come from a real authentic self. I love to share my personal experience with my listeners, with my clients, so that they feel that everything is coming from an authentic place. I also am willing to delve into some of the sex topics that people shy away from, such as how to re-engage with your libido, with yourself and your body, after things like sexual trauma, or when you’re dealing with things like anxiety and other topics that aren’t as sexy and fun as a lot of people like to talk about. When we think about talking about sex, we want to talk about the things that really get us off and the juicy taboo things. I think the reality is that in order to honor the whole conversation of sensuality and sexuality and the good parts, we have to look at the parts that are a little bit more difficult.

Thank you so much. I really love and honor that start, because it’s so important. We talk about so many things in life. We talk about where we go to dinner, where we went on vacation, what’s going on in our heads, what’s going on in our emotions sometimes, but even with our closest partner, we may not really talk about what’s going on with us on a sexual level. I also love that you bring sensuality into it, because getting in touch with one’s body and we all struggle with things at one time or another, whether it’s a bit of depression, anxiety, grief, or something really much more severe.

Stress And Anxiety: The Biggest Libido Killers

All of those things, including life changes whether it’s perimenopause, whether it’s pregnancy, whether it’s just not feeling good in your skin anymore, there are so many things, including unresolved trauma, and that’s a big one. I know that’s a topic that you really focus on in many ways, and I really appreciate that, because it’s also one that is not discussed often enough and openly enough. Let’s get going on this listener’s question. Again, thank you for that beautiful foundation, because it opens the door to us talking about all of this in a real, authentic way. Okay, so when you heard that listener’s question, what came to your mind?

First of all, it’s important for everybody to know that stress and anxiety is one of the biggest libido killers. It is almost impossible to be in high stress and anxiety and be sexually aroused. Of course, when we’ve got stress and anxiety, we’re dumping cortisol, which makes it almost impossible to have all of those feel-good, the oxytocin, dopamine, and stuff like that to spike in our body, if we want to talk about it on a chemical level.

Knowing that this listener had anxiety, as many of us do theirs was at a level, right, a heightened level where they really needed to seek out help. It sounds like to get it under control. People experience stress every day at a lower level and find that it also interrupts their libido. I thought to myself, “this is a really common problem.”

There’s the medication on top of it. Of course, many medications interrupt our sexual drive. That’s just something that we know. What was interesting to me was once whatever self-work they did, which we don’t know we can hypothesize got them to the point where they could wean off of that medication, their lack of libido was still there. This didn’t surprise me, and I think maybe it will a lot of people, because they’re like, “Well, now the stress is gone. Why aren’t they back in the mood?”

We don’t know what caused the stress in the first place. Whatever it was, it caused the mind and the body to sever that trust connection when it comes to sex and sexuality and being aroused. In my mind, it’s like, “Now the work you have to do is starting to reconnect that. The body to pleasure, the mind to pleasure, and converting it back into like, sex is fun. Sex is this stress-free place to play.”

Another thing that I think is important to say here is sometimes, sex with a partner causes stress. I actually find sex with myself oftentimes to be easier and more enjoyable than with a partner, because I’m not worried about someone else’s pleasure. If you’re a good lover and if you care about the person you’re having sex with, there’s always a little bit of something going on there. You’re thinking, “Are they having a good time? I want them to have a good time.”

That can ramp up anxiety, and it can make people want to avoid sex just because especially if you just got off medication you’re like, “I don’t want to get in another stressful situation. ” in my mind, I’m like, “They need to start rebuilding their relationship with pleasure, with themselves first, and then start looking at bringing their partner.” notice when they mentioned sex and libido, the first thing they did was refer to their partner. They didn’t even refer to their own needs.

Yeah, let’s take a pause here. I think this is so important, because when we look at exactly what you’re saying and I’m so glad you got straight to that, it’s brilliant. Thank you that often we don’t talk about that. For if you are a caring person, a caring lover, you definitely are engaged with, “Is my partner satisfied? Is my partner happy?”

If your focus is too much on that other person, especially if you’re coming from a place like this listener of depression, anxiety, it can feel pretty intimidating to get back into the sexual pleasure, because you may be wondering underneath it, “Well, am I enough? Can I make my partner happy? Is my weight right? Is my body right? Is my mood right?” All of these things are so important.

