Sex has always been a hot topic, and in today’s world, it’s getting even more attention. When we think of sex and relationships, romantic images often come to mind. We might think of intimacy, sexual play, and passion-filled nights. Yet many couples–whether married or not – come to a point where a lack of sexual intimacy becomes a major concern. Today, I’ll explore this sensitive topic with you openly and in an honest way to help you reclaim and reignite the sexual connection in your relationship. Whether you’re feeling unloved, rejected, angry, or resentful about being in a sexless marriage or sexless relationship, this episode will give you powerful tools for moving forward.

Topics discussed include marriage, long-term relationships, sex, sexuality, sexual intimacy, libido, sex drive, dating, unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, mental health, physical health, emotional health, neurochemicals, oxytocin, PEA, dopamine, communication, resentment, apologies, connection, touch, psychotherapy, self-work, vulnerability, safety, security, and attachment style.

Sensitive Episode:

Please note that this episode contains sensitive material; listener discretion is advised.

Emergency Assistance Details: If you or someone you know needs immediate support, please call your emergency services. In the US, 24/7 help is available by calling “911,” “988” (Suicide and Crisis Hotline), or SAMSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). As applicable, additional resources may be provided in the show notes.

Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information: https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

and https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No expert is offering medical or psychological direction or advice; the content is purely informational in nature. Please consult your physician or healthcare provider before undertaking any new regimen or procedure.

Connect with Dr. Carla Manly:

Website: https://www.drcarlamanly.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/drcarlamanly/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@dr_carlamanly_imperfect_love

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_carla_manly

Books by Dr. Carla Manly:

Joy From Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend 

Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly

Aging Joyfully: A Woman’s Guide to Optimal Health, Relationships, and Fulfillment for Her 50s and Beyond

The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships

Imperfect Love Relationship & Oracle Card Deck by Dr. Carla Manly:

Etsy

Amazon

—

Watch the episode here

Listen to the podcast here

The Sexless Marriage: 9 Top Tips For Reigniting Your Sex Life With Host Dr. Carla Marie Manly

The Sexless Marriage: 9 Top Tips For Reconnecting With Your Partner

Sex has always been a hot topic and in today’s world, it’s getting even more press. When we think about romance, sex, and relationships, we often get wonderful images in our minds of fantasy, play, and passion-filled nights. Yet, in many relationships, there’s a sense from one partner and sometimes both that they’re not getting their sexual needs met, that they’ve let sex or that something’s happened that has caused sexual intimacy to go by the wayside. This can result in a sexless marriage or a sexless long-term relationship.

In this episode, we’ll explore this important topic in an open, honest, and sensitive way because at the root, many people express feelings of being unloved, unseen, and disconnected from their partner. This can cause the relationship to feel more like a roommate situation rather than a connected romantic partnership. We will explore this topic from top to bottom. Please remember, this episode contains sensitive information. Reader discretion is advised.

—

As we move into this topic, let’s first look at what it takes to make a marriage sexless. In the realm of psychotherapy, a sexless marriage is generally considered to be one where there are less than ten sexual encounters in that relationship in a calendar year. If you’re having 20 or 30 or even 15 sexual encounters a year, it wouldn’t qualify as a sexless marriage from this very limited definition. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re not getting your needs met and that you don’t want to give the situation attention.

When we look at this from a statistical perspective, we can see that about 15% to 20% of couples acknowledge being a sexless marriage. The figures might actually be quite higher, and this is because many people feel embarrassed about talking to their medical provider or even their psychotherapist about having a low-sex or no-sex relationship. There’s another important statistic, and this one relates to the age group of those who are 57 to 85.

In this age group, the reports show that approximately 40% of couples in that age group are in a sexless relationship. Why might this be so much higher? There are many factors at work, including physical ailments that might come with aging, a sense of not feeling good about one’s body as a result of aging, and it can come with medical conditions that tend to be a little more chronic in some age groups.