Annette, thank you for really focusing on that. I just wanted to pause and thank you for that, because we often don’t talk about how stressful it can be to want to please your partner. As you said, sometimes for you, pleasing yourself, and for many people, is a lot easier. It’s a lot less stressful. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to work on the love relationship as well.

I also just wanted to go back to something else you said that I thought was really beautiful. When you were talking about how the stress, even though the pills were now not part of the situation, that peace is relieved, but whatever was going on underneath which is one of the reasons pills aren’t always the ideal fix, they can get you to a certain level. Whatever was going on beforehand is still there.

When we think about it even with animals in the wild, you don’t necessarily I’ve never seen it see them making, having sex, when they’re being chased by you don’t see a lion and a copulating when they’re being chased by another lion. We do our best as animals when we are not in a threatened space. Sex, if you are in that fight-flight-freeze-appease mode, whatever it is, it’s not going to feel rewarding. Back to you.

Right, and really figuring out what that underlying piece is, is important. Making sure that when you’re trying to be intimate with someone, that stress level isn’t spiking back up. The other thing I wanted to comment on is that in this case, it sounds like they mentioned their partner being very patient, which sounds to me like during this time when they were on medication, maybe they haven’t been having much sex at all.

Now there’s this pressure. “Now I’m off the medication, and my partner’s been patient, but I know intimacy is super important to this relationship, and there’s some expectation, whether it’s mine or theirs or both of ours, that things are going to get going again.” That in and of itself elevates the anxiety around sex.

Say more about why that would trigger someone, please.

I think natural thoughts are, especially when you’ve gone through a period of time where you haven’t been able to have sex with your partner, thoughts come into the into one’s head that are like, “If this continues, I’m going to lose my partner. If this continues, they’re going to seek intimacy from someone else.” it is such a core part of a relationship, and worrying about the damage that it’s going to be caused if you’re not satisfying them sexually.

Once this medication has stopped, they seem to have in their mind, “I miss the intimacy.” I’m sure that they do, but also that their partner had been very patient. How long does patience last before things turn sour? That’s what I was reading under it. Now there’s pressure to show up, which leads to performance. Think about yourself going on stage, even if you want to be on stage, the anxiety that occurs if you’re going to perform in front of a group of people.

My anxiety elevated being here on the show, just knowing people were going to watch it. There’s a performance in a way taking place of sharing information and wanting to do it well. That anxiety comes up a little bit. It’s fun anxiety, but it’s still anxiety. I am not turned on right now. There is nothing that would get me there right now, and that’s similar to what happens when this stress enters a relationship. When you feel that expectation, when you want to show up and you want to be super sexy because you know you haven’t been in a long time it causes anxiety. Your libido’s like, “I’m out.” I think a little bit of that could be happening.

Why Panic Disorders Can Be Cyclical

I was also thinking that once this individual’s back in the game, they may be wondering, “Well, is it going to be as good as it was before? Am I going to be able to keep this going if it is good? What if it’s really great at first?” All of the what ifs that often come up, and all of the what ifs or shoulds. What ifs and shoulds really dampen sexual energy. What’s your thought on that?

I like that you bring that up, the what if. Now, I don’t know what kind of anxiety they were experiencing. On my own podcast, I’ve been very open about, I have dealt with panic disorder throughout most of my adult life. The onset was in my late teens, early twenties. One thing about panic disorder is it can be very cyclical, meaning you have this time of intense panic attacks. Definitely not feeling sexy when that’s happening.

You get everything under control, and you can go a year, two years without the extreme panic but it oftentimes comes back at difficult period or like hormonal changes in your life, pregnancy, divorces but you don’t know when that might reoccur, the spike in anxiety and feeling out of control. This also could play into stress going back into trying to reignite your relationship with your partner and then wondering, “Well, what happens if that anxiety comes back? What happens if I need to go back on the pills again? What’s going to happen then?” It’s just always hanging there over your head.