Last but not least, sometimes there is societal messaging that tells older people that sex shouldn’t be something that they’re doing at their age. This can even come from the medical community, and I’ve experienced this clinically, where an MD might say something to you like, “Sex at your age, is that really something that you want to be doing?” hard to believe, but it does happen. We want to pay attention to messaging regardless of the age group that we’re in so that we can look at how is society affecting this in any way if it is at all.

Different Factors That Lead To A Sexless Marriage

Okay, so with that foundation, let’s move to the next step. Always looking at this as much as possible through a lens of no judgment, no blame, no shame. When we embrace that attitude, as I do my best to do, we can see things a little more objectively, clearly, and empathically. Let’s look at what can cause a sexless marriage. Now, there are many factors, and I’ll cover some of the top elements in no particular order because they can affect any relationship to a varied degree. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach.

First, we can look at the issue of a lack of time. In some cases, partners are really in such intensely busy relationships, whether they’re parenting, caring for older adults, working 1 or 2 or 3 jobs, there may truly be a lack of time in the day for them to squeeze in that time for sexual intimacy. Another related piece is that sometimes there is ample time, but people are choosing to do other things with that time.

I’m not judging here, but you might be choosing or your partner might be choosing to engage in social media, in watching television, in doing a craft, or doing something that takes away the time that could be allocated if the desire were there to having sexual intimacy. Number two is also really important. It’s that sense of feeling exhausted. In our very busy world where lots of demands come in, it can be easy to get physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and feel like you don’t have enough to give to that sexual relationship.

While adjustments can be made over time to create more bandwidth, feelings of exhaustion are a common contributor to no-sex marriages. Now, let’s move to the third piece. Health issues. Health issues often play a huge part in sexless marriages. Why? We can see that sometimes people are suffering from a chronic illness, from a new illness or a cold or a flu, or they’re highly susceptible to getting various infections that can make them feel really down and not able to engage in sex in a really wholehearted way.

We don’t want to ignore that really important piece that there are health issues that can impact sexual behavior. Of course, issues such as low testosterone and these other pieces that make us sexual beings really need to be looked at by a qualified medical practitioner to rule them out. We don’t want to ignore that health issues might be at the root of the lack of sexual connection.

All right, number four. When we look at low libido, which is that drive, that natural desire for sexual intimacy, it’s really important to just pause and notice that libido occurs on a continuum, from almost non-existent to very, very high. We have a natural set point for libido that can fluctuate over time and fluctuate with stress and all sorts of natural fluctuations. There tends to be a natural set point, and that can change over time with age as well.

If you have two people with low libido, they won’t necessarily be complaining because they’re happy there. If you have two people with moderate or high libido, they’ll be well-matched. If you have two people with very different libido, someone who’s low and someone who’s quite high, it’s going to be very hard to bridge that gap. If you have two people where it’s a moderate or very mild difference, again, quite easy to bridge that gap. When it’s the bigger gap, it’s going to take a lot more focus and attention.

Now, when we’re dating, these differences in libido can often be masked because when we’re in that dating or infatuation stage, we have all of these beautiful neurochemicals that are coursing through our brains, everything from PEA and oxytocin to dopamine that are really supercharging our sense of sexuality. We can have a really high libido during that time, and it can drop off once the relationship becomes normal, once those sexual behaviors are no longer causing that rollercoaster that can be quite addictive in some ways.

Pay attention to the libido factor. It is a big issue. Now, let’s look at mental health. Mental health can certainly affect libido. If an individual is suffering from postpartum depression or general depression, chronic anxiety, unresolved trauma is another really big issue, anything like this can affect sexual desire. For those who really have fluctuations in mood as a result of their menstrual cycle, that can also be a big piece. We want to look at these issues, whether they’re mental health that’s related to physical health, have them evaluated and see what you can do to work with those issues in a way that feels safe and respectful and compassionate.

All right, let’s move to the next one. This one’s interesting, but it’s really important. It’s the drive for perfection. Often in our relationships, we compare ourselves, our partners, or our relationship to what we believe others have, whether it’s on social media, whether it’s our friends, our neighbors, whatever it might be.

We think, “I’m not having this, I should be having that.” this ideal, this perfectionist attitude that we should be having this perfect ideal somebody else has can really do relationships in. Instead, what we want to do is slow it down and look at what works for us and for our partner without comparing to what other people are doing. We want to stay in the relationship that matters, which is the one we have with our loved one.

Now, when we move to the next one, and again it’s really important, we want to look at expectations. Often in our relationships, we have expectations that we don’t communicate to our partner. We might think, “I’d really love to have sex every night or every Friday night,” or “I’d really like to have some wonderful foreplay,” whatever it might be, but we don’t communicate it. We first have to know our expectations, and then communicate our expectations, and to be prepared to hear the same from a partner. Remember those expectations are a really key piece of the puzzle, knowing them and communicating them in a non-judgmental, kind, and clear way.

The next one. Attraction. We are generally attracted to our partners during the dating process, and as life unfolds, we can find things about them that are not very attractive. Maybe their body size changes, maybe their behaviors change, maybe their ways of caring for themselves change. We want to be able to look at this attractiveness piece without judgment, and when it’s appropriate, in kind and respectful ways.

Explore that with a partner. Also explore within yourself any judgments you’re having that can be shifted that would allow for more of a connection between you and your partner rather than feelings of judgment. Judgment can really cause problems in the short term and long term. Here is the biggie. This is probably the biggest one that I see in my clinical practice.

Unresolved relationship issues. They do affect what happens in the bedroom. For some people, they can compartmentalize disagreements or unresolved issues and proceed as if nothing happened. For many people, it doesn’t work. That’s a major red flag for many people. What you want to be able to do, and I really believe in this, that you want to be able to keep a relationship clean.

If you have years of unresolved issues, it’s important to start looking at them and working with your partner to clear out those issues because, believe it or not, those affect, in many cases, a desire and a willingness to have sexual relations with a partner. I view this as a backpack in the relationship, that each person comes in with a backpack, and we like to keep it as empty as possible.

In many cases, depending upon your attachment style and your communication style, you may tend to not resolve issues or your partner may avoid resolving issues, and they go into the backpack like these little rocks. These little rocks can really accumulate over time and become a heavy weight in the relationship. That weight can dampen sexual intimacy, it can damage trust, it can damage desire.

We want to be able to notice that it’s really important to begin to look at these pieces and resolve them slowly but surely over time because they are a critical element often for partners of that intimacy and that connection that allows sexual desire to really come up and explode in the relationship in a beautiful way. We’ll talk about that a little bit more because we want to be able to see that if you don’t resolve those issues, that they leak into other areas, including causing anger and resentment. We’ll get to that more later.

Now, let’s move to the next piece. There are often old patterns in a relationship that may have come from this relationship or former relationships where, and again no judgment here, it’s just how it may present, that if there were a lot of sexual hookups that were emotionless but high charge, or patterns of having a lot of makeup sex.

The cycle of having a disagreement and then it being followed by this wonderful makeup sex and then going flat and repeating the cycle, that may be unappealing or tiresome to your partner, and it also may be something that you don’t want to be a part of that cycle, or maybe you don’t want to be a part of a cycle like that.

You want to notice if we have any old patterns that would make genuine intimacy, just connecting with deep love, if there are any patterns such as the ones I mentioned that need to be looked at and healed. If they’re not causing a problem in your relationship then they’re not, but sometimes they are, they’re lurking behind the scenes, so you want to be able to identify those and work with them if they’re there.

Now, this is a really key piece. Some partners don’t feel as though they’re loved, that they’re appealing, that they themselves are desirable. It could be something that the other person has said or done, it could be old issues that are surfacing. We want to realize that sometimes there’s a fear in the relationship of not being found desirable or lovable or wanted. We want to have that on our radar, and it can come, of course, from either partner, but it can certainly dampen sexual desire and a willingness to be vulnerable in sexual intimacy.