Absolutely, Annette, and that doesn’t feel good. Thank you for sharing that part about your journey with panic, because anyone who’s suffered from mental health issues, and most people have at some point, some type of mental health issue, because we’re humans, we’re imperfect and it can really put just this weight on you, not just psychologically, but it can feel like a really heavy physical load as well. I’ve worked with so many clients and they’ll explain they’ll say, “I feel it in my body, and my body’s just ready to run, or I’m hyper-vigilant all the time, or I’m just waiting for the depression to come back.” None of that is very sexy. It doesn’t make you feel sexy.

I have a very close relationship with anxiety, but I know with depression and other mental health issues, it really is in the body, and it can feel so physical. When that comes to how it affects your relationship with someone else where you want to be physical together, it’s such a big barrier, especially if you’re with someone who doesn’t or hasn’t experienced anxiety or hasn’t experienced depression and they cannot understand what you’re going through.

I was in a marriage where my partner just never had these issues. He would be watching me go through panic attacks, and he’d be like, “You know you’re okay. Why can’t you just make it stop?” Now, he didn’t do this right off the bat, but eventually it’s exhausting to your partner. Someone who doesn’t go through that. They’re just like, “I can’t fix this, and you’re in pain.” Of course, as the other person, I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be sexy again, but it’s so embodied. It feels almost as if something is happening to your body.

That’s why I think one of the best things that this individual can do is start healing that relationship with their own body before worrying about their partner. Start re-engaging with pleasure for themselves, and that could be everything. I’m in Portland, Oregon, and we’ve got it is beautifully sunny outside, and there are flowers everywhere. For me this morning, my reconnection with pleasure was just going out for this walk, and I was taking in like, the scents of the flowers and the cut grass and the sunshine on my skin. The pleasure was breathing it in and letting it register and noticing all over my body where I was feeling it and just letting that be mine.

How Simple Pleasures Can Make You Trust Your Body Again

I love that introduction to pleasure and pleasure for the self, really allowing your senses to come alive, because this individual, especially anxiety and depression are different beasts. With her, it may be going back just for a moment to the partner. Maybe the partner is being patient and she’s worried about that patience being exhausted, and maybe she’s trying to force herself toward him instead of, as you’re saying, back to her body, back to finding what are the little pleasures out there.

I know for me right now, it’s orange blossoms. When I walk by my orange tree, it is so in bloom and the blossoms are just incredible, and I just pause and I go, “This is heavenly.” When we do things like that, we are coming home to the body in very simple ways. It can be also something like I know when I’m putting on pajamas at night or whatever, or a robe, and you feel the silk against your skin. It’s just like, “This feels so good,” or eating a handful of raspberries. Again, pleasure. It’s like, “This is so good.” experiencing that, could you say more about why these very simple pleasures pave the way toward trusting the body again?

I keep going back to anxiety because that’s what she was writing about, and then depression, when we are so uncomfortable in our own body, when we’re in an anxiety, as you were saying clients would say, that, “It hurts, my body hurts, it’s uncomfortable,” what we do is we dissociate. We try to leave our body. I would actually purposely do meditations to get out of my body because it was so uncomfortable at times.

If you are not in your body, it’s nearly impossible to be present with a lover and to really enjoy it. It’s almost impossible to really feel the good things, because you’re outside of your body. For sound reasons, I have this really soft blanket on my table under my microphone, and I love soft things. I’m very sensory-sensitive. If I want comfort, I just like, rub it a little bit and it’s just soft and it and I can feel it and it comforts me because right now, I’m in my body. My goal is to be in my body and be clear while I’m talking to you. Even just like touching that soft material helps ground me and keep me in my body and not out there.

Every time you take that scent of the orange blossoms for you, and it’s bringing you back into your using your five senses to ground you in your own skin and in your body and remind you that being here is safe and it can be wonderful and it can be good. It’s not a place of just discomfort and torture. Sometimes anxiety and depression can feel like torture to someone. It really can. Remembering that the body is actually an instrument for pleasure.

Thank you for that. I love that you brought up that sometimes being in the body, you were talking about making the body safe. We forget how common it is that if you’ve been physically abused, sexually abused, if you suffer from anxiety, depression, all of these things, panic attacks boy, they can make you want to leave your body. It’s just like, “Let me out of here. Let me somewhere else.” Something like grief can make you want to leave your body. “This is too much.” Depression, all of these things.