That’s a really important piece. Now let’s look at the emotions that commonly arise when we have a lack of sexual connection, a no-sex marriage or long-term relationship. A host of emotions, of feelings that arise. These include feeling unloved, rejected, abandoned, betrayed, feeling angry, feeling lonely, feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness.

All of these things can arise, and there’s no judgment on any of them being wrong or right. It’s more about coming to know the feelings that it’s bringing up for you and then ultimately being able to explore them, maybe through journaling or working with a professional, so that you have a sense of what’s going on inside of you so that you can ultimately communicate it in a non-blaming way.

And the way we do this is to use “I” messages. “I feel sad,” “I feel lonely,” “I feel unloved,” and being able to do that in the right situation so that your partner comes to not feel blamed or shamed but to understand and to be ideally able to connect with the pain that you’re feeling, the sadness that you’re feeling, whatever’s going on inside. That’s some of the really important foundation to look at.

How To Reignite Your Sex Life

Now, what are the tips for moving forward? These are really important to look at and give attention to because not only will these tips help you. Ultimately, the goal is to regain sexual connection, but they’ll help you with all aspects of your relationship. When we look at this holistically, all of these pieces, it becomes a really beautiful journey, a privilege of restoring a lot of suppleness and strength to the relationship. Again, that suppleness and that strength can really support a long-term sexual connection.

First, communication. Communication is the bedrock of healthy relationships. Learning those skills to be gentle, open, honest, communicating in ways that allow your partner to open up and not feel judged, learning how you can both feel really connected and not become defensive or dysregulated. It’s a process, I have to say that is a process. None of these are magic bullets, but they are really important ones that will help you in the short term and long term.

Connect consistently. We are all very busy. The important thing is to learn strategies in your relationship, even ten minutes a day while you’re getting ready for bed or while you’re cooking dinner, whatever it might be, to connect with your partner. To ask how they’re doing, to be genuinely interested, to make eye contact, to let that partner see you eye-to-eye that you care, that you are invested in them and their well-being.

Again, this nurtures that foundation and helps build that resilience and suppleness that will eventually lead to a connection that fosters sexual intimacy. Focus on the positive. This is one of my favorites. When we’re dating, we just love seeing the best in our partner, they are the most wonderful, they are adorable, whatever you they are sexually appealing, all of these yummy things. As we get to know them and we become married or partnered in other ways, we can lose that desire for them.

They can become less appealing. This is somewhat human nature, but we can counteract it. How do we counteract it? Of course, if the partner is doing things that are untenable and certainly if they’re abusive, we want to have strong boundaries. We want to be able to communicate and say, “I feel really disrespected when you do X, Y, and Z,” or “I feel like I need to really let you know that this is hurtful and I have a boundary around X, Y, and Z.”

By doing this, we are having our good boundaries or very dysfunctional behavior or even a mildly dysfunctional behavior. We focus on the positive. We give equal weight or more weight, if you’re able to do that, to the things they’re doing well because research shows positive reinforcement, noticing the positive, goes a long way toward creating more of the positive behavior and that connection that we’re after.

What might you do? You might say to your partner, “Thank you so much for picking up the floor without asking. Thank you so much for hugging me when I came home. Thank you for that cup of tea. Thank you for looking at me and giving me great eye contact, it felt so good.” All of these little things can feel really affirming in the relationship and again build that connection. Whatever your partner’s doing well, pause, notice it, compliment it. It doesn’t need to be a long thing, it could be a simple “Wow, thank you.”

The next thing that we want to look at is getting to the heart and the history of those little pebbles that we talked about before. This isn’t going to be a one-and-done thing in most cases, it’s going to be a matter of months, maybe years, of slowly pulling out all of those rocks, those pebbles of discontent, exploring them with your partner in a non-blaming way.

You might do it on a Saturday morning or something like that. Just set a time to explore them because they will not go away on their own. These pebbles do not magically disappear. If a pebble could fester, these pebbles would fester, they get actually they get worse. What we want to do is to be able to explore them and hear the other partner and let the other partner hear us.

We don’t have to agree, we can just connect over their truth, and that’s so important. As we clear these pebbles, that backpack gets lighter and lighter over time. This heavy backpack that we’ve been carrying in the relationship one partner thinking, “You didn’t care enough about me in this situation,” or “You didn’t apologize in that situation,” or “You keep doing this behavior.” All of this you can feel the energy, it really gets in the way of intimacy and sexual intimacy.

In this process, this is a key piece within this process, is to be able to take accountability because that’s a key thing that I hear when I’m working with clients. “They will not take accountability, they will not apologize.” part of our journey as we evolve, because we’re evolving throughout life and we can either really be engaged in it or we can let life evolve us, but I’m a fan of being engaged, we’re able to say, “I see, I could have done this instead. I’m sorry I did that. In the future, I’ll really try to do this.”

That is the nature of a wholehearted apology. Naming the behavior that went awry, “I’m sorry I came home late and didn’t let you know.” Saying what you will do differently in the future, “In the future, I’ll pay more attention to the time and let you know if I’m running late so you can be prepared.” third, using the words if they feel important, which they often do, of saying, “I’m sorry.” you name the behavior, you apologize, and you say how you’ll do it differently.

This goes so far in creating trust and safety in a relationship. It’s magnificent because it lets the other person know, “Wow, they get me. They care. They’re going to try and do it differently so that we have more harmony in our relationship.” harmony can certainly create more of that warmth and yumminess that allows for connection and ultimately better sexual intimacy.

That’s the piece that we’re going to look at as one of the highlights here is the clearing of the resentments because the resentments, and this is actually the sixth element, it’s that clearing of the resentments. Really being thorough about picking those rocks out. It won’t do any good to just talk about them, you’ve got to get to the part where the resentments that result from many of those stones in the backpack, where the resentments are cleared. As those resentments are cleared, because resentments cause a lot of angst, a lot of anger, and sometimes a lot of sadness, so as we clear them, you can see that we free up our energy for more connection.

We free up all the energy that was being used to be angry at a partner, to be really sad and disappointed with a partner. Now, it’s free. Now, we can use it for something else, and ideally, it’s freed up to create more of that loving energy that fosters sexual intimacy. Let’s move to the next one. Notice that as you’re doing this, you’re building a new foundation. That’s the work that you want to keep doing.

Not with a sense of “This is terrible work,” but with a work that you that joy that you feel when you’re engaging in a project you love because this is your relationship, and you’re listening because you care. Notice that when we tend to a relationship the way we tend to a garden or to building a new home or a new shed out in the backyard, whatever it might be, any new project, we do it with a sense of joy and tender loving care.

It’s a game-changer because then we want to do it, we want to maintain it. To me, I’m such a believer in the power of relationships, I find it a privilege and a joy even if it’s challenging to maintain my relationships. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it does mean it’s a joy because our relationships often give life most of its meaning. Notice that sense of building that new foundation with joy and really working to shift the old habits that were working against you and employ new habits that work for you.

They’re going to be different for every partnership, you’ll have to just adjust it and do your tweaks. Now, another one that’s really important is the daily checking in skills. Many partners are that ships passing in the night roommate energy. When you pause to check in with your partner every day, in the morning say, “Hun, how did you sleep? How are you feeling?” and really listen.

Listen with your ears, listen with your eyes. That may sound impossible, but eyes when we’re really meeting our partner’s gaze, they show we’re attuned. That attunement, which is a really key piece of what we call secure attachment, does create more of that secure connection. You want to be attuning. At night, same thing, even if it’s while you’re getting ready for bed or putting your heads on the pillow.

Eye-to-eye, look at each other and talk, “How are you? How was your day? How are you feeling?” and listen. Sometimes in these little moments, we have the opportunity to use one of my favorite skills. It’s not something I designed, it’s an old one, and it’s called the Heard, Helped, Hug strategy because sometimes we don’t know what our partner needs.