Honoring What The Body Tells Us

I love that you’re talking about coming back to the body as it is our home, it is that safe space that well, it is the space we live in, and making it safe again after maybe things have come your way that have made you feel unsafe is such a critical practice. Something as simple as deep belly breathing, lying on the floor with your hand on your belly and letting big inflation of your belly because we’re taught to hold our bellies in all the time, and so when we allow ourselves to breathe like a baby, making the belly get nice and expansive it’s really those little things can just feel so safe and grounding. What are some other tools that you have for our readers?

I work with survivors of sexual assault specifically, who often have things like anxiety and depression, and helping them find a path back to their body and also back to sexuality. I think that the first thing that you have to do is create trust with your body again. Give your mind a reason to come back and then show it, “You can trust me. You can trust me to be here. You’re safe.”

We just talked about some of the exercises, which is reconnecting with pleasure, making the body a wonderful place to come home to, to come back to, and remember that wonderful things can happen in this vessel and in this home. It’s important to everyday and I would suggest throughout the day, but at least once, connect with a pleasure. Whether it’s at night, I’ve got a wonderful weighted blanket and velvet sheets that I crawl under and the minute I pull that weighted blanket over me and sink down into my pillows, I just have this rush. I can feel myself just feel hugged and held. It’s one of my favorite times of day.

I love to go on walks, especially when it’s sunny out, or I make my morning coffee. I like to have it in bed and I just sit in bed with my coffee. It’s my treat to myself and soak in the tastes of the coffee with my favorite creamer. That’s the starting point. Every day experiencing pleasure in your body and remembering that’s what this vessel is truly for. When we want to convert that to sexual pleasure, then we start touching ourselves for pleasure.

This could be like tickling your own arm. I like really sensual touch. Starting there and just watching your nervous system. Can you stay grounded in this touch? Just be with it for a moment with yourself. Slowly, we progress to more genital touching, and we watch what happens. Does our body start to shut down? Does fear start to come up? Does something make us want to move away from intimacy? If so, we honor that. We always honor what our body is telling us. When it says enough is enough, enough is enough.

How Sexual Energy Propels Us Forward And Upward

I have a question for you. As you’re talking, I’m thinking about all of the research on when children are young. They are taught to, “Get your hands away from.” even infants touch themselves and the mother or father pull their hands away from their genital areas. When they’re little and they want to run around naked, it’s, “No, you can’t do that even in your own backyard. That’s bad.”

I’d really love you to weigh in on this more, Annette, if you’re having a sensation of, “This is a little bit too much. My erogenous zones are off limits, or I really shouldn’t. No, this is like self-touch.” There are ways to work through that and not see sensuality and sexuality and self-touch as being bad, even if you grew up or are in an environment where you were given messages that that’s not okay. Please talk more about this, Annette.

Absolutely. One of the things I’m doing right now, I started this year, is called 365 Days of Orgasms. Pleasure is the Resolution. It’s really women-specifically and this is for female-bodied people and, of course, support from their partners. The shame piece, I think, applies to everyone, especially women. I would argue that from the day we’re born, through socialization, we are severed from our sexual energy, our sensual energy, through shame. Telling us that’s bad.

Of course, as we go on, other traumas that can happen to us. It makes it very hard to just connect with your sexuality and sensuality as I think we were meant to be. I believe that women’s sexuality and sexual energy is one of the biggest engines in our life that propels us forward and upward. Harnessing that energy whether it’s in our personal lives, in the bedroom, or in our outer lives, it’s an energy. When we say sexual energy, people automatically think penetrative sex. The energy itself is just an energy. It’s the energy of pleasure. Embodied pleasure. That severing when we’re young makes it very difficult to know how to engage with pleasure with someone else without those weird scripts going through our head, like we’re doing something a little bit naughty every time we do it.

Thank you for that really clear explanation and amplification, because I love how you said that we are severed from it early in life. That is without the trauma. That is before the trauma. That is before the anxiety, the depression. It is that all of the messages that we receive that parts of our body are forbidden or/and that we should be perfect. That our bodies should be perfect. That we should look like this magazine figure or this person in order to be loved and desired, or to love and desire. I really think that what you’re focusing on here is so important about creating that connection that, yes, it has to do with sexual intimacy with other people, but it also has so much to do with that grounded place of sexual intimacy and appreciation for the self.

I always say you should be your own best lover. You should be your primary relationship and primary partner when it comes to sex. In the journey that I’m taking people on right now, it starts with connecting with pleasure. I’m talking sensations, I’m talking scents and smells and tastes, like you and I talked about. Embodying those and then seeing how pleasure, as we’re talking about, which some people would identify as non-sexual, that feeling it gives you in your body can be converted easily to sexual pleasure.

It’s not as though one is bad and the other isn’t. They’re just slightly different where the sensation occurs. When you first take in a taste, you’re feeling it in your mouth. If you really feel that pleasure and let it spread through your body, it can also light up your genitals. It can light up all of your other senses and be converted to sexual pleasure. I think people have a hard time, like, we really separate. We like to take sexual pleasure, sensuality, and we put it in a box and say, “You can only take that out at night, and it only occurs in these areas of your body.” That is not the truth. Pleasure is pleasure.

Absolutely, and I think if we all put ourselves in just a space of being on a beach and looking at other people, even if you adore and love your romantic partner who’s by your side, it’s natural to look at other people and go, “That person is beautiful. The sun is beautiful. The sea is beautiful. The sand is beautiful. There’s so much pleasure here.” Just being in those moments and feeling all of that pleasure in your body as you’re resting or just enjoying the sun, if we’re able to do that throughout our lives, throughout our days, and not call it good or bad or only, as you said, should only be in the bedroom at night. I

T is that idea of being able to really we can call it pleasure, we can also call some of it joy, because joy is down at the bottom of all of this. Automatically, when we’re in that here-now place of really appreciating sensations, everything that’s going on in this magical world of ours, the good things. There are a lot of good things, there are some not-so-good things right now.

It does calm down our nervous system, and it brings us back to this space, as you were telling me just before we chatted, you’re saying it’s a lovely day where you are and just how beautiful it is, and you were talking about that earlier. How wonderful it is to be able to come home to the body, because it increases your breathing, your parasympathetic nervous system comes on board, and this all creates a beautiful foundation for pleasure to live with us.

It’s so interesting as you’re saying this, what a fun conversation because as you’re saying this and you’re talking about how being in pleasure and allowing yourself just to experience that brings up, your nervous system starts to even out, that anxiety comes down. It brings us back to the listener’s question or, thought at the beginning which is, “How are we going to deal with anxiety and stress?” We’re going to engage with pleasure because it’s actually going to make it harder to experience the anxiety.

Just like anxiety can make it harder to experience pleasure, experiencing pleasure can make it harder to experience anxiety. There’s actually a lot of truth to that as well. I always advocate for creating a masturbation practice and/or sex. You can do this with a partner. I just think self-pleasure is so powerful because again, you’re not having to worry about anyone else. Sometimes it’s good just to focus on yourself.

When we’re having orgasm and after we have orgasm, we know that all of the chemicals that are released battle anxiety and stress, help people sleep, regulate the nervous system. You can use a self-pleasure practice or a making love practice with your partner as almost an antidote to some of your anxiety. You can look at it as a way to start battling that anxiety returning or coming back.

I agree that when we look at neurobiologically what’s happening, you have increase in dopamine, increase in serotonin, you have all of this oxytocin, all of these cuddle hormones that you’re feeling, when all of that is high in our system, unless running in the room terrifying you, you’re just going to be in this place of, “I’m really calm right now. I’m really peaceful,” and if your partner’s next to you and you’re cuddling, it’s like, “This is beautiful.”

In those spaces, there is no room generally for anxiety and depression to come in. I love how you explained the inverse relationship. The more we have pleasure, joy, satisfaction in our lives, breathing into that, we’re going to have less space, less room for depression and anxiety to set in. Doesn’t mean our life will be trouble-free and that pleasure’s the answer to everything, but it does create a lot of resilience. Being in that space of pleasure and readers, remember, this can be just taking pleasure, as Annette was saying, in your morning coffee.