If our partner’s talking to us about something and they’re talking about their day, you can simply say, “Do you need heard, helped, or hugged?” this can feel so good to a partner because maybe they do need for you to just listen, not say anything, just listen, just to be heard. Maybe they need a tip or some support, which falls under the “help.” maybe they just need a hug. That really affirming, gentle cuddle squeeze that can feel really good body, mind, and spirit.

Remember that all of these are going to create that strong foundation, that nice strong energy and that’s resilient and yummy that fosters the sexual energy. Yes, I know that this is a long process, but the lack of sexual connection in your relationship likely didn’t happen overnight. It likely happened over a long period of time or longish period of time, so it’s going to take a little bit of work to get it back there. That’s good. It can be fun. It can be challenging, yes, but it can also feel really rewarding when you start to see the changes.

How To Handle An Increase In Intimacy With Your Partner

Now, as you move back into more physical intimacy, you may be like, “I just want to have sex, get to it already.” Yes, I get that, but remember that if you’ve been physically distant, little touches where there’s no pressure, massage, maybe taking a bath with your partner, maybe taking a shower, getting physically intimate with each other in no-pressure ways can be a really important part of the process, with an emphasis on the no-pressure because in these moments, we are creating that connection and that sense of safety and security that is crucial for that warmth to come between you two again.

Now, when we look at the next part, which is deepening into sexual intimacy, each relationship will have a life of its own. As your partner is showing more interest and you can respectfully say, “Are you feeling like you’re ready for us to move to kisses or to touching erogenous zones,” those really highly sexualized areas in our body where we really feel stimulated and alive, then listen if your partner says yes and listen if they say no. Again, we’re creating trust, safety, security. If you follow this process in your own iteration of it, you’ll find that the sexual beauty, that nice flame becomes ignited again because when you tend to the relationship you can often ignite the sexuality within it again.

Now, I have two disclaimers. First, you need both people to be willing to do this. If you have a partner who has completely checked out or will not do the work with you, you really want to pay attention to that because you want to invite your partner to join you in the process, but you can’t force a partner. A partner who is not willing to go through the process with you is working against the relationship and that connection.

I liken this to one partner climbing this beautiful hill of the relationship or the mountain and wanting to go to the next level and the other partner actually working against it by using an ice axe or an ice pick to go down the mountain. When you have that, it’s not a good outcome. Both people need to be willing to go up that mountain, sometimes in good unison, sometimes it’s a little bit different. The idea is to keep inching your way up there so you can see and experience all of the beauty that’s up there. That’s a really beautiful idea that you might want to carry with you, that you need your partner to want to work with you, whether you’re working as a couple outside of a therapy room or with a trained professional. That’s the last piece.

Discussion Wrap-up And Closing Words

These issues are very delicate and sensitive, and so you’ll want to make sure if you reach out for support that you’re working with someone who is well-qualified in this area because it is really vital for the health of a relationship if you’re feeling that you are not having your sexual needs met because for some people again that’s not a big deal, for other people it is a really big and important factor for their relationship.

I hope you’ve found this really helpful and uplifting and illuminating. If you want a little bit more and details, you can look at my website. You can also pick up a copy of my book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, which goes through some of this in a deeper way, especially how to create that healthy communication because our relationships do start here.

The Joy of Imperfect Love talks about creating that relationship with yourself, being more aware of what who you are and what your needs are and how to communicate those, and then being able to work with your partner in healthy ways to actually create that type of healthy loving relationship. It has been such a pleasure to speak on this really important topic, and I wish you the very best. This is Imperfect Love.

Important Links

• The Joy of Imperfect Love
• Sexless Marriage: Understanding Why Passion and Sex Die
• The Sexless Marriage: Getting Reconnected
• The Sexless Marriage: Getting Reconnected
• Non-Emergency Online Mental Health Information
• MyHealthfinder Mental Health and Relationships
• Dr. Carla Manly’s Website
• Dr. Carla Manly on Instagram
• Dr. Carla Manly on X
• Dr. Carla Manly on Facebook
• Dr. Carla Manly on LinkedIn
• Dr. Carla Manly on YouTube
• Dr. Carla Manly on TikTok