I love how you talked about the weighted blanket. I tried one once and it was a little too heavy for me, but a little too hot actually. I was just like, “A little too much heat.” The weight of it on you can feel so incredibly soothing, like you have a like a little bear on top of you, hugging you. It feels really good. All of these sensory pleasures, even as you were showing earlier, readers, Annette was touching her arm, and for some people, it’s more of a scratch or touching your leg.

All of those simple pleasures, again, bringing you back to that felt sense of being in your body. The more you’re in your body, the more you become comfy in your own skin. The more comfy you are and pleased you are in your own skin, the more you’ll be able to be present in your sexual relationships as the authentic you.

Why We Pay More Attention To The Negative

As we’re talking about this, I think something I’ve been thinking about that I’d like to share with your readers, because I think it’s so important. One of the things I’ve noticed in my life and I think it’s very common and I’ve noticed with children is you can have a full day of pleasure and positive things happening, and one bad thing happen.

For some reason and maybe you’re more knowledgeable about this the bad thing will outshine, if you will, everything else. It will make everything else seem more distant, or make you even forget about all of the good things that happened in the day. Sometimes it’s not so much in your control. I think if you can become aware of that and I’m working on that more and more.

It’s like, “Here is something harmful that happened to me. Here is something traumatic I experienced. Look at all of these beautiful things that have happened since then, that are happening every day, that I have right now.” Really just putting myself into those things, thinking about them, letting the joy and pride and gratitude and happiness swell. The challenge is, though, my brain likes to go back to that one thing again and again. The one thing.

I’m 51, there’s more than one thing. I find my mind really wanting to pull to these painful events rather than focus on the abundance that is here with me. That’s on the macro level. You can take this to your own relationship with your partner, and you can take this into the bedroom. Remember to bring your mind back to the positive, the pleasure, the positive sensations. If your mind starts to go to the what ifs in the future or, “This happened in the past,” bringing it back to that right now. “Right now, I can feel their breath on my skin. Right now, they’re holding me. Right now, everything is good.”

Thank you, Annette, for bringing this up, and it’s so critical, because on an evolutionary level, the reason this may help you feel a lot better about this, if this is one of your tendencies, on an evolutionary level, we are programmed from our ancestors to pay more attention to the negative. If there’s an intruder, we’re back thousands and thousands of years ago, in our camp, we have to give a lot more attention to that intruder and remember what they looked like, where they came from, ho what we did. We are wired to pay more attention to the negative than all of the positive.

One of the ways I help my clients with that tendency, and I use it in my own life, is I look at the negative thing that’s popping up or ask clients to look at that negative thing and say, “Is it of value to me anymore? Is it serving me?” if I look back in time, what my ancestors way back then had to use it, “Is this thought about how somebody honked at me in the parking lot or how my boss yelled at me or what I wish I had said but didn’t say?”

Sometimes it is worth taking a moment and saying, “Well, if I’m in that situation again, how would I like to handle it better?” Once we do that exercise, we can say to that negative thing that happened, “Okay, you’re not serving me anymore. I learned my lesson. Let me put you away. Okay, now it’s time to be back to pleasure again. Thank you very much.” The more you do it, the more it becomes easy to practice that setting it aside when you have learned whatever value, if any, there is in what was troubling you.

I didn’t know what the force behind that was, but I do know that is a tendency people have and struggle against, so I love that you shared that. That’s very helpful for me in my own life.

It’s so wonderful. I think we’re all prone to it because we’re humans, we’re imperfect, but when we realized, “That’s why it’s there.” It’s an atavistic tendency and I might not really need it if I’ve learned the lesson from it then I don’t need it anymore. It gives us so much freedom just to stop chewing on that thought obsessively and letting it ruin our evening and, again, I think it’s a practice.

I’m much better at it now than I used to be, much, much better. I can identify it, name it, and say, “Okay, are you helping me or harming me? If you’re harming me, okay, get out of here. If you’re helping me, let me write down the lesson and then I’ll remember it if I need to write it down.” it gives us that opportunity to come back to the present. The present is where pleasure and joy live. They’re not in the past, they’re not in the future, they are right here, right now, if we make space for them.

I think find it helpful to find peace with things like specifically anxiety or if you are struggling in sex and intimacy, to feel pleasure or any sensation with your partner which often happens when you’re a survivor, you get frustrated with your body because you’re like, “I want to have sex, but my body shuts down and I’m so frustrated,” is to tell yourself also your body is amazing. It’s trying to protect you.

It’s trying to keep you safe. I do this all the time. I do this all the time. I just put my hand on my chest and I’m like, “Thank you so much for trying to keep me safe. I really appreciate that you’re trying to keep me alive. I think I got this. I got this right now. You can take a little break. Let go. I’m okay.” being thankful that you have a body that’s going to do its best to keep you safe and a brain and an emotional system that is doing its best to protect you like a mother or father would. Giving it the okay to “Take a little break for the afternoon. How about you take a couple hours off because I think I’m safe.

I appreciate that you are focusing on this piece because we don’t know if the listener has any history of sexual trauma or not. It’s unfortunately extraordinarily common and not talked about enough and sexual trauma doesn’t just live in the mind, it doesn’t just live in the spirit, it lives also in the body. I really appreciate, Annette, how you explained that piece where putting your hand on your heart and reminding your body, doesn’t mean it’s the instant cure.

You do want to remind your body that you here now have more tools than the person who was assaulted. You have more tools than the person who was taken advantage of and you are here to protect her now and you have resources that you didn’t have in the past that you can use to protect yourself and keep yourself safe.

That’s all part of coming back to the body and being grounded without disregarding the messages that your body’s giving you. You can pay attention to them and say, “Thank you, I’m safe now,” if indeed you are safe now. If you aren’t safe now then that’s another matter altogether, but if you are safe, really helping your body remember what it feels like to be safe. Annette, thank you so much for that piece, that’s really critical.

Are You Having A Fulfilling Sex Life?

It just it occurred to me, also speaking straight to this person who sent the question in. It might be worthwhile to look at the sex life you had with your partner, the intimate life you had with your partner prior to all of this and ask, “Was it really good? Was I fulfilled? Was there stress involved? Was there pain involved?” even if this person hadn’t experienced sexual assault, some trauma, someone called it small T one time and I don’t know if I like that.

I think a lot of women, female-bodied people can relate to is many of us have been in very loving relationships where the sex was uncomfortable. Maybe we had a partner who pounded a lot and we felt vaginal pain, but we wanted them to be pleased. So many of us have grit our teeth through intimacy. That causes a little bit of trauma, not that our partner’s meant to, not that we meant to grit our teeth through anything that was uncomfortable. I think many women can identify with that.

That, in and of itself, can teach your body to shut down when you go to have sex with your partner or to like your vagina to tighten up and not want to let anyone in to protect itself again against that kind of intimacy. It might be worthwhile to ask yourself, “Okay, my libido’s not coming back online. Let me really look at what our intimate relationship was like before.” Maybe you need to create a new intimate life that doesn’t have something that might be coming up now.

Maybe you didn’t have many orgasms or maybe it was uncomfortable or maybe there wasn’t enough foreplay or maybe there wasn’t enough cuddling or maybe there wasn’t any aftercare and it left you feeling a certain way. Maybe just sit and take stock of what that looked like and see if that might be playing a role in your libido being like, “Do we really need to go back and do that now?”

It is such a good point and I think that it may even bring up a little bit of anxiety in this person if this resonates with her or anyone who’s reading. If you realize that your prior relationship with your partner or with someone else didn’t feel good but you’re hesitant to say that it doesn’t feel good. There is that part where creating a way of talking to the person in an open and honest way and saying, “I love you very much. I just wanted you to know what I uncovered here and I realized that when X, Y, or Z happened, it’s not that you’re a bad lover, it’s just that it didn’t feel good to my body.”

Just talk about it. I love talking about this when we talk about sex, I love telling people, “You’re not shy about asking for more salt and pepper. You’re just not shy. When somebody’s making you dinner you say, ‘Could I have a little more pepper please?'” think about that when you’re talking about sex, it’s just about asking for more pepper, less salt, whatever it is, and it doesn’t have to be so scary. Especially if you have a partner who’s willing to connect with you and go back and forth, it doesn’t have to be scary.

Absolutely and I also suggest, everyone’s heard about this, the compliment sandwich. When I’m going to talk to a lover about something I always start with the thing I really like. I’m like, “I love it when we do this thing. I want to do more of this thing,” and then it’s like, “But you know what I’d like to change or improve by doing X, Y, and Z, this part, because I’ve noticed my body reacts this way.” it’s like, “But I also love when we do this.” it doesn’t just feel like, “I’m sitting you down to talk about something you do that’s not working for me.” that’s not fun for any of us.

Prioritizing Your Own Relationship With Pleasure

Compliment sandwich is a good is a great idea and you think of it as the two nice slices of bread and then that little piece of meat tucked in there or peanut butter right there in the middle, whichever you like. Annette, I could talk with you about this for ages. As we wind down, is there anything else you’d really like to highlight?

I think the thing that is most important especially with this topic is that making yourself and your own relationship to pleasure a priority is not only going to improve your life, it’s also going to improve your relationship because you feel at home and safe in your own body and you know what you like, what brings you pleasure. Do you prefer the sensual touch on your skin over the scratchy touch? Which one do you do you like?

Do you like hot or do you like cold? Do you like both? What brings you pleasure? When you know all of those things, you know what feels good, you feel safe enough to stay in your body when they’re happening, you can teach your partner and you can stay present then when your partner is there with you. Prioritizing your pleasure, believing that you deserve it, it’s your birthright. When I say that, I’m also talking about sexual pleasure. Take the time to prioritize learning about it every day, a little bit. It’s so important to the quality of your life, the quality of your relationships and leading a whole healthy empowered life.

Absolutely, because a really good relationship with your sexuality, your sensuality, it’s part of what makes you a whole human being. It’s not something that we need to be shy about looking at, talking at, touching. It’s part of being human. Annette, where can our readers find you?

Yes, so my podcast is Talk Sex with Annette. You can find it on all of the audio podcast outlets. You can watch it on YouTube at @TalkSexWithAnnette. You can follow me on social media because that’s where I am posting my 365 Days of Orgasm, Pleasure is the Resolution, little videos that walk you through an exercise for each week and daily prompts of learning more about your pleasure and then learning how to have all different types of orgasms.

I am posting those videos on Instagram. You can find me there under Annette Benedetti, or Facebook at Talk Sex With Annette. You can also go to my website TalkSexWithAnnette.com and you’re going to see 365 Days of Orgasm there. I would love to lead you on this journey. It’s free, there’s no catch. It’s just all us ladies or female-bodied people learning how to connect with pleasure and then of course our partners better in the future.

It doesn’t mean that men can’t watch it as well because honestly, the more men are aware of what’s going on within their partner, if it’s a female partner within her body, the better off everybody is. It’s just about connecting, it’s easy.

In fact, I do put in prompts for partners how they can help, how they can learn more because if you are a man and you’re reading this, it’s going to take away a lot of the questions about, “Why isn’t she interested in sex? Why isn’t she responding?” You are going to have an opportunity to be to become like an incredible lover just learning all of these things alongside of us.

Thank you again, Annette, it has been a joy and a pleasure. No pun intended, actually. It’s been a joy and a pleasure. To our readers, thank you for joining us. It is always a joy and a privilege. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• Talk Sex with Annette
• Annette Benedetti on YouTube
• Annette Benedetti on Instagram
• Annette Benedetti on Facebook
• Annette Benedetti on TikTok
• PTSD Hotline
• NAMI Helpline
• Mental Health and Relationships
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok

About Annette Benedetti

Annette Benedetti is a Portland-based sex and intimacy coach and host of the top 2.5% globally ranked podcast and YouTube show Talk Sex With Annette. Her work explores kink, queer identity, sexual healing, and empowerment, with expertise in outlets like Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Pride.com. She is also the co-founder of the feminist magazine She Explores Life and hosts retreats for bi, pan, and queer women. A survivor of childhood sexual assault, Annette uses her platform to foster stigma-free conversations around trauma and pleasure